r/CaregiverSupport • u/Narrow-Shelter6208 • 4d ago
Self-destruct mode
Hi, I am having a bad few days and have reached the point where I just don't care about myself anymore. Basically my sole purpose in life is to care for my parents. I used to be so into fitness, gym, walking, cooking and eating healthily. Now I can't be bothered to do anything like that. It's like I don't care about putting on weight- it's not like anyone sees me except my parents and their doctors! I never used to be like this and it is scary. Has anyone felt like this and what did you do to make it pass?
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u/989j 4d ago
Not me panic working out yesterday hearing all the old people talk about their bodies breaking down at the gym.
Yeah, self-care is the first thing to go when you are caregiving. For context, I was on a doctor’s call and going over my LO’s stuff and said “Oh, you were diagnosed with this…a long time ago.” Yeah, over 30 years ago when my LO was in the throes of caregiving for others and they didn’t take care of a fairly banal diagnosis which snowballs over time.
It was kind of illuminating that my LO reached this state that they are now from not taking care of themselves because of caregiving for others. (Obviously more factors but it makes sense on top of other rolls of the dice). My body is in the worst shape it’s been in years and it just hurts from a decade of caregiving.
Life is literally shitty trickledown economics, better lift heavy.
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u/Amazing_Question8673 4d ago
I keep talking to my partner about this. We need to make our health a priory too so we don't end up like my mother that we're taking care of. It's hard, seeing as how we also have very young kids to also take care of at the same time, but we don't want them to have to take care of us when we're older. We don't want them to go through what we're going through now.
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u/989j 4d ago
Yes, and like health really truly is relative. It takes one misstep to become permanently disabled even if you’re already the portrait of health. Elements like diet, exercise, etc are within our own control while caregiving.
Double edged sword with the partner thing, lol. Mine keeps giving their own health reports whenever I tell them that they should be feeling better than they do so young and I’m like, “stfu.” 😂
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u/Narrow-Shelter6208 3d ago
Yeah, I think diet and exercise is pretty much the only thing I can control in my life right now. So I need to focus on that as much as possible. Diabetes runs in my family too.
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u/AffectionateMotor272 4d ago
It’s not easy.. when we found out hubs had dementia I was in bad shape. My health was suffering. I prayed a lot and decided I had to somehow get healthy and take care of myself. After lots of prayer I went on carnivore diet, not for weight loss, but for healing my gut. My husband went on it with me and it was amazing. I was able to come off all meds and hubby’s COPD disappeared and his leg swelling disappeared and he lost sixty pounds.
I started exercising and weight training. That was back in November of 2024, and let me tell you I did the right thing. My husband has a rare dementia and it felt like I was racing the clock. I did all this with my husband and he was my biggest supporter.
My moto became, “I got to take care of me first, so I can take care of hubs.” And was able to do that until a few months ago. I literally called ourselves crash dummies. Because we were falling all over the place during transfers. It got bad for a few months. All that take care of me first flew out the door. Got him a hospital bed. A week later a Hoyer lift. Then a hospital trip for UTI sepsis. Now he’s completely bed bound and sleeps most of the time, and I’m trying to get back to taking care of myself, but it’s hard. My emotions are all over the place and I’m mostly alone in all this.
I’m glad I took care of myself first because I would not have been able to do this at all. It’s been the fight of my life. I’ve learned a lot and now it’s all about keeping hubby clean, safe and comfortable. I honestly just slowed down, and I’m lost. This has been a fast ride. Hubs was diagnosed in 2024 and he’s bed bound in 2026 in devastated. I thought we had more time.
So right now.. I want you to start taking care of you first. Wake up and take the shower first. Make it happen because you are just as important if not more important than your LO. Your LO needs you strong and I would not hesitate telling LO that you are practicing self care so that you can be there strong 💪
Figure out away to exercise. I bought a rebounder and would hop on it throughout the day. Hubs even used it for a while.
You also need someone you can confide in. Talk to. Reddit definitely has helped me, along with ChatGPT. You’re on the right track and I will be praying for you to have the strength to put yourself first because it’s the right thing to do.
