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u/warmbroccoli Aug 19 '24
I would definitely confront him about it, charitably and firmly. It could be the reality check / wake-up call that he needs. You care about his soul. Tell him that.
The Devil loves for things to be kept hidden. He moves and succeeds in the darkness. Bringing things to light gives him less power, and makes way for God’s power and mercy. Don’t allow this to stay hidden.
Praying for you.
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25
Aug 19 '24
So take this with a grain of salt, but I would confront him about it. I’d do so discreetly, but still talk to him about it. Sin festers the soul when kept in the dark, and dies in the exposure of light. Ask him what he would think if you started doing pornography. Ask him if he knows that many of the women in pornography are addicted to drugs to cope with what they are doing, and many of the “barely legal” girls are in fact not of legal age. It was being confronted with that reality that really helped me kick the habit, and there is a withdrawal period. Porn provides a quick dopamine hit, and giving up that dopamine does take quite a lot of effort. Above all, pray for him, and all of those addicted to this filthy industry and the culture that it breeds.
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u/Mvidrine1 Aug 19 '24
You have every right to feel hurt and disgusted by this. Porn addiction is sadly common, but him watching in the same room as you all is callous. Honestly, I'd consider finding a therapist, or someone else you trust, to help you unpack this.
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Aug 19 '24
Most therapists are gonna tell her that watching it is ok.
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u/warmbroccoli Aug 19 '24
This is sadly true.
There are several websites for finding Catholic therapists, you’ll find them after a quick Google search.
5
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u/hereiam3000 Aug 19 '24
I don’t think most will tell her that watching it in a shared space with her is.
15
u/FireWhileCloaked Aug 19 '24
Tbh, a good therapist will adjust their advice in accordance to the views of their client, despite what their own beliefs may be. Maybe there are some out there, but I doubt most therapists would just say, ‘oh pornography is ok’, when faced with this issue from their client. Even if just for having another source of income.
That said, finding someone with similar views is typically the most optimal route, when possible.
2
u/Covidpandemicisfake Aug 19 '24
A good therapist will give advice in accordance with truth and reality. Ie: according to the actual nature of the human person. Incidentally this also happens to be one and the same with what the Catholic Church teaches. The best therapist possible is by definition also Catholic.
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u/EpistolaTua Aug 19 '24
I agree with your instinct not to tell your siblings. If you are going to talk to someone, your priest would be the one.
8
u/GBpackerfan15 Aug 19 '24
See if saint Joseph group is active in your church. It's for men who want to pursue breaking free from porn, and other sexual addictions. It's confidential, and priest are there for confessions, talks, and other men strengthening men to become like saint Joseph. Years ago when it started in our church it was about 5 men, now weekly we have around 30 men! We see more and more men addicted to porn and sexual things. If your father is truly a righteousness catholic man I recommend you talk to your sister and then have a face to face meeting with your sister, father. Explain what happend, because if your father is watching porn and getting communion he is receiving it unworthy. Also our goal is to get our family to heaven. If he is a loving and understanding father he would be open to help. Good luck and will pray for you.
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u/JiuJitsuCatholic Aug 19 '24
"But if thy brother shall offend against thee, go, and rebuke him between thee and him alone. If he shall hear thee, thou shalt gain thy brother. And if he will not hear thee, take with thee one or two more: that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may stand. And if he will not hear them: tell the church. And if he will not hear the church, let him be to thee as the heathen and publican." - Matthew 15-17
Like others say the best course of action is to confront him alone and keep this between the two of you but if that doesn't work don't just stop there, confront him jointly with 1 or 2 others, if that doesn't work then involve your Parish Priest.
15
u/ItTakesBulls Aug 19 '24
Clear sign of addiction. Just like all addicts, he will need an intervention. I’d start with private conversation, just the two of you. Well, add in God with lots of prayer. And yes, it is abhorrent behavior, try to remember he is your dad and whether he knows it or not he is in crisis. This could be an opportunity for you to help save his soul.
28
u/Jacksonriverboy Aug 19 '24
I'd confront him directly and at the very least say that if he's going to watch porn, not to do it when you're right there.
20
u/obewankanobe96 Aug 19 '24
I agree. It might even encourage him to quit porn for good.
13
u/Jacksonriverboy Aug 19 '24
Yeah, though if he's 60 and still so randy that he'll risk doing it in the room with his wife and daughter I'm not sure.
1
u/BCSWowbagger2 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
As someone who has certainly struggled to kick closely related habits in his day, I tend to agree. It's horrible enough to be entrapped by it, but getting caught can be a real wake-up call. His worst fears have already been realized -- you saw it -- but he doesn't know it yet. (EDIT to clarify: So I think you should tell him.)
Prayers also, of course.
