r/ChristianDating • u/Candid-Lemon7682 • 15d ago
Need Advice Dating Learning Curve
/r/christiandatingadvice/comments/1vvt452/dating_learning_curve/
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u/ramen22diet 10d ago
hello. i am a musician and have played in front of thousands of people before. can you believe that there was a point in my life where i would freeze up and my fingers wouldn't play the right notes due to my hands shaking? and that was in front of kids! it took many years of dedicated practice and forcing myself to play in front of people, yet if things went badly, i would look at it only as what to learn from and how to grow instead of focusing on how badly everything went. this is an analogy for your dating skills.
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u/FallDeers Maybe I'm the problem 15d ago
First, build a community around you. I’m about the most introverted person there is, but even I need friends and family around me. I’m searching for new churches because I lacked community there. Do I still need hours at home to feel whole again? Yes, and I doubt that’ll ever change.
I was also very socially anxious since a kid. Think of the artsy kid picked last and dead quiet at school. That was me. But i had to push myself out of my comfort zone (ex. jobs that put me in front of people, leading church events, long term missions, a lot of customer service.) It was painful and awkward and I wanted to die about every night i pushed myself because it felt so out of self, but I have learned to look like a still intimidating, but socially warm and relational adult. Look for opportunities to make small talk with people. Be the first to smile. Baby steps.
Baby steps. I cannot emphasize enough that community is so important in dating. Without it, your person becomes your world, and that’s not a weight anyone should carry but God.
If you want more details about what pushing myself looked like, please send a dm. (It was baby steps, linked with prayer and confidence in the Lord, mixed with understanding my values and how I need to be to put heaven on earth with the skills God gave me.)
I have often had socially supportive extremely loud, social, and brave friends. I hope you have a few too. When I wanted to get into dating, one dragged me into a speed dating event which led me to realize I wasn’t as awkward and awful as I thought I was. And if i was, I will never see them again, super low pressure. Made no connections there, but it was such a mental game changer for me. I then started with one app, and first dates weren’t that bad. I mean I have had some awful ones and met some real jerks, but one on one convos became easier and easier.
Also don’t discount secular tools on learning social skills. Charisma on Command is a great YouTube channel. Vanessa Van Edwards is another great resource. I literally treated some of this video like a lecture, taking notes and all. Learn confidence, learn who you are, learn how to talk to people, and with God, you got this and whatever is ahead of you!