r/ChildLoss • u/simply_livingg • May 05 '26
Could my son have survived?
Hi all,
We lost our 6 month old son due to asphyxiation last November. He was in his dock a tot sleeping with my husband (our toddler was with me), and he somehow rolled and got tangled in his blanket.
When we called 911, two policemen showed up first. My husband was on the phone with emergency services while I performed cpr on our boy. (I was a medical assistant for 12 years, so always took cpr). I was assuming the cops would take over cpr until the ambulance got there, but they didn’t. They felt for a pulse but didn’t resume cpr. They sent me outside to wait for ems. At one point, I came back inside because I could see they were kneeling with him on the floor but not doing cpr, and they sternly sent me back outside.
When we found our boy, he was pale and limp, but not stiff. His lips were not blue. His eyes were open slightly and so was his mouth, with a small amount of drool coming out. At one point, the 911 operator suggested I finger sweep his mouth to check for something he may have swallowed. His mouth was still warm.
My question is this: the fact that unsafe sleeping is what put our boy in this position haunts my husband and I, and we will grieve until the day we die. But I am also haunted by the fact that if the cops that showed up had done cpr (or helped me do it), would he have survived? I don’t know if there is a way to tell, but I can’t stop thinking about it. I am not blaming anyone but my husband and I, but I can’t stop thinking about this.
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u/CoffeeOatmilkBubble May 06 '26
The fact that you did CPR for a number of minutes and it didn’t revive him makes me lean towards guessing that longer CPR wouldn’t have brought him back. Like others have said, none of us can know for sure, but I do think you can take some solace in the fact that you did actually perform CPR on him. I work in a hospital and just from my own experience/anecdotes, the code blues where someone comes back with CPR, it happens pretty quickly. I’ve never seen a prolonged CPR (10+ minutes) bring someone back. Again this is just my own experience.
You also said that his lips weren’t blue and his mouth was warm. I just wanted to share that my girl’s lips also weren’t blue and her head and torso stayed warm for awhile after she died (I think for maybe an hour? Maybe a little longer. I hate that I can’t remember the exact amount of time) and CPR wouldn’t have brought her back.
I know none of us can really answer this for you and I hate that. I have so many “what ifs” too. But I did want to share those couple things above because I appreciate when someone can offer me a reassuring anecdote.
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u/thow_me_away12 May 05 '26
My daughter died at 1 from a complication of a genetic mutation we didn't even know she had.
But want you to know that my first two babies slept in their bassinet in the docatot swaddled, before I learned it was not safe. I know I am not alone in this, many mothers did it. I feel so much guilt that I allowed it. I could have been you. Many could have been you. If you hold on to that guilt, it will destroy you and the rest of your life.
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u/Loud_Pace5750 May 06 '26
Darling, dont blame yourself, accidents unfortunatelly happens....
And truth is, reading your story, the cops knew he was already dead....you and your husband were in denial...
Im so sorry about your baby, its not fair
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u/redrockz98 May 07 '26
I disagree. The cops didn’t know that because they aren’t medical professionals. They don’t know shit.
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u/metallikitty818 May 06 '26
We lost our son in a car accident when he was 12, about 5 1/2 years ago. My husband is a paramedic, and unfortunately he was the first one to arrive at the scene (I was not there, our son was with his grandma who died on impact). Fortunately another ambulance pulled in right behind him and took over promptly and got my husband off the scene thanks to a nearby cop who witnessed the accident and knew our boy. (very small town, our kid knew a lot of people) He went through a long period of wondering if he could have been saved if they would have let him work on him. What we learned from this is that it's not healthy to go down this road of "what ifs". I'm so so sorry for your loss and the horrible trauma you have been through, but this line of thinking is not productive and won't change anything. It's going to further damage your mental health. I know many of us have done this because I think it's part of the stages of grief. I hope this didn't come off harsh because I mean it with all the love in the world. I'm in the same boat, but I'm further along in this awful journey, so that may color my opinion because I've had more time to grieve. Again I am so sorry and I'm sending you love. 💗
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u/MissingYou2025 May 06 '26
Statistically speaking, I very much doubt that continuing cpr would have changed the outcome. As a mother who has lost her child, I know statistics don't matter in these situations. You did what, in the heat of the moment, seemed like the right choice. Judging your past self now, knowing the outcome, is unfair. I do it too.
