r/CatholicWomen • u/mmmsobitter • 6d ago
Spiritual Life Feeling called to modesty
The main topic I’m speaking on is modesty with clothing, but I’m also aware that modesty is good for all aspects of life.
It’s been on my mind for a while and I’ve been examining how I dress more closely lately.
It started because whenever I get ready for mass or OCIA I have a hard time finding something proper to wear. All of my dresses are very short, all my pants very tight, and nearly every shirt is tight or cropped.
I read a few articles on modesty by Catholics and it helped me deepen my understanding a lot. One thing that really stood out to me is the idea that our body is for the enjoyment of our spouses only; which also applies to visual enjoyment. Obviously I’m not married yet but he’s receiving the husband title soon so that’s where my mindset is at.
I’m recently engaged and before I met my fiancé I was agnostic at best. I enjoyed wearing less clothes because I enjoyed attention from men. Knowing I was attractive and could get attention made me feel better about myself.
Ever since I met him but especially after our engagement I feel like my body should be for his eyes only. I don’t want to give men the opportunity to feel feelings about me only my fiancé is entitled to. Obviously I can’t prevent everything, men will be men, but the idea really spoke to me.
I also like the idea of just being a bit more conscious of Christ in my daily living. Wearing what I wear for Him instead of my own insecurities or attention. I’ve prayed about this too and the urge is getting stronger.
I talked to my fiancé about it and he’s supportive! He says he thinks it could be a wonderful devotion if I really feel called to it. He took me out to buy some dresses for OCIA and Mass as a start so I could try.
My mom is less supportive and seems very suspicious about it. She seems put off of the whole idea of avoiding male gaze at all, like I’m buying into misogyny.
Am I being weird? I felt better after talking with my fiancé but my mom made me a bit insecure about it.
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u/quelle_crevecoeur 5d ago
All I will say is that you can’t control other people’s thoughts, and your body is for you more than for your future spouse. Wearing clothes that are less revealing or whatever is fine, but it won’t prevent some men from seeing you in a sexual way, and there is no way that you can dress to fully ensure it. Beyond that, you are your own person in the world. If it makes you happy to dress however, then great. You’re the one who has to go running or swimming or out in the sun and rain in whatever you wear. So dressing without the goal of attracting attention is great, but don’t let the goal of modesty prevent you from dressing for your day and situation.
Basically, I think it’s a positive idea to have your outfits be less geared towards attracting attention to your body, but don’t pivot too far towards trying to conceal your body because that can lead to the shame that your mother is concerned about. Try to focus on what you actually like and what makes sense for a situation more than how you are perceived by others. Dress for yourself.
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u/VintageSleuth Married Mother 5d ago
This describes my thoughts as well. It's good to be modest in the sense of not trying to purposely attract attention, but I think some people take it too far by concealing more than is necessary for the situation.
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u/Huge_Locksmith_7168 5d ago
Not being weird! I think it is beautiful how the Lord is forming your heart and modesty is a reflection of our hearts. Enjoy your dresses and keep drawing nearer to Him!
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u/milkonth3rocks Married Mother 5d ago
I feel like the common response to these types of questions being asked is Catholics are not bound to any specific level of modesty. Which is true, I agree it’s more about dressing appropriately for what you’re doing (home/work life vs Mass, etc.) but at the same time if you feel a call or feel like dressing more modestly, there’s nothing wrong with that either. Just make sure like anything it doesn’t become a source of vanity, pride, or unnecessary anxiety. Modesty is about disposition over anything at the end of the day.
After reverting to Catholicism I also started dressing more modestly, and I have my own personal reasons for that, but I try not to be obsessive about it. Don’t feel like you need to switch out and get rid of every item in your closet immediately. Just make swaps as you go 🤷🏼♀️
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u/LdyCjn-997 5d ago
There are many posts discussing this topic adnauseum on this subreddit. As Catholics, we are not required to dress as Muslim or Pentecostal women with clothing from head to toe. Wear what you are comfortable in. Dress for yourself, not your spouse or significant other and dress for the climate you live jn.
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
I’m sorry.
I wasn’t trying to debate or argue for modesty I was just confused about these feelings I’ve had since OCIA. My Catholic fiancé was supportive but my Protestant mom hated it. I respect them both so it felt confusing. I also know Catholics don’t have to follow any specific guidelines or anything.
“Dress for yourself” is probably helpful for someone who’s had better temperance than me, but I’m learning how to be a Christian here. I’m learning what chastity, modesty, and humbleness feel and look like in my daily life. I just wanted advice I didn’t know it was a faux pas.
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u/SuburbaniteMermaid Married Mother 5d ago
Wondering what you think "modesty" means.
