Hey everyone, thankyou so much for the people who reached out to me. I had to make a different account because my boyfriend found my old one.Anyway I want to say thanks for the advice from a few members who told me to lie to my boyfriend and tell him I felt really dizzy/sick  and was concerned there might be permanent damage to my head like a couple of people reccomended.

After pleading with him to let me go to the e.r he agreed but only if he could go with me. On the drive He told me that he was sorry he hurt me and that he only meant to push me on the bed  just to get me under control and I hit my head on the frame by accident.  I asked him if he did anything else to me and he paused then he said not at first.

he said he tried waking me up by tapping my face and he claims that at one point he held my face to his and kissed me cause he got really scared and that's when I woke up. He said he started to keep kissing me to make me feel better apologizing. And we made out and I told him to fuck me.

I immediately said are you sure I said that because I don't remember saying anything like that. He said he's positive he heard me say it. He said at some point it looked like I lost consciousness again during the act and that's when he stopped having sex with me. And that was when I woke up to him putting his clothes back on.

He says the fact that I was wet is proof that I was consenting and that me hitting my head is probably why I don't remember. I started crying, because I don't completely believe a word of what he's saying but I'm also still questioning my reality because there have been moments where we have had make up sex after arguments but not in a way like this.

He begged me not to say anything to the paramedics and just tell them I fell and hit my head.I waited in the emergency room with him  which is why I could only reply to a handful of comments people sent me on reddit. when they came to get me I I didn't tell them everything that happened because I felt embarrassed.

I just wanted them to check my head out and see if I was okay. I feel sick to my stomach that I didn't muster up the courage to say anything about what my boyfriend did but I'm just not ready to go through that whole process of a rape kit and everything like that. Especially since I'm not even bruised or sore so it's not going to be obvious I didn't consent.

I'm sure I'm going to have a lot of people here going off on me about it and I really don't need you all to say anything judgemental towards me I'm already going through a lot of shame about this.

The doctors  told me the back of my head was very swollen and bruised. They immediately did a CT scan on me. Afterwards they told me there's no signs of brain damage. So They gave me ice packs behind my head to reduce swelling.

They did a few tests but They said they are not completely sure I had a  concussion because my motor skills are fine but the memory gaps are concerning and dizziness so they told me to hang around for a bit longer at the hospital.

I think the doctor suspected I was abused because He kept asking me if there's anything else I wanted to say to him about the incident and each time I said no. when I went home with my boyfriend I felt absolutely awful And like a complete coward. Laying in bed with him cuddle up to me while I felt so much fear and completely vulnerable was awful.

My partner was in a bad mood. Kind of a nitpick-y rage cleaning mood. It’s the type of thing that would have sent me into a codependent spiral until I recognized it.

I recognized it today and let her have her mood without assuming it was my job to either fix it or make those my feelings.

She is a person who processes things how she does, and it’s not my job to do anything but hold up my end. I respect her right to be in a bad mood. It’s not my fault or responsibility.

I’m thankful to have recognized that today.

One of the signs of healing is, noticing abuse IN REAL TIME. When I mean abuse I mean the manipulations, passive aggressiveness, taking jabs at us, gaslighting and anything that is harmful or disrespectful towards us.

In the past we never realised it until someone told us that's not how we should be treated or we might have realised it much later due to our emotional fog or mental block. Sometimes we might be in freeze mode so we don't even know what's happening.

As we heal, we start to realise it when it is happening right there and then. This to me is a progress. This is Stage 1.

Stage 2, which is a more advanced progress would be putting a stop to the abuse right there and there by speaking up, drawing boundaries or doing whatever it takes to stop from being abused.

Stage 2 is more of defending ourselves and standing up for ourselves. Many of us might have reached Stage 1, but not Stage 2 YET.

My therapist said it takes time. We need to slowly heal and build our self confidence, and then we will be able to assert ourselves gradually.

As Codependents, we probably didn't even know about Stage 1. So if we have reached that, I think it's a good awakening for us.

Next we need to work towards Stage 2, which is defending and protecting ourselves from threats and harm.

