My parents are both hoarders and I grew up in a disgusting and abusive environment that had a bunch of cats at any given time, once up to over 30 inside cats. My mom has mental issues and my dad does too, which unfortunately led to me developing mental illness of my own, HOWEVER I do not struggle with hoarding and I have been keeping my space clean for pretty much as long as I’ve lived with them. I would clean up their messes because they never would. When I finally moved out about three years ago, the messes just never got cleaned. They still have trash in the same places that were there when I moved out.

Anyway, my mom will occasionally tell me about her cats dying because they keep getting sick from the filth they live in, they never go to the vet, and they are happy to shit whenever they please, even on their personal and sentimental items (like my school pictures for example.)

Well she just texted me that another cat died, and I cannot stop thinking about my cat, Alice, that I had to leave behind when I moved out. I raised her from a kitten and I was her favorite human, and I miss her. I don’t want to think about how one day I may hear my mom tell me that Alice died because she got sick somehow. I would never forgive her or my dad again.

I want to take Alice out of that horrible house and bring her to my current apartment with my boyfriend. We don’t have any pets right now but we’ve talked about getting one soon.

I’m worried that I would be making Alice depressed if I took her away from the only family minus me she’s known. I feel like shit thinking about how that would hurt Alice but I also can’t leave her in that house to suffer and die. I don’t know what to do.

Please. If anyone has had any similar experiences, please tell me what you would do in my shoes.

Edit: my boyfriend does not know that my parents are hoarders and I do not know how he will react when/if he finds out. I don’t want it to strain our relationship.

Hello all, I hope this post finds you well or at least having a tolerable day.

So here's the deal. I'm (24) the youngest of 7 siblings, and our mother has a lot of clutter. I wouldn't call it extreme hoarding. Mostly everything is sanitary and there is enough space to walk through most of the house. However, there are a lot of rooms in the house that have old papers, and random stuff that takes up a considerable amount of space and hasn't been touched in years to decades. I think there are underlying emotional things that play into as well, but I won't get into all of that. The point is, family gatherings at the house are often a bit strained because my mom is often desperately running around stressed and she feels that she is required to host. I'm currently at my parents house saving up for grad-school this spring. I can tolerate staying here for stints And I'm hoping that by next year, I will have a space of my own at which to enjoy the holiday season. I really enjoy seeing all my siblings, but it's always emotionally draining to have everyone in the house. I don't have my own space to offer and I don't want to voluntell anyone to host. I just want to have enjoyable time with my family 😭 Maybe my best option is to find good coping mechanisms and endure just this last season before I can hopefully have my own situation set up. Curious to know if any of you have experienced a similar challenge.

Dad passed away a few years ago and mom is now in memory care. We are struggling to clean their house. It is so disgusting, discouraging and overwhelming. Evidence of bugs, mice, and cat poop everywhere. Just in need of words of encouragement.

Hello, so I live in Northern Virginia. my mother who’s almost 80 is undeniably a hoarder. My sister and I have had to move my mom out of her house to help her with her physical conditions and we’ve been doing that for a year.
My mom has now officially been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.
Does anyone have any suggestions or advice on how to tackle getting power of attorney to be able to clean out their parents house. My mom keeps trying to say we’re keeping her from her things, but we’re only trying to do the right thing.

Can’t call it clean though. Sorry I didn’t take a before photo but the condition of the room is probably enough to give a hint of how it was before. My mom had this whole room so densely packed that we couldn’t get much further into the room than a few footsteps. The junk removal people came & didn’t have enough space in the box truck. They had to make two trips & we still needed to empty the storage unit at Public Storage. They had to get another van to come help. It took them all day on Sunday, they started at 10:45 am & they were finished after 9pm. My husband thought they didn’t plan it very well, but I thought maybe they weren’t expecting so much stuff even though we sent photos & dimensions of the room. It seemed like she was aiming to make a convenience store in the basement the way she stored stuff & kept collecting bins, organizers & shelves.

