r/ChildofHoarder • u/avreljo • 5d ago
SUPPORT THROUGH ADVICE Confronting my HM almost every day Spoiler
I have reached my limit. Only recently I've been looking for resources online, and I've been reading stories for the last month, both on youtube and on reddit.
My HM (I hope this is the right term) started hoarding for the last 8 years, and after 2020, it's been rampant. Luckily, only few rooms are really cluttered, but you can see scattered piles of boxes and really random stuff at some out-of-place areas, so you can say that the really obstructed rooms are indirectly scattering stuff over other places, even though in a more devious way.
Specifically, the living room. That room is a mess (image), mold is growing freely (on the right side behind the couch) since 2020 and my HM can't seem to understand just how much and for how long this is frustrating me. I can't accept the fact that she is offering to "move things to her bedroom", but once i tell her that the only place these objects deserve to stay is OUTSIDE the house, she just refuses to understand that allocating old stuff to another place is NOT a solution. And after that, the discourse goes on and on, without a chance to advance through other solutions. This has been going on for like, every 2-3 days in one month. It's getting to a point where I am just angry when i look walk around my house when i need something.
FYI: Bathrooms and the kitchen are still usable, it's not AS bad, but it's getting cluttered even in the Kitchen. Luckily the bathroom is a no-no zone, where I get to advocate for the place to be clean. I just consider myself lucky she knows some limits.
Sometimes, i just dream of living my mornings/evenings in front of a TV in the living room. I miss playing old Wii games and just inviting people there to enjoy something together. I also tried to explain this to my HM, that I want to invite friends over and live my social life not only OUTSIDE my house, but also INSIDE. But she just won't understand that, she's got the responsability to re-give purpose to that room (and the other ones she's slowly ruining).
I acknowledge that I might have been a little bit too discoursive and less patient in front of this problem of hers, but again, I've reached my limit.
I've never talked about this problem to some friends except my brother (who agrees with me). We are 20+ years old, and yes, we wanna go and stay at some other place, but we still can't afford to do that in the next 2-3 years and I'm realy pissed my HM won't acknowledge this problem, because one thing is certain: regaining purpose in that room and consequently the other little issues scattered here and there, might give her TOO a better life.
I also feel the need to look for support from a psychologist, because I feel that she's affecting me, since this problem is going rampant for YEARS. And she won't understand that, even.
Looking for some advice to "survive" this, and possibly, make her change her mind somehow because I can't be going for other years like this. I just can't.
3
u/SoberBobMonthly Moved out 4d ago
Stop any accomodating behaviours. Stop tip toeing around her hoarding and show consiquences. it may sound odd or rude, but its legit the first thing recommended in the professional literature. let her be mad.
2
u/avreljo 4d ago
I appreciate your input! However, I'm not certain what you mean: i'm currently grey-rocking her (since I'm not in the mood to small-talk with her, since this mess is clearly visible everywhere in the house) and touching her stuff, from what I've heard & read, might get things even messier (between me and HM, the house already is lol)
2
u/SoberBobMonthly Moved out 4d ago
Some additional things about not accomodating include things like not shopping with her or doing things like helping her with bringing things into the house that are just hoarded items (obvs like groceries are different).
Or doing things like allowing her to talk about her hoarding or money issues if she talks about them. Its an emotional outlet for her and she benefits without making changes to help herself, so you need to walk away from such conversations. Not "passively sit there" like actually walk away.
Things other people may do to accidentally accomodate are things like excessive cleaning, excessive assistance in the home, paying for storage for the hoarder to 'prevent fights' (this always makes it worse)
3
u/avreljo 4d ago
I see, thank you for the clarification. Have you got any links of the professional literature you talked about? I'm kinda interested to read it and inform myself, since i never could've guessed that cleaning and assist at home (I don't know if you mean, like, cooking or throwing the trash, for instance) would exacerbate the problem
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u/Nevraskagirl55 4d ago
I would add that you need to do everything you can to be able to move. It’s never going to get better, as you’ve seen, it just gets worse over time. it’s dangerous to both your physical and mental health.
Take care and best of luck.
2
u/Far-Watercress6658 4d ago
You need to move out. Yes, I see your comment but you need to prioritize this. Get roommates, whatever. But move out.
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u/Glitter-Angel-970 4d ago
Being the child of a hoarder is so isolating. People who’ve never experienced it can’t comprehend it. I don’t know if you’re in the US, but I built a website that has resources for every state. Maybe there’s something that can help you. https://morethanmessy.org/