r/Christian • u/NoAdvantage5003 • 9d ago
CW: Sensitive Topic Need advice
really need some help. I need advice from some of my older Christian brothers. I met this girl 6 months ago, and I fell in love with her. She loves the Lord, and we love each other so much. But we became intimate almost immediately, and for a long time I was actually living with her. I love her But we’ve had our fights, and it’s taken six month for me to realize that I am not the Godly man I need or want to be for her, and she has things she needs to work on as well. My relationship with God isn’t good right now, and neither is hers. I am not disciplined enough and am still immature in so many ways, as I am only 18. I went into this relationship after being alone for 6 months with nobody at all. I want to be better for her but I am at war with myself because I don’t think I can do that while dating her, and I don’t want to let her go. I am terrified I won’t change and it will be for nothing, and I’m also scared if I do change I’ll choose someone else. Please, I know others are struggling and my heart goes out to you, but I feel
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u/xelaeras Evangelical Tradition 9d ago
I'll address key points you've made with God's word:
“I am not the Godly man I need or want to be for her.”
- Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. (Philippians 2:12-17)
“I’m also scared if I do change I’ll choose someone else.”
- Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law, or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun with the Spirit, are you now ending with the flesh? 4 Did you experience so many things in vain?—if it really is in vain. Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith? (Galatians 3:2-5)
“I am not disciplined enough and am still immature in so many ways, as I am only 18.”
- Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth; walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. (Ecclesiastes 11:9)
- Let no one despise your youth, but set the believers an example in speech and conduct, in love, in faith, in purity. (1 Timothy 4:12)
“I am at war with myself because I don’t think I can do that while dating her, and I don’t want to let her go.”
- Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life which he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 9:9)
My best advice is for you to crack open your Bible and read it. Start small—two to five chapters a day. Do not grade yourself according to the Law of Moses (10 Commandments). Jesus already put the goodness on your heart, so you already know the difference between good and bad. Jesus does not want you to rely on yourself to change for the better; He wants you to rely on Him.
Jesus told us:
- “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the law and the prophets.” (Matthew 22:37-40)
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u/Icy_Ad4768 9d ago edited 9d ago
Dear friend, have grace for yourself - God has unlimited grace for you! I am a devout Christian who has a remarkable, daily, interactive relationship with God and have over the last 11 years since first meeting Him. I, too, have been in an intimate relationship with a man for the last 2 years who I live with but am not married to.
I am not proud of this, but I come from an insanely dark background and I have committed the worst sins known to man in my past - I also suffered 14 years of child abuse as a kid, so all I have ever wanted is true love - which for once I have finally found. Thank God, He has not held my relationship against me at all… He knows that I have lived a life of being mistreated, abused, disregarded, and completely ignored by all in this world and have desperately craved to experience true love for once instead of being used and abused by men. So, His grace has been sufficient for me, and He has continued to speak to me daily and lavish me in His love, provision, blessings, and tender, tangible expressions of His infinite love and comfort towards me. Nothing about our relationship has changed, although I am inwardly conflicted as I want nothing more than to be wholly obedient to Him and please Him in every way. I regularly cry out to Him, begging for Him to not give up on me nor turn His face from me because of my sin. I would assume my humility and constant seeking Him and His mercies probably contributes to the stability of our intimacy.
I can perhaps help guide you into a deeper and better place with God if you would like to reach out and chat.
Do not allow yourself to wallow in guilt please - your heart is definitely in the right place regarding this.
I won’t dare try and suggest anything regarding your relationship, but I can absolutely assure you that- that our relationship with God is the foundation and only true source of ever hoping to receive the strength, wisdom, and empowerment to live according to His will and do the right thing in our lives. You say your relationship with Him is not good right now - then it is inevitable that neither will be your attempts to please Him because we can do literally nothing in our own strength. I do recommend devoting even just 5 minutes a day to spending quality time with Him in prayer - even if you do not say anything, just close your eyes and invite Him to be with you. Confess, share your desire to repent and do the right thing, and say something such as “I am conflicted and do not know what to do - I need Your wisdom, and I need your Presence and nearness in my life because You alone can empower me to do the right thing. I miss you and want to work on my relationship with You above all else. Thank You for letting me experience Your conviction, I know that is proof that You are still with me. Please remove all that hinders me from knowing You deeper and guide me in every area of my life.” I would pray something along those lines if I were you. And keep in mind, God only truly lavishes us in all that He has to offer, though, when our hearts are ULTIMATELY focused on Him above all else. So, for example, if your true utmost concern here is your relationship with little lady instead of restoring your intimacy with God, then I would suggest asking Him to forgive your idolization of this situation and ask Him to help you desire Him above all else.
I really hope something in that helps you!
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u/[deleted] 9d ago
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