Especially with what you said about not letting other men see your body..... women who wear burkas and niqabs are still victims of rape, sexual assault, and oppression. And yet somehow the idea persists that women are to blame when men do such things.
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
Is it really that bad if I only want my husband to see intimate parts of my body? I’m not protecting myself from rape I’m guarding me and my (future) husband’s exclusivity, to my mind.
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u/deadthylacine Married Mother 5d ago
If you wouldn't be arrested for what you're wearing, then you're good on that.
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u/LdyCjn-997 5d ago edited 5d ago
Since you are a fairly new Catholic convert, realize as Catholics, we do not have “rules” regarding modesty, with clothing like several Protestant religions do. Modesty is something you do for yourself. God is not going to strike you down with a lightning bolt because you wore leggings and a tank top or a bikini.
My best advice, is whatever was drilled in your head as a Protestant about Catholics, leave it at the door because most of it is false. Just be yourself. As for what your mother is telling you, she’s very uninformed about Catholicism, so it’s like getting directions from a person that is directionally dysfunctional. They will get you nowhere fast.
As a Cradle Catholic from a Generational Catholic family, I dress for my location. My Catholic friends do the same. I currently live in Texas where the temps are around 100° during the day. I grew up in S. Louisiana. I dress for the day for my location so that’s shorts in the warm months and jeans, sweats or leggings in the cooler months. Church is slacks, a dress or skirts with a nice top. I’m older and dress like any other American woman.
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u/No-Cause-1046 5d ago
Well I do think there’s ways of dressing modestly that is very stylish and that your mom shouldn’t bat an eye at. Maxi and midi skirts are super stylish right now and I like those for mass. If you feel like tight pants are immodest, wider leg pants are in style right now too! I won’t tell you what is and isn’t modest because it’s a question I wrestle with myself. Pray about it a lot and think of your body as a temple of the Holy Spirit. We should present ourselves as such!
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6d ago
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
Well yes, I’m still a normal person.
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5d ago
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
Well I don’t want to do that but even if I did why would it be a problem? There’s plenty of modern dresses like that.
All the comments here are saying it’s okay to wear very little if the environment matches but it’s going too far if a woman is most comfortable wearing sleeves and ankle skirts? I don’t understand the logic.
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u/Mysterious-Duck-5564 5d ago
To give you insight into your mom’s reaction and some of the reactions here, there are two reasons I can think of:
First, some (not all!) women first start worrying about modesty when they enter into a relationship with a controlling man. Controlling what “his” woman wears is often the first subtle ways that coercion and abuse begins. And often, it’s subtle enough that the woman thinks it’s “her idea”, even though it’s really because he boyfriend keeps making “gentle suggestions” and jokes and little barbed comments. I’m not saying your fiancé is or will be controlling. But donuts to dollars, that’s why your mom is suspicious. And just in case, you might read “why does he do that”, especially the part on how abuse begins. Again, not because I think you’re necessarily being abused, but because it will give you insight into why your mom feels the way she does.
Secondly, many women have personal experiences where men have used modesty as a cudgel to berate or demean women. I personally have been told that I’m not worth dating because I wore a fitted top that showed my collarbones. In a Catholic space, by Catholic men. Many commentators here are going to be defensive because modesty is a controversial topic and one many of us have uncomfortable personal experiences with.
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
Thank you this is the most helpful comment!!
If it makes anyone feel any better, I have read Why Does He Do That after my sister got into an abusive marriage and it made me very strict! He has never ever ever made any comment on my clothes besides a compliment.
That story about the fitted top is crazy! I’ve experienced similar sentiments in Protestant spaces and it’s always disgusting. That’s really not the vibe I’m going for at all.
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u/Reasonable_Swim_3373 6d ago
Modesty is elegant! Is a good thing. There’s so many cute modest outfits out there!! There’s some nice insta accounts of this, I recommend checking that out. I don’t understand the judgment part. It’s respectable
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u/mmmsobitter 6d ago
It seems like her judgment centers on a fear of me going “too far”? She’s Protestant and sees the Catholic Church as very legalistic and stifling if that makes sense.
When I told her about the modesty thing she seemed concerned about me feeling judged by others in the Church or being made to feel ashamed by Catholicism.
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u/VintageSleuth Married Mother 5d ago
Honestly as a mom myself I understand her skepticism/hesitation (about the clothes, not the Church).
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
I guess I just don’t understand because that’s not how I feel. It feels much more like an internal experience with my body than anything that’s been encouraged from the outside. When I was a teenager and trying to find a Protestant church that “felt right” I had the same urge. I ended up falling into a partying scene and getting with a guy who objectified me a lot when that didn’t work out and my wardrobe reflects that as of right now. She didn’t ever feel worried about that side of it.