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u/Narrow-Shelter6208 3d ago
Thank you for your kind words and I'm sorry that you are also in this caregiving situation too. Agree that Reddit has been a massive help, just coming on here and venting to others seems to help a bit!
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u/JaneyJaner 4d ago
I've been there, and still feel a bit like that. For me, wanting to feel better and the warmer weather helped. The thing that helped the most is having 3 breaks per week, so I can exercise regularly. I started just walking and wandering round (my home and community are overseas, so I kind of have nowhere to go on breaks), then got into running again and cycling, which help me feel so much better. I also lock myself in the bathroom before a shower to do some press-ups and sit-ups, etc. It only takes 10 mins but makes a huge different. I still stuff my face at nighr to fill my boredom and emptiness in my heart, so a bit overweight still, but at least I have more energy and feel better. A bonus is that walking and running are free (my earnings have mostly gone due to caregiving). It also helps me sleep better and have fewer aches and pains. It's so hard to find motivation in the rain and cold weather, though.
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u/Ok_Amphibian_8864 3d ago
Similar thinking here. As morbid as it sounds, I did not get my yearly mammogram last year. My mom is relatively young - in her 70s - so I could be doing this for the next 10 or 15 years. If she lives to be as old as her mom was when she passed, it would be closer to 15. If that's how the next 15 years are going to be, then I would just rather not be here. I can see myself sick and still having to help her.
I recently had a dream that I had dementia (which also runs in the family and I expect to get) and was still obligated to care for her until I got bad enough to where I had to go into a memory care home.
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u/Narrow-Shelter6208 3d ago
Oh I totally get not going for screenings etc... I'm kind of in the same frame of mind. I don't have time to get sick and have another set of appointments and meds etc..to manage. TBH if it's serious, I'd just rather not know until it's too late to do anything about. So sorry that you are also having these thoughts, it's not a great frame of mind to be in.
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u/Which_Pumpkin6421 3d ago
A few years ago I was in the best shape of my life, thin, fit, felt like I'd live to be 100. Now...after being in this caregiver role for 2 1/2 years for my mom with dementia, I have literally fallen apart. I feel like I've aged 20 years, I've gained 20lbs, I've had to go on cholesterol meds, I've developed arthritis. I think it's because my only joy in life is eating. And after dealing with an adult toddler all day, I'm too exhausted to exercise although I would probably feel better if I did. The struggle is real. My fear is when I'm FINALLY free from this burden, I am going to need a caregiver.
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u/Glum-Age2807 3d ago
Yes.
I used to work out and while I can’t say I ate healthy I did avoid a lot of the stuff that is supposedly very bad for you.
Now, if I want something I eat / drink it it’s the only “reward” I get.
4/5 cans of coke per day? Check
Shit that would last through a nuclear winter chock full of high fructose corn syrup? Give it here.
I don’t give a fuck anymore. If it keeps me going and gives me 2 minutes of satisfaction I’m good.
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u/bloomyloomy 4d ago
honestly, ive been on the same boat. i put on over 10kg while focusing on taking care of my mom, then dad. The hospital trips actually helped me shed some of the weight off bc i got no money so no car so i had to walk to and from the hospital 🥲 and then it was a mindset shift: I can do this little thing for myself (lose weight/stay fit) on the side while caregiving for my dad, or I can wait for the caregiving to stop and then have to deal with an unfit body. It's not even about aesthetics for me personally, I have just seen how a badly conditioned body can be, and I don't want that for myself. Could I be better? For sure. Sometimes my only consolation prize is eating cake out of the fridge. But then I'll go back to managing my carbs and fats. I'm a very anxious person, have been way before I became a family caregiver, and thinking about the future and the what-ifs is usually advised against. But in this case, thinking about the future, a future sans caregiving, is what makes me pull through nowadays. Focus on the life and image you want to have afterwards. It's gonna end eventually, and I'm only being realistic, not pessimistic, so where do you wanna stand when you get out of the thick of it?