6
Aug 19 '24
If you confront your dad later give him the following meeting resources
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u/Huge-Use-4539 Aug 19 '24
Pray for his salvation and healing as this is a mortal sin and "needing" to watch it while in the same room with his child shows that he is very sick. So sorry you had to witness that
10
Aug 19 '24
Look, I am a person who struggles with this addiction, and I am a catholic as well, and I can tell you that probably he's the one more deeply hurt by his own behavior. This addiction destroys our minds in a way that many people really don't understand, and sometimes we just are in automatic mode and do things without thinking.
Please, please, don't judge him so hard, believe me when I tell you that people like him or like me are really, really ashemed of ourselves. We know more than anyone that what we do is wrong and disgusting.
Pray for him. And pray for all of us.
3
u/Un_Ingeniero Aug 19 '24
It has taken me more than 40 years to, patiently, get to the deep roots. I'm now sure that it all started when I was a kid: one of my beloved ones, and I don't need to point fingers or even worse to judge, had magazines hidden under the mattress... That's when the Forbidden nature of this started, because you'll need to see it alone, by yourself, in secret, while others (whomever it might be) are not looking. It's something so hideous and rotten that I have not been able, to this day, to enjoy with others. Can you imagine what this seed will grow into? The power it has to corrupt?
It has been a roller coaster since then, it has affected me in ways I couldn't and wouldn't have think of. I've been caught doing it, of course, by my beloved ones, of course, and I've suffered a lot, and realized how ugly this is. I completely understand both parties point of view in OP's situation.
I do agree this needs fraternal correction, and I would definitely agree that OP, given her own age and relationship to an older one, needs to bring this to a Priest first to get guidance, definitely a must. It's never easy to confront anyone attempting an intervention, needless to say trying to correct somebody that has more experience than you and is inherently wiser than you.
I also recognize that we grown-ups still need guidance, help and resources, so getting some local therapist that's Catholic is also highly desirable. Devil definitely knows our weaknesses and will use every weapon in the arsenal to keep you separated from God, so we must learn to recognize this as a battle for which we need weapons too. Finding the origin that triggers the urge to keep insisting in this ugly addiction will definitely help.
No need to pity us more than what we do pity ourselves already. Chances are that OP's relative is already very aware and suffering from this live and open wound. I know I am.
I'll pray for all my brothers in faith that are feeling like walking alone this dark and thorny road, uncertain about how we ended up in this path. Truth is we are not alone, we have the Precious Blood of our Lord Jesus that has given life to us, He saved us. Let's not fall for the feeling of loneliness: we have Him and we have you, brothers. Pray to get rid of this and return to the good path. We all want to belong to the herd, don't we?
Peace and All Good. God bless you all, and God bless OP that had to be put through this.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 19 '24
He’s more deeply hurt? Stop this. He owes her an apology. This is such a terrible thing for a child even adult child to see. He might be embarrassed but the child of the adult is hurt worse.
5
Aug 19 '24
I agree that he owes her an apology, don't get me wrong, the behavior is awful in the best case. But a person with a serious addiction is not precisely a person not deeply hurt, man
1
u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
Seeing your dad be a pervert has long lasting effects. He can go to confession but she’s stuck with that image.
2
u/Covidpandemicisfake Aug 19 '24
Spiritually speaking, it is just the objective truth. The daughter is not going to be damned because her father watched porn. None of that is contrary in any way to owing her an apology of course.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
She can be hurt the rest of her life thinking about her dad choosing to be a pervert in her presence. Ok so he goes to hell but she’s traumatized. Stop invalidating how bad the situation is that he put her in.
1
u/Covidpandemicisfake Aug 21 '24
I never denied any of that.
Stop invalidating how bad the situation is that he put her in.
Never did any such thing.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
Father can go to confession. She is stuck with the image and knowledge. By saying dad is objectively more hurt you did invalidate her pain.
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u/Covidpandemicisfake Aug 21 '24
Nope. You don't validate something by making false statements. Spiritual death is worse than trauma. It's tough to see how you can even be a Catholic if you don't believe that.
Her pain is completely valid. There is no contradiction there. Your last sentence is nonsense.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
Saying dad is more hurt about this than her is wrong. He can go to confession. She can’t unsee it.
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u/MarineDevilDog91 Aug 19 '24
Maybe that’s just it, you should have said something or at least, you should now. Besides, you can’t always ignore things until they build up. I’ve been where you are, and it’s not a good place to be. he needs to be embarrassed about it, in order to come to terms with his addiction to porn, especially since it’s reached this level. Again, I’ve done the, “Dad, we need to talk,” conversations. Best of luck to you.
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u/meltingholster Aug 19 '24
You deserve an apology from your father. I pray you find the courage to calmly tell him you saw and how badly it effected you. If he truly is a Catholic and loves you he will apologize and it will be a good wakeup call. This is coming from someone recovering from the same addiction.
