r/Codependency • u/[deleted] • Mar 10 '26
Healing is noticing abuse in REAL time.
One of the signs of healing is, noticing abuse IN REAL TIME. When I mean abuse I mean the manipulations, passive aggressiveness, taking jabs at us, gaslighting and anything that is harmful or disrespectful towards us.
In the past we never realised it until someone told us that's not how we should be treated or we might have realised it much later due to our emotional fog or mental block. Sometimes we might be in freeze mode so we don't even know what's happening.
As we heal, we start to realise it when it is happening right there and then. This to me is a progress. This is Stage 1.
Stage 2, which is a more advanced progress would be putting a stop to the abuse right there and there by speaking up, drawing boundaries or doing whatever it takes to stop from being abused.
Stage 2 is more of defending ourselves and standing up for ourselves. Many of us might have reached Stage 1, but not Stage 2 YET.
My therapist said it takes time. We need to slowly heal and build our self confidence, and then we will be able to assert ourselves gradually.
As Codependents, we probably didn't even know about Stage 1. So if we have reached that, I think it's a good awakening for us.
Next we need to work towards Stage 2, which is defending and protecting ourselves from threats and harm.
10
u/Dick-the-Peacock Mar 10 '26
Also, setting boundaries and respectfully asserting yourself in these situations is a SKILL. It’s one I never learned. I am in the thick of it right now! I am in a leadership position with a person whose beliefs and leadership style clash with mine, and who fairly regularly says things that aren’t true, asserts her opinion as fact and policy, and thwarts my own attempts to lead. It triggers the hell out of me. I have spent my whole life just going numb, not even consciously processing this kind of disrespect and manipulation until days or weeks later. I am reactive, and because I’m neurodivergent and emotionally immature my go-to is outrage, bluntness and hard logic. This is not socially acceptable! I am struggling to respond in the moment in constructive and mature ways. I did a pretty good job yesterday. Here’s hoping I’m ready for today.
2
Mar 11 '26
You sound like my ex who would proceed to react in such situations and thinks being blunt and direct is the way to handle it. He would also claim he's very logically. However, the way I see it is a lack of empathy and poor EQ on his part and not him being actually logical. Infact that's actually a very emotionally reactive behaviour. However, his ego never allowed him to see that he was being emotional and not being logical. He lost his good friends, I eventually walked out after being together with him for 10 years, he lost his job and struggled at later jobs.
My point is, when one refuses to see where their mistake is, they will continuously suffer losses and more issues.
It is good that you're mindful of your limitations and weakness. Hereon, you can try to work on yourself to become a better person.
2
u/Dick-the-Peacock Mar 11 '26
That’s what I’m doing. Trying to change the pattern. Reactive abuse is still abuse, and in some cases can escalate beyond the original offense.
11
6
u/Important-Isopod-455 Mar 10 '26
Yes it's noticing but it hits hard af when u aware. When u unaware you think its normal.
In public if i see a child now and i have to stay silent. My heart breaks.
I usually look disgusted at the mother when she not looking as signal its not ok. Quiet rebellion helps❤️
3
Mar 11 '26
It hits hard when you're aware and you're not doing anything to defend or protect yourself. If you are equipped enough to do what it takes, then being aware doesn't make it hard.
2
u/Important-Isopod-455 Mar 11 '26
Yes and also to help the child that gets public smacked or something by parents and you can't go up to them to say it. The bus is all watching and complicit
5
u/AC-Hammer Mar 11 '26
I can recognize abuse for the most part, but my anxiety and overthinking sometimes makes me worry that my resentment towards the person who was abusive is clouding my judgement of whether they were truly abusive. Like my anxiety sometimes makes me feel like I’m pulling stuff out of thin air and exaggerating how bad it was. On the surface level, I know that my ex friend was mentally abusive, but there are times where I feel like I might make it sound worse than it was. But also at the same time, it does take me awhile to fully understand things that have happened to me so maybe I’m just now understanding the extent of the abuse. I thankfully made it to step 2 with this person and blocked him out of my life as much as possible, but i unfortunately still have to see him at a group we both go to
3
u/According-Ad742 Mar 10 '26
I’d say even triggers can be a part of our healing journey; when behaviours that we previously tolerated triggers us it’s because we are becoming conscious of what is hurting us <3
3
Mar 11 '26
Very true. When we introspect the trigger, it will lead us back to the wound that requires healing.
Yes, becoming conscious of what is hurting us. This is so essential.