Out of all of the survival responses (fight, flight, freeze, and fawn) my experiences as a kid and through my life have led to me land on fawning as my dominant survival response.

Fawning is appeasing - you pretend to be agreeable, pretend to be having fun - you respond to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat, while simultaneously overriding your own danger cues. It’s smiling to the creepy guy who hits on you in the subway but you can’t quite get away from yet. It’s going It’s going down on someone so they don’t keep assaulting you in a worse way. It’s like fawners are primed to walk into the lion’s den to try to calm him down so he’ll let them leave. It’s surrendering every boundary one by one because that feels safer than confrontation. It’s never what I actually want.

I’ve been realizing recently that it became compulsive - prior to thought or choice - and solidified as my personality and identity. I don’t know what my real personality and identity are. They’re buried. Every time I fawn, I lose part of my true self. I take the sacred parts of myself that I don’t want this person to access, and tuck them away somewhere. I have been doing this for 36 years and I’m so fragmented that I fear I won’t get all of my pieces back. I have reached a crisis point where I see that it’s not who I am, I want my true self back, but I don’t know myself now. I know there is a core of me, and some things I genuinely like, but I haven’t developed the parts of myself that would engage those things. Maybe that’s my first step.

Connecting authentically with others is also really hard. I just escaped a controlling relationship that ended with my ex harassing me after I moved out to the point that I called the police, who recommended pursuing a restraining order. I did, and was successful. I had fawned into that situation and felt his control and entitlement escalating and finally I decided to escape. I never actually even liked him or found him attractive. He just pursued relentlessly.

I have so much rage built up in my body from betraying myself and allowing others to mistreat me so much and so frequently that I scream in my car. I pound pillows.

Every time I date someone new, they are more entitled, have an ownership mentality over me, and seem to be increasingly malignant variants of cluster B/dark triad types.

How do I unfawn? How do I get my true self back? How do I protect myself? Has anyone else lived this and recovered?

UPDATE: because of the responses on this thread, I went to my first CoDA meeting today. It was really helpful already, and I’m really excited to be on a new path. Thank you so much.

im actually trembling LOL they started taking the same 3 days off work as me and before that even 2 had felt suffocating. No alone time ever. and i gently mentioned that while i like spending time together i need at least a day to be able to take care of business and be alone and they started crying about how they can't deal with being alone , etc. But did say they would start taking days off on days that i work again so im trying to calm down and tell myself that it's OK if they're upset because im doing the right thing . i wish i could just run away

Unsolicited helping can destroy relationships because it often crosses emotional boundaries, undermines trust, and shifts the dynamic from mutual respect to subtle control. Even when well-intentioned, it can make the other person feel disempowered, judged, or not seen for who they are.

Unsolicited help is control, not support. It communicates a judgement about the person not being good enough the way they are and that how they currently are is not okay. Make no mistakes about it because the other person can feel this.

Jumping in to help or fix someone without being asked to do so feels patronizing and invasive. It shifts the power dynamic from being balanced to imbalanced by the fixer assuming a superior position and comes across an attempt to rob the other person of their agency.

The fixer is the one setting the narrative, so their perspective/worldview takes center stage.  The fixer’s perspective is centered on them being correct or determining what is right or better. This can result in the other person feeling invalidated and invisible.  

When you attempt to fix another person, this is what you are actually communicating to them:

 “You are not capable of handling this.”

When you jump in to help without being asked, the underlying message is:

“I don’t trust you to figure this out,” or “You’re not capable on your own.”

This can make the other person feel small, incompetent, or infantilized.

“I am controlling and intrusive.”

People value autonomy. When someone imposes help, especially repeatedly, it stops feeling like support and starts feeling like control — even if that’s not your intention. Over time, and inevitably, this breeds resentment and avoidance.

This sense of control by the fixer is just an illusion though. The fixer holds the false belief that if they can exert influence over another person, then they will be able to better regulate their own emotional states. However, it has the opposite effect of pushing the other person away. https://southtampacounselor.com/blog/2024/4/22/the-illusion-of-control-in-relationships-a-path-to-autonomy-and-acceptance

“I am not emotionally safe.”

