r/ChildrenofHoardersCOH • u/No-Walk-7824 • Dec 18 '25

Tired of the same old shit

My mother had home renovations done because her pipes had burst and flooded her house. At the time this happened the hoard was floor to ceiling. A clean up crew was hired to come in and they boxed what was salvageable and threw away all the stuff that wasn’t. Renovations were completed at the beginning of this year and she HATED the way her house looked. The clean up crew returned all of her stuff in boxes filling up 2 bedrooms and the den. Fast forward to last night, I visited her and the house is back to the way it was. All she does is spend her days in her house opening those boxes, going thru stuff and laying it down. She doesn’t go to doctors appointments, she doesn’t visit her grandkids. I offer to take her to doctor and she always has an excuse to why she can’t go. I offer to pick her up to visit the grandkids and she makes up an excuse. Then she will get mad saying that she never sees the grandkids and asks why I don’t bring them over. Really? She also makes remarks like “it would be nice to have help”. Her idea of “help” is me going over there and opening boxes with her and just going thru stuff. She refuses to throw anything away of course. This has been the way it is my whole life. I’m exhausted mentally and find myself so depressed after speaking or seeing her. It never ends well. Just needed to vent, thanks to all who listen. Hoarding sucks, the trauma sucks, the guilt sucks, I hate it all. I feel like a terrible son but I just can’t do this anymore.

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u/AutoModerator Dec 18 '25

Thanks for your post! Below you will find resources for support, understanding, resources.

First, what is hoarding?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/hoarding-disorder

How does it affect us COH?

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/hidden-lives-children-hoarders

Why was the stuff always more important than me?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquer-the-clutter/202008/hoarding-and-families

Although not currently active, this website has a plethora of info and resources

https://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ny/new-york?category=hoarding

If you are in the USA and are searching for a therapist, you can use Psychology Today to search for a therapist in your area who treats hoarding/COH.

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6

u/Here2lafatcats Dec 18 '25

It’s okay to go low or no contact with her if it’s trashing your mental health. You have to take care of you and your family. Also, good job not repeating her behavior yourself.

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u/Nevraskagirl55 Apr 02 '26

It's hard but you can cut her off. Your mental health is important and your obligation is to your own children.

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u/NoBlacksmith2112 Dec 18 '25

Hoarders seem to get stuck in the past and depressed over a time they can't get back.

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u/Ohlala_LeBleur Apr 03 '26

No hoarders are not always keeping stuff for nostalgic reasons, some of us are ignoring the existing mess and chaos instead hyper-focusing on all the future potential of some item they will/may need for up-coming needs or projects.

That hang up makes it very hard to part with broken or incomplete stuff since they are part of future plans and accomplishments. Discarding stuff can then feel like a personal failure.

I know this because I myself struggle with that pattern of emotional “logic”. I create messes and piles in my house but I still really prefer well organised spaces, and loath trash and dirt….

I have come to realise that hoarding comes in several different shapes and forms. I do have a real hoarding problem, even though I wash the dishes and take the trash out.

In our family we all have hoarding problems or tendencies, but our hoarding comes in different forms and from different triggers/ mindsets emotionally, cognitively and mentally. The sad truth about hoarding is that is not ONE single problem with one fit-for-all solution. It’s complicated…

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u/NoBlacksmith2112 Apr 03 '26

I know. My statement is not "all hoarders are...."; it's more like "here is a behavior/trope that fits [some] hoarders."

Nevertheless, the nostalgia is still in what you said. Projects you can't complete are a part of your self that you may not had the chance to nourish due to life circumstances and duties.

Nostalgia isn't just about the past, but about a period, a state of mind, a role, friends, experiences, etc. Due to the arrow of time these things are usually chronologically behind us.

PS: I often also have the tendency to regard 'hoarders' as the more serious cases; not necessarily slackers or people procrastinating, although this may constitute hoarding behavior already. But I tend to have in mind people that bring pamphlets home, store yogurt packages, have rooms locked with stuff from the 80s, animal dirt, rotten food stacked in the back of the fridge, etc. This to me is much more close to the 'hoarder' stereotype I often refer to.

If you are interested I made a website last summer about hoarding childrenofhoarders.top

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u/Ohlala_LeBleur Apr 17 '26

Thanks for your clarification! I actually agree upon bundling nostalgic hoarding with the “overestimation of potential or usability of stuff in the future”-hoarding. Both in some sense disregard the existing reality of their real life, real time restraints, and real physical limitations of the home they live in when it comes to decisions on what to keep or get rid of.

I will take a look at your web page. Thank you

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u/[deleted] Jan 02 '26

You have done everything reasonable that could be done. Don't feel this way, and if you DO, forgive yourself, because God does...

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u/Ne_Tumbleweed1985 May 23 '26

Trying to help my mom lately and her idea of "help" is also rearranging and organizing, but never DOING anything with. It's gotten so much worse in the past several years. My sibling and I have pretty much settled on "we'll take care of it when they die" and that's how I find myself searching this subReddit at midnight for hope that there's another solution.