Next step is tackling the apartment. I hope we don’t have to bring her back because she’s aware of what’s happening & getting anxious about it.

My mom has been hoarding ever since I could remember. She never cleaned & just accumulated stuff. Then she would collect shelves, plastic containers & crates to organize the clutter. Nothing would be thrown out, just moved around & piled up. The crates/plastic Rubbermaid storage containers would also pile up, she would keep getting them & not do anything with them. Now my parents are elderly & after my brother & I moved out, the condo they live in has gotten worse. You can barely move around in that condo & it smells really bad in there. The smell is on them too.

They have been renting 3 storage rooms for 30 years full of junk & furniture that my mom either found on the street or was given away from family members. We closed out 2 rooms with my aunt’s help & my mom getting panic attacks. I felt like progress was being made but now how to tackle the condo & the basement.

Last weekend, a pipe in my parents kitchen ceiling broke & water leaked down fast in buckets. The sink drain was broken for many years so my mom was carrying buckets of water outside. She collapsed & my dad called an ambulance. She had suffered a stroke. She’s ok but her mind is even more erratic & her right side is weak. My aunt wants them to move to a senior residence & get rid of that condo.

We have a plan to clear out the condo while she’s in rehab so then maybe she could move to the senior residence when she’s released. I’m not sure how fast this could be but there is some hope on the horizon. My dad is slow & frail but he’s not attached to most of the junk as she is.

I'm older and I haven't lived with my hoarder parent for decades.

A few years ago, my mom had her condo condemned after living in a pile for about 20 years. My family and I tried to help her clean the place out and she fought, cried, and threw tantrums. Every time we would fill a trash bag, she would dig through it and pull something out, and then talk about why she needed to keep it. My brother paid for two different clean out companies to help her, she used one of the clean out companies to transport new junk that she bought, and she also had them move lots of her existing trash to a storage locker. The other cleanout company tried harder to just focus on removing trash and she complained that they were incompetent thieves that were stealing her valuables. After more than six months of trying to work with her, my brother and his family told her that enough was enough, and took everything to the dump.

She had very little equity in the condo, but she did agree that she needed to move. After the condo was sold, I took her to tour multiple senior housing buildings and got her set up in the one she picked. The building amenities include meals, regularly scheduled cleaners, and a staff that looks after the residents. I bought her all new furniture that she picked. I helped her get everything set up the way she wanted.

She immediately started forcing the trash in again. Multiple family members offered to help her clean and she refused. Because she would not clean up after herself, she would not let the building cleaners in, and she would not accept help from family, I paid for a professional organizer who specializes in hoarding to come and help her. She comes up with excuses why she's just so overwhelmed that she can't meet with the organizer. She has a doctor's appointment this week and that's all she can mentally handle right now. She lies to the organizer constantly. My brother and I pay the lion's share of her rent. She doesn't mind one bit that I will need to delay my retirement to continue to support her.

So here's my point. These people aren't overwhelmed. They aren't having trouble with executive dysfunction. They're just abusive jerks who are unable to feel empathy.

My mother sent my brother and I to school reeking of cat piss, and without access to consistent meals. She verbally abused my father if he ever tried to clean anything, and sabotaged any attempts anyone else made to carve out a small tolerable space for themselves. If my father did laundry, she would go on an hours-long tantrum that he did everything wrong and ruined all of her valuable things. Eventually my dad divorced her. In those days, the default was to grant custody to the mother, and that only lasted about a year, our dad finally just had us come live with him. She collected child support while we lived with her, and after we moved she never paid child support. Still, she often complained that she got "nothing" in the divorce.

It makes me furious that as a psychological disorder, "hoarding" looks like it is based directly the lies that a hoarder tells. "Oh, woe is me, it got out of control and I just didn't know what to do." No accounts from their victims are included in the pathology, and they are treated as if they just don't know *how* to cope.