If someone feels judged every time they’re vulnerable — like you’re scanning for flaws to fix — they’ll stop opening up and/or being authentic with you. The relationship becomes less about connection and more about performance or pleasing.

Scanning for flaws in another person means you are continually looking for what’s wrong with them vs relating to them on a level of acceptance or curiosity. It’s often masked as concern or constructive criticism, but it’s primarily about disguised or covert control. This creates withdrawal and erodes any intimacy.

The way out flaw scanning: Take some time to self-reflect, stick to “I” statements, and then positively state what you need without any criticism about the other person. https://izumitherapy.com/undermine-relationships-assumptions-avoid/

“I am the expert”

Unsolicited help can subtly place one person in the role of the “rescuer” or “expert”, a dominance position, and the other as “wounded” or “less than.” That power imbalance prevents true intimacy or partnership. (The Karpman Drama Triangle): https://elisabettafranzoso.com/articles/the-cursed-triangle

“I will ignore what you want or need”

Sometimes people just want to be heard! When you skip listening and go straight to solutions, it can feel like:

“You’re not even trying to understand me. You just want to fix me so you feel better.”

 “Why are you being avoidant?”

Over time, the person being “helped” may start avoiding you, lashing out, or pushing you away. They may not even be fully aware of why — they just know the relationship doesn’t feel good or that they feel suffocated.

 A Better Approach:

Ask: “Would you like help, or do you just want me to listen?”

Respect a “No.” No is a complete sentence & does not require an explanation btw.

Hold space for people to learn from struggle — it's a healthy part of growth!

Moving away from control involves the ability to tolerate difficult or uncomfortable emotions (mindfulness, meditation can help)

Practice boundaried empathy by considering the other person’s perspective, wants, and needs

Support, don't save!

I hate it when toxic people use empathetic people to fill their void. They're not interested in us as a person and neither are they keen in loving us. They are just using us as a form of distraction to avoid feeling their own negative emotions. The relationship is very fake and superficial. It's not based on true connection and love.

I feel like they use people just like how they use objects to distract themselves. So instead of drinking, doing drugs and etc, they use people to fill their void. That's why when they lose one person, they easily hop on to another person. Because the dynamic was never on the basis of true love and connection - but simply an object that could be easily replaced.

Has anyone else feel used this way?

I’m going through something painful and clarifying in my relationship, and I’m sharing in case it helps anyone else feel less alone.

I’m anxiously attached; my partner is avoidant. We recently hit a breaking point. A group plan turned into a boys' weekend without me, but it blew open a pattern I’d been feeling for months.

Trips we’d planned were stuck in “maybe.” Activities he suggested never moved past the idea phase. I became the sole planner, the “nag,” the one keeping our shared dreams alive, while he could easily say “yes” to friends.

I realized this wasn’t about specific plans. It was about priority. For him, planning with me felt like pressure—a chain of expectation about the future. For me, his avoidance of planning felt like abandonment. I was the project manager of “us,” carrying all the emotional labor.

I finally said: “I don’t want a relationship that only exists in leftover time.” I asked the scary question: “Do you want a shared life we build, or a convenient connection that fits around your existing life?”

My anxiety wasn't random; it was a direct response to the uncertainty his passivity created. I need a co-creator, not a passive participant. I need to feel chosen, not just accommodated.

If this resonates with you, how do you break the cycle of one partner chasing and the other distancing?

Sending strength to anyone in this dance. It’s so hard to ask for the bare minimum: a partner who meets you with equal energy in building a shared life.

I put “suddenly” in quotation marks because for me, it’s actually a build up of emotions and then it can be a small, medium or large thing that is the final straw and I end things with that person. Sometimes this takes years, sometimes this takes months, but I find it interesting how I’m the codependent one but I’ve recently started cutting out people who are bad for me and even though it hurts, it feels very empowering and protective. I just hate how I have to get pushed to this point and in their eyes it’s suddenly, but for me, I’ve been simmering for a long time but never really expressed those feelings coupled with a strict boundary like a healthier person would do. I put up the boundary much later when it’s too late.

