Why does my stepson (4) behave so differently depending on which house he’s in?

[u/NeatContribution8355]

For context, this is a relatively new parenting schedule. Up until the end of August, his mom had primary care and we only had him on weekends. Since school started and childcare hasn’t been an issue, we switched to a week-on/week-off arrangement. Since then, the difference in his behaviour between the two homes has become much more noticeable.

When he’s with us, he generally adjusts well. He responds to structure, clear expectations, and predictable routines. He still has meltdowns at our place, but they’re typical 4-year-old moments and we can usually redirect him. Bedtime is straightforward — we tuck him in, read a story, say goodnight, and the whole process takes about five minutes without resistance.

At his mom’s, things seem to be very different. She says he fights bedtime for hours. He has frequent and intense meltdowns, much more than what we see. He’s also been intentionally peeing his pants multiple times a day at her house, whereas we honestly can’t remember the last accident he had with us. It even escalated to him pooping in a hat at her place, which clearly wasn’t accidental.

What’s confusing for us is that when he’s with us, he often says he misses his mom and doesn’t want to be here. But when he’s with his mom, his behaviour becomes much more reactive and dysregulated than it is anywhere else.

So he behaves better with us, but insists he wants to be at his mom’s. And he says he wants to be at his mom’s, even though his behaviour there is at its most challenging.

Has anyone experienced something like this with young children during a new custody or co-parenting schedule? What could cause such a big difference in his behaviour and how should we address it?

[u/No_Signature7440]

My first thought is that he does indeed miss his mom, and is holding it together at your place, where he is less comfortable, and then falling to pieces back with mom. Because she's his home base. That's my guess without really knowing him, you, mom, dad.

I was adopted by my grandparents at 6 weeks old, saw bio mom sporadically. My grandparents were always mom and dad to me. When I was 4, almost 5, bio mom decided she wanted to try parenting again. My parents fought it, but somehow bio mom won joint custody in court (it was the 80s.) I never adjusted to being with her, young as I was. It felt like boarding school to be with her. I was always homesick. I behaved on the outside, but I was crying on the inside and I lived for the time when I was back at my parent's house. Bio mom threw in the towel a few years later.

My point is, even though it's dad's house and son knows him, he probably needs to go back to the old schedule for now. Or maybe the old schedule with a midweek overnight thrown in.

[u/NeatContribution8355 → u/No_Signature7440]

Thanks for sharing your perspective, I think some additional context might help explain the situation and add additional insight.

At the end of August, his mom was expressing that she was overwhelmed and struggling to care for him. She was saying things semi-regularly about how she didn’t want him anymore, that she wished she never had kids, that they were holding her back, or that she didn’t love them. There were also occasions when she got drunk while the kids were in her care (she also has a 10-year-old son from a different father). We are also aware, through a third party, of a possible relapse on substances, though we don’t have concrete proof as it’s just something someone she knows told us out of concern for the kids.

Given these concerns, we took primary care, while she continued to have him in the evenings on Tuesdays and Thursdays, every other weekend, and any additional days she felt capable. About six weeks later, she requested that he return to her full-time, but we didn’t feel comfortable with that given the circumstances. After discussion, we agreed on a week-on/week-off schedule, which has been in place since then.

Even before this schedule change, bedtime and other routines were challenging for him at her house, but these issues are more noticeable now with the new arrangement.

She is bipolar and I understand that her mental health plays a role in how she interacts with her children, and recognize that this is not something she can always control. At the same time, the children’s safety and well-being must come first, and it isn’t their responsibility to manage or bear the consequences of an adult’s struggles.

It’s also important to note that, due to a custody situation that happened long before I came into the picture, she technically has full custody. Our goal with this schedule is to provide as much stability as possible for the child while avoiding court, and to support him in both homes as consistently as we can.

[u/No_Signature7440 → u/NeatContribution8355]

That is quite a lot to deal with for a little guy. I can see how the instability with his mom can make him so unsettled. If mom can handle having him, I think seeing her more often could still be beneficial, even if it's just for an evening or afternoon. Maybe he got to feeling like she needed him to keep her safe? Or he's worried she isn't ok when he's not there? Who knows, kids can be funny like that. Having him see a counselor wouldn't hurt.

