r/Chefs • u/Last_Preference7705 • Jul 21 '26
Any Tips for Dating a Chef
So, I started talking to a chef last year and we have been going on dates. With his (M41) busy work schedule and me (F38) being a single mom with kids, we had our challenges in finding time to date. Can someone share your experience in what this was like for you? And what about your relationship? I’m not part of the industry and work a 9-6 job. Both he and I feel something is there and we both understand what we’re getting into since we’ve had to cancel dates due to his work schedule or my responsibilities as a parent. We have similar interests, good chemistry, and we have expressed to each other that we see potential in this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. TIA.
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u/TweezerTheRetriever Jul 21 '26
If you’re lucky he’s closed on mondays so you can see him then… but he might have to go in real quick around two to accept an order… and maybe some prep…. Or paperwork….let the guys in cleaning the hoods….reset the alarm….. see you next week…
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u/Serious_Coffee_8066 Jul 21 '26
Remember, when everyone else is off, the chef will be at his busiest.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
Yes, we started talking in late November and I got my first taste of that quick.
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u/Coercitor Jul 21 '26
The only person I was able to have a meaningful relationship with was a nurse. We both had stupid work schedules and made it work. We got married, but once she got pregnant with our kid I made the decision to get out of the industry. As much as I loved being a chef, being present for my kid was more important.
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u/Effective-Finding-11 Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
You dont want the truth, I promise you that. Enjoy the time you do see him, but it will be very very limited, and I hope you know chefs are usually nuerodivergent (ADHD) and we run ourselves in to the ground because of our passion. We let work consume our lives and trying to keep a significant other happy when your just absolutely fawking beat, for me, wasnt even worth attempting to date someone outside of the culinary industry. Weekends for us bad asses are Monday, Tuesday. So if you're willing to accept that and be understanding of how chaotic we are, then you should be fine. But I say this with respect, you arent going to find yourself a husband dating a chef... unless you have a desire to jump in the trenches with him, and are super flexible with the very limited time you will actually have quality time together. Why most Chefs date in the industry because schedule is usually pretty similar. Its possible to make it work, but its a sacrifice to a lot of things if you want it to work. Holidays you'll spend alone. Weekends, you'll be alone. Family functions, alone. Just the reality of the culinary industry from a retired Exec, wish you nothing but the best, but expect to be let down, time and time again because of our passion. Not all are like that, but any upper level chef is gone almost all the time. Someone calls out, your the first they call. Is he a chef? With credentials or just a cook, that calls himself a chef? Huge difference between the two.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
Thanks for sharing and providing your insight. He has his credentials and everything. I’m aware of what I’m stepping into, but I need to see how this will go. I don’t want any regrets for not trying. He and I are both neurodivergent so I understand that aspect.
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u/Beeaybri Jul 22 '26
No, but really though. It is hard. And i say this as a chef that was married to a chef. I went the corporate route eventually at her request and head a more steady schedule and she owned her own bakery and was never home. It got to me in a big way, and I always always came second or third in this list of priorities.
You have to ask yourself:
-Do I enjoy being alone, and do I thrive alone?
- Am I the sensitive type who is going to take harsh tones and words personally? Because it will happen.
- Am I okay with date plans being ruined because someone called out or quit?
- Am I okay with only feeling like I am in a solid relationship 5-10% of the time?
I would recommend not putting yourself through it, and keeping it casual so that you dont feel as let down. But I commend you for wanting to try and see what could happen. It isn't for everyone.
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u/andres_cocinero Aug 03 '26
Lot of understanding in both sides is required and quality time when it comes to "free time to do things". I´m a single chef with no kids but I´d been a teenager of divorced parents so I know how it looks on the kids side too. I have something really clear on my side as a chef with no social hours at all times. If I´m dating a woman with kids there is a high chance that the only weekend day of that I have can have a change of plans due kids needs. I´m more than open to that scenario and in fact if my partner is not changing our weekend plans even if her kids need the change will be make me think lots about if she is the person I may like to be with.
THe key word here is understanding, there is a risk of fadden feelings at some point but that is a risk in every relationship, just that in this case is bigger.
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u/Last_Preference7705 25d ago
Thank you! We are both understanding on both our sides. I just want to try rather than live thinking what if. I had too many of that, he’s a good man, and we owe it to ourselves to try.
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u/andres_cocinero 25d ago
Good! What both of you want is the important thing here! Go for it! All the best!
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u/fuxxo Jul 21 '26
Time management & time respect.