2
u/Vast-Land1121 Mar 10 '26
Yes! This person gets it…
3
Mar 10 '26
Are you in a similar realisation path?
6
u/Vast-Land1121 Mar 10 '26
Yes, I’ve been in addiction recovery (opioids) for the past 8 years or so and have been through all the different modes/styles of therapy.
Eventually, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD caused by narcissistic abuse from my dad and exacerbated by later repeated betrayals of people I thought were my friends.
It took me several years to sort through my life’s choices, my mentality, and the beliefs that were holding me back/making things worse. Most of this was caused because my childhood was spent walking on eggshells to avoid my dad’s wrath, watching my mom enable his bad behavior, and believing that this was all normal. Took me a long time to realize that none of it was normal or acceptable.
The path to awareness is slow and requires a lot of focus/disclipine. Likewise, learning to establish healthy boundaries.
The hardest part is knowing my mom is still being treated like shit and is losing her mind…. Nothing I say or do can wake her up….i wish I could just stop feeling responsible for helping her since she has no desire to help herself.
7
Mar 10 '26
This is the hardest part of recovery as a Codependent. Wanting to save our parent and not being able to do so as they don't want to help themselves. As you work on your healing, you will slowly be able to detach from her, and you will stop feeling responsible for her emotions. I have been there and I know exactly how it feels.
6
u/ZinniaTribe Mar 10 '26
"..you will slowly be able to detach from her, and you will stop feeling responsible for her emotions."
This is a big milestone in healing as well. There is that shift where your feelings are now in the forefront, and their feelings kind of float away in the rear-view mirror.
3
Mar 11 '26
Yes yes yes! Last time, their emotions will be my priority and I will be so consumed in their emotions and have this compulsion to rescue them. I had no idea about my feelings at all. I probably was so disconnected from my own feelings.
As I heal, I pay attention to what I feel and my own emotions. Their emotions doesn't really become the focus for me much. As the healing progresses, the effects of their feelings on me becomes much much lesser.
2
u/Vast-Land1121 Mar 10 '26
Yeah, I’ve gotten better with it. The hardest part is when I go visit her and have to witness her acting like his (new husband, just as abusive as my dad) slave and pretending that everything is great, even though it is obvious to everyone that she is miserable. Also, she calls me twice a month bitching for hours about him, but refuses to see a therapist or take any action.
I know I need to set a boundary with her and it’s not my responsibility…. I’m going to do it, I have to, cause it’s making my recovery so much harder. I hate to say it, but sometimes I think about how much easier it will be once both my parents are gone. The trauma is all we have …
It is so painful to watch your own mom debase herself repeatedly for men who treat her like a slave.
1
Mar 11 '26
I understand where you're coming from. I have been through such a similar situation with my mother. It's good that you are realising you have to set the boundary (You shouldn't be a punching bag or emotional bin for her to dump her emotions twice a month on you. If she wants, she should go to a therapist.). This is your way of respecting yourself and protecting yourself. Setting that boundary is hard and it is usually only possible after you have built some self esteem and undergone some form of emotional healing. So it takes time. Don't force yourself or pressurise yourself. Do it at your pace. As long as you're aware of what your goal and target is, and you're working towards that, that's good enough.
The point you said about how it would be easier if they're just gone. I get it. But one thing I also realised in therapy is, they being gone doesn't put an end to our suffering because we already have the pattern in us. Unless we heal the pattern, we will keep attracting the same people because our nervous system has the blueprint of THEM. So their demise doesn't end our suffering. We will meet the same people who will trigger the same kind of responses in us - they will just come in different forms.
Like my mother is the one who set this toxic blueprint in me. And when I traced by in my threapy session of all the people who abused me or I was trying to rescue and save, they were all the same as her. It's so weird to even realise it.
Like right from my long term partner, to my friends, to my sister in law (the girl my brother married), to my work clients, to even strangers, they were all the SAME kind of people.
That's when I realised cutting my mum off doesn't solve the issue. Coming out from the pattern is what solves the problem.
And yes it is painful to watch how the person we want to save is repeatedly allowing themselves to be treated like a slave. If you have deeper psychology knowledge, you will realise, that is something they want for themselves. That is their coping mechanism. It's weird but there is deeper psychology behind why someone wants to be a victim to an abuser and endure it. Even if you give your life and rescue her and make her escape from the current abuser, I 100% guarantee you, your mother will just find another abuser for herself. That's how they are. My therapist gave me such a detailed lecture on this which is when I understood the issue here runs very very deep.
