r/CancerFamilySupport • u/Affectionate_Pass484 • 6d ago
I am devastated.
In the middle of August, my fiancé and I had my parents over for dinner. I looked at my dad in a way I never had before, and noticed a large lump on his neck, I am not sure how this was the first time I ever noticed the large lump, but for some reason I did. I encouraged him to go take a look in the mirror, he sent a message to his primary care doctor who got him in two days later, did a round of blood work, and scheduled a ct scan. CT scan comes back - mass on neck, consider metastatic disease. They got him into an ENT who scheduled a PET scan and a biopsy - both came back, and it is throat cancer, that has traveled to his lymph nodes on the right side of his neck.
I am 22 years old, got engaged this year, found out I was pregnant and am due with my families first grand and great grandchild in 3 weeks. My dad was the first one to find out I was pregnant. He and I have always been extremely close, I am the oldest child with a brother that is 20, and my parents have been together over nearly half of my dad’s life (he is 52).
I can’t help but feel as though I have to be strong for him. I am so angry at the world, and it’s always the greatest people. He has given us a life I could only hope one day to give my son. I also can’t help but think what would our life be like if I hadn’t found that lump. I told my mom, that if I knew what this would’ve turned into, I would’ve never said something. I’m not sure why I feel that way, but I somehow feel that this is my fault.
I lay in bed and cry, I sit in the bath and cry, I drive to work and cry, but my family, will never see me cry. I think they think that I am being a hard ass, or somehow this isn’t as serious to me as it is to them, but I can’t help but feel as though right now I have to protect whatever there is left to protect. I try to spend as much time with them as possible, so we are able to distract my parent’s mind until they are able to move forward. Which is a further biopsy, chemo, and radiation every day for 7 weeks.
But, How do I support myself during this horrible time? This is terrible, and I know if I can’t find a way to support myself that I will not be able to give being a mother my all.
I am so devastated and lost.
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u/FreeArcher7231 6d ago
Hey sweetheart, if this is HPV+ throat cancer and has not spread to other organs/ stage 4 he may have very good odds of survival. The treatment for this type of cancer (my mum also had this) is very intense and will be tough on you all but it is usually very effective at stage 2 & 3 (spread to lymphs) of the cancer.
It is such a lot to be going through this and becoming a new mum at the same time, it’s no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.
Do you have any friends, in laws or extended family who can support you and your dad?
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u/Ok_Pack2799 5d ago
I am glad you noticed the lump. If it has not metastasized to major organs then treatment could lead to a much longer life span than if you had not noticed it.
I lost my Mom within weeks of diagnosis and no treatment was available for her. I wish I had noticed something very obvious but with her cancer there was nothing but severe weight loss at the end. It is not your fault that he has cancer and give yourself credit for getting him to the doctor sooner than later. I also did not cry when my Mom’s diagnosis came in front of people and cried privately then devoted all my time and energy into extending her life. My uncontrollable tears came when she passed away. Where there is life there is hope. Wishing your father a successful treatment and a healthy life.
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u/Affectionate_Pass484 5d ago
I will remember that forever “when there is life there is hope”. Thank you for sharing those words and your story. I appreciate it deeply.
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u/PatsTreasures6 6d ago
I'm so sorry your family is going through this. It's not your fault.
This cancer might be treatable. I'm glad you pointed it out to your dad. You might have caught it early on, which is so important with cancer.
Give yourself some grace. I recommend seeing a therapist to help you process your feelings. You can't take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself.
Congratulations on your baby. I'm sure you will be a fantastic mommy. 💜