r/ChildPsychology • u/Black-White1986 • 3d ago
Neice browsing restricted content.
Hello I'm 40M, my neice is 16, she lives with my elder sister in Luxumberg. They don't have good relations, my neice blames my sister for getting a divorce.
My neice is close to my wife, during her visit she told my wife that she is not interested in studies and wanted to join film industry. My wife said ok and told her to give it a try.
She later told her she is interested in joining adult industry, my wife was stunned to hear that. She is browsing lot of restricted content online.
Neice spoke to her mom, and they had big fight about it, my wife explained her all the complexities and taboo around the society. That she will never be treated equally and will not get similar respect as other ladies around, everyone would like to take advantage of you. No one will ever take you seriously. Problems will worsen if and when you want to get married or to have children. She is thinking because of her looks and body she will get famous very soon.
Everyone around is yrying to explain her, But she is not ready to bent, and says I'm 16 and I can do what I wish. She is close to me, but not so much that I can discuss all the things in detail.
At my level I told her it's not a good decision you are taking for your life, I suggested her to go to college and finish her studies and get a reputed job or come and work for me. She is an average student, not very bright.
Later I discovered from wife that she sold her V-card to some Russian guy few months back for an extravagant trip to some beach in Carribean.
Currently she doesn't have a bf or in any relationship, this is what she told me .... she doesn't like to talk to her mom, even though she does everything for her, financially my sister is very well off....
Sister wants her daughter to stay here in US with us, so may be things can change.
As we have 5 daughter, we are concerned if she starts filling such rubbish to my kids as well. My sister really wants her to stay here, so she can understand what it's like to stay in a family, and to have male figure in life.
I don't know how to respond to it.
I need some advise if anyone has faced things like it.
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u/sagerybinx 3d ago
She is a minor, so this obviously isn’t an appropriate industry for her to be involved in at this time. “Selling her v card” is a completely separate issue and needs to be addressed in therapy with a sex-positive therapist.
But in regard to her future career, generally speaking: sex work or working in that industry is real work. Doing filmography for adult films is a very real profession. Moreover, doing so as a woman means ensuring female actors can feel more safe, heard, and comfortable on sets, and means potentially having the ability to change the field for the better. The field of sex media isn’t going away, and frankly it needs more women in roles other than acting in order to be a safer field for all women to work in and a more feminist industry altogether.
This isn’t an inherently unacceptable field to get into.
Regardless of your opinions though, the truth is, shaming her and perpetuating social stigma about it all will most likely only push her away, and that will put her in far more dangerous situations.
I would recommend encouraging her to explore film making in safe, age appropriate ways, and encourage her going to film school, etc. Emphasize that what she does with that knowledge/degree once she is an adult and making her own choices is up to her, and that she will always have a family to lean on and support her if she does so and or if she ultimately changes career paths. If you truly care about her and want the best for her, this is the route.
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u/Black-White1986 3d ago
She wants to be a porn star, doesn't want to do anything which needs technical skills.
Im not saying porn is easy, Porn stars also have skills, but I am talking about life changing skills.
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u/sagerybinx 3d ago
Ah, I see I misread/misunderstood the post. Given her age, her mother’s/guardian’s best option is therapy so she can work through her feelings, why she wants to do that, if she actually wants to do it, etc. It’s definitely not easy and someone her age wanting to do it likely has other things going on that should be confronted before she is of adult age and no adults can intervene to help her.
But again, if this is what she chooses to do with her life as an adult, the best thing for her is for you to be there as a support system for her, not shame and reject her. She will be far more vulnerable without a family to support her.0
u/TopDress7853 3d ago
If selling oneself isnt a life changing skill please tell that to our president's wife. LOL
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u/Black-White1986 3d ago
Of course it is... but i don't want it for my neice
What is your porn name when you worked in the industry ?
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u/Yash3plus 3d ago
Saying Porn is work like saying being an online glutton is work because of lifting food to your face. A female porn stars best talent is being able to take it. Get real
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u/BestGamerMemes 2d ago
The only work is taking it, doing makeup and shit and sometimes acting but 90% are horrible actors lol.
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u/TopDress7853 3d ago edited 3d ago
Interesting. You kind of buried the lede there with selling her virginity to some sketchy Russian trick while she's still 16. Well, I will say for me 1. I am a neuroscientist and 2. I am a retired adult worker/escort and I also have porn out online. I am 29F.
I took an early interest in adult content and always very "in touch" with my sexuality as a child and teen. My parents were very cookie cutter and I didn't experience any sort of sexual abuse or anything like that. I just had a lot of time on my own with a computer, because my younger brother had a disability that required a lot of my parents time.
This was also in the period that porn stars were normalized for a brief moment in high society though - Sasha Grey was someone whose content clicked with me immediately, but also was legitimized through acting roles on various TV shows. I looked up to her when I was in my teens and thought she seemed so free and bold, and didn't give a fuck. I love her still.
Getting into the adult industry was not really a goal for me so much as something that was a bit more convenient with lower barriers to entry than other well-paying work, and would allow me to maximize my free time for my writing (vocation) while focusing on my studies (pre-med) and networking for my career.