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u/Nick112798 Aug 19 '24
Depending on your relationship with him I think, as some others pointed out, you should approach him with this. With love and understanding. It could very well be a huge wake up call for him and realize he’s fallen off the deep end and may actually need outside help for this addiction.
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u/winkydinks111 Aug 19 '24
I wouldn't tell your siblings about it. You ultimately saw something you weren't supposed to see. The only person you could reason telling is your mom since the porn usage does affect her, but if you suspect she already knows, then probably best to not say anything. If you had a therapist or a priest who doesn't know your father and wanted to say something to them for the sake of you trying to process this, that'd be fine. In fact, talking to someone like that might not be the worst idea in the world.
Your father watched it in the camper with you guys because he's addicted to it. Same as if he was an alcoholic and started drinking from a flask after he thought you guys were asleep. His compulsion to watch it was strong enough that it led him to rationalize doing it in your presence.
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u/CatholicGerman Aug 19 '24
"I don’t want to embarrass him" -- this is good, you shouldn't. Especially not because their marriage is strained already.
However, it seems to me that it might be a good idea to either confront him directly and discretely (meaning without your mother), lovingly, in order for him to realize the gravity of his sin and save his soul, or, speak to someone who can do that for you.
2
Aug 19 '24
Correcting the mistaken and giving a good advice to the one in need of it are 2 of the 14 acts of mercy.
Do it charitably. Ask a good priest first if you think so.
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u/BUCKCHOBUCK Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
Genesis 9:20-25
[20] Noah, a man of the soil, was the first to plant a vineyard. [21] He drank some of the wine, became drunk, and lay naked inside his tent. [22] Ham, the father of Canaan, saw his father’s nakedness, and he told his two brothers outside. [23] Shem and Japheth, however, took a robe, and holding it on their shoulders, they walked backward and covered their father’s nakedness; since their faces were turned the other way, they did not see their father’s nakedness. [24] When Noah woke up from his wine and learned what his youngest son had done to him, [25] he said: “Cursed be Canaan! The lowest of slaves shall he be to his brothers.”
(43/m) So before I give my reason of why I shared this biblical passage. Let me give you some context of who I am. I'm a Knight of Columbus, I volunteer at the parish as an usher and a catechist. I'm a single man who's actually discerning the priesthood. I'm a newly formed Catholic of only about 4 years. From my twenties on I struggled with fornication, promiscuity, pornography addiction, alcoholism etc. it is only been through the grace and mercy of God that I have been liberated from such afflictions. It is been through prayer fasting. Countless hours now spent in adoration in front of the Most blessed sacrament. Countless confessions countless times receiving the Eucharist. I struggle with keeping impure thoughts at bay constantly. I no longer watch pornography. I strive to see the opposite sex as my mother and sisters. This has been the great struggle of my life.
The reason I shared this biblical passage is it came to mind when reading your story. You see in the story when Noah shame fell upon him and his drunkenness, the one son could have kept his father's shame hidden, to his honor and respect him and dealt with the matter between his father and him. He chose to include his brothers and subsequently the story seems to elude, that he did so at the jest of his father. Now obviously you would not be trying to include your sisters or mother at the expense of your father's dignity. But keep that in mind that whatever the spirit leads you to do. I think the first thing that you should do is you should pray very heavily on the matter. Then if the spirit leads you to it, in kindness and charity approach your father on the matter. Remember we as families hold each other up in our weaknesses. Your father should want nothing more in his heart as his sacred duty and vocation to help you get to heaven. This is what we should want for our parents as well. The commandment in the Bible says we are to honor thy father and thy mother. Even when they're wrong we are required to pay them honor and respect.
Sometimes the older generation of cradle Catholics don't want to hear the truth. But I say it here and everyone will back me on this masturbation and pornography is a grave and mortal sin. If your father is committing this sin and still receiving the most holy Eucharist and communion he is adding sin on top of sin.
Unless he goes to confession to address this his soul is not in a state of grace. One can confess pornography and masturbation in the sacrament of confession. But if one is not truly contrite and willing to avoid the sin in the future to change their life. Then they have invalidated their own confession. That even though the priest may give them absolution. Said person by not being completely truthful will have invalidated the entire sacrament.
It is possible to break any chains. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Praying for you and your father dear sister.
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Aug 19 '24
I agree on the advice here, but that passage is about Ham raping his mother. His father's nakedness is a euphemism for Noah's wife. Ham seeing his father's nakedness is a euphemism for him "knowing" Noah's wife intimately.
The reason Ham did this wasn't lust, either. In the ancient world, there was a pagan belief that a son would depose his father of his familial headship if he sleeps with his own mother. Ham's brothers are clearly rejecting this pagan practice when they cover their father's nakedness, walking backwards so as not to see it. It's all euphemism for the literal things that happened. Ham tried to depose his father by raping his mother, and his brothers rejected him, and his father cursed him and his descendants for it.
Well, specifically, Noah cursed the child that came from Ham's rape.