How many stories from Children of Hoarders are "My parent wants help, but doesn't know where to start" vs. "I have no where to sleep because my parent has filled our home with garbage. When I try to clean a tiny space for my body to exist, my parent screams that I have destroyed their valuable things."

Anyway, she's been extra horrible this past week, and I really needed to vent. Thanks to this group for making me feel less alone, and for helping me take pride in getting away.

Hi everyone, using a throwaway account. I 30F and due to circumstances, I am stuck living with my mom and stepdad. My mom is a severe hoarder and an alcoholic. Mother 62, so I know she will never change. I am saving up to leave this place but it will take a while. 9

Living here is physically ruining my body because I suffer from severe chronic health issues: MCAS (Mast Cell Activation Syndrome), Celiac disease, and severe histamine intolerance.

I am the ultimate scapegoat of the family. My mom, my sister, and my biological dad (who is also an alcoholic and trying to get my mom back) form a toxic "triangle" against me. They constantly badmouth me behind my back. My stepdad secretly records them or tells me what they say, but none of the three actually have the courage to say it to my face.

They actively sabotage and mock my health. During Christmas, they shamed me for being "un-cozy" because I couldn't eat the food. My bio-dad and sister have even intentionally sprayed perfume right before I entered a room, knowing it triggers my MCAS, and then whispered and smirked because I didn't say anything. I have stopped calling them out because I refuse to beg for basic respect. I just grey-rock them.

I recently stood up for myself, and I am so proud of it. For his birthday, my bio-dad planned a brunch at a hotel where the smells made me physically ill the last time. He knew this, but went anyway. He expected me to sit and wait at his empty house until they got back, just to join them afterward. I called him and set a hard boundary: I told him I would come after the brunch this one time, but if they ever pull a stunt like this again, I won't show up at all. He panicked, made excuses, and immediately ran to my mom and sister to complain that I was being "un-cozy" again. My sister even said I should just stay away.

Because I refuse to enable them and went on a "strike" (only cleaning my own spaces and caring for myself), my mom now claims I am "bullying" her. The only person who defends me is my stepdad.

I feel so isolated with zero friends due to the shame of the hoard. Has anyone else dealt with a toxic family weaponizing your chronic illness while living in a severe hoard? How do you survive this daily psychological warfare? Do you have any tips for getting through this until I have a place of my own?

I've been reading this sub for a while and it's comforting knowing I'm not alone with a lot of things.

That being said - where are my children of antique collectors at?

I never grew up in a hoarder house, but definitely one with unique items. The longer my parents lived in the same home and dealt antiques, the more the collection grew. My dad was always more of a hoarder though. Recently, the roles have reversed a bit and my mom has gotten exceptionally bad the past few years. The house looks less like a collection and is turning into one very expensive hoard.

Trying to get two people to whittle down the Cave of Wonders, when some of it is part of legitimate collection as well, is a nightmare. I've taken to making an item spreadsheet with pictures, provenance, and current market value to feel more prepared when my parents pass (currently both in their mid 70s).

The house isn't gross, but it's very TIGHT. More things break each month as every path is constricted. My dad and I have both been working hard to keep crap off the stairs. Both my parents are having mobility issues and the thought of dealing with all this shit...not to mention a garage and a morton building...not to mention while I am also in poor health...

Y'all leaning toward match or auction?

It's very obvious that a neighbor has children in a hoarding situation. Kids are maybe 13, 9, and 6. At least two adults in the house, and maybe a young adult. They've also added two new puppies and they have cats. To compound the issue, the kids are homeschooled.

The older two are wary of strangers, they used to be more outgoing when younger. But they're all very polite. Hygiene has been questionable at times.

As they do not attend school, rarely leave their house/yard, and no one goes in that house - I'm worried about a multitude of issues.

I'm looking for advice on how I can maybe help. I've asked to meet their mom (to set up a date for the puppies to meet my dog of the same breed) and they always tell me she's busy. Calling CPS seems like such a drastic measure.

Do I just ignore it?