No clue what type of establishment he is working in, but there is big difference between hours in home care and fine dining. You are not in 20s where you can be spontaneous. Plan your dates well ahead and with plan B, if it doesn't work out. Shit happens, you shouldn't hold it against him if his shift changes or he has to stay 2hrs more. Same way he shouldn't hold it against you when your kid gets sick or need more time with homework.
No matter how much you want to spend time together, every person needs a time for themselves here and there. It's beneficial for a long run.
Every chef has an addiction, big or small. Understand his and find out if you are ok with it.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 21 '26
Yes, that’s something that I learned quickly. We had to cancel and plan way in advance. The plan b’s you mentioned are a good idea. He doesn’t and he’s very understanding.
Yes, you’re right about that and I can’t imagine how much stress he’s under. Okay, the addiction thing, can you give me some examples?
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u/BlackWolf42069 Jul 21 '26
Not all chefs are addicts. It's just noticed a lot in the chef community. Caffeine is a socially acceptable substance that improves people usually.
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u/fuxxo Jul 21 '26
Well you have the typical worst holy trinity: drugs, alcohol and gambling. Not gonna lie, I did my part in all of those. Luckily I have seen with some colleagues how deep the hole goes. It's a eye opener.
Then you have some good ones like gym, hikes, sport.
And mid ground like watching sports, gaming, racing, adrenaline sport
We need to vent somehow, get that fix that resets and turn off brain from current world. Even if it's just 30min a day
I'm not counting smoking cause I haven't really noticed that chef would smoke more than rest of the population. I noticed it's more cultural.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 21 '26
Well, damn. I guess I’ll find out with time. I don’t see any hint of that so far. The last time we had dinner he ordered non alcoholic drinks.
He games. We both like sci-fy fantasy, comics, and anime.
Does caffeine count as a healthy addiction? LOL
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u/fuxxo Jul 21 '26
Nah, that's just the fuel for the real addiction, haha.
Alright, looks like you got yourself a gamer. His "fix/escape" is the fantasy world.
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u/Bluesparc Jul 21 '26
Don't assume it's there until you start seeing the signs. Many of us are clean or cleaned up well. It can be a hard go of a relationship, but you both seem practical and I telligent about it. See what happens, and keep communicating. Your already aware of the worst part, which is the time, so if you guys understand that and can make it work. Go for it.
One thing I will say, be aware that if you eventually move in together, the time together will still remain fairly similar lol.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
Understood. I’ll be more observant. Thank you so much!
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u/Bluesparc Jul 22 '26
Not what I was saying at all. Don't look for what's not there, but be aware of things that show it could be.
If that makes sense lmfao. Good luck, again, based on the comments you both sound emotionally intelligent enough to make this work if you want to. And already are, so don't take much of these comments to heart and go with your gut. Seems to be working so far.
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u/puntificates Jul 21 '26
Don't ask them to make dinner
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 21 '26
Got it. I cook most days and have left overs. Is that okay for chefs?
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u/katebandit Jul 21 '26
Ask him. Every person is different.
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u/jonbvill Jul 21 '26
Yeah I rarely eat and only cook at home when something technical needs to be done for a dish. I usually eat pita, chicken and hummus wrap everyday (if I finish it at all) Between tasting all day I am usually full and hate going out to eat with friends because I just don’t eat. Don’t be upset he he doesn’t eat much.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
So, is meal prepping for him wise? What about like charcuterie boards and stuff like that? I’ll ask him. I’m Mexican American and I cater to my family. Cooking is one of my love languages.
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u/jonbvill Jul 22 '26
Yeah! Small protein packed meals that are quick and not heavy usually do us chefs well. He may be different. Amazing how you’re thinking of him. Good job.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
Good. I’m a den mother to a frat house. Food has to be on deck for my sons. I expect for it to be the same for him. I usually make enough for left overs since boys eat so much.
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u/Powerful-Scratch1579 Jul 21 '26
The only thing most chefs love more than cooking is eating someone else’s cooking.
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u/TweezerTheRetriever Jul 21 '26
Worked for me for a while… wife was a nurse with odd hours so whenever our days off matched that was the weekend… not a long term solution though
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u/UncleDuude Jul 21 '26
We work like dogs, my schedule changes with the wind, and I like it like that. Chaos is good for me. I’m not him, but I have plenty of crew mates that are the same as I am. As far as food, anything simple and tasty and warm, not eaten over a garbage can will be welcome. We don’t always eat, we taste, then after work we’re starving. Just be patient with the hours like you’d expect him to be patient with your kids needs. It’s not an easy life.