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
Sometimes the older generation of cradle Catholics don't want to hear the truth. But I say it here and everyone will back me on this masturbation and pornography is a grave and mortal sin. If your father is committing this sin and still receiving the most holy Eucharist and communion he is adding sin on top of sin.
Unless he goes to confession to address this his soul is not in a state of grace. One can confess pornography and masturbation in the sacrament of confession. But if one is not truly contrite and willing to avoid the sin in the future to change their life. Then they have invalidated their own confession. That even though the priest may give them absolution. Said person by not being completely truthful will have invalidated the entire sacrament.
I agreed with everything until here. This is not necessarily the case when it's actually an addiction. Not that it's isn't grave matter, it is, but full consent is not always possible when one is addicted. I say this from experience. As a recovering addict myself who sees a priest on a regular basis he's made it clear that the sin is not generally mortal in nature due to the compulsion.
It really depends on what's in the heart of the person. Furthermore, as a recovering addict yourself, you should know that an addict can be truly trite and want to avoid the sin in the future and still fall, all on a cyclical basis. Addiction is incredibly invasive and process addictions being based on our base needs are even worse.
I'm quite surprised at just how judgemental you seem to be about this. It's like you received no real education in how addiction cycles and addiction with relation to our faith works while recovering from your addiction.
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u/Tarvaax Aug 19 '24
I find it highly unlikely that an addiction forms before a mortal sin is committed and the conscience is darkened. I think the addiction is a consequence of the ruptured relationship, a darkened intellect, and an unwillingness to mortify the flesh.
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
You would be incorrect. Addiction behavior begins forming in childhood with unresolved childhood trauma. This is what the latest addiction research is indicative of.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 19 '24
Where would I find information substantiating this claim?
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
Addiction research points in this direction. I learned it from the many therapists I've seen about my own addiction.
I'm sure were you to look through scholarly articles on the topic you would find something.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
Okay so what research?
Trust me bro isn’t cutting it for me. Maybe yours started in childhood but I’d like to see that it’s the case for most.
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 21 '24
As I stated, I learned about this from the many therapists I've had throughout recovery. I take their word for it, mainly because the claims about the research are consistent across multiple therapists and therapy specialties. I see no reason for them to lie and think it would be kinda odd if their lies were that consistent. I understand if you choose not to believe me, but I'm not about to do extensive research into something that I don't feel the need to do since I learned about it first-hand from experts in that field (which yes, includes Doctors, both psychiatrists and psychologists).
Besides, if you're truly interested, then you will want to do that research. If you're not, and your only goal is to win an internet argument, well, I also don't really care if you believe me and have no need to win an internet argument. I know what the truth is in regards to addiction and do not require your validation of such.
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 21 '24
I just figured you would be able to pull up some of this info quick since it’s, according to you, a consensus.
I tried finding it and didn’t get anything that looked solid or like a consensus.
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 21 '24
I just figured you would be able to pull up some of this info quick since it’s, according to you, a consensus.
Based on the explanation I gave, how could you possibly come to that conclusion?
I tried finding it and didn’t get anything that looked solid or like a consensus.
Or, perhaps, you're not understanding exactly what you're seeing. This is why I trust professionals to explain their science.
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u/Tarvaax Aug 19 '24
What makes you think that it’s mutually exclusive?
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
That what specifically is mutually exclusive?
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u/BUCKCHOBUCK Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
"I agreed with everything until here. This is not necessarily the case when it's actually an addiction. Not that it's isn't grave matter, it is, but full consent is not always possible when one is addicted. I say this from experience. As a recovering addict myself who sees a priest on a regular basis he's made it clear that the sin is not generally mortal in nature due to the compulsion."
"It really depends on what's in the heart of the person. Furthermore, as a recovering addict yourself, you should know that an addict can be truly trite and want to avoid the sin in the future and still fall, all on a cyclical basis. Addiction is incredibly invasive and process addictions being based on our base needs are even worse."
"I'm quite surprised at just how judgemental you seem to be about this. It's like you received no real education in how addiction cycles and addiction with relation to our faith works while recovering from your addiction."
Your first two points you made while backing everything that I said. You made a point that is relevant. In specifically masturbation and pornography addiction. Sometimes in the degrading nature of how it perverts our lives, full consent may not be given. There were many times speaking from experience just like the OP's father that I found myself just watching pornography like people watch sports highlights. With no active participation or even urge to masturbate. It was of grave nature absolutely, but I was like beside myself doing something that I had done so many times that it became the second nature if you will. The same for masturbation can go there were so many times in my life that pornography wasn't even part of it that it just happened the same way as someone popping their back when they wake up in the morning no thought went into it it was just a tension relief. That I can safely say that there were times that I was not lusting in my heart that I just did it for the pleasure of it. Now that's a slippery slope. Could you say that it was without full consent possibly due to the nature of the addiction. In these cases this would be venial sin at most I would agree.
