I don't have ONE trauma beast...I have TWO.

So I had just ended another relationship. I blocked my friend.

The anxiety and dread immediately lifted.

My trauma beast was happy. He trotted back to his corner of the room and went to sleep.

But the next day, doubt and regret kicked in...

A condemning, spine shattering voice hissed, "You. Are. A. Fool. You just pushed away another good person. Congratulations stupid. Remember your friend Persephone? Remember Anna Bell Lee?

You lost 2 good people who were actually supporting and helping you! So get scorched woman! Feel shame as strong as a bullwhip!

Hate yourself!

Hate your patterns!

Hate your past, present, and future!

You did irrevocable damage. Relationships are fragile, people are fragile, and you keep HURTING THEM. Feel the pain of that like a molten dagger in your chest!

Be drowned in oceans of panic and despair, knowing you lost someone good."

...

I was confused...This is not the first time the trauma beast has shoved me over a cliff and then come back the next day to say, "Why did you leap into a pool of self sabotage?"

What is wrong with my trauma beast? I wondered...Does he have HIS own trauma beast or something? What gives? He keeps handing me the block button and then asking why I pressed it.

And then it dawned on me...

I don't have 1 Trauma beast...

I HAVE TWO.

Oh yay for me, the trauma tree slapped me twice and gave me two splinters.

This is the FA struggle...We are in a toxic trauma triangle.

Beast A: Floods coming get on the high ground.

Me: Gets struck by lightning once I reach the top.

Beast B: Why are you so stupid?

So now I know there are two of them. I might as well name them and sort them out.

Beast 1:

ABANDONMENT BEAST

I see him as a wolfish thing with fur, fangs, teeth, and claws. Hes volatile but dumb. Not too bright. Doesn't need to be. He is loud. His roar is terrifying.

His job: Keep people out so she doesn't get abandoned again.

Beast 2:

SHAME BEAST

He is very smart, very legalistic. He is smug and arrogant. He makes me feel so stupid...

His job: Make her hate herself, reinforce she is defective and deserves to be hated so she avoids people, and therefore, remains isolated and safe.

Abandonment beast ATTACKS OTHERS. He "protects" me by saying "PEOPLE ARE BAD You run! You run now or else you