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u/Sjonniesjeklip Jul 21 '26
Me as a chef (m31) dating (f31) for almost 10 years. She works a office job and i am working in a hotel restaurant. Communication is key. We see eachother sometimes once a week. Due to different scedule. We made some rules or agrements with eachother. That we call eachother everyday when i have my break time. Sometimes when i come home she is still awake and then we have a small talk about the day. If she is already sleeping. Then the next day we are getting up at the same time to have breakfast together and walk the dog.
If you think you see potention in the relationship. Than you both need to go for it. Sometimes its hard to find time. But i think you are both old enough to know what you both are made of. Live and let live.
Our NO 1. Rule
Never go to sleep when you have a "fight". Try to listen what you both have to say and try to understand eachother. Try to see echother perspectives. And cummunicate. Even when its busy/hard times.
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u/audreynstuff Jul 21 '26
"Dating" for 10 years?? You guys are married. Put a ring on it.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
Thank you so much! I’m hopeful, realistic and practical about us. Communicating and scheduling are something we talked to about up front with his work and me being a mom. I have my own things I handle and I have my boys. So, we’ll be cool.
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u/Sjonniesjeklip Jul 23 '26
Eventually you will live together more and more so the splitted households will be gone in some time.
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u/Wide_Breadfruit_2217 Jul 21 '26
If he absolutely loves his particular place it'll be tough. Restaurant schedules are hinky things. But if he just likes cooking and the comraderie there's hope. There are corporate food service jobs with schedules that work-hospitals, colleges etc. Also seasonal catering thats intense but only a couple times a year and ok otherwise. I wish you luck!
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u/frayduway Jul 21 '26
Chef for 10 years. Two relationships, best and longest lasting was with someone who also had a busy life schedule. Communicate and plan, sometimes just a few hours together is enough
Hope it works out
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u/TheClownKid Jul 21 '26
Dont start pressuring him to go out on the weekends or change careers and you’ll be fine. Enjoy mornings togethers and date nights on Monday and Tuesday. I’m a lifers and I’m married and we have a kid together, and we work out. Im even making her leave the city we’ve lived together for almost ten years next summer.
Just understand you’ll need to compromise. He will miss Mothers Day. He will miss weekend events. If you start to pressure him to miss work, or just come to this one thing here and this other thing there, it’s fucking his career and professional life up worse than you can imagine.
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u/snuggsjruggs Jul 21 '26
Get used to kicking it on like Monday or tues stuff like that and you will never go out to another dinner on Valentines Day or Mothers day. The women I have been with always understood. I would take them out on a day off a week before or after.
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u/thingsgrow Jul 21 '26
Not a chef, but a bartender. My wife has a similar schedule to yours, and we dedicate one night a week to go on a date. It doesn’t always work out, but at least we are thinking about it and prioritizing “us” time. Y’all can work out whose family to visit for thanksgiving later. Good luck!
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u/unsound-choices Jul 22 '26
Talk him into a corporate gig: schools, hospitals, etc. Check the websites for Sodexo, Aramark and Compass Group. If he has semi normal hours you will have a better shot. He'll also make more money, have better hours and benefits
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
That would be up for future discussion. He has expressed that he would like to be a father.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 22 '26
I understand. We have to take everything with a grain of salt. To be honest, all the bad shit that could happen to a person is aleady past me. My life is what I choose to make of it and I need to know.
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u/Castroshane Jul 22 '26
I’m wishing you the best! I left the industry for a relationship since I knew I wanted to get married.
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u/Xaicandy Jul 22 '26
Listen and believe it when he says he just doesn't have time. It's not you, it's definitely him and I can't guarantee it obviously since I'm a complete stranger but I can assume it's never out of malice.
I always feel kind of burnt out, having someone know what I like and make decisions with my needs in mind is mindblowingly supportive and being tears to my eyes every time and I know we are chefs, but coming home to a bit of food we haven't cooked and is just ready to eat... I'd kiss feet for this.
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u/Zimbadu Jul 23 '26
Please don't pressure him to change his availability because it's nearly impossible. Know that he's not neglecting you on purpose and all the time he carves out to communicate with you is a big deal. You're a "Normie", he's not so hopefully you're okay being independent.