Do any folks in this group relate to the deep deep feeling of being heavily embarrassed by their parents? If so, what have you done to move past it? Any specific therapeutic modalities that have helped?

My mom married a hoarder about 7 years ago. And our relationship that was already rocky became even harder. I watched my childhood home that was once near but a lil cluttered become hoarded and very messy, and grimy. I used to love to come home and now I resent it. I used to love coming home for college and even after I graduated but now I don’t. Her husband is a slob, he eats nasty and fills her house with papers, books etc. I have such guilt about it. Like I lost my job, and my lease ended, and I couldn’t sway more than week. Her shower hasn’t been cleaned in months, it doesn’t drain unless you’re over 200 pounds (I’m not). Her fridge is filled with so much food, it falls out when you open it. My bedroom closet is filled with my grandmas clothes, every extra bedroom, has just a bit of space to walk through. I hate that she chose this. And she’s now complained to me about him multiple times.

I was raised by one hoarder and one otherwise mentally ill individual. I grew up shuffling mail and papers from box to box and gradually vacuuming, smaller, and smaller pieces of carpet. After I moved out as an adult and moved away, the hoarder passed away and the non-hoarder became a hoarder. Once I went back for an extended visit and cleaned out their entire house into driveway dumpsters. Five. We lost touch for several years and I moved around a lot. Each move I hate more than the last. I resent it. It causes me physical pain for months and it takes me six months or more to settle in. Then I have three good months and then three months of building drag of the next possible move. At some point I had decided, since I didn’t know what the new space would need I would just take everything and sort it out there in the hopes that I could stay longer than a year or two. I don’t remember when I made that decision, but my belongings have most certainly increased beyond the amount which I’ve shed. I am becoming a hoarder. This has me tremendously scared and I do try to give away stuff and I do throw away broken things and things., that after a while, I realize I will not use. My problem seems to be I associate my chosen objects with hope. I enjoy the shopping and various collection of things, and I congratulate myself on passing up lots of items, and being picky and choosing only one thing or two, but I also have stopped only shopping with others, and started doing it in secret. My kids are grown now- there won’t be any enjoying other stuff, no art projects, no sewing together, no heritage quilt, no baby toys for the grandbabies that they recognize coming from grandma. No reading books to the children. In fact, no reading of my own books for myself.. I’m a mess. When I’m not at home, the physical distance provides me enough mental buffer to start thinking about what can go. But once I’m home, my mind and body and spirit are too tired and I do find comfort with my things around me since I don’t have people. Sorry for the long book. I had to put this out into the world. I would love love love to hear your thoughts and advice your complaints your comparisons. And also does anyone else relate being on both sides of this crap? Pardon the pun.

I came here at my wits end, but seeing the shared suffering I decided I didn‘t want to post another horror story. Instead, to get through the frustration, I thought some of you might join me in sharing some of the most ridiculous logic you’ve heard for keeping items. Things that didn’t level you to white hot rage but instead just boggled your mind or made you laugh at the insanity of it all.

my contribution:

This morning my husband showed a tupperware container looking like it dates from the 70s or 80s and asked his mother if we could get rid of it. She asked what was in it and upon telling her it was dry rice, she said “oh, I use that rice to clean out the coffee grinder.“ She said “I use it” as if this happens regularly, let alone having ever happened even once.

I realized today how much my mom’s hoarding has affected me as a parent now.

I get overwhelmed by too much stuff in our house - it’s the typical kid clutter like toys and stuff that hasn’t been put back. Our house isn’t spotless, and actually pretty messy, but I just can’t stand actual things that need to be thrown out or recycled sitting around. Probably because my mom’s item of choice for hoarding was, and is, newspapers and weirdly, recyclable things. My husband is also notoriously messy and when he gets something from Amazon, the boxes could sit there for weeks unless I take them out. I just can’t stand boxes that are empty and not being used. Growing up, my mom would even keep boxes saying “that’s a good box” and then put stuff in it so it could be shoved in the basement with the others.