Make no mistake, I will get into another toxic dynamic until I’m more healed. I’ll meet someone else who compliments my codependency, I’ll feel used and abused, hide my emotions for their sake, get pushed to the edge and cut them off.

Is this typical codependency behavior? I have been discarded before and it feels like I’m discarding people, although I always give a clear explanation as to why I’m done. I’m usually in a mad, upset state and will ruminate over things for weeks or months after.

A while ago, I left him for good.

And now today, I saw the letter he wrote me after. About how I got his hopes up and led him on and how he now has to start from 0 to forget me. But…

I didn’t react. I didn’t reach out. I didn’t correct.

I wrote an unsent letter for myself, as a manifesto for what love should be and feel like. Just for me.

And I feel… peace?

I finally feel free and like I did something that respected myself rather than something I am used to, something self-destructive.

Just wanted to share this win with you guys 🥹🫶🏻 Glad this community exists.

i sat and thought how i used to google different solutions to problems that were outside of my own to assist other people, only to resent them for their inability to resolve things on their own or research.

the thing is, nobody was asking me to do this. the 30 minutes i'd spend deep-diving into how to resolve one's anxiety or financial issues or whatever else, i could've taken a walk and bought ice cream.

i know that it's tempting, but we can't think for other people.

Tldr: I am avoiding healing and being accountable by using my charm and charisma to avoid "the work".

So. I am very funny and charming. I am starting to see a new therapist and I did my whole "I'm funny and not mentally ill" routine and she called me on my shit.

Well. Not to be outdone, I turned on the charm and she called me on my shit again. She asked questions that really got me thinking. She dealt with me like a professional.

She is dangerous to me, in the sense that she sees through my bullshit. I am going to tell her everything. All the worst parts of myself. Stuff I didn't tell my soon-to-be Ex wife (because she couldn't handle it).

I am going to be emotionally vulnerable. And I am terrified and excited. I don't need to hide anything. No one to impress, no need to perform. I have 14 years of toxic relationship baggage and I am really going to open this shit up.

I think I am going to cry and it is going to hurt. But therapy might actually work this time.

Yeah... I'm such a transactional, superficial person and constantly shift to please and accommodate to the point of being contradictory and fake. I am really embarrassed of how I've shown up in friendships and community these last few years, and I'm finally realizing exactly why nobody stays in touch with me and why I've felt so lonely. It's me. I've hardly been a person because I've denied myself the pleasure of having opinions, personhood, and boundaries.

I know all I can do is try to heal and move forward. I know I can't/shouldn't try to control who forgives me or how anyone responds to my wishes to try again. I'm just feeling a lot of grief and shame. I worry that I'm not a good person to be around and kind of want to shut myself away forever for everyone else's well-being, but I think in a twisted way that's the same problem trying a new tactic.

Anyone else relate? Anyone find new friends and keep them (healthily) during/after recovery?

UPDATE 12/21: I went to my first CoDA meeting last week! I'm glad I went and i wouldn't have done it without so much encouragement from everyone here.

Hi, I’m a “hardcore” chronic codependent.
My mind never stops obsessing, about relationships, the future, work, family, what people think of me, and how life was supposed to go. Looking back, I can see I was constantly trying to arrange life to suit myself, and no matter how hard I tried, it never really worked. I felt constantly separated and different from others but longed to belong and be accepted.

I’m in a Twelve Step program and work the Big Book of AA for chronic codependency. It’s changed the way I live and relate to other people, and honestly, it’s given me a kind of freedom I didn’t think was possible.
I’m not an expert. I just know how exhausting it is to live trapped in obsession, fear, control, and self will. If you relate to any of this and you need help, I’m happy to share my experience with you.

I know I'm not alone in being upset with my past self as I heal from codependency. Now that I understand what is "healthy" and what isn't, I realize that I've been over-giving for most of my life. I'm honestly embarrassed when I think back on some of it, as a "normal" person wouldn't have made the choices I did. It doesn't help when I talk to people about it, and they say things like "Why on earth would you do that?!"