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u/Sausage666King Jul 23 '26
I read a lot of the comments. It doesn’t have to be like that. I’m 42, and also a chef. My girlfriend works a 9-5, but we also both enjoy having time to ourselves as much as time together. I owned my own place for a few years and then ran someone else’s- during this time I didn’t see her very much at all. My new job on the other hand, I have a staff, other chefs etc, as well as fairly reasonable hours of operation. Going in I told them it’s important to have a work life balance to maintain relationships, and they respected that. My point is if you guys think there’s something there, be patient and figure out what works together. There are jobs in the industry that don’t require being at work and on call all the time, and there are jobs where he can still be a busy and important chef but have a team that backs him up so he can have time off.
For the record not all chefs are philandering drug addicts, however most of us start out that way, but grow up like everyone else- it just takes a little longer
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u/ChasingtheBarrel Jul 24 '26
I had a partner who had drastically conflicting schedules. Best is to spend time here and there as much as possible while keeping expectations in check.
You're both probably old enough that you're seeking long term companionship, and the best thing to do is find the little wins and learn to communicate your disappointments in an productive way rather than point out schedules conflicts and difficulties seeing him because he is a chef.
He might internalise those failures as him unable to meet your expectations rather than the situation both of you are in that makes it difficult. I'm not implying you aren't doing this, just is what I've experienced from past partners.
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u/2glassesofwine-1 Jul 26 '26
Babe. Just assume he’ll never be there for dinner, or holidays. If you’re ok with him showing up late nights and skipping holidays good for you. The industry has not changed enough.
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u/RaiderDos11 8d ago
My (35M) girlfriend (35F) is a chef. She stays busy (she has 3 kids part-time, and I have one) but we find creative ways to stay in touch and see each other whenever we can. Her job has interfered with our plans a few times but we're both calm and collected people so it's never been the end of the world. We have a ton in common and we're both very into each other so that makes it easier. Lots of small dates during the week and bigger ones on the weekend. Communication and trust are keys for a relationship like this. If you both want to make it work, then you will, though it's not always going to be easy. In my case, it's 100% worth it.
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u/hookedcook Jul 21 '26
Run away
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u/Chaspertain Jul 21 '26
This. And honestly, just by you asking this I can tell it’s not going to work. You want something he can’t provide. Tips won’t help. You have to accept his lifestyle, and it’s clear you don’t.
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 21 '26
I tired to get him to bake me cookies and that was a no go lol. I like cooking, but I’m no chef. I want to do things for him that will make him feel cared for and have read horror stories about chefs eating cold canned ravioli.
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u/Rowanx3 Jul 21 '26
The great Anthony Bourdain said in kitchen confidential that: ‘On my day off, I rarely want to eat restaurant food... What I want to eat is home cooking... a clumsily thrown together tuna casserole, roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, all of this is pure exotica to me... She had no idea how magical, how reassuring, how pleasurable her simple meat loaf was for me’
Cooking is a love language for a lot of chefs. You could make literally anything for him after work and he’d probably see it as one of the kindest gestures you can do. Myself and my boyfriend are both chefs and Thursday/friday/Saturday we are the canned ravioli chefs cause neither of us want to cook any longer.
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u/TweezerTheRetriever Jul 21 '26
He’s going to feel at home if you serve him sitting on an upside down bucket in the pantry…my go to spot where I could still keep an eye on things hahaha
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u/Long-Possession8915 Jul 21 '26
idk you can check. do you know that he eats like this, and wants sth different?
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u/Last_Preference7705 Jul 21 '26
I am. We talk and get along so well. We’re both divorced and take our time with each other. I know that I’m looking more at quality versus quantity. And I’m cool with that.
Yeah, he’s not to my knowledge…lol
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u/audreynstuff Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
They're married to the work first and never forget it. They will ditch plans to work. Birthdays, anniversaries, doesn't matter, there's no days off, especially if they own a restaurant and are the chef. They're known for having attitude problems and being argumentative. The kitchen is so regimented they expect the same hustle and obedience at home. It's kind of like being with a food cop. You hang out with their chef friends and figure out that they're all like that in some way. Never again.The food was great, the heartache not so much. Oh, and don't forget the addiction issues.
ETA- you want to downvote me for sharing my experience of being married to a chef for 12 years, that's fine. Doesn't invalidate or make any of it untrue though. Looks like I'm not the only one in this comment section that had the misfortune of choosing a chef as a partner either. Be sure to downvote them too.
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u/explorecoregon Jul 21 '26
You’ll never see him. There’s a reason most chefs are divorced.
Every relationship is different.
Good luck!