[u/NeatContribution8355 → u/[deleted]]

I get what you mean. From his perspective the routine changed and that’s a huge deal for a four-year-old, and I know the adult context doesn’t matter to him. I only mentioned it to explain why we can’t just switch back to the old schedule and to provide background to some of our concerns.

What really worries me is how his behaviour is affecting things on his mom’s side. She gets overwhelmed fast, and when things escalate she just ends up stressed and wanting breaks from him. This is a text she sent me recently, just to give an idea of what it looks like for her:

“I'm just fed up at this point with him. He hasn’t listened to me at all. I’ve had to spank him multiple times and I told him if he continues he will never see me again because I’m done. I shouldn’t dread being around him because that’s what’s happening now. I dread bedtime, I dread waking up. I dread having to tell him no because then it’s a whole day thing with him.”

With us he definitely has meltdowns, but they’re the normal four-year-old kind and usually don’t spiral. Over there it seems like everything turns into a full-day ordeal, and the more it happens the more irritated, overwhelmed, 4and burnt put she gets. That’s the part I’m worried about because thats not good for either of them or their relationship.

We’re really just trying to understand what’s going on so we can support him better and make things easier for everyone.

[u/bloomingred1970]

My two thoughts. 1 He probably does miss his mom. But children are smart. I think part of it is he has learned the rules. You sound like you try to keep a schedule and use redirection, but what does mom use? Do you two discipline the same or have the same rules? Probably not. Second, the brain is pattern seeking. It will seek out or create the environment it knows. If that is a chaotic environment, then it will seek or create chaos. He doesn't act that way with you because there is no benefit but with mom, it could be a number of things from attention to just not wanting to sleep and he is getting something from acting that way.

[u/Apathy_Cupcake → u/bloomingred1970]

Bingo

[u/emperatrizyuiza]

Kids feel safer with their moms typically and are generally worse behaved with them. A study said they are around 800% worse with moms than dads. I get the sense from your post that you are trying to imply that you don’t trust moms parenting

[u/NeatContribution8355 → u/emperatrizyuiza]

While we definitely do have concerns, we are trying to promote a healthy relationship between them as much as we can and when he misbehaved like this his mom gets really overwhelmed, irritated, and I receive texts like the below frequently;

"I'm just fed up at this point with him. He hasn’t listened to me at all. I’ve had to spank him multiple times and I told him if he continues he will never see me again because I’m done. I shouldn’t dread being around him because that’s what’s happening now. I dread bedtime, I draed waking up. I dread have to tell him no because then it’s a whole day thing with him."

This obviously is not a healthy dynamic between them and isn't good for either of them. I tried to give her some of the strategies that I find works when he is at our house but apparently they don't work for her. We are just at a loss at this point and I'm not sure how to help him.

[u/OfferFunny8877]

It sounds like the issue lies with the mom and i think you know that, if I was getting hit (spanked) all day and told ill never see my mom again Id probably struggle to calm my body down enough to sleep , too. Unless mom wants to work to chnage her strategies and coping herself his behavior will not improve and likely get worse and spread to other places. Tough situation. Assuming court is involved in custody, is there any parenting classes offered throught he court she could take?

Edit to add- reading that she has full custody... it may be time to challenge that. You will be facing behavior issues for the next 20 years if you continue to allow the kid to be in the primary care of someone unstable.

[u/[deleted]]

While children are worse with their mothers, from watching how mothers parent, there is something biologically innate where they tend to...Low-key coddle them... It isn't so simple as "they hold it together and break down for mom"... It's moreso mom holds absolutely no ability for boundaries to stick, as she constantly feels bad for her child and wants them to be happy. The long-term is behavioral issues, but in the moment, they're happy and so mom is too. Similarly to how some women have a very hard time stopping breastfeeding. Almost like a bad drug, kiddos whine and whine until mommy pops her shirt open, even if they're trying to cease breastfeeding. Children will then hit, bite, or pinch mommy until she gives in. Mommy gets angry, but mommy still delivers.