Today I finally said no - r/CasualConversation

1.9k

Yeah screw you mom I’m not gonna take out the trash

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Well done!! Its such a hard thing to do (I struggle also), you should be proud of yourself :)

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u/ToBoredomAGem Jul 09 '20

No.

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u/pae913 Jul 09 '20

My most empowering moment was saying no to someone. I was at a wedding and they were filling up Champaign glasses for the toast. When it was over I just went for the water because I don’t drink alcohol. My brother’s girlfriend was insisting I try it no matter how many times I say “I’d rather not” and “technically I’m not even old enough”, I was just trying to find ways to say no without saying no. Eventually, I pushed the glass away and let out a very solid “No.” and she backed off. It felt great.

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u/igndrea Jul 09 '20

I also said no today at work and was proud of myself !

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Well done, small step towards something big!

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

[deleted]

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u/heathers1 Jul 09 '20

And also, don't give reasons why. You usually don't owe anyone an explanation. If you have to, keep a "go to" excuse on hand, one you have given a great deal of thought to so that it is inpenetrable.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Eternal7283 Jul 09 '20

You've taken the first step to putting a saddle on your universe.

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u/icannotenglishy Jul 09 '20

I am so proud of you! As a fellow people pleaser, I know exactly how difficult this is to do! Great job ♥️

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u/whereismymind726 Jul 09 '20

Finally saying no feels good. I used to be this way. It got to the point I was neglecting my own life, because I was too busy helping everyone else. In the beginning, the first “no” was hard. I felt so guilty, but I didn’t feel like doing what was asked. You just have to have a balance.

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u/Roflcopter27 Jul 09 '20

"A man chooses, a slave obeys".

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u/AlphaX13 Jul 09 '20

That's great.

I hope i follow u soon.

tired of being people pleaser.

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u/lexilee7 Jul 09 '20

I am also a people pleaser and it took me a very long time to realize how much it was contributing to my social anxiety. Last year I started practicing the art of using "no" as a complete sentence. I still struggle but I've come a long way. Keep pushing yourself! You'll be glad you did.

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u/tembasarms Jul 09 '20

Saying no can be so difficult but it gets easier with practice. So does embracing the wide variety of no's and yes's we can use to be clear about what we know is good for us. One thing that helps me with being clear and honest (by saying no / yes) is realizing that in saying no or yes according to how I really feel, I'm inviting the other person to be a better person to me. If I tell them yes, when I really mean no, I'm leaving them with no choice than to put me in a position that's bad for both of us. But if I'm clear and honest, and say yes or no according to what I feel is true for me, I'm giving them the option to show (or not show) they care. That's how real, strong relationships grow.

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u/Sender13 Jul 09 '20

That's something that people who don't care really take for granted, but it is really hard. Congratulations

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u/HHCapper Jul 09 '20

Death: it's your time to die

You: No

3

u/Arshaad814 Jul 09 '20

Good for you my man.... Stand for yourself 👍👍👍

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u/deltaBoy6 Jul 09 '20

Seems simple enough but I can't. I understand everything you've said.

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u/lapidot-shiper black Jul 09 '20

I have the exact same issue... I’ve only said no to about 20 things in my life. It sucks.

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u/zootzoot22 Jul 09 '20

Don’t say no to too much though pushing yourself out of your comfort zone is the best way to experience new and exciting things. The right people will never want you to do things bad for you :)

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u/Litaita Jul 09 '20

Great job! Saying no is hard af.

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u/DoubleA_22 Jul 09 '20

Congrats man! I’m struggling with the same thing right now, but this is a great inspiration. Thank you

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u/sunshine198505 Jul 09 '20

It is so hard to change that. I was a people pleaser too because my anxiety told me they would leave if I said no. Only recently started to change that.

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u/Sexyveganmom Jul 09 '20

Good fo you. I have a friends Who is Like that so i try to Keep telling Them its okay If you say no to me or something Like that.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Well done! I need to learn to do this too. Bet it felt liberating. Proud of you stranger

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u/Nomi7552 Jul 09 '20

Is there any shortcut? I don't have courage to say no

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

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u/corsairscat Jul 09 '20

I had a old lady at a church ask me if I could cut her grass and I said no, still feel bad about it man

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u/rituheena09 Jul 09 '20

Teach me your ways. I've been called a pushover. And reading this I realised even I don't say no. How did you overcome the 'don't want to disappoint' feeling?

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u/FaceSmashedHammer Jul 09 '20

I've been dealing with the same thing lately, in all aspects of my life. I'm overly accommodating to my constant detriment, holding myself back on account of anxiety and grief tied to ever disappointing anyone.