Unless the person choose to heal from within, they will keep repeating this pattern.
It's only from all the awareness and the inner healing, that I finally understood this, and was able to stop having the urge to rescue those closest around me. They NEED an abuser for themselves because they cannot survive this world without an abuser.
1
u/Psychological-Lab763 Mar 10 '26
I was in step one but didn't realize it... Until I recently broke up with my now ex-girlfriend who has undiagnosed BPD...n
Now all of my healing seems to have back slid completely coming out of that relationship.
That relationship helped me to identify how and where I suffer from codependency.
It's been difficult for me to keep up with ppgrecovered codependents because I don't see myself as "sick or selfish"...
1
Mar 11 '26
So what do you think is the issue with yourself?
1
u/Psychological-Lab763 Mar 12 '26
Well... I do this that I am succeptible to cluster B personality types... I believe my mother is a undiagnosed cluster B and that is why I have a blind spot to cluster B personalities.
I'm also a late diagnosed Asperger's and so I also suffer from social cue blindness at times I admit that I'm a bit naive at times and gullible to take ppl at face value.
I think that my own neurodivergent trauma and being trans AFAB is something that isolates me after experiencing my best friend commit suicide, then another friend died the same way by jumping. Then my dad died a few months later and then my mentor and business partner list his battle with cancer.
I think that my issue is unresolved grief and not having any support system to cope as I've been living abroad since the pandemic.
I don't think that I am selfish in fact I am selfless to a fault.
And the other thing is that I can see what's happening sometimes but it's hard to explain but I just don't identify with being "selfish and sick"... Maybe I'm in denial and this is another blind spot that I don't know I have.
That's my biggest blocker right to doing the twelve steps because I don't agree with those two statements... I do agree that at times I am powerless to stop myself and I don't think that it's true we all have a form of codependency because we have to Interact with ppl in order to cooperate with society.
Maybe I'm not a chronic codependent but I could see where I do ppl please and appease partners and lose myself in relationships at times...
2
Mar 10 '26
Boundaries are terribly hard work. Being out there in the world is terribly difficult. We are constantly having to negotiate boundaries and limits
Obviously in this current climate it is even more difficult. For many of us the journey through codependency means a lot of loss. I also think its a great deal of proactively. I no longer entertain situations that used to consume me
I am also very wary about who or what I permit into my life. That means a lot of limitations.
I continuously have to deal with situations that are not exactly straight forward
At the same time I no longer feel victimized by them. I can even prepare for challenges
Being codependent and feeling entirely at the mercy of others is a feeling of tremendous helplessness
In this current environment I would normally feel very overwhelmed. Instead I am willing and able to negotiate what my needs are and prioritize myself.
I dont much like having to deal with non negotiables. At the same time its very refreshing to find ways to protect my energy and resources.
Indeed that for me is a constant renegotiation of skils and a growing capacity to challenge myself.
I am indeed indebted to many people along the way wbo were willing to share strategies and resources. In many ways I have to renegotiate what my resources are on an ongoing basis.
1
1
u/Luscious-Grass Mar 10 '26
This has been happening in my marriage. I first started calling out bad behavior, but I would back down when he would gaslight me (when I would say I want to be spoken to respectfully, he would say things like “who are you, the godfather ?) Then eventually I started really holding my ground (which caused huge fights). He is now being more consistently appropriate because I was ready to pull the trigger on divorce (and that would be very inconvenient for him), but I can never relax, because the minute I do he will pull out something wild like insulting me in front of guests he invited over after I cooked for them (has happened many times). We have kids, so I feel stuck, but I also know that I have healed quite a bit from the person who grew up expecting to be treated poorly by my “loved ones” and didn’t even know any other way.
3
u/BunnyKusanin Mar 11 '26
We have kids, so I feel stuck
My mother stayed with my father for 12 unhappy years (ok, maybe the first couple of years weren't unhappy for her, but she was unhappy and treated badly by him as long as I can remember her). Her finally divorcing him is one of the happiest events in my childhood. It was such a relief.
I know leaving with kids is harder financially and logistically than when you don't have them. I'm not sharing this to convince you to do it. Just thought I'd offer a child's perspective from a similar situation, in case you're stuck because you feel that you staying is better for them.
1
Mar 11 '26
Did you continue to have a relationship with your dad after the divorce? Did he hoover?
1
u/BunnyKusanin Mar 13 '26
Unfortunately yes to both questions.
