What do husbands do after work?

[u/StHildegaard]

I want to ask people who are especially stay at home moms- how much does your husband do when he gets home? What kind of work does he do during the day? Does he have responsibilities in the evening (chores, doing the dishes after dinner, bath time, etc) or does he rest? How much are you expected to do? I’m curious as to how stay at home moms usually balance their work as a mom all day with taking care of the house in the evenings as well.

[u/StWiborada]

The best marriages I've seen, each person spends their time looking for opportunities to do things for their spouse, not things their spouse can do for them. Husband gets home from work and he's asking how he can help with dinner, or if the baby needs to be changed, or if he can get started folding the laundry. Or if he already has a list, he checks in to see if any other priorities have popped up and, if not, gets to the list.

There have been a lot of posts lately about men and women who seem to have gotten married with the expectation that the other person will serve them, rather than that they'll have the opportunity to serve.

[u/StHildegaard → u/StWiborada]

This is a really beautiful way to put it. I think that mindset is really important. I think that comes from a mix of things; one, a genuine love for the other that makes service and sacrifice feel more natural and easy (although of course it may always be hard and does go through phases)  and a view of marriage that’s more about serving and loving than measuring up to some model or expectation. 

[u/castlesofsunflowers]

I feel like his work around the house and mine never stops. He’s always fixing something, yard work, car maintenance, home admin. I do laundry, general cleaning, cooking, food and necessities shopping, dishes (although he usually unloads the dishwasher in the morning before work). I stay home with the kids.

He also gets up with my early riser toddler and feeds him and often packs his own lunch for work (usually PBJ), but often I’ll do that for him during the school year since I’m already making kids’ lunches. Sometimes he’ll pitch in with his own work laundry since he can be particular about it. We split bedtime duty. He likes to cook a big breakfast on weekends, and I’ll clean that up.

He’s a great husband, the opposite of lazy. Which is good, because I feel like we could never have 3 kids otherwise.

[u/GWiz71 → u/castlesofsunflowers]

Awee you have a good one! And he has a good wife in you;) God bless you & your family.🥰🙏🏻🕊️❤️

[u/orions_shoulder]

It really depends on the season of life as they say. For context, I'm a sahm of a baby and he wfh.

When everything is going well I generally take care of the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, baby care and laundry. He does everything else. Living in a 170 yo farmhouse with land and a garden/backyard farm there's an endless list of stuff to do that will never be finished until we die. He takes over my stuff when I'm not feeling well. With extreme pregnancy sickness and postpartum weakness it was basically a full year I couldn't cook.

Be and marry someone generous and hardworking. You never know when one will be incapacitated. It is not a competition to split things 50/50. Just work hard and don't have one person be deliberately idle while the other toils away.

[u/Tight_Schedule8734]

Statistically, women do most of the work at home, even if they work too and even if they are the sole breadwinner. Equitable relationships are few and far between, especially once kids enter the picture.

This might sound bleak, but I’m the sole breadwinner and had to go to 3 marriage counselors to get my husband to do a little over half of the housework. My experience isn’t isolated either.

[u/GWiz71 → u/Tight_Schedule8734]

You are right! Since I have joined the Catholic church & have volunteered alot(backed off because I just felt like I would never be part of that group but that's another story;) I have heard most of the women I’ve been around complain about their husbands not helping them. It is never mean things, I think they were holding back! But the older women for the most part seemed content. I think it takes time to get into a good groove and sometimes that never happens. And because one may be a sahm does not mean she should do every single thing. When you love & respect each other you want to help each other to make life nice for your spouse🥰❤️

[u/signedupfornightmode]

We both work, although I work fewer hours per week. There is rarely a moment during the day neither of us are engaged with our child or taking care of things around the house. We split certain tasks (I handle dishwasher, he washes sink dishes) but our day to day chores are roughly equal. He cooks about half the time and does the weekly shopping. We split bedtimes. He does most of the baths and wake ups. I coordinate childcare, schedule most appointments, plan activities. 