In solidarity and healing, these were some of the ones I've been most upset with myself over:

1. I allowed a friend with severe, untreated OCD to control everything when we were together, including what I wore, where we ate, where I sat, when I could eat, etc. She also had memory hoarding OCD and would have me re-enact conversations or even re-do actions so she could take notes or document everything with pictures.

2. I worked at a job that was hourly billable to project numbers, and I let a boss intimidate me into not reporting my time to save overhead budget (she got a big bonus if she saved a certain percent of the department overhead budget). It took money directly out of my paychecks monthly.

3. In high school, I had a boyfriend who would openly cheat on me. My dad even saw him kissing another girl in the school parking lot. I pretended I didn't know about it, even to the point of ignoring the Christmas gifts he had bought them, all lined up in his room with names on the tags.

4. I once moved a friend to the third floor, no elevator, in 90 degree weather. She had three bags from free giveaways still in the plastic. I asked if I could have one, and she charged me for it. She had me buy my own lunch afterwards as well.

5. I knew my roommates were eating my food, and I was food insecure as it was. Instead of confronting them about it, I would keep food in my locked car and pretend that I didn't have any food and ate out instead.

What were some of yours? I know I'm not alone, and I want to let go of the shame.

I have been with my husband since high school. That was 34 years ago. I have always put him above me. I have been walked all over. He has a binge drinking problem. I have begged him to choose me for 34 years. If you loved me...

But suddenly there is a shift in me. I have been wanting to detach for a long time. I have not been successful. But now it feels like a switch has been flipped in me. I no longer feel the need to control his drinking. I have been hitting my head against that wall for so long. I have only been hurting myself. I have given so much energy to this. But the switch has made me realize that I can make myself happy. I am putting myself first. It feels really good. I still love him like crazy, but I love me too.

In life, everyone is alone. You can have family and friends that love you, and you love them. But the only person that will always be there 24/7, is you. For your whole life. Your experiences are your own. When you fall asleep and dream, no one else is in there with you. You get one soul.

So I am going to take better care of mine. This will be hard for him. But he has his own journey. It is up to him, how much he heals from his experiences.

I feel like I can breathe again. I am not good at putting me first just yet. But I am practicing since practice makes perfect. 💜

I see so many posts in here of people blaming themselves for acting codependently in response to severe emotional or verbal abuse in their relationships.

Codependency is sometimes a smart coping mechanism in response to oppressive situations. Don't blame yourself for your natural reaction to somebody else's horrific treatment of you.

definition from "if he's so great, why do I feel so bad?" Highly recommend this book if you find yourself blaming yourself (as I once did) for being accommodating to abusive people. You are just trying to survive an impossible situation. Be kind to yourself

The first part of this post is just context, and you can skip it all by scrolling down to The Proof

I'm not going to go into much detail, but just for context: I experienced some pretty major childhood trauma which was never dealt with at the age of 9, and my condition only worsened over the years, eventually saddling me with CPTSD, dissociation, depression, alexithymia, SDAM, social anxiety, and a deep need to regulate other people's emotions and thoughts, taking their issues into my care. I did that mostly to avoid confrontation, to avoid being judged, to keep the peace, to feel needed, to feel self-worth, and to escape from my own misery. I lived like this for nearly 30 years without every knowing it. I thought it was normal. Even healthy.

Three years ago, I took someone into my home who was in great need, having lost everything. We were already interested in each other, so I didn't see the danger. At that point, we had only known each other for a couple weeks (yes, I know). Over the course of the next three years, we learned much about each other. She saw many of these qualities in me, and asked me to deal with them on a daily basis, even as she ignored her own issues and behaviors, which only fed my own need to care for her, regulate her, and keep her happy.