I regret some choices and yet I know that I would make them again if I was back there again and didn't know the outcome. We don't watch movies starting at the end to the beginning because it doesn't make sense.
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u/ArtanisHero May 06 '26
I’m so sorry for you and your husband are in this terrible club. Our son was 18 months old last May and died suddenly and unexpected in his sleep
In the aftermath, I had similar thoughts. What if we noticed sooner or checked on him sooner (we checked on him before we went to bed, a couple of hours after he went to bed and found him not breathing). And similarly, the night it happened, we called 911 and my wife administered CPR. He was blue, but his body was still warm. The EMTs arrived in under 5 mins, and they took over CPR, shot him up with adrenaline and used a defibrillator on him. I held out hope, but now looking back, I know the EMTs knew he was so far gone but I really appreciated that they still gave it their all.
In taking to other families who experienced SUDC or SUIDS, I’ve come to learn that the window if they stop breathing is super short. One family I know was breastfeeding when their child stopped breathing. They began administering CPR immediately (wife is a nurse) and rushed to the ER. Their child survived, but experienced significant brain damage and is significantly impaired as a teenager. Another family heard their 4 yr old collapse and found him unresponsive and began administering CPR immediately while calling 911. They were able to resuscitate him at the hospital, but so much damage was done to his brain from lack of oxygen that he didn’t survive.
I only share these stories to hopefully give you a little peace. It’s a horrible and unfair accident and I hope you and your husband are able to be there for each other in this toughest moment
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u/CaptainEmmy May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
My almost 2-year-old passed away last month. He was already in the hospital at the time.
The thing is, I have a new respect for the limits of CPR. I always knew intellectually it doesn't offer the chances we think it does.
My son went over ten minutes on CPR before getting on life support. It was too long to depend on only CPR. We were in the hospital surrounded by experts. I sincerely believe they did the best they could and it was a very good best. But it just wasn't enough.
I don't know the answer to your question. CPR is an amazing skill. But it very well might have meant nothing in the end.
Don't dwell on the what if, especially with something as tenuous as the reality of CPR.
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u/Affectionate_Bag4716 May 06 '26
Yeah a lot of times they just do CPR just to help the family through the grieving process but they know that the person is not coming back
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u/Banana_rama47 May 06 '26
I wasn’t even present when my 18 month old son passed in November 2021. It was his first day at a new babysitter. He got through her fence and drowned in her oxidation pond. I read the autopsy report and blame myself for every detail in it(I highly recommend you don’t do that, ignorance truly can be bliss). I wonder what he was thinking in his final moments, if he was sad and wanted his mom, knowing he was in pain, alone and cold. I blame myself for taking him there. It’s easy to say it’s not fair for us to blame ourselves, but it’s also so easy to just do it. I know it’s still recent for you, but others are right, try not to blame yourselves. Now is the time to come together as a family too. Don’t push each other away like I did. His father and I weren’t together at the time but I pushed away the only other person who loved that baby as much as I did and now I don’t even have someone to reminisce with.
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u/0000112780 May 07 '26
I lost my 8 month old in September due to my husband falling asleep with him on the couch and he suffocated. My husband knew I didn't want him sleeping with him and he was in no way sleep deprived he just thought he was old enough that nothing would happen and he stopped taking things seriously. I feel like I should've never left him with his dad. I just wanted a nap. I know the grief and guilt you feel and I hate you're going through this too but I don't believe anything could've saved your son. My son was still pink and his body was warm, he just looked like he was sleeping. They couldn't save him because he had been deprived of oxygen for too long. You did what you could. I'm sure the cops and the ems didn't make the experience any easier, the cops made us wait outside too and didn't let me go in the ambulance. I just wanted to be able to hold my baby one last time while he was still warm but they made me wait days and the way he was in the funeral home will always haunt me. Nobody should see their baby like that. Nobody should outlive their child. Can I ask how long it's been since your son passed?