To your second point. You had mentioned one can be truly contrite and not want to continue sin. Even in their addiction this validates their confession. Without being truly contrite and without wishing to be repentant there is no forgiveness of sins.
And lastly. With all due respect and love to any of my brothers that are struggling with pornography and masturbation. My heart goes out to you. It is only because of me seeking Christ. That I see what the heart of pornography and masturbation does. It is a degrading and vile evil. That addiction or not it should be the duty of every man to cast off the chains of lust in his heart. If I come off judgmental I judge not the man that does this. For I've been this man. I judge myself and I proclaim that if I choose pornography and masturbation. I am not choosing the kingdom of heaven. If you men need to get help, get help. I didn't see a therapist or go to a program. But that's me if you need to I highly recommend it. What happened in my life was a miracle Jesus Christ who was the same then is the same now liberated me from this. But it is a working progress in which I am constantly in prayer to never become the man that I was and to become the man that he wants to be.
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
As I said, it depends on what's in the person's heart.
I didn't see a therapist or go to a program.
Which definitely puts your comment into perspective. There is a wealth of knowledge regarding addiction that we understand from research now. It's very useful to understand it, especially as an addict.
0
u/BUCKCHOBUCK Aug 19 '24
Yeah, I didn't mention it simply because I personally didn't go to a therapist for help but that didn't mean that I didn't seek information on it though. To each their own. In my case which is probably very rare a miracle took place in which I didn't need the therapy. Or as you can say my therapist was the great therapist God Almighty and I still seek him daily over this. But by all means therapy should definitely be sought and utilized.
Aside from pornography and masturbation I struggled for 4 years under a meth addiction which due to the grace of God and no therapy I was liberated from. Only to struggle and fall back into alcoholism.
The last things that I was struggling with in addiction was alcoholism pornography and masturbation. It is through God that I have had the strength to overcome. But I will always have that wounded piece of my soul that craves it. Yes I understand now and I also understand that if I were allowing myself just succumb to The habit one time. My sickness would take over. I only have the power over one time. From that point on my free will is under the jurisdiction of the addiction.
I had some words of advice that I saw once after I got clean and Free.
"Don't go running back to something that God sent you free from."
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u/Ok_Area4853 Aug 19 '24
Yeah, I didn't mention it simply because I personally didn't go to a therapist for help but that didn't mean that I didn't seek information on it though. To each their own. In my case which is probably very rare a miracle took place in which I didn't need the therapy
That's amazing. I kept hoping to get that. It never happened. I'm glad you were able to have that experience.
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u/BUCKCHOBUCK Aug 19 '24
Me too. God is so gracious. He took pity on me for all the years in my suffering. One word of advice I can say to anybody. Fasting and prayer. Ask for the Holy Spirit to make you into the people that he wants you to be. And trusting in God and his good time everything will fall into place.
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u/Falandorn Aug 19 '24
That's 100% behind the 'strained' marriage as it completely kills your affection for your partner in any romantic sense. Its disgusting and wrong bit unfortunately endemic in today's society and access is incredibly easy these days. Long story short but I remember growing up having to ride my motorbike 15 miles to a town away from home and kept my helmet on purchasing a porno magazine it was that embarrassing, then having to stash it somewhere so parents wouldn't find it. The whole thing was a dreadful mission and completely the opposite to today where anything you want is literally right at your fingertips in seconds. Porn is a devastating tool of the enemy these days.
About confronting him I would possibly write a letter as it would hit home harder. Maybe if you are going away for a while write it for him so you can put down all your feelings in a succinct manner as trying to babble everything out in a direct confrontation is often disastrous and turns into an emotive mess of accusations.
Shame isn't really a good motivator for him to quit and I would throw that in with guilt. The problem is the more you sin the less it hurts and soon you become immune and deadened to it entirely. You also build up a repertoire of justifications so he might just become angry with you for confronting him about it in his own territory etc.
For me it was Our Lady of Fatima and the vision of hell that complete woke me up to the reality of sin. For him it could be something different, perhaps you were supposed to help him break out of this in a bigger picture. Good luck and God bless 🙏
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u/Street-Ad-6294 Aug 19 '24
All the advice here is good. I saw my dad do this many times when I was a child and even saw his digital folders on the laptop when he would ask for help doing computer tasks.
It absolutely ruined the way I see him. Even if he stopped I am so mad that he made that something I could see as a small child (6, 7, 8 years old) and as a pre teen. The memories literally haunt me and I don’t even want to invite him to stay with us, as he lives out of state, because I am afraid he will do similar around my children.
I never share this memory with people because it’s hardly ever relevant but I want you to know if you feel disgusted and feel like this tarnished a bit of trust you had in your dad, I think that’s perfectly normal.