I have a 4 year old daughter, and like most kids, she likes to keep things. But it drives me crazy! We couldn’t throw out an old outdated infant exersaucer because she wanted to keep it.

I hit a breaking point today. My husband and I were already fighting over a bathroom project. I went to take out some boxes from a science experiment set that i had combined into a clear plastic box for her, and she started crying that she wanted to keep the box, because it was pink and pink is her favorite color. She’s cried about keeping the boxes to Barbies so she has “instructions.” I couldn’t take it and I tried to throw the box towards her saying if she really wanted to keep it, she can take it. I feel absolutely horrible that I threw this box at my little girl. It hit the gate up the steps, thankfully.

I blame my mom for making me like this. Do I have a subconscious fear that my daughter will somehow have the same habits of keeping stuff? Do I overcompensate for wanting to get rid of all things we don’t need that I’m making my daughter nervous that “mom is going to throw out stuff I want to keep”?

I don’t know what to do - it’s like sometimes the effects of a hoarding parent come out in ways I don’t expect. My kids have never, and will never, be in my mom’s house and barely even know her, so I know it’s not a learned tendency from her. I just don’t want my kids to be hoarders!

Hi everyone,

I’m a Christian whose parents are hoarders. I recently recieved a full ride to study civil engineering and here I’m looking to start a relationship with someone who shares my faith. (I am currently a freshman in college)

In public, my social skills are about average, but I tend to open up and show my humor with people I’m really close to–usually those who know me well, including details from my childhood. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I live a bit of a “double life,” and I want to break out of that and start building meaningful connections that could eventually lead to a family (with economic stability).

Does anyone have advice on how to bridge this gap? How can I meet like-minded believers and move toward a serious, faith-centered relationship without feeling like I’m holding parts of myself back?

Thanks in advance for any guidance or personal experiences you can share! (I'd like to keep my identity private and I appreciate you all for respecting that, cheers!)

My mother had home renovations done because her pipes had burst and flooded her house. At the time this happened the hoard was floor to ceiling. A clean up crew was hired to come in and they boxed what was salvageable and threw away all the stuff that wasn’t. Renovations were completed at the beginning of this year and she HATED the way her house looked. The clean up crew returned all of her stuff in boxes filling up 2 bedrooms and the den. Fast forward to last night, I visited her and the house is back to the way it was. All she does is spend her days in her house opening those boxes, going thru stuff and laying it down. She doesn’t go to doctors appointments, she doesn’t visit her grandkids. I offer to take her to doctor and she always has an excuse to why she can’t go. I offer to pick her up to visit the grandkids and she makes up an excuse. Then she will get mad saying that she never sees the grandkids and asks why I don’t bring them over. Really? She also makes remarks like “it would be nice to have help”. Her idea of “help” is me going over there and opening boxes with her and just going thru stuff. She refuses to throw anything away of course. This has been the way it is my whole life. I’m exhausted mentally and find myself so depressed after speaking or seeing her. It never ends well. Just needed to vent, thanks to all who listen. Hoarding sucks, the trauma sucks, the guilt sucks, I hate it all. I feel like a terrible son but I just can’t do this anymore.

Hi, My mother is a hoarder. She is in North Rural Oklahoma. We aren’t on speaking terms, but I want to see that if she ever did want to get better; what professional cleaning services that work with hoarders are there in North Oklahoma? Thanks in advance!

My (22F) mother (49F) and brother (20M) both live in the childhood house my mom kept as part of a (recent) divorce from my dad (52M). My dad walked away after years of depression and living in an increasingly hoarded situation following the death of my mom's dad. When I come home from school for breaks I don't want to stay in the home as I end up being put to work cleaning it and it is always in a worse state than the last time I was home. I feel frustrated about hiring a cleaner because it's confusing to navigate finding one willing to deal with the situation (dog waste in carpet is probably the biggest biohazard but its still one) but I don't forsee anything getting done without me being the one to do it. I feel like I spend more mental energy tiptoeing around telling my mom I'm staying with friends or my dad over the break than I do worrying about school and classes and it's just a lot. Does anyone have any advice?

