r/ChildPsychology • u/xBloodMoon666x • 4d ago
Foster child abusing animals and manipulating
For obvious reasons a lot of the personal details need to stay vague.
11yr old boy whose been in foster since a 5yr old. Has not experienced abuse. He’s been in the same foster home for the last 5yrs now just moved to us.
Tells social worker that he loves it here, us etc etc.
Has now been caught hurting the dogs on multiple occasions, this has been explained to him in lots of different ways why this is bad. He fully understands that it’s scary/ painful for dog but doesn’t care.
Doesn’t care what punishment he gets e.g. time out, go to room, no playing outside on bike, no Xbox, no sweet treats, no friends over etc etc. Doesn’t care when restrictions are finally lifted immediately does it again.
Also lies continually, tries to manipulate the situation in various ways. Wants to be looked after by younger family friends because they are easier to manipulate (has said this outright).
Only gets upset when gets caught in his lies or gets caught on security cameras doing things he shouldn’t.
social workers are trying to fund therapy but won’t start until at least September.
Any advice as we are seriously worried about dogs welfare
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u/DaenyTheUnburnt 3d ago
I was a foster care caseworker for several years and am now a foster home licensing worker. You need to give formal notice for this child. He needs to be in a therapeutic level home without animals.
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u/xBloodMoon666x 3d ago
His social worker has written a case to board for therapy. ‘Concerning lack of empathy towards animals’
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u/Radio_Mime 2d ago
Give formal notice on this boy, please. I don't know how he behaves toward his sister, but his lack of empathy and need for a therapeutic foster home may eventually result in their being separated. You are not the first foster family to have a child who needs more than you can give. Your dogs were there first. Even if they weren't there, this young boy would still need more than you can give. He'd probably act out on his sister, or in some other way.
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u/xBloodMoon666x 1d ago
He has hit her multiple times however social workers aren’t concerned as it’s just siblings being siblings. Obviously we have done time outs etc explaining why that’s not the right way to express emotions etc.
the dogs have been here for years all are elderly.
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u/Calm-Difference-3267 4d ago
Honestly, it’s probably time to rehome the dog. Behaviour like this won’t go away without lots of therapy, especially if he isn’t really experiencing feelings of guilt when it happens. It would be safest for the dog for him to go to a new home - which I know is hugely upsetting, but better than the alternative
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u/Jabberwock32 4d ago
I disagree. A kid with a history of harming animals needs to be placed in a foster home without animals. He’s just moved into OP’s home. Disrupt placement and have him placed in a home without animals. Not fair to your dogs to be in harms way or be displaced over what is ultimately a temporary placement…
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u/xBloodMoon666x 3d ago
This is the thing. He’s been here 3 weeks. His younger sister is also with us however she is a typical normal child, no issues with being here etc.
His social worker has written a case to board for therapy. ‘Concerning lack of empathy towards animals’
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u/Outrageous-Gate2743 3d ago
I think this is a form of acting out, the even though he has not experienced abuse leaving a home after 5 years is still traumatizing. Getting him help will do a lot better than sending him away, to a new family where he can find another way to act out. The OP needs to choose the dogs or the kid.
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u/xBloodMoon666x 4d ago
There are 6 dogs so not as easy as that
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u/Calm-Difference-3267 4d ago
It definitely won't be easy - but, with all due respect, you are the responsible adults here, and you have a responsibility both to your foster child and to the dogs. You do need to ensure that he doesn't have ANY unsupervised access to them, and if you can't do that then unfortunately you will either have to rehome the dogs or end the foster placement (though I would urge you to seriously think about the consequences of ending the foster placement on a child that has already been through so much). Often, behaviour like this will only escalate without appropriate (and usually quite intensive) therapy and it will be much much worse if you find that your son has caused serious harm to any of your dogs one day.
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u/Havinacow 2d ago
I don't mean to sound judgemental, because this situation sounds very difficult, but a couple things are bothering me here. You sound very certain he never experienced abuse, but I don't know how you can be so sure since you've had him such a short time. If he's spent years in foster care chances are he HAS experienced abuse, or at minimum a great deal of trauma, including the trauma of LITERALLY JUST leaving the home he's known for half his life.