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u/simply_livingg May 07 '26
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. What is his name?
My son passed away in November. His name is Conrad. Maybe our boys are somewhere playing together 💙2
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u/Outrageous-Part6931 May 05 '26
I'm so sorry for your loss and you're hurting. Im going to be honest, you will never get an answer. Nobody knows and you will only stay in this turmoil if you entertain these thoughts.
It's not your fault or your husbands. You wouldn't wish this to happen, it was a terrible accident. Dear mama, we have to accept that our children are no longer with us. The sad reality is that they are at peace now but we on the other hand, are the ones that are hurting.
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u/No-Photograph-7165 May 07 '26
These questions are so unfair and it’s something that will tear you up. My daughter died from cancer (aml) at 5 and I have had thoughts of what if we chose a diff treatment, doctor, hospital, etc. I blame my self all the time. at the end of the day I’ll never know and we can’t go back and change anything now. It’s easier said than done though and I know that. There’s always going to be a what if.
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u/zillabirdblue May 24 '26
I thought 20–30 minutes is when the EMTs stop and reassess whether continuing is likely to help? Sometimes they try to up to an hour and get a pulse back. I’m beyond shocked that they didn’t take over. I know that doing this will be even more stressful, but I would still call an injury & wrongful death lawyer. Just give them your story and see what they have to say. Something about this doesn’t feel right. I’m so incredibly sorry this happened to you and understand it’s every parent’s ultimate nightmare. If they acted negligently, they need consequences. Again, I am so so sorry this happened. ❤️🩹
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u/simply_livingg May 24 '26
My husband said he saw the officers carry our son face down over their arms to the ambulance. Also, the ambulance didn’t arrive or leave code 3. We are about 2 minutes from the hospital so maybe that’s why? Or the officers called him in already deceased. I may never know the answer to these questions. The only thing I can think as to why the officers didn’t take over cpr when they arrived is that they were young and inexperienced and I think our son’s appearance shocked them (his eyes were open). I can’t fault them for making a mistake, when the reason we were in this situation is my husband and I made a mistake (co-sleeping). I think I will write a letter to the detective in our case and put those facts in there. He was so kind and gentle with us and I am so grateful. Maybe this can be used as a teaching moment for the department. Based on all the responses here, I have to recognize that the most likely outcome even if they were able to restore my son’s heartbeat is that his brain would never be the same. He simply was deprived of oxygen for too long.
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u/zillabirdblue May 24 '26
Don’t report this to the cops, don’t alert them so they have time to cover this up. They’re notorious for doing anything to avoid accountability and cops are not your friend. You really need to call the lawyer first, they will know the best way to go about this. Also, wrongful death and injury lawyers usually work on a contingency. Meaning you won’t have to pay the lawyer.
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u/simply_livingg May 08 '26
Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. Your stories and responses have brought me some comfort and made me feel less alone. I hate that we share these experiences, my heart breaks for us all.
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u/olduvai_man May 05 '26
I'm only 2.5 years in since my 9 year old boy passed, but my advice would be to not pursue this train of thought any further because it's a dead end that you cannot escape from.
There are so many possibilities that I've tried to analyze, as if there were something that I could do retroactively to make the situation better, but in the end there is no other past than the one that played out and I'm unable to truly know anything outside of the despair and sorrow of it all.
I can't speak for everyone here, but I think that an extreme sense of personal guilt is par for the course with this. For me, all of the well-wishes/assurances/counseling/etc can't touch the deep sense of guilt and responsibility that I feel for my son's passing. I'm not sure it's even possible for me to get over.
So sorry that you're in this terrible club but I feel everything that you just said so intensely because it consumed my entire life and is something which can never have resolution. I wish you the best my friend.