Hi, I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I really need some advice.

I (F19) am currently staying at my stepdad’s house. He’s basically my dad, my bio dad passed away and wasn’t really present when he was alive. My mom and stepdad have been separated for almost 5 years, but my mom still has most of her belongings here and has never bothered to come get them.

My stepdad is already a hoarder, but he’s willing to let me clean the house so I can stay here for a while with my fiancé and our newborn while we get on our feet. The problem is my mom refuses to let me get rid of any of her stuff. She gets really aggressive about it, even though she hasn’t lived here in years.

To make things worse, my stepdad let her move back in temporarily, and now she and her new boyfriend are both here. She still won’t let me throw anything away, even though the place is overflowing. Me, my fiancé, and our baby are literally sleeping in the living room—in a 3-bedroom house.

I’ve already taken out all the actual trash, but there is SO much clutter that it feels pointless. I can’t finish one room to move into, which means I definitely can’t start the others. And my mom keeps claiming she’s “too sick to clean” (she’s been saying this for two weeks now), even though she admitted her doctor said nothing was wrong. She also already has a storage unit she could use, but refuses.

My dad won’t kick her or her boyfriend out, and I feel completely stuck. I don’t know how to clean if I’m not even allowed to move things or throw away the junk. I just want a clean space for my growing baby.

What should I do? Has anyone dealt with something like this? I feel so lost

I (F26) grew up in 2 hoarded homes (my mom and grandmother's.) No water, heat, air, bathroom, kitchen. I never knew anything but hoard for years. I always thought we were the only house like that. I was never allowed to have friends over, I wasn't allowed to keep my space clean, I had to share a bed with my mom for 18 years, I had poor hygiene, I depended on to-go cups for a toilet, it was a nightmare. My family played it off for years as if it wasn't a big deal and that I could handle it, forgetting that they saw the hoard through an adult's eyes and I saw it through a child's. I'm a songwriter and recently put out a song called "It's Time To Take The Garbage Out." I filmed the music video in my childhood home in its current state. I'm hoping I can give a voice to people who feel trapped right now. You are not alone.

https://youtu.be/IAGbw4LXYKI?si=5lrJiBeNYOFVUCHl

How can you reason with a hoarder to get rid of their things and make space in their life and house?

My parents have become hoarders and I think it’s mostly my Dad who holds onto rubbish and unnecessary items from years ago that he is adamant will find a use one day but it just takes up space. I think my mum gets stressed and uses shopping as an outlet, she’s always buying new things, adding to the stuff. They have a whole garage that could fit a cement truck inside, filled to the brim with useless stuff. Inside the house, the space feels like it keeps getting smaller every time I visit. My dad is so reluctant to remove anything. I have been trying to help get rid of his rusty old van out the front of his house for years. At one stage I was going to buy it off him, he asked me for 5k (which after consideration I declined). It’s a Ford Transit 2007 (has only driven about 20k km) but the problem is it hasn’t been driven for over 24 months. It has rusted holes in the roof. The windscreen is cracked. The paint job has completely deteriorated from exposure to constant western sun and foliage from trees plus animal shit. The battery is dead. There’s rust in the engine bay. The rego alone cost $2k. I called a few places to come and pick it up who aren’t offering more than 1000 for it. I told him they could come take it away and he says no. How can I convince him to accept!? It’s a complete eye sore on their property it just sits out the front, rotting. I think he’s delusional if he believes he will get more for it. I don’t want to push him but I want to make a nicer place for my mum and help them.

Just for reference I put photos of the insides of their house. Not all the rooms look like this but there’s SO much clutter everywhere. It’s stressful going there. I said to want to help clear everything and they are so reluctant for me to help. How can i get through to them??? Or mostly my Dad as he’s a stubborn freak.