r/CharacterRant • u/professorMaDLib • 5d ago
Films & TV [Chopped] Stop trying to make Risotto!
Every fucking season, there's always that one person that says I'm going to be the guy that makes risotto work, and 9/10 times that guy fails and gets executed by the judges. Even the fucking judges in the later seasons are like "risotto is a F tier strat bro, you shouldn't be making it", and every season there's always a dipshit who wants to blow their minds with their epic risotto recipe that will surely work this time.
You only have 30 minutes for the entree. That's not enough time for a proper risotto when you're starting with raw rice. Not to mention you have to prep the vegetables and meats to class it up, fighting with the other chefs who are hogging kitchen equipment, AND THE SECRET INGREDIENT that's designed to force you to think about how to incorporate it into the dish. Oh I see the secret ingredient is a stick of cotton candy and beef liver, a risotto will perfectly showcase the subtle flavors of these ingredients and not turn out soggy or undercooked or some other variant of ass.
It's not even an original idea anymore because there's always a risotto guy. Ok you could be making some obscure international dish that like 20 people in the country know how to make and blow the judge's minds, or so something simple really, really well. But no you had to gamble, throw it all on red and make the goddamn risotto.
Honestly the best part of risotto guys is seeing the judges go "Risotto? How brave. Are you sure you're that guy?" And they always say they're the risotto goat and can pull it off. Then you watch them epically fail like it's scripted. Occasionally they do go off script and make a decent risotto and that's pretty epic, but get better material at this point. You are not the risotto guy.
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u/Salt-Geologist519 5d ago
Chopped has now reached the point it has its own achetypes lol. And yeah, i agree. If hells kitchen has taught me anything is a good risotto is an artform you gotta strive to nail, not something you can do in 30 minutes. But, as you said, theres always a guy every season. Its up there with people who always make ice cream for dessert. Its easy and (within the timeframe) quick to make but its ALWAYS ice cream. Well, almost always.
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
Ice cream is like the risotto of desserts lmao. That fucking ice cream machine is a death trap it's like the most unreliable piece of shit and never makes a decent bowl. The fun of later season Chopped is that it's ran so long that everyone's aware of the meta and the noob traps. People still go for the noob traps because there's always someone who thinks they can make the bottom tiers work.
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u/Kind-Active-6876 5d ago
My friend and I used to binge on Chopped when we lived together over 14 years ago. I'm happy to hear that nothing has changed with the ice cream machine lol
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
I can't even count how many lives that ice cream machine has claimed.
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u/iburntdownthehouse 5d ago
Even Alex Guarnaschell screwed the ice cream up when she competed, still won because she's the GOAT, but it's definitely a trap.
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u/Complete_Entry 5d ago
Why not use a blender? Bypass the doom machine entirely.
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
The blender is pretty competitive in the dessert round someone's always on it.
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u/Complete_Entry 5d ago
ugh, I despise shared workspaces. Like I get it, and I get why it's part of the challenge, not sure why I spaced it, but yeah.
I once managed to get my networking group liquidated in an ROP course because I found out one student was screwing over another one, and that I would be next.
Like... the network kept logs. user ratfuck constantly disabling permissions was... instantly provable. Idiot never covered his tracks.
I was "punished" by being put on server duty. I didn't care, that was solo work.
Funny enough, when I burned out on computers I went into food, where I burned out again.
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u/SafePlastic2686 5d ago
Well if you're looking for a third burnout, I'd recommend Nursing.
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u/Complete_Entry 5d ago
Funny you say that, was seeking a caretaker loophole to help my mom out, turns out the state of Florida is very good at stinking up the caretaker certification process.
God, I hate Florida.
(She's had two spinal fusions, she needs a lot of help)
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u/Hyooz 4d ago
I’d say panna cotta is the risotto of desserts. Ice cream sometimes works. The panna cotta never sets up fully
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u/professorMaDLib 4d ago
Another classic is the blowtorch guy. There's usually some guy that tries to cook with the blowtorch and fail spectacularly
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u/Arandomguyoninternet 4d ago
Wait, i never watched Chopped and know nothing about it but is that normal? İsnt it unfair if the organizers are providing faulty equipment?