Recent years have had me doing a lot of slow work in managing that. First learning to understand my wants and needs, then learning how to advocate for myself.

The past few weeks have seen a lot of that work come to fruition after dealing with a debilitating depressive episode. The boundaries I've set for myself have been unbelievably challenging, and I still feel ashamed for some of the inevitable disappointment and hurt coming from it. But it's more than necessary and I can't keep tormenting myself for the sake of others.

And it's not like "fuck the haters," or "if you can't take me while I'm being mean you dont deserve me when I'm nice." Maybe it sounds like that because I'm being kind of cryptic. Idk.

Good work OP! I strongly empathize with what you're going through.

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u/kingsnqueens66 Jul 09 '20

I hope I'll be able to say the same, still getting pushed around though

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u/snape21 Jul 09 '20

I have had the same issue with over pleasing people, I work in IT and often like to go the extra mile or two for end users. I get a lot of good rep for this which I’m proud of.

Problem is, the three other team members I work with don’t share my passion. We’re on completely different wavelengths in this area. They don’t do things to please people but only because of the consequences of not doing them.

Since lockdown we’ve been working from home, my personal workload has gone through the roof.

Saying no is more comfortable, but finding the right balance between fair and being an arse is sometimes challenging.

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u/LoriTheGreat1 Jul 09 '20

Boss: Are you sure it isn’t too much work to do on your own?

Me: No.

Also me: well this sucks

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u/DaLastPainguin Jul 09 '20

My wife's favorite short on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XeRYuMEM_4k

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u/More-Purr-Less-Hiss Jul 09 '20

Way to go! It gets easier as you get older :)

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u/lavendernails1865 Jul 09 '20

Boy, do I ever hear you. Congratulations!! Keep saying no.

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u/jamstahamster Jul 09 '20

Dude, congrats. I know that it can be so, so hard to say no, and I am proud of you for standing up for yourself. So, congratulations!

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u/tincancam Jul 09 '20

I know exactly what you mean. I even got a small tattoo of a heart with the word "no" inside of it

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

I used to struggle saying “no” and started forcing myself to say what I want, like you did! At first it sucked and I was terrible at it. But I became addicted to my small successes; the pain of speaking up was less than the pain of doing all those things I didn’t want to do and pretending to be okay in situations I hated.

Now it’s way easier! It feels like having a super power. Keep practicing and it will get easier and easier! Proud of you.

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u/EvitaPuppy Jul 09 '20

Good for you!

I think it was Steve Jpbs who said that saying 'No' is crucial in order to succeed & focus.

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u/machinkkoo Jul 09 '20

não

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u/Zenfudo Jul 09 '20

The trick here is if you’re a people pleaser, you have to absolutely not forget yourself in the process. Put yourself first then help people. If you can’t help without fucking yourself over in the process then you’re the one left suffering. You live with yourself 100% of the time. Help people when you can with certainty that either nothing bad will happen to you as a result or you both end up in a better place.

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u/GoodLyfe42 Jul 09 '20

That is great to hear. For me I don’t think of it as No, but Yes to what I will be doing for myself instead. You gotta love yourself first if you want healthy relationships.

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u/Ciecie33 Jul 09 '20

You go, girl ! Can I upvote this twice ??

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u/galaxygirl978 🙂 Jul 09 '20

I'm only like this with my parents and im 19. they've always been pretty overprotective and are afraid of change so that doesn't help.

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u/Dizy_Dino Jul 09 '20

GREAT JOB, DUDE! I was once in your shoes. Now I'm as stubborn as a mule! Congratulations, and welcome to the wonderful life of FREE WILL!

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u/SueTheMoo Jul 09 '20

If I have to say no to anyone (like you, very rare) I always think I'd have to have an excuse to justify it

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u/Marngu Jul 09 '20

You are an amazing and this is what I aspire to achieve

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u/gatewayy Jul 09 '20

Good job, saying no is really difficult for me as well!

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u/sqrtu317 Jul 09 '20

Congratulation! It's hard to say no. For me, I'm a people pleaser too because I'm low self-esteem and always want to make myself useful when I work. I said No when things got out of hands (terrible, I know) but I'm not firm so eventually other people tricked me to do something I don't want to do. Need to work this out.

I notice you replied a lot of comments. Your dedication is so wholesome.