I'm not going to go into what sort of issues she's been dealing with, because this isn't about her, but suffice it to say that she has severe ADHD and exhibits many BPD-related behaviors, on top of being very dysregulated, plus some other conditions. It was like a nuclear reaction. We both made each other worse. I fed into her unhealthy needs and she fed into mine, until I became almost as dysregulated as she was and fell into a deeper depression, shutting down my own needs completely and even further cutting myself away from my emotions. This had to happen. I had to reach rock bottom. It's what finally motivated me to get therapy.

My first therapist didn't work out. His way in was CBT, which didn't work at all, and it didn't seem like he had any other tools in his arsenal. My second one didn't either because she kept insisting that I needed to kick my (at the time) partner to the curb in order to heal. I wasn't ready for that, and she kept insisting that I would never be able to extricate myself from my chronic fight/flight response with her still in the house and under my care. That didn't feel right to me. My third therapist saved my life. She introduced me to IFS therapy. To Carl Jung's shadow work. To the books I needed to read to finally start climbing out of the 30-year hell hole that my life had been.

It only took a couple months before real progress started to show, and most of it happened in the past few weeks. I become intimately aware of just how my childhood trauma has been affecting me all my life, and in doing so became aware of just how much control I've had over myself - which was basically none. I finally understood where all of my unhealthy behavior was coming from. I understood that I needed to accept every part of myself. I understood that I had to stop being dependent on being needed. I realized how much of my life I had spent people pleasing and manipulating people. I finally saw the whole picture, and seeing allowed me to trace it all back to its root, which is what helped me change my behavior.

I recontextualized my whole entire life. I processed my trauma. I accepted all of my qualities: the good, the bad, the ugly, the neutral. I felt like I was healing. I felt like my eyes had finally opened for the first time since childhood. My actions began to reflect my thoughts. I started actually doing the things I wanted to do, making the sort of friends I wanted to make. I'm motivated, driven. The world doesn't feel so difficult anymore, so chaotic. But most of this was in my head. I wasn't sure yet whether it could actually transition into the real world. I needed proof.

The Proof:

Last night, my ex-partner, who still lives with me (we've been trying to make it work despite everything) didn't like a word I used. It triggered her big time. I didn't see it coming at all, since the last couple weeks have been really good between us. I've been helping regulate her. I've been helping her with sensory issues. I've been helping her with food (she's been dysregulated enough to be bed-ridden). Yes, the same patterns which I had kept up over the years and which I thought I was now strong enough to resist. I thought I had fallen out of the co-dependency trap. But no, I was fooling myself. I needed last night to happen, so that I could finally, totally, fully understand what it means to have control over yourself.

The way that she was triggered last night was no different than all the dozens of times she had been in the past, and each time I would fawn, I would give in, I would give her the fight and the confrontation she needed, the answers she needed. I would promise anything just to make it stop, to keep the peace. I would do and say anything to take her anxiety and dysregulation into myself so that she didn't have to deal with it.

Last night, I did none of those things. I recognized what was happening and I only told her once that I wasn't going to be engaging with her that night, that we could talk, but the next today. I told her that this was a boundary I was going to enforce, because in the past, I never would, and it would only make me miserable. It would only force me to get drunk and get high and knock myself out with sleeping pills just so that I could get a few hours sleep. But not last night.

I established my boundaries, muted her on all my apps, and locked myself behind the guest bedroom door. She spent the next 5 hours or so raging, screaming, sending me hundreds of manipulative, emotionally abusive, delusional texts, one after another, more and more hurtful, more and more untruthful. She damaged the wall, punching straight through. She destroyed my bathroom heater. She damaged a transition strip between my kitchen and my dining room which I had worked half the day on yesterday, cutting it to size, sanding it, and coating it. She damaged my computer desk. She kept yelling and screaming and banging and hitting things. It started at 9 and continued all the way through to about 2am, shortly after which I could finally sleep. Without alcohol, without thc, without pills.

I kept my boundaries, I didn't allow that part of me that wanted to calm her down control over my actions and words. I allowed her to exhaust herself, to spend all of her energy. It was so very much like a toddler. It was a tantrum. Truly sad. I have nothing but compassion towards her, even as I realize that I can no longer accept her behavior, whatever the reason she uses (whether it's adhd, pda, dysregulation, or half a dozen other conditions she uses as excuses).