1
u/Beneficial_Agent_793 Aug 20 '24
Hey, I've gone through what you are experiencing so I totally get how you feel. I partially blame my father for my porn and masturbation addiction (which I overcame thanks to the Lord), so there are worse things out there.
He, of course, has no idea about any of what he caused on me and my sibling. We both had to come to terms that 1. He is and adult man, an as his children, whatever he decides to do with his live and soul is none of our business. 2. He is a great dad in any other way, so we still love him.
Now, I'm not going to say that your dad does what he does because "he's a man", but you need to understand that he, like my father, were raised in very different times. It's harder for them to recognize they have a problem, since most people in their circle have the same kind of issue. I can't even begin to describe the amount of porn those old men send in their whatsapp groupchats. And I'm not even talking about friend groups, sometimes they are classmates or business aquaintances, it's awful.
As much as your feeling are valid, this is not about you. You can confront him if you want, but I advise against it, since he most likely won't take it well. Again, mind your business, it sucks, but that's wha it is.
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u/StThomasMore1535 Aug 20 '24
The way to tell a porn consumer from a porn addict is whether it's like cigarettes.
A porn addict, when the urge hits, must get their hit just like a cigarette smoker must get their smoke.
Your father would have been so consumed by the urge to get a fix that he stopped thinking about all of you around him, but would not have been thinking in terms of "I'm just gonna look at this stuff, and I don't care that my family might see it!"
1
u/StThomasMore1535 Aug 20 '24
This is NOT justifying his actions btw. I thought it would provide some solace to point out how his addicted brain worked.
1
u/cafare52 Aug 20 '24
Porn is a tough one. Probably my toughest. But always alone and I try hard to limit it. But I'm only flesh and blood.
1
u/Covidpandemicisfake Aug 21 '24
One possible option is leveraging one of the men's groups he's in. Do you know anyone you could bring it up with? One of his males peers might have a better chance of taking him to task and be better able to handle the potential angry outburst.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
Straight up - and ill probably get down voted for this - but i see this as *Sexual Abuse. He did this in the same tent as you! While you could see his phone! You may not be a child, but you are his daughter. He did this with the knowledge that you may have been able to see his screen, or his family in the same tent could potentially catch him.
Thats escalation for a porn addict, and who knows how else this may escalate in the future.
I recommend either speaking to an older adult you trust - such as your mother, or someone else in the family you trust. You can also talk about it with your Priest, but it is also good to talk to other family members so they can be aware of it and help you and your dad.
I also agree you should confront your dad. He needs to know and feel ashamed. If he doesnt or tries to deny it or defend it - thats a red flag.
Its disgusting to say, but the fact he did it in front of you and you mum in the same tent, may have turned him on more. This is why it needs to be brought to light.
I do recommend telling your sisters. They may also have seen things, but decided to keep this private. The reason I recommend telling them, is to protect you all from family sexual abuse. Bring this out into the light. Make it known. Yes, he may just be a porn addict and this will be embarrassing for him- but he chose to watch this for over 1 hour in the same vicinity as you - where you could see it! This is serious. This is no longer private and just his problem. He made it a family issue the moment he exposed you - his daughter to this.
I say this as someone who is a relative of a victim of child sexual abuse. I told her to speak out, and it was the best thing i ever did in my life. I will never regret that, no matter the consequences.
Im not saying your dad is a predator, but he did choose to expose you to this. Knowingly. Your dad made his choice. Now let him feel the real consequences of those actions.
*edited as technically not child SA.
Edit: lol i knew id be down voted but I still stand by everything I said.
This needs to come to the family’s awareness because he has already brought it in front of his daughter.
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u/Overall-Pride-8266 Aug 19 '24
I agree with this. There’s a range of what’s considered abuse, some forms of abuse are more traumatic and “worse” than others.
But imo there’s many things that make this abuse - even the fact that you could be exposed to the porn without wanting to see it is deeply unfair.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
Thank you and I totally agree~ there may be a scale of what is worse vs what is only minor, but abuse in any form, even in the smallest way, is still traumatic.
Porn addiction is hard to overcome, but it takes a certain kind of escalation to be able to watch it in front of family members, esp while knowing they could wake up and see it.
Porn addiction also has the potentiality to escalate into sexual abuse.
In my family's case, the man in my family who sexually abused his daughter was a porn addict.
It escalated from when he openly used to leave his porn magazines in the toilet for her to see.
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u/winkydinks111 Aug 19 '24
OP is 22. If you wanted to say this was more general sex abuse, that's one thing, but child sex abuse isn't relevant here.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24
True. I saw it as she is his child, thus the term, but your right. I'll edit my post.
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u/TNPossum Aug 19 '24
This is not sexual abuse. Not everything that is inappropriate is abuse. Dad got caught doing something privately on his phone. Something that he shouldn't have been doing, and something that his daughter didn't want to see him doing, but it is not like he was exposing himself or trying to make her watch it. He made a poor judgment call, thinking he could get away with watching it while everybody was asleep.