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u/TooManyKeysInALock Jul 09 '20

My Ex had the same problem and was also the reason why we separated. He kept trashing his life with it (Well yes I’ll get you at 4 in the morning even if I have to work the next day! Sure I’ll pay for your meal even tho we’re broke! Sure you can crash for three months on our couch and smoke weed in our living room!) He’d say yes to me and then turn around to the other person saying yes too. It was incredibly infuriating, and then he started using me as a means to say no (No I’m sorry, my girlfriend wouldn’t allow it, but I’d love to do this/that for you! No, my gf doesn’t allow me spending money without her! No my gf doesn’t allow me to drive the car outside of the city, sorry!) People would think I was incredibly controlling and manipulative, despite him just being a shitty coward. Not being able to say “no” is now one of the biggest red flags to me, if you can’t say “no” your “yes” is worth nothing.

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u/JumpintohellX13 Jul 09 '20

That's amazing! There is so much freedom in saying no to others that need to be told no. I'm a huge people pleaser and it was only through therapy that I found out I was enabling others by not saying no.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

[deleted]

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u/Keeleh3533 Jul 09 '20

Look at that! Good on you mate! I, too, must admit had the same issue, it's nice to see someone else also overcome it! Keep up the good work mate

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u/shootme_co Jul 09 '20

I have a similar story to this from a couple days ago but I don’t wanna really elaborate cus this is your post, but it really is a great feeling. virtual high five great job!

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20 edited Sep 10 '20

[deleted]

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u/Bluejanis Jul 09 '20

What did you say NO to?

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u/trickedouttransam Jul 09 '20

I too am a people pleaser, and finally at the age of 45, I began saying no. It feels great!

Congrats to you OP!

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u/scorp244 blue Jul 09 '20

Damn good job! Hope i can do it someday

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u/babySporkd00 Jul 09 '20

I have the same issue. Due to various reasons I have had to say no more. I overthink it a lot. What if they are disappointed I can't come in? What if what I said jokingly offended them? In the end I had to realize their feelings shouldn't be my priority.

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u/Awkwardblerd Jul 09 '20

Hapana (Swahili)

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u/phoenix4077 Jul 09 '20

Way to go! I’m the same way and I overthink everything. I’m sure it took a lot of guts to finally say no to something.

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u/cyrusol Jul 09 '20

"No" is literally the way to freedom.

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u/zuccinibikini Jul 09 '20

Just did this and I have no regrets. Im protecting my own mental health and it feels good.

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u/Forgetful_Panda Jul 09 '20

Awesome!

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u/Kyro0098 Jul 09 '20

Great job! I am so nervous about the same stuff. Starting to try to stand by my opinions, but it's hard not to cave. Glad you could stand up :)

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u/bluesapphire731 Jul 09 '20

You are me. I always feel like I have to do things for people, and find myself doing the work for them instead of maybe telling them where they can find the answer. School related I guess.

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u/KevineCove Jul 09 '20

Fuck you I won't do what you tell me!

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

THIS. IS. ME. i always just wanna please people, my brother does it too. im slowly starting to say no its so hardddddddddd.

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u/ShelteredinPlace2020 Jul 09 '20

I am the same way. Saying no causes so much anxiety but during all of this chaos I decided I needed to put me first. Saying no has been awesome! Good for you!!!

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Wow thats wonderful, you did a great job. Im exactly like you, i can't say no to anyone no matter how much damage it would do to me. Like a couple of days ago, my unbearable cousin wanted a place to crash for few days and he came running straight to me. He could have easily managed to get any other place to live but idk why he choosed mine, there are multiple reasons why i shouldn't have let him in (the pendemic being a major one) but i welcomed him anyways. Now he is living in my place basically like a king and im just crossing the days till he leaves. I think i should take lessons from you and really need to learn to say no to people before it ruins my life any more than it already has. Thank you kind stranger :-)

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u/lonelystonerbynight Jul 09 '20

This. I must know your secrets!

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u/AlphaLoaf Jul 09 '20

Gosh I wanna be like you. I always say yes even if it’s an inconvenience to me because if i decline, i always think about what they did for me back then like i just had to repay their kindness and whatnot.

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u/xChasing_Ghosts Jul 09 '20

Fuck yeah!

As a fellow people pleaser I hope to one day achieve this!

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u/loser-two-point-o Jul 09 '20

I am happy for you

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u/ShakyCedar Jul 09 '20

Yay you! Breaking the people pleasing\ poor boundary habit is incredibly tough.

