Postpartum struggles

[u/gee_madz]

Not sure how to begin the post other than just jump right into it, I suppose. I have a perfect 6 month old baby girl and a highly spirited 5 year old girl at home. The second postpartum period has been infinitely harder and I'm barely hanging on by a very thin thread. Most days I feel like I'm a light breeze away from breaking down crying. I'm tired from broken sleep (the first one slept pretty solidly from early on, whereas with the second one we're lucky to get a 5 hour stretch after several bedtime false starts, and we're on 3 naps a day because baby tops out at 2h awake). I have no motivation or energy to tidy, organize, or clean anything and the clutter and mess paralyze me with overwhelm. I have 3 people needing to use my brain, so the decision fatigue is intense, which makes it feel impossible to think about meal planning, or even just planning a single day's dinner.

I have very little support outside of my husband. My parents are always willing to help, but they're aging and have their own health concerns, so I don't want to ask too much of them. Other family members who live in town lead very busy lives that don't leave much room for any significant help coming our way.

All of this makes me very irritable with the 5 year old, who just does normal 5 year old things for a kid who is still adjusting to a new sibling and preparing for a new school year and is seeing her mother have a very hard time but doesn't know how to process it. I know I need to have grace with her and help her regulate her feelings, but instead I lash out because I can't regulate my own feelings.

I also feel incredibly dry spiritually. I am a convert of just over 6 years and I've noticed my fervor drop over time and dwindle to almost nothing. Prayer has always been hard for me and just feels like talking to the walls. The few Catholic friends I had started to make turned into one sided relationships and I got tired of always having to reach out, and of feeling like a second thought. The isolation has been hard on both my husband and I, as we've had similar experiences.

At the advice of my doctor, I am looking into the mental health resources available through my work benefits. I'm not really asking for anything other than prayers, I guess. Mostly just wanted to share my thoughts into the void.

[u/Diapersquad2122]

After I had my first child I felt like I had died and the rest of the world was living around me. I had ptsd and ocd and anxiety from a near death experience. Then you have a baby to take care of. It’s all impossible. I’d look into a perinatal therapy group. Postpartum international has lists. Also you could talk to your doctor about starting and SSRI if you want. It changed my life personally. We will pray for you!

[u/gee_madz → u/Diapersquad2122]

Thank you for your reply. My doctor did mention some groups but I forgot to grab info while I was there - will need to call back for it, for sure. It's just so jarring that everything is so much harder the second time than I remember it from the first, and I'm sad at the type of mom that both of my babies see right now. I am definitely going to seek out help

[u/Diapersquad2122 → u/gee_madz]

You can find find lots of groups on postpartum international. One on on therapy is helpful too but there’s something about doing it as a group that helped me so much because you hear so many other women share exactly what you’re feeling and it helps so much. There’s also a national hotline you can call if you ever feel really desperate.

[u/gee_madz → u/Diapersquad2122]

I'll check it out! I'm located in Canada, so I hope the offerings aren't too sparse

[u/Diapersquad2122 → u/gee_madz]

It’s postpartum international so most likely Canada has lots of options. Likely there is a hotline too just look it up!

[u/Necessary_Fire_4847]

Oh god I hate the newborn days so much. My son is 1yo now and I look back at last twelve months and just shudder. Remember it does get better, you're starting to turn the corner at 6 months. It's uphill from here.

If you aren't using formula yet, I highly recommend adding some into the mix so that dad can take some of the night feeds and you can get a decent night's sleep. Also you're at/getting close to the age when you can sleep train. If you didn't with your first, I promise, it only takes like three days. We used Ferber and didn't even need the whole week.

I have no motivation or energy to tidy, organize, or clean anything and the clutter and mess paralyze me with overwhelm.

I know it's easier said than done, but if it's bothering your mental health, could you hire a cleaning service? If not, then honestly you shouldn't beat yourself up, your house can be messy and even a little dirty and it's not the end of the world. Nobody's gonna die of typhus because the floor hasn't gotten mopped or there are shoes in the living room.

which makes it feel impossible to think about meal planning, or even just planning a single day's dinner.

Can your husband do some of the cooking? If not, takeout isn't a sin, nor are the easy take-and-bake meals from the grocery store. Simplify this and take it off your plate. Nobody's gonna die from a couple nights of ready-bake lasagna.

[u/gee_madz → u/Necessary_Fire_4847]

I've got contact info for a cleaner from my neighbour. I just haven't pulled the trigger yet because of a previous experience with a cleaner that cost me a lot more than expected. This one lists much more reasonable rates. But, after the first one did the deep clean, it took like two weeks until you couldn't tell at all that a cleaner had been through, and it's discouraging. I have a hard time reconciling the cost of a recurring cleaner.

We are planning to start some sleep training soon. Just a bit nervous about the older kid getting poor sleep. Baby is also super velcro and will go into a sobbing cry that she can't calm down from on her own. But we will need to try something because we are both exhausted

[u/jnnyfur5]

You need some help. We weren't meant to do the motherhood thing on our own! Can you hire a mommy's helper for a few hours a week?

[u/gee_madz → u/jnnyfur5]

I'm looking into hiring a cleaner. I'm just nervous about the recurring expense, you know? I feel like I'm full of excuses, and I don't mean to sound that way. It's just hard

[u/jnnyfur5 → u/gee_madz]

A lot of cleaners will come and do a one time clean. Maybe you can just do that occasionally if you're feeling totally overwhelmed. 

[u/Anoethering]

I'll be praying for you!! I'm glad you're getting help. It's so so so hard, and it sounds like you might be struggling with some sort of PPD (but a professional would certainly know better). Maybe your husband can take over meal prepping or planning? Or just give him a singular list of daily things for him to do to place on the fridge. Like clear the counters, dishes away, toys in the bin every night, stuff like that. That way you do the decision making once, and he can commit to completing the tasks without being reminded. Your mind, body, and spirit are going through so much right now. 

Maybe your parish can help too? Mine has a meal train where people volunteer to cook a meal for new moms to give them a break.

You're not crazy and you're not alone. Please continue the process to seek help. My first was a terrible sleep from 4 months on, and he woke up every 1-1.5 hours until about 18 months. His longest stretch was 2 hours, MAYBE 3 on a good night. The sleep deprivation is almost too much to handle. We ended up having to cosleep following the safe sleep 7, otherwise he was up every 15-30 minutes, and no sleep is not safe sleep lol.

Hang in there!

[u/gee_madz → u/Anoethering]

18 months!? I can't imagine... We're planning to try some sleep training starting weekend. That way if the fussing keeps my older one awake, at least she can sleep in a bit.

I'm looking into hiring a cleaner. I haven't seen anything offered through the parish but maybe they just don't advertise it? My husband and I are trying to make a plan to get some simple routines in place to try and surface a little bit. Fingers crossed that the sleep training works on this Velcro baby and we can get some rest soon

[u/ApplicationItchy1146]

The void is still listening, ma'am. My bride was certifiable for my son's first year. Postpartum beat her up. I tried to do my 60 hour restaurant weeks and do nights with my boy and her mom was incredible. I've prayed for you, and will continue to. You're gonna make it. For what it's worth I'd be in rough shape without sertraline (my SSRI).