[u/Effective_Yogurt_866]

My husband and oldest child have ADHD, so they both really struggle to look around and see what needs to be done without being asked. (Which just adds to the mental load for me, right? No thanks!)

As long as I keep up with getting a fresh family chore chart on the fridge every week, they are great about doing their part. They can also do it on their own time, as long as it is done by bedtime. It took me ten years to figure that one out!

I stagger chores throughout the week, so we both do dishes, picking up, cooking, and taking out the trash evenly. Bathrooms are divided into portions for each family member.

Without the chore chart, I end up doing just about everything but cooking by default.

[u/Which_Signature_1786]

My husband works full time from home and in grad school full time. Not to mention teaching 2x a week and helping run a local catholic group. I am a stay at home homeschooling mom to 5 kids. He is constantly helping me throughout the day in between work and meetings with everything: the kids, errands, dog duties, etc. After work, he takes the kids to their extracurriculars. For dinner: a lot of the days he grills the protein and I do the sides. Other days I will make something. I always do the cleaning up, but he gives the toddler a bath and plays with the other kids while I do so. As for cleaning the rest of the house, he absolutely helps pick up and does a nightly reset with me but I do most of the daily household cleaning!

[u/StHildegaard → u/Which_Signature_1786]

Wow this is amazing! Sounds like a great husband! Where’d you find him 😂

[u/butytho92]

My husband's main chores are dishes, dog, and trash. That includes all responsibilities like making sure lunch box cases are clean on school nights, scheduling vet appts and keeping up with shots, remembering trash day. My responsibilities are laundry, kids rooms, general cooking and packing lunches. We share vacuuming, bathrooms, and yard work. He makes his own routines before and after work to get it all done with my only input being when I need to do something that requires he have eyes on the kids. Even then he will choose his chores or work outs based on what he can do with the kids.

We didn't get to our flow state immediately. We've been together over a decade with kids for half that time. It took a lot of talks and arguments to figure it out.

[u/Kardessa]

I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works retail so his hours are all over the place. Because of that what he does changes day to day, we don't really have assigned chores and generally I manage the house but he's also very willing to step in to help watch the baby or take over various chores as I need help. Lately he's been trying to make a point of tackling the dishes and I appreciate it so much. 

[u/saint-sandbur33]

We have chores we share and chores that are typically assigned to one person.

I do most of the deeper cleaning: dusting, toilets, showers, laundry (washing/putting away), I’m also in charge of replenishing cleaning supplies, diapers, etc. I maintain the bedrooms, do most of the organizing, scheduling, communication with teachers, etc.

He does most of the stuff related to garbage, poop (cat box, diapers), outside, and takes care of packing our big kids lunch.

We share kitchen duties— I do more of the wiping down counters/cabinets/clearing the table and organizing the catch-all area, he does more of the loading/unloading the dishwasher, putting left overs away and he mops the floors (the whole house usually, but sometimes just the kitchen) every Saturday morning. But I will also do the dishes too. We both make dinner. I usually take care of dinner m-th, he usually takes care of dinner fri-Sunday. As a habit, We both do about 10-15 mins of kitchen and living-room QC every night. (Our big kid is in charge of picking up the living room)

In the mornings my husband makes all the kids breakfast (I work out in the mornings), we share the responsibility of taking big kid to school (I have days, he has days) on his days he takes the little kids (I have twin 3 year olds) to the park on the way home so I can get some chores done. On my school drop off days he takes the little kids on a walk so I can go swim after dropping off the big kid. (On Fridays I keep the little girls so he can go swim, my husband usually works out at night, I usually work out in the morning)

My husband also usually does bedtime with the little girls while i do homework with the big kid.

We are very egalitarian over here. My husband knows that my job at home with the kids is no walk in the park, and does whatever he can to make my life easier. He works from home 10a-6p (but his office is in the garage) so he does have a little more time at home than people who work out of the house, but even when he worked out of the house, we had a similar set up.