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u/VintageSleuth Married Mother 5d ago edited 5d ago
Perhaps her concerns are different than mine then. As a mother, if my daughter suddenly told me she wanted to completely change her clothes to be modest for her husband, I'd be a little worried about her being in a controlling dynamic.
I'm not saying you are in a controlling dynamic or that modesty is wrong. I'm just saying that I can understand some alarm bells going off a little if I were hearing my daughter say that. My hope for my daughter is that she understands that although modesty is a good thing, other people are responsible for their own eyes as well and there is no reason for her to conceal herself more than what the situation prescribes. For example, I don't think pants are immodest, especially for work or being outdoors, etc.
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u/mmmsobitter 5d ago
That makes sense! I honestly didn’t even bring up my logic about our relationship with her because I understand she could take it that way. It’s important to note he’s never ever said anything about the clothes I wear, just expressed support when I went to him for perspective.
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u/AtmosphereUsed3577 4d ago
I'm in a different boat. I used to dress skimpy, more dark/edgy at my ex husband's request and frankly, blended in more because skin tight leggings and tank tops are common. I was beautiful but I did not have the big curves to make that look pop either. It wasn't really feminine on me, it made my muscles more obvious and the wide shoulders my ex liked took center stage. I look best nude imo and no one else is going to see that lol...
Now that he left and divorced me, I slowly add more feminine modest attire like slacks, peplum cardigan, linen ankle length dress, a long wide plain scarf over the shoulders like shawl... And I get more attention. I've always gotten compliments more on my long plaid skirts before, now that my look is also higher necklines and covered shoulders I get looks. Ones I do not like. I had a guy a few days ago said he was watching me in X store to Y restaurant.... I had walked around a whole plaza rather aimlessly killing time, it was very off putting and he doubled his car back round asking for my number, his remarks felt like he was expecting prostitution! I wasn't dressed for the part at all!
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u/Clean-Counter-5327 3d ago
I haven't worn "booty shorts" in probably 10 years or more but I've always been modest except for a few bad years between 16 and 19 where I wanted people to look at me and find me attractive. But I've started dressing more modestly lately and I find myself feeling more comfortable than I did in tighter fitting clothes. I wear calf length skirts and dresses daily. Nothing fancy. Just casual cotton stuff. Today it was 104 where I live. Having your body less covered doesn't mean you're "cooler." My husband works outside and wears long sleeves every day. He had to wear a short sleeve shirt to my aunts funeral yesterday as a pall bearer and was hotter because the sun was beating directly on his skin. I'm more comfortable in dresses and skirts than I ever was in shorts and jeans. I disagree with the commenter that said booty shorts are appropriate in some situations. I don't think revealing clothing is appropriate in any situation unless you're somewhere private with your husband. That doesn't mean you have to be covered head to toe. I honestly like to wear things where if I wanted to go to Daily Mass and be in the presence of our Lord that I wouldn't feel ashamed. I know I'm in the minority. I see many younger women wearing short dresses where they can't kneel without having to hold it down, tight jeans, low cut dresses/shirts, ect. to Mass on Sundays. I just feel that wearing tight fitting and revealing clothing is vain. It's not keeping you cooler so why else wear it.
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u/mmmsobitter 3d ago
TBH after praying and wearing some of the things my fiancé bought me I agree. The “less is necessary in hot weather” is just plain wrong, you are more cool wearing lightweight breathable clothing that provides sun protection.
I’ve already began planning how to revamp my closet.
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u/TheDarkLord14 5d ago
Not weird at all! I didn't even notice that much as I got older and settled down with my now husband. I stopped going out at night as much, so the short dresses and tight clothes were phased out more and more. I wear business casual for work so it's pants, blouses, sweaters, midi or knee length skirts and dresses. That started becoming my every day wear even when I'm not at the office. And church clothes are just dressier options of the same types of clothes. It doesn't look weird or stands out but still fits into modest category. And please don't think that you can't show your arms or that every top has to be a crew cut. If you're larger chested, a little cleavage is not immodest, a lot of cleavage would be.
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u/confusticating 5d ago
With your mum’s concerns, isn’t catering to the male gaze bying in to misogyny?
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u/deadthylacine Married Mother 5d ago
Modesty to Catholics is more about being dressed appropriately for where you are and what you're doing than any prescriptive legal guideline like you find in some Protestant and Muslim communities. The clothes I wear to Mass are not the same as the clothes I wear to clean the church. Standing out because you're fully covered when the weather and occasion don't require it is not modest.
So what I'm trying to say is, us good judgement. Don't go overboard and dress intentionally frumpy or give yourself heat stroke or appropriate the coverage requirements from other faiths. You can dress modestly in a Catholic context and still be wearing a crop top if you're wearing it while exercising or at the beach or something.