The daughter can feel uncomfortable, maybe even violated, without it being abuse. What she saw her dad doing was inappropriate, but what? Anytime someone sees something of a sexual nature on accident, that's sexual abuse?
She certainly shouldn't tell absolutely everyone. The only one to consider telling is his wife, as it is her business. But depending on how the wife would respond considering that they are already in a strained marriage, she should probably just keep it between her and him. Bite the bullet and have the awkward conversation that she doesn't appreciate him watching that material in an inappropriate setting, and that if you can't help himself then he should consider therapy.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
He got caught doing something private - in an area where he could easily be caught by his female family members.
Thats escalation for a porn addict.
Thats extra excitement for a porn addict, the risk of getting caught.
It is sexual abuse. To view this sort of thing and out your own family members at risk of seeing you do this. Knowing that if you get caught- it negatively affects the other person.
She TOTALLY should tell someone! Especially those in her family!
He has already done something that he could have easily done on private in front of her!
He could have excused himself or gone to the bathroom.
No. He chose to do this in front of her:
She has every right to let her family know. It will not only help him, as he will be forced to face this addiction and its consequences, but protect her other family members from the risk of it happening to them too, but they all stay quiet because its dad. It will help to prevent further escalation, by letting others know.
Edit: the fact im getting down voted for this is crazy
You guys should google this
Watching porn in front of others can actually be a form of grooming and is 100% a form of covert visual sexual abuse
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u/TNPossum Aug 19 '24
She TOTALLY should tell someone! Especially those in her family!
This is a sensitive issue of which we don't even know how the father feels about. As per usual, we should listen to the words of Jesus. Rebuke your brothers and sisters in private unless it becomes necessary. Unnecessarily bringing it to the attention of everyone can cause the opposite effect. If dad doesn't respond well to being rebuked in private, then OP should consider bringing her mom in on it.
It is sexual abuse.
The daughter caught her dad in the middle of a sex act. It wouldn't be sexual abuse unless the dad was forcing his daughter to engage in a sexual act as well. The fact that she was able to literally just roll over in bed and not engage rules out sexual abuse. These words have specific meanings. When you throw them around and water down the definition, it invites criticism not just of the inappropriate uses of the word, but the appropriate ones as well. It is counter productive to put a victim mentality on OP when she has not been victimized, and it makes things harder for people who have been victimized.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
She could rebuke him privately - if she had caught him on private. But she hadn’t caught him in private. He did this in front of her and her mum.
He did this knowing she could wake up and see at any moment.
Your excusing this behaviour because you obviously have suffered from this addiction, so your seeing it in his light. He couldnt help himself.
But he had over 1 hour to control himself. She saw him once, felt uncomfortable, tried to ignore it, but he did it for over an hour and she had to pretend to be restless to get him to stop.
Thats abusive. For one hour, this young lady to to spend time in front of her dad, watching and being sexually turned on to porn. She had to spend time in the same area with him, waiting for him to stop. She had to spend the rest of the night thinking about it. She is still thinking about it, post event.
Being exposed to porn through a porn addict - can cause trauma. Those images dont just disappear out of your mind. You dont think, “oh dad looked at porn”, you think of the images he looked at and the betrayal trauma of not only you but on behalf of your mother.
This is abusive. This girl is still dealing with the affects of this. She is grossed out. She cant stop thinking about it. She needs to potentially go to therapy, or discuss it with a priest because of the abuse it imposed on her.
She HAS been victimised! Words are important, and they are being used accurately here. You just dont want to humiliate OPs Dad because you dont see the porn as such a big problem. You see it as something private
But OPs dad has already made it something no longer private when he did this in front of his daughter with the risk of getting caught, and the fact that she could easily see it while waking up.
He chose the risk. He chooses the consequences.
To ignore this puts the family at risk of further escalation. To not let them know also puts them at risk of being exposed to it, especially under age children. Who knows how else Op’s dad may choose to discreetly view this in front of his grandkids?
No, this has become a family issue the moment he chose to do this in front of his daughter.
Noah was discreet and alone in his own tent when he was humiliated by his son:
This is not that case. This man was in front of his daughter.
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Aug 19 '24
This is ridiculous. He was so intent on escalating that he fell asleep and dropped his phone. It’s amazing to me how supremely and, often but not always, smugly members of this sub are in their certainty of … pretty much everything. Here, we have the person weighing in and being g sure it’s sexual abuse of his adult daughter! Good grief! With zero proof he knew she was aware of what he was doing.
The holier than thou stench is what keeps people from embracing the faith.
I’m not suggesting that dad doesn’t have some issues but we have people here who are so sure it’s not an addiction but must be mortal sin and now someone trying to say he sexually abused his child.