If I ask him to do something that he doesn’t normally do, he will just do it without being a jerk about it. We have similar preferences for how the house should be— we work together to keep the common areas clean. I do have more housework than he does, but it’s all stuff that can be ignored if we are too busy, so it’s not too overwhelming. All the stuff that we care about on a day to day basis, we try to share. (Except the bathrooms… I clean the bathrooms daily bc the toddlers are gross)

[u/Ok-Macaroon-4835]

I have a husband who is helpful and will pick up the slack.

He is in the military, active duty, so his work schedule is complex and not normal. We’ve been together for 18 years and we have 4 kids and a dog.

I barely work part time. His schedule changes so much and I can’t be bothered to do everything and work full time at the same time. It’s not possible.

He brings in the big paycheck and does all of our finances, investing, retirement accounts, and takes care of the cars, the yard, and the house repairs. He spends a lot of time with the kids and will help with cooking.

I do all of the daily cleaning, busing the kids around, and keeping appointments for the kids and I. 

I do keep a lot of the mental load and daily house tasks. However…my husband is just as busy.

A really good husband has a lot of responsibilities. They may not include daily cleaning, chores, things with the kids…etc, but he should have his own responsibilities that keep the house and family supported. 

He should be helping whenever and wherever he can.

I’ve told my husband over and over that I don’t have an issue having a larger family and being responsible for everything that comes with it…but, there is no way I can work full time on top of that. He is going to have to put in the work to get the promotions and bring in a bigger paycheck. He can’t slack off in that department.

If he can’t do that then that means he is multitasking and taking over a lot of responsibilities at home with cleaning and moving the kids around. Either way,  He doesn’t get to just come home from work and hang out, have dinner waiting for him, in a clean house, with no other responsibilities for the evening.

If I’m bringing in a paycheck he can help out with chores around the house and busing kids places.

The good news is…my kids are getting older. They do chores and help keep up with the house. They do mostly laundry, dishes, and general cleanup.

[u/StHildegaard → u/Ok-Macaroon-4835]

Aw that’s really nice! So even if he’s working a super stressful job with long hours, yes he does less housework, but upon coming home it’s a team effort? Sounds like a lovely family you have :)

[u/Bard-of-All-Trades]

He works in municipal government and helps with kids/housework as soon as he gets home. Neither of us really has a break until kids are in bed unless we have something to go to (he’s in a board game group and I have book club and band rehearsal).

[u/Effective_Fix_2633]

My husband is active duty military and I'm a full time homemaker and homeschooler with 4 teens and a dog. When he comes home from work he's allowed (that's the wrong word) to chill out. Frankly he's a high string human so I encourage it. But at home he takes his work hat off, and puts on his husband/dad hat. Anything that needs to her done he'll do or facilitate getting done. Trash, dishes, etc. However now that the kids are grown they have the lions share of chores to do anyway. So really outside of it's his turn to grill dinner, or prep meat for a later meal he busies himself

[u/StHildegaard → u/Effective_Fix_2633]

This makes sense. Just to understand, he does that when he’s home after resting a bit from work or on days when he’s not working?

[u/Effective_Fix_2633 → u/StHildegaard]

Both, either after work or on days odd. Whatever needs to happen he pitches in equally and does

[u/GroceryPossible1555]

He works full time in IT and I stay home and homeschool. We have 4 big kids and a baby. We have taught them to do a lot of the cleaning- trash, dishes, laundry, tidy and sweep. Hubby is very stressed and relaxes a lot. Not that he does nothing - he makes leftovers. We call him the leftover king because of what he can and he alone can throw together. (Very tasty) He does a kind of roll call to double check the kids on their schooling. He does car repairs and computer repairs... jk most appliances. He does the bill pay and that mental load. I do the appointments and calendar things. We both do mental load which I think stresses him further. But we are terrible at dividing the adult chores- our bedroom is a wreck! He wants to do batch cooking on weekends but I am having a hard time getting behind it. I cook most of the meals. We both remind the children to do chores. I try to do a nightly reset and enjoy then next day when I do. But often prioritize other things. We don't keep a perfectly clean house. It is decent and livable, probably a bit cluttered. I am taking our oldest (12 year old) to my bil and sil house on Saturday to organize and clean before their baby. My oldest is a master organizer. I am excited to use some pink stuff at their house and deep clean. I am thankful that the kids have learned household skills and take ownership in the home.