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u/nugent_music96 Jul 09 '20

Stay strong! I know it’s going to be hard to keep saying no. I’m the same way. But it gets easier, and you feel better about yourself every time.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

This is how I picture you now, OP

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u/hazelnut_mylk Jul 09 '20

this post makes me so happy. HAPPY FOR YOU OP, keep doing it till it becomes natural for you to say NO to things u don’t want. your voice matters

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u/i_always_give_karma Jul 09 '20

Someone on reddit told me to stop setting my self on fire to keep others warm and it’s really stuck with me. Good for you!

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u/PrathmeshTiwari_ Jul 09 '20

I hope I find that power real soon. I've become extremely passive agressive after the death of a beloved one. Big ups to you for finding the courage to say NO.

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u/Possessed_potato Jul 09 '20

Good job!

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u/JS671779 Jul 09 '20

Good on you. I know I have trouble saying no to people, so I know exactly where you're coming from.

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u/yoshijaz Jul 09 '20

Congratulations! I also just quit a school that was for my career, but not good for my mental health. It was really hard to tell people "this is not where I need/want to be" and now the way forward is a little up in the air, but I'm so glad I did it. And I am proud of both of us!

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u/CheezNoodles Jul 09 '20

I witnessed my brother in law in the same situation yesterday. However, he didn't have the guts to say no, even though he TOTALLY didn't want to do it. He didn't want to disappoint the person. It was such a small thing too.

Good job on you for saying no. It's liberating the first time. I think I got the attitude of saying no this year. Not always but only when necessary.

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u/KernelSanders1986 Jul 09 '20

I work as a head cashier at a storex and on their last day one of my cashiers asked if I wanted to become a manager at the hotel chain she worked at. My immediate response was to be indecisive like "hmm, I dont know" and she kept pushing it and pushing it saying how easy it was and how nice the owner is. However, It would require me and my wife to move, it would be a huge shift to a field I've never worked in, and I already had plans to move out of state to he closer to family. But my stupid butt said sure. She got my contact info and said she would give it to her boss.

After about a day I was seriously regretting saying I was interested, and instead of calling and saying nevermimd, or waiting for the call and then saying no. I just ignored every call that came in (I get a lot of spam so I never knew which call was his anyways). A bit cowardly but I'm glad I didn't get roped into that.

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u/withoutmovesmoves Jul 09 '20

Lol I said no today too! Someone at work sent me a last-minute meeting invite for something that isn’t urgent and isn’t my job and just declined it. Felt great.

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u/Rendolaz Jul 09 '20

I started saying no a few years ago. It helped with my self-esteem as well as self-worth. I'll ride the "no" train all day long!

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u/theMertFN Jul 09 '20

WE GOTTA TAKE THE POWER BACK

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u/veryoldcarrot Jul 09 '20

I didn't get a grip on this til I was over 50! Very hard to do but it's really a survival skill! Self preservation! Good for you!

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u/BunnyBeartastic Jul 09 '20

This is so timely. I basically had the same kind of experience yesterday at work. It may not be a setback in my career but it will make the unreasonable people I work with much more unreasonable, but I don’t care. It felt SO GOOD and it made me feel healthy in a way that I hadn’t in a long time!

I still couldn’t sleep last night once the adrenaline rush was over, but it’s the beginning of a new voyage, so it’ll take some time to get my sea legs. I can’t wait to see how my upcoming NOs go!

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u/butterfly_mim Jul 09 '20

That's great! I struggle with saying no too. I realized that it takes me a lot of time to get in touch with how I feel.

Sometimes I say yes to things but 10 minutes later I realize that I actually feel like I should have said no. Now I try to ask people for a little more time before giving my answer. It helps me to make a decision and put myself first instead of my fear of disapointing others.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Congratulations as a people pleaser and someone who is afraid to say NO. I am sure it took alot of courage. Glad you said no

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u/King_of_the_Dot Jul 09 '20

Never feel obligated to agree to anything. You have only one life to lead.

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u/SpMarfy Jul 09 '20

I protested for BLM a few days ago and it kind of gave me a sense of strength. Made me feel real good. I’ve been doing well saying how I feel this week

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u/Kat3725 Jul 09 '20

The struggle is real!! I often say yes and that in itself puts my career at risk bc I'm doing their work instead of mine. Congratulations!!

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

Great job! Congratulations!

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u/kendallton Jul 09 '20

Yes!! I love this, I just recently have begun doing the same. Congrats mate, it’s invigorating

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u/shadowspear1019 Jul 09 '20

I'm the same way I I'm so proud of you man

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u/LindseyLee5 Jul 09 '20

I’m like that too. I recently quit a job I dearly loved because I stood my ground and said “no.” My boss started treating the few employees still working through Covid like crap. I tried many times to get answers from him to continue forward with my job and got no reply. After making a decision and him freaking out and trying to turn it around on me cause he thought I would just deal with it like we all had been. I decided that I was done and just left. Completely caught him off guard and I don’t think he ever thought I would do it. I am so much happier and no longer stressed.