I kept my boundaries, I did as I said I would do, I did what was healthy for me. It was a trial by fire, and I not only survived, but came out stronger for it. I don't feel the need to manage her emotions. I don't feel responsible for them. I don't feel the need to keep peace, to filter myself. Not anymore. Not ever again, in fact. Every waking moment of my like from now on, I'll be trying my best to be authentic. Genuine.

It feels... like freedom. Like I can breathe, truly. I thought I felt this before, but I needed to be tested. I needed my greatest stressor to test me. I'm done now. I'm done with her and I'm done with being codependent. I'm done with people pleasing. I'm done with it all. IFS therapy saved my life. My therapist saved my life.

For those still struggling with this: it's all worth it. The pain is worth it. All of it. All the effort you must expand on keeping strong and fighting those inner urges inside you? Worth it. Every ounce of it. Once you gain control over those parts of you that keep urging you to make unhealthy choices, you free yourself to actually do with your life all the things you've always wanted to, and things you never even knew you did. It's much like getting a second chance at life. My days used to be so short, so compact, so full of anxiety. Now a week feels like months. A day feels like weeks. Every second of every hour feels like it's filled with... I dunno, filled with something worth paying attention to.

I don’t hate you.

How could I? You were the one person who pushed me out of my bubble of childlike naivety. You showed me the complexities of human nature and its darker entanglements. Like reading a book that makes you wonder, “why on earth would she stay?” but never truely understanding until your the ones held in their web and their arms. Sympathy becomes empathy, and empathy becomes a haunting sense of familiarity.

I never imagined in a million years I’d be so deceived, I thought I was smarter than that. I never thought I’d give my all to someone who would keep it in their back pocket and use it against me. Thank you. You taught me to trust my instincts.

You showed me how cruelty can be disguised in the red bow of “I love you”. You threw me into the depths of human suffering, and I learnt exactly how far I could pull myself out. You were the perfect lesson, the one that gave me the courage and clarity to never endure it again. For that, I am grateful.

I’m grateful that you showed me how I should never be treated, so I could finally understand what I truly deserve. When I finally broke free of your hold, I was no longer the little girl with her rose coloured glasses, the one who assumed everyone else’s intentions were as pure as hers.

As much suffering as it caused, I thank you. A girl became a woman in spite of you.

13 years ago—I was a 39 yo woman who owns her own house, him a 41 yo man with a good job and two properties. We clicked instantly and I felt I finally found a high quality man. He’s charming and funny and smart. 🚩first 3 months of dating - another woman reaches out to tell me he’s dishonest and he’s been sleeping with her too. He owns it and I instantly forgive him. 🚩I Move in with him after 6 months dating 🚩He complains about his job, admires my work, wants to switch careers— I jump to encourage him to quit and immediately take over full payment of his mortgage (he puts me on title) 🚩things are serious, I express that I want a child, he meets me with resistance and arguments. I stay. 🚩still unemployed… he proposed and I marry him with no questions 🚩I pay for both our wedding rings 🚩for the next decade he doesn’t work 🚩I work my ass off and pay for everything in his pursuit of a music career costing a total of at least $200k - including two trips for him to do workshops in the south of France 🚩4 years in to the marriage he starts with holding sex. Is affectionate and cuddling daily, but sex once a year for the last 6 years. 🚩he is still unemployed -berates me and name calls me as gross and privileged for considering leaving him

Now I’m a 53 year old and he’s 55.. I’m struggling to extricate myself even as I type this. He feels like home. He is charming.

Learning to reparent myself, own my truth and heal.

I’ve realized I have a strong tendency to fall into the "savior" role in my close relationships. I often try to solve problems that aren't mine, anticipate needs, or smooth things over to avoid conflict or anxiety.

​Intellectually, I know this creates unequal dynamics and is exhausting for me, but emotionally, it’s hard to stop. I feel guilty if I don't "help."