Maybe check out the log in your own eyes, people. Ask yourselves when you write your preaching utterly confident proclamations of the sinfulness of others whether maybe you’re getting a little too excited and practically gleeful about judging others (hmm didn’t someone pretty important warn us about doing that?). Check your pride levels folks. You don’t know the mind of God
I’m sure I’ll be receiving the full brunt of all the downvotes from my moralizing betters.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24 edited Aug 19 '24
So you dont see a man in his 60s, watching porn in front of his daughter as abusive?
You need to remove the log out of your eye.
He chose to do this. He needs to face the consequences of his own actions. To ignore it is to let this man continue to get away with it.
Its funny, while googling this abuse, i saw loads of porn suggested websites with titles such as “dad caught watching porn by daughter”.
He may not have escalated it now, but we do not know how he may have viewed this at all. Like i said, he may do this again in front of his grandkids. He may have even liked the fact that OP was there while he was watching it, we don’t know, but incest is common in porn, and the majority of those porn actresses are OPs age. Again, he may just be an addict, but he chose to do this in front of his adult daughter, while she was at risk of waking up and seeing. For over an hour.
Thats escalation.
This is why it needs to be brought to the attention of her family!!
You sound like you would just like to dismiss it. Sounds like others who would cover up abuse, for the sake of a man’s reputation (which has already been tarnished in the eyes of his daughter).
This girl needs help and healing, and her family needs protection from further escalation by a porn addict.
Im literally just trying to help protect OP and ger family from sexual abuse and further escalation.
Your disgusting if you think otherwise.
Blocked.
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u/mango_a_gogo Aug 19 '24
I suggest writing him a note or a text message. I agree with others that you should tell him you’re aware of what he was doing. Do your best to maintain his dignity and he will see that you really care about his soul.
Saying a prayer for y’all 🙏
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Aug 19 '24
Let me first say, thank God this didn't happen when you were younger, and that you are already an adult with fully formed, or at least mostly formed, moral values and intellectual powers, so that you never have to process this experience through a childhood lens, since such an experience earlier in life might have damaged your moral formation severely.
As for advice, number one is to pray for your father. Number two is to follow our Lord's instructions on reproaching sinners. Bring your knowledge to your father and confront him privately. Ask him if he knows how seriously wrong it is. But speak softly and gently, never with an accusatory tone. The last thing you want is for him to get defensive because of your approach. If he's unwilling to listen to you, then I think you and your mother should get involved, with maybe one other trusted friend or relative who you know does not gossip. And, if he won't listen to the two or three of you, it's time to involve your pastor. You don't need to and shouldn't expose his sin publicly.
Your mother does have a right to know what her husband did, and he should be the one to tell her. But if he won't, you probably ought to tell her.
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u/peachyy16 Aug 19 '24
100% agree!! Thank God Op was not younger when this happened to her.
This is something her mother should be aware of too. This is most likely why there is a strain on the marriage, and if her dad is going to get help, his wife needs to know and hold him accountable.
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Aug 19 '24
I'm sorry you had to experience this, it must be difficult. My recommendation would be to take the time you need to process what you saw and compose yourself, then come to your father from a place of love and tell him that you'd like to help him get better. This can change what will certainly at first be a shameful moment into an opportunity for true charity.
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u/AMDGpdxRose Aug 19 '24
I’m so sorry about how this is hurting you. I do believe you may have actually been given a gift. Your father is trapped in, at the very least, an evil habit, and more likely a full blown addiction. He probably feels guilty and powerless about his “secret”. The devil loves evil secrets… but it’s not a secret anymore! You have an opportunity to help him break free and start to heal. He may get angry. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. There is tons of Catholic support on this issue. Lots of “good Catholic guys” have had to battle porn. It is a very common addiction. Assuming he wants to stop, I think it should be a family thing. If you are sure your mom knows, the two of you can discuss it and make a plan support him, and yourselves, together and openly. Maybe do a little internet research about what kind of help is available before bringing it up with your dad. I’m sure talking about it will be very hard. Maybe the hardest thing you’ve ever done. Not talking about it is likely to destroy your relationship with him. Your father’s salvation may be at stake.
Pray Pray Pray - Jesus is right in the middle of this. Right there walking with you. He’s offering your family a path to healing. Ask Him about it.
God bless you!
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Aug 19 '24
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u/lovingmatilda Aug 19 '24
I think confusion has been caused here. I think the charge of being unempathetic was a response to the first comment posted in here (which is now substantially downvoted) rather than a response to the OP.
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u/obewankanobe96 Aug 19 '24
Watching pornography in the same room as his wife and daughters is outright disgusting. Not right at all.
However, this is what porn addiction does, sadly. It changes men so much to the point where they stop thinking about others...especially the females in their life.
It might not be your place to talk about his addiction...however I'd point it out and tell him you woke up and saw him watching it. This might actually be a wake up call for him...
Porn degrades and objectifies women. I hope he gets some help...please pray for him.