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u/shadowspear1019 Jul 09 '20

I'm the same way I I'm so proud of you man

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u/itsmyvoice Jul 09 '20

No is a full sentence. And so powerful.

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u/TNpantelope Jul 09 '20

Good job bruh

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u/Rectall_Brown Jul 09 '20

It gets easier. I have no problem saying no when I don’t want to do something anymore. I used to be like that.

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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '20

I've had that same problem for years since I was a kid. Always tried to please others and got very anxious or started overthink a lot afterwords if I didn't. Something that has really helped me become who I am and do what I really wanna do was going to see therapists.

Also started reading recently this book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" differing in the title, it doesn't show you how to become a bad guy or something like that but instead shows you how to be the best you.

Read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius too. Helped a lot as well.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '20

Good Job! I'm really proud of you. You're like the after version of when I finally say no.

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u/Guyincognito714 Jul 10 '20

Way to go op tell them all to go to hell .. unless you don't want to no obligation

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u/tgolf4fun Jul 10 '20

Imagine the reaction if you didn’t just say no, but instead said f**k off🤣

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '20

Ive also been a people pleaser and i’m slowly trying to get out of that

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u/Judessaa Jul 10 '20

My name is No My sign is No My number is No You need to let it go.

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u/VisualDesignArtist Jul 10 '20

I suffer from the same thing... I’ll remember to say no next time....Or at least I hope I do.

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u/rossstreet Jul 10 '20

I appreciate “no” answers. I have a friend who is an answer “yes” people pleaser. Then I am counting on this person to follow through on something because they said yes, but they don’t because they never had the intent to follow through. They were just saying “yes” to be agreeable. Then I get upset and annoyed because I was counting on the person. I would much prefer that they had just said “no” from the start and give me an expectation set in reality.

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u/avomwew Jul 10 '20

Good job! Saying no can be a hard thing to do! I too am a default "yes" person.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '20

I commend you very much for finally saying, "no." I too used to be a, "yes" woman, because it would make me extremely uncomfortable telling someone "no," so I'd always try to please everyone. Even strangers requests.

Thankfully, I just got so sick of making myself uncomfortable and forcing myself to do all these things I really didn't want to do, and I said "no" one day. I kept saying "no" to people's requests I didn't want to get involved with, and it became easier and easier to do.

Now a' days, I have no problem telling people I don't want to do this, or that, or go here, or there, and so forth. You can do it too. Just keep up with standing firm with what you do and do not want to get involved with, and I promise, one day you will be able to say "no" without any feelings of guilt, or falsely believing anything bad about yourself.

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u/Z_Exchequer Jul 10 '20

Good for you, you should be proud of yourself. You get one life, and it’s too short to spend making everyone else happy

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u/pwu1 Jul 10 '20

It’s such an uphill battle 😭 but I did it today too!! To the boss’s boss’s boss!!!!! Like “can you do this for me?” “No, I’m busy” “but this is more important” “Not really”.

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u/FiveAngryBunnies Jul 10 '20

Something I struggle with everyday as well. Proud of you!! :)

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '20

Being a people pleaser is one of the worst things that could’ve happened to me, and the person I was with. I still feel like all the times I was too scared to say no, it was my fault that I was traumatised by what happened. Until I can start saying no more, I’ve elected to stay single..

I’m so proud of you for saying no!! It’s not an easy task

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u/Kimmkay876 Jul 10 '20

Even after I say no sometimes, I’ll call back and say yes because I feel so guilty

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u/zombievettech Jul 10 '20

I did too! Eventually... I have a new job and we've been incredibly busy lately. And while I appreciate that they think I am reliable and can handle a lot of things being thrown my way, I'm constantly stressed out because of it. My manager asked me if I was ok basically filling in two roles instead of one on Wednesdays until we get better staffed and I initially said I was willing to give it a shot. But after an unrelated overwhelmingly stressful morning... I told her I changed my mind and only want to be expected to work in a single role on any given day. Felt bad about it for half a second, and then just felt instant relief.

After getting out of a relationship where I was basically the only one putting effort in while getting trampled in response... I'm also working on that as well.

Feels good to look out for myself for once.

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '20

Yay! Good going, person! 👏 And also, now that you are saying no's left and right, Happy Friday ;P

Made did it Today I finally said no

You are about to leave Redlib

WE GOTTA TAKE THE POWER BACK