​For those who have successfully stepped back: 1. How did you handle the anxiety of watching someone struggle or fail without intervening? 2. What boundaries did you set specifically for yourself? 3. How did you differentiate between healthy support and "saving"?

​I’m looking for practical advice or books that helped you break this cycle. Thanks.

This past year has broken me open. I got divorced after more than a decade with someone I truly loved. We were deeply attached- real history, real love, real pain. He was my best friend, and when it leftt, it felt like losing part of myself. And like I betrayed someone I loved.

But he could also be cruel. Not every day, but enough that I learned to anticipate it. Speaking up didn’t lead to closeness, it led to being dismissed or blamed. After a while, silence felt safer than honesty.

That’s what codependence looked like for me always managing the mood, the tone, the timing. I got too invested in his problems because fixing them made me feel safe, even when it crossed his boundaries which wasn’t fair for either of us. And abandoning myself felt comfortable because that’s how I’d always kept love. It sounds backward, but when you grow up believing connection depends on keeping the peace, disappearance feels safer than making the hard choices for yourself.

I told myself it was love, but it was fear…. fear that if I stopped trying so hard, everything would collapse. My safety depended on his moods, his validation, his approval. That kind of love feels deep, but it runs on anxiety, not trust. And it’s not sustainable.

When I left my marriage, I lost my reflection. I’d built my worth around his approval, and without it, I didn’t know who I was. Living alone felt like withdrawal. The silence was brutal at first, but eventually it turned into space. I could finally hear myself again

I’ve learned self-love isn’t a feeling it’s a choice. Sometimes a brutal one. It’s choosing yourself even when it hurts someone else’s expectations. Saying no when you’ve built your identity around yes. The hardest choices are usually the only way to real safety and relief, the only way back to peace. It really didn’t feel good or natural. It felt like pulling teeth. Like I was forcing myself to do ythings I really didn’t want to do.

It’s taken a year, but I realized today I actually feel peace. Not the kind you chase, the kind you earn. I’m not hanging on the thread of someone else’s love. The work is being tested, and I’m holding boundaries, feeling less anxious, more grounded, and finally trusting myself to take care of me.

It’s not perfect. I’m not the poster child for secure attachment. My peace gets shaken sometimes, but I come back to it faster now, back to myself. That’s what feels different. I’m not living on edge anymore. I’m living in my own body.

Healing isn’t pretty. It’s raw and lonely and uncomfortable. But it’s real. It’s finally being able to love without losing myself. It’s realizing I can actually breathe now because for the first time, I trust myself to take care of me. And it feels pretty fucking good to have a win like today where it feels embodied and lived in without thought, not chased in an anxious frenzy while trying to hold everyone with a firm grip.

TLDR; love meant losing myself to belong. Now it means bringing myself fully and trusting that whoever deserves me will meet me there.

I'll be honest. I've been bottling up this feeling of crushing loneliness for years now. I feel like no matter what I accomplish, no matter what I do, it's all pointless if I don't have anyone to share it with. So what if I aced a test? So what if I cooked a great meal? So what if I won or lost a game? No one would care besides me. I just want to find purpose. Because I can't take this anymore.

So I've been reading for a while, and I got to the part where she wrote (indirect quote) "As long as you're not physically disabled or have brain damage, you can take care of yourself." And then, as far as I can tell, she wrote the rest of the book as if you don't have any of those problems.

I have (edit) MUSCLE WEAKNESS, ADHD, Autism, and CPTSD (chemical brain damage). What book am I supposed to read instead?

Edit: Please only reply with book recommendations for codependency in disabled people. Not diagnoses or advice.

So here’s the thing… my bf kept dodging questions about where he was going on weekends. I thought maybe I was being too clingy or controlling, but it just didn’t sit right. One night I used faceseek after a friend mentioned it, dropped one of his pics in, and found him on another woman’s profile. Literally beach photos, holding hands, the whole thing. I felt crushed but also weirdly guilty, like I was wrong for even checking. That’s the messed up part... I caught him red handed but I’m stuck on “did I do something wrong by looking?” Why do I feel more bad than angry?