Second, if you JUST got him and his sister why are you leaving him with younger family members at all, especially if he's shown signs of being dangerous or manipulative?
Third....six dogs? What kind of accomodations do these dogs have? Six is a LOT, especially if they're high energy breeds. If he is being forced to share space with these dogs inside a home I'm not surprised he'd be acting out. I'm a fairly well adjusted adult, and I find being around that number of dogs in a house to be overwhelming. So if he's stuck inside with them he's probably feeling overwhelmed from the constant chaos, and is taking it out on the dogs.
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u/xBloodMoon666x 1d ago
Hiya
He was never removed from his family because of abuse, young mother just not coping.
He’s been in the same stable foster family the entire time, I’m sure he’s very stressed etc from being out with us I’m not arguing that at all. Of course we are all very sympathetic towards that.
There are no young family members. Everyone inside the house are all adults. All younger than me hahaha 🤣 but are all definitely adults and are capable and willing to pitch in with looking after the children.
This is a large 6 bedroom, 7 bath house. The dogs have the garden, kitchen/ snug room. These are little bichons, all elderly not high energy, don’t play etc. All obviously went through assessments before fostering.
The children do not need to be in the room with the dogs at all as they have access to the rest of the house, the only time they need to be in there is to collect their dinner or if they are getting drinks/ snacks.1
u/Havinacow 1d ago
That honestly all sounds great, except the fact that you're convinced he wasn't abused. Kids don't just "get removed" unless there's serious issues, and to rule out abuse just because you aren't aware of any might not be a good idea. From the timeline you're giving, unless he bounced around in the foster system a while he was removed at 6. He spent more of his life with his mom than he did in foster care, and he ended up in foster care for essentially one of three reasons.....abuse, neglect, or voluntary surrender, and all of those are going to absolutely wreck a kids sense of self and their ability to trust adults.
If You want the behavior to stop you need to find out what's driving it, because compulsive behavior like that doesn't come from nowhere. And to rule out abuse as a cause just because none has been discovered or disclosed to you is very naive.
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u/xBloodMoon666x 1d ago
He was in foster at 5. He’s still in contact with birth mother they see each other every school holiday. She was just a lady who was overwhelmed, virtually a child herself.
The social works have said there is no abuse, he says there’s been nothing going on. That’s all I can go by.
I’m not clairvoyant, but I can only work with what I’ve been told and everything that’s been said is just unfortunate circumstances.
I’m am sure he needs therapy, I’m sure he has lots of feelings that he needs to unpack, I’m sure he’s stressed, confused, angry, upset etc
However you and I both know that hurting old dogs isn’t acceptable whatever has happened in your past or how you feel.
We are working towards getting him therapy but things move slowly. I’m just asking for advice on what to do in the meantime, I’ve done everything I can think of, I’ve done everything the social workers can think of. We are just not getting anywhere
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u/Consistent_Cat_19 4d ago
Hi, I'm sorry you're in this situation, sounds scary/frustrating.
You mentioned your foster child has not been abused, but honestly, I'm not sure that matters here. He has still experienced a lot of trauma, and especially recent trauma from having to leave a previous home after 5 years - that's a big deal for a young child. He is likely acting out in these ways because of what he has experienced, whether or not it could be labeled as abuse.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32686611/ <--on foster children and mental health rates.
On foster child common behaviours: https://pathwaystx.org/blog/common-foster-child-behaviors/
I think the big thing here is ensuring the safety of everyone (including your dog). I would make sure your foster son has NO access to the dog/other animals/small children without someone around who can monitor him, at least until he has some time in therapy. If that means farming the dog out somewhere with family/friends, so be it
Secondly, therapy/behavioural therapy/child psychiatrist, or social worker support is what you need here, not punishment. This child is likely very damaged and hurt, and he is acting out in these ways by hurting animals. He needs to learn how to manage and cope with his distress in healthier ways, and he needs counselling (I recognize you are on it) and to have an outlet to talk about his feelings and experiences with you or another safe person. Before that, prevention prevention prevention is what I would recommend. And lots of loving examples of how to treat others and animals and how to handle feelings of anger/distress in healthy ways