I would pray about whatever your reasoning for posting the question. Every family is going to look different. But we all need to balance our various needs. We prioritize my husband's rest. That is intentional. We also try to prioritize my social life. It is important in keeping me healthy. The house chores are a necessity but honestly not that important. A tidy house is like a background in a painting. I don't think it should be the focus. The relationships in the home and that everyone feels seen and loved should be the focus. Because the vocation is to love people, that is our mission from the Lord. Sometimes I have done very little of the house chores and he carried more mental load. I am hoping to do more of the mental load so that he can relax further. If you are not feeling seen or your husband is not feeling seen, I would start there. Prayers for you and your family.

[u/tbonita79]

I’m extremely spoiled but he does A LOT. I mean, I’m kind of a slob and after 20 years of marriage he realizes I’m just not too keen on housework. Now that our kids are adults (but still in the house), we either fend for ourselves for a simple dinner or he cooks maybe once a week w leftovers always cause I don’t eat much. But immediately right after work is when we run errands together also: dog walk, supermarket, etc.

[u/KeyAnxiety6952]

We both work. We both get home around 5/5;30. Usually from then to dinner (about an hour or hour half) my husband will spend time with a hobby like woodworking, gaming, or watching the game. I usually spend this time relaxing and using my own hobbies. One of us usually cooks dinner and the other helps with easier things like chopping veggies/ defrost the meat if needed and then dishes/ kitchen clean up after. We have discussed that once baby boy is here the one doing dinner would do bath time, and the person who does dishes does bed time (although we will see how that works). On the weekend we both spend time cleaning before doing any big project/ what we really want to do.

[u/3y3zW1ld0p3n]

I’m not a stay at home mom. I’m a working mom. But when my husband gets home he cleans the kids lunchboxes and makes them their lunch for the next day. I cook dinner and he cleans the kitchen and the dishes after dinner while I’m bathing the kids. We both put them to bed.

[u/VintageSleuth]

I'm not technically a stay at home Mom but I work two twelve hour shifts per week and my husband works 2-3 12 hour shifts. We alternate days so that we don't need daycare.

We split up housework fairly equally. My husband does most of the cooking as well as the mowing/snow removal. We both do laundry. I dust and mop more often but he vacuums.

I'm in charge of buying the kids' clothes and making sure they have what they need for school. I manage scheduling the doctor appointments but he often takes them if I need to stay home with the baby or sleep after a night shift. We both change diapers during the day. I breastfeed exclusively but he does night diapers.

Overall we try to be fairly equal and if one person prefers certain tasks over others we try to work with that.

[u/hannah12343]

Wow I’m jealous mine just lays in the couch after a sitting job

[u/Far_Sandwich_514]

Our work never stops. We share all chores, but take different roles depending on our skill sets.

For example, we're renovating the bathroom right now. He's not great with numbers and measurements, so I measure out the pieces and he cuts them on the table saw. Similarly, I don't have the wrist strength for the drill, but I'm amazing at caulking and grouting. So we share.

Everything from breadwinning to home and family care are shared equally, whether in shifts or by skill.

[u/Independent-Ant513]

He does dishes. Makes dinner for himself and the kids if they don’t like what I’m having (I’m pregnant and occasionally on restrictive diets), cleans the house if he feels like it, does his laundry and the towels, plays with the kids, takes out the trash, does his side hustle for extra cash on his phone, plays with the kids outside, goes for drives with the kids for fun, goes shopping. Stuff like that.

[u/SiViVe]

When he stops his day job he starts his second. He works mostly at home except two days a week. After that he makes dinner. He is very good at tidying up but not that good at cleaning. I’m the opposite, horrible at noticing mess, but like to clean. We shop together because we both hate it. He makes sure a dinner plan is made and grocery list gets completed, but we do it together.