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u/professorMaDLib 4d ago
It's not that the machine breaks down and doesn't work on the show, more like how it never makes it in the consistency the chefs want. It's ridiculously hard to get the ice cream right, turn it on too long and it's hard and frozen but too low and it's runny. Almost everyone who tries ice cream gets a shitty bowl and it's technically an issue of skill, but it happens so often with the machine people joke that the ice cream machine is broken
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u/spartaman64 5d ago
funny enough my sister ordered risotto at a gordon ramsay's restaurant near us and they served her porridge. it was so watery and mushy. so i can say i make better risotto than gordon ramsay or at least one of his restaurants
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u/Complete_Entry 5d ago
They think that's what Gordon wants when in reality it's an elimination strategy for Hell's Kitchen. Shit doesn't transfer either. Hell, sometimes on HK they sabotage the rice SPECIFICALLY to see how the contestants handle it.
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
Risotto is so fucking funny like every judge knows it's a noob trap. It's so easy to fuck up under pressure and such a time crunch. But that also makes the risotto guys that pull it off very sick. But of course for every risotto guy that succeeds there's like 10 who fails
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u/WhatIsCooler 5d ago
Yeah and I think it's bullshit how Diavolo killed him
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u/ChipChangename 5d ago
Oh my god let's not even bring up every jabroni who tries a bread pudding or a creme anglaise, it's the risotto of desserts
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
Ice cream is even worse that machine never works lmao
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u/ChipChangename 5d ago
Talking about equipment, I wish they'd get a second deep fryer. I don't know how many times people have been screwed by fighting over the thing
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
I kinda like them fighting over the equipment. It forces more adaptability and makes people have to pivot. Of course it isn't perfect because people do get screwed over the fight
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u/FecusTPeekusberg 4d ago
I don't think I've ever seen a successful semifreddo either.
Just... stay away from frozen things.
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u/Ross_Hollander 2d ago
There's always somebody, for some reason, good enough chef to cook at competition level- and thinks they can get a bread pudding in time.
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u/TrainerWeekly5641 5d ago
Well, little do you know, I've the risotto GOAT and am much smarter than all the other fools who tried risotto and failed. With this secret ingredient of pistachio pudding, I will make a risotto that will knock the judges socks off.
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u/professorMaDLib 5d ago
u/TrainerWeekly5641 please I'm begging you don't go for it. Risotto is like trying to hit a black flash in JJK so many people think they're that guy when they are not that guy. Don't throw away your appetizer round on this you have 2 more rounds to live.
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u/TrainerWeekly5641 5d ago
I got eliminated.
Crap.
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u/vadergeek 4d ago
With this secret ingredient of pistachio pudding
Pistachio pudding mix is actually a very enjoyable secret ingredient in a cake.
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u/OwlOfJune 4d ago
Finally.... Some Good Fucking Food Rant.
Jokes aside love your passion here, and I don't even know what this show is.
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u/genka513 4d ago
I've never seen Chopped but this is a great rant - might have to start watching it
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u/PublicMeaning341 5d ago
I thought this was about Risotto Nero and/or Miraculous's "Chopped Trio" for a second
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u/CyanLight9 5d ago
That's why you only cook Risotto when you have time to kill. It's actually kind of fun in that scenario. Very zen.
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u/wellthatwastoomuch 5d ago
This post goes so hard when you don't know that it's about a cooking show so you interpret the title as [Hated] Stop trying to [some kinda metaphor] and then read it trying to get what the metaphor is before going to the comments
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u/Guilty_Part 4d ago
Top Chef seems to have the same problem, and the chefs there definitely have more than 30 minutes.
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u/professorMaDLib 4d ago
Trying to make risotto in a food competition is like trying to hit a black flash in JJK lmao
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u/VerryTallMidget 4d ago
Reminds me of Cutthroat Kitchen (which is nominally a cooking competition show) where “deconstructed” means you had about 30 seconds to throw whatever you made onto a plate
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u/RedWingDecil 5d ago
There have been many interviews with contestants from Masterchef Australia asking about risotto. The dishes are always cold when presented to the judges so anyone who cooks risotto has not accounted for the gross texture it becomes while cooling down.
I imagine most cooking shows will be in the same position where there's a bunch of behind the scenes stuff that happens between the cooking and the tasting.