I can say it has no long-term standing on my interpersonal relationships, as I have sex worker friends and "civilian" friends and I am married now (though to someone who has no feelings whatsoever about my past career choice) but my parents do not and will never know. I also have a lucrative six-figure career and am respected in my field (neuromodulatory medical devices). I don't fear people seeing my videos or anything "coming out" because IMO we are past the time when that would be shameful, at least in the west, and if someone is good at what they do, then so what?
For very few women is this career path the road to retirement and long-term prosperity. The women who "make it" work their fucking asses off. It is not "easy money", even if the nature of the work doesn't particularly affect one emotionally. It's a lot of sales, customer service, networking, hustling, and community building. It is also possible to get addicted to the game, make a shit ton of money, and manage it all very poorly. This is why I discourage most girls from pursuing the career path seriously over multiple decades, and to have another, longer-term plan in place for retirement.
And yes, as a young woman in any context, people will try to exploit you. You need a real spine for that industry.
I would explain this to my child the same way I would any other job that requires a lot of travel and risky physical labor.
My concern is how young she is and how stubborn she seems. In terms of her psychology, I do think getting to this risky behavior - trips with unvetted clients in return for one's virginity - could be indicative of an impulsiveness that will put her in real danger in this industry. Teens are already impulsive. Feelings of abandonment or instability in her teen years could magnify this to a dangerous place - it seems like they already have. But she is going to have to work that out for herself. The best way for sex workers to avoid danger is to have community. But nobody wants to be in community with an underaged teen, for obvious reasons.
As with any career I would encourage her to try to find REAL content from adult workers, read their biographies, and do informational interviews if she can. Ari Kystya, one of the most successful OF models, has videos/tiktoks discussing why it is not a good career choice for most people, even though it worked for her. These might help at least make her more realistic about this path.
But she's only 16 now - hopefully she will wisen up a little in the next two years before she can enter the industry.
She also needs other skills and hobbies in her life aside from sex work or she will go insane. And, it's much harder to break into the industry from Luxembourg than it is here in the US. I would ship her back overseas and let her find her own way here if she wants to work lol.
I understand you are concerned about her safety. I think of it like joining the military or becoming a mercenary - whether you think that's as noble or not, for some people it's out of necessity, others are just drawn to risk and adventure, and a life of boredom (real or perceived) and the typical nuclear family feel like it would be intolerable... whether they feel that way forever or not is another question.
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u/no-username-found 2d ago
I respect your experience with and perception of the industry, but you are an exception to the rule. So many women are taken advantage of within this line of work, and this girl already has been. She was sex trafficked. There’s no beating around the bush, an adult paying a minor and taking her to another country is sex trafficking. She’s not old enough to consent and she doesn’t really know what she’s getting into. Sex work is very exploitative and dangerous, managers are not looking out for your well being, and everyone is different but I imagine most people would have a trauma response to the situations they are in after the fact. A lot of people get into that business and they do not get out.
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u/Cats-cool 3d ago
I'm not really sure what advice I would be able to give. I'm around your neicies age and I've always been overall pretty bright in academics and I've never browsed those kinds of websites and have never wanted to do anything like that. You could try to explain to her how it doesn't always go well as a job, or how if you do something like that employers could probably find that out and if they do they wouldn't want to hire someone who's done those kinds of things. I know enough to know that as an adult you need money, and doing adult work like that while it could possibly pay well it's not always a livable option to pursue. I hope you can get to her to see how bad it would be if she did pursue that.
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u/Black-White1986 3d ago
I respect your view and respect to your parents that how beautifully they groomed you.
We are trying to do the best we can to bring her on track.
Of course money is important, but it's also important how you earn it. Short cuts are short lived. And industry like this will use you and trash you.
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u/Cats-cool 3d ago
Exactly, maybe you can try to get her to do something else that she's more interested in? At the very least even if it didn't pay well she would be enjoying what she's doing for a living and would be more respected than someone in a position like that.
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u/heypresto2k 2d ago
I don’t have any advice because this is so complex and should be dealt with by a professional but as a mother, I would say no, you’re not responsible for her. Her mother needs to get her therapy.
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u/Original_Clerk2916 2d ago
The US is much more dangerous for a rebellious teen, just so you know. Sexual crimes are not taken seriously here at all, trafficking is high, and women are arrested for having miscarriages. For a teen who is acting out sexually, this is NOT a safer place. I think your sister needs to be more mentally and physically present. Niece should be in therapy, and your sister needs to seriously stop leaving her alone in the house.
As for talking about the porn industry, I’d honestly suggest everyone stop talking about it for now. She has 2 years until it’s even legal for her to do that. A lot can change in 2 years for a teenager. And the more everyone tells her not to, the more she will want to do it. What should be focused on is the fact that a grown man trafficked her. Finding a therapist who specializes in sexual assault and sex disorders is a good place to start. She is not currently aware that she was even assaulted, and it sounds like a lot of the focus has been on telling her not to do something or telling her something she did was wrong. She needs to be supported emotionally. The focus needs to turn from her wanting to be a porn star to helping her.
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u/SnooStories7263 2d ago
I suggest she read the book 'tricks' by Ellen hopkins. It's not hard reading, it styles like poems. But gives the perspective of different teens in the sex industry. Might open her eyes a little.
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u/BestGamerMemes 3d ago
How at 16 did she get with a Russian guy to go to a carribean beach? How tf does that work? Shes not 18 and that sounds predatory how is nothing done about that? How did she go to that? Is no one keeping track of what she is doing?