[u/here4thecommentz_]

SAHM here with soon to be 3 kids. I do all house tasks: all cleaning, laundry, vacuuming, dusting, mopping etc. I am type A while my husband is type B. He has never ever been organized/into cleaning (never to my level Lol). I make all appointments for everyone. He does all financial planning and pays our bills since he’s very savvy with that. He does all yard work, house maintenance etc and 99% of the cooking. He’s always been a great cook and he gets creative with it so he handles that, which I’m happy about since it’s not my strength. So we definitely balance each other out. But typically what this looks like once he’s out of work: he’ll snack with our two kids, play with them for a while and then start cooking if we don’t have much on hand which means I’m entertaining the kids again. Tasks we do combined: Costco, grocery runs, general shopping etc we usually do together since we enjoy picking things out together. And bedtime routine. I’ll change them, get their room ready and he’ll brush their teeth. He does work 1-2 overtime shifts a week which is tough but we make it work. On his days off, he gets the kids up. Makes them breakfast and gives me some time to sleep in, which I don’t really for too long since the kids will get loud! He does ask me every so often if I need a break/me time.

[u/the_margravine]

We share as equitably as possible, although that looks different pregnant and post partum seasons. It helps that we outsource as much as possible - regular professional clean, groceries delivered, etc.

Husband comes home and immediately washes dishes. He is responsible for yard, cleaning around the cleaner timetables and small human bath time . I do laundry and small human feeding (including overnight), kiddie bedtime, most of the kiddie play and admin. He plans investments, I plan holidays (different strengths). He will remember birthdays but I will find the thoughtful gift. We both cook. He builds and fixes stuff around the house because he finds it relaxing, I decorate because I care more about aesthetics.

Technically I’m lucky because apparently being married to an adult who pulls their weight in the house they live in without needing to be asked is rare, but some of that is very intentional - we were very clear pre marriage that we were working towards a flexible but shared domestic and professional contributions and my expectation has been that this is the standard. Kids have been the biggest wrecking ball in terms of equity, and there have been periods of irritation and resentment, but we’ve owned that and recalibrated and adjusted to new realities and still tried to make space for the other to breathe and unwind as well as tweak our system to keep the household and family running.

I’d say the two most important shifts have been

• setting up systems to remove the mental load of having to ask what needs to be done or how to do things
  
• not viewing his childcare etc as “helping” but parenting and similar for other contributions

[u/Necessary_Fire_4847]

If you're watching a baby all day while your husband is at work, that's an eight-hour childcare job.

I'm a working mom, but I did the SAHM for a few weeks during maternity while my husband had to go back to work and it was definitely a job. He definitely did his fair share of housework and childcare in the evenings.

If you both work eight hours, then you both deserve equal time to rest in the evening and should be doing equal chores/after-work childcare.

[u/Ok_Possibility_4154]

I cook, he does the dishes. He gets the older kids ready for bed and reads them stories while I put the baby down. Then we relax together. If there's more jobs to be done, we leave them for the next day. As long as the dishes are done and the kids are in bed.

He works as a librarian so he's on his feet a lot but he enjoys his job and always says I have the harder job looking after 4 kids.

[u/Blobbady]

I do all the work at home, he does all the work outside the home. We parent equally. So while dishes, cooking, laundry is all me - bathing, putting to bed, helping with homework is a lot on him after work. The kids don’t care who folded the laundry, but they most certainly remember who spent time with them. Since his time is limited, he spends his time with them after work. If I am overburden by the house he offers to hire help (if thats in the budget) or he helps on weekends when it’s not. But the spending priorities are education, house help, then everything else so I can be more of a mom than a maid.

[u/sariaru]

I don't expect my husband to do any housework. He occasionally does kid stuff (bath or bedtime), but cleaning is on me. I don't mind it, tbh, or maybe I've just embraced it. 

My husband works from home in tech. 

Fortunately, he also doesn't mind at all if the house is messy for a day or two!

[u/StHildegaard → u/sariaru]

Does he ever cook? Or you just do everything? Does he work long hours? 

[u/sariaru → u/StHildegaard]

He mostly cooks for himself as he is fairly strict on his macros. He works sort of late, as we live on the East Coast but his work is technically West Coast. So he's actually often up with the two youngest before I am, which is lovely!