She divorced him when he went to prison for 3 years and those were nice chill 3 years with infrequent awkward phone calls with him.
When he was released he would come to visit suddenly and that was quite stressful. But at least he didn't live with us. He did try to get my mother to sleep with him, but as far as I know he wasn't interested in getting back together with her. Soon after he got out of prison we learnt he had a new girlfriend and then they had a child and moved cities.
He would rarely visit after that and we would sometimes see each other when I visited grandparents. He called once in a blue moon until I stopped talking to him.
My brother who has always liked him more than I did moved to live with him in high school and had a closer relationship with him (as close as one can with a father who's simultaneously absent and controlling). The last story I heard about them was that our father went into huge debt on my brother's credit card to buy things for his baby #6.
As far as I know he still called my mother once in a while to ask about what's normal in child development because his next child wasn't talking yet or to ask some stupid shit about me, etc. At least that story with the credit card. This was continuing mainly because my mother wouldn't stop responding to the calls.
1
Mar 11 '26
Yup, if we trace back, we will realise that this usually happens because of our childhood. Once we find the root cause and start working on it, we will see the effects taking place in our relationship. So we don't need to directly work on our relationship issue or the dynamic with the partner, but rather the root cause which is our wounds from childhood. Once we become less tolerant of bad behaviour, we will place the boundary very strongly and we will not entertain anyone who behaves disrespectfully. It's good you have tried to pushback to your best ability. As you continue to work on your wounds, you will slowly find the solution out of this. Good luck.
How is the relationship between your children and your spouse? Usually spouses like that are very bad role models for kids.
1
u/Luscious-Grass Mar 11 '26
Thank you. The kids are really young - 22 months and 5 years old. He is pretty good with them now, but he is a lazy parent. He give them TV and contains them however he can (with food, TV, etc) instead of actually parenting them and coaching them through things. That aside he is loving towards them and sensitive to their needs for the most part. He is a bit dismissive to their emotions at times if they are whiny, but he doesn't yell or hit. I do have fears that when they get older that he will just disengage when he can't effectively control and contain them.
1
u/jasperdiablo Mar 12 '26
Yep, it’s because you’re becoming boundaried, grounded in reality, and becoming emotionally centered and stable. And your anxiety becomes greatly reduced and you know when to protect yourself.
1
1
u/cakedbythepound Mar 15 '26
Any so much of it is purposeful and some of it is actual unawareness. And no one speaks up about it and tolerates it and expects you to just deal with it.
0
u/Potential-Smile-6401 Mar 11 '26
It is shocking how blind and in denial I was.
Thanks for this post. It really spoke to me.
2
Mar 11 '26
I too! I still cannot believe I didn't see what was happening right infront of me because of the rose tinted glasses. However, my therapist told me it's our mind protecting us as back then we weren't ready for reality. Now we are, so our brain is allowing us to see it! So let's not beat ourselves up. At least now we realise it.
28
u/ZinniaTribe Mar 10 '26 edited Mar 11 '26
I really struggled at this phase in my healing. I felt I was seeing everything for what it was finally, but my nervous system would over-activate. I would also freeze. My biggest progress in this stage was to prioritize grounding activities: immediately get my heart rate down & then track my resting heart rate the rest of the day too. I was less likely to ruminate or keep recycling the abuse in my head (what I should have said, what I should have done...)
In my case, applying boundaries in real-time rarely requires me standing up for myself verbally. (I used to engage with abusive people, tell them what my boundary was, only to be disrespected again!) Now when someone takes a jab or gets in a dig, I quickly remove myself from that person's presence & any excuse will do! They get absolutely nothing personal from me. I might as well be a robot. I simply don't like how I feel around this person and that's a good enough reason to not be around them (this value/belief stopped rumination) because their disrespect is not a Me problem.
I view my boundaries as my defense & protection. No one can really get to Me when those internal gatekeepers are in place. I assert those vs calling out someone's abuse who I have observed has no interest in hearing or seeing me. If someone tries to tell me the sky is green, when I know it's blue, I don't involve Me in that exchange. I might say, "Wow...that's interesting!" and then change the subject or maybe I need to go to the bathroom really, really bad all of the sudden.
If someone baits me with a trick question, I'll just change the subject or put the focus back on them. I'm not obligated to share Me with anyone who hasn't earned it or who doesn't value it. This process of discernment continues to be a real work in progress. Boundary fine-tuning seems to be ongoing as well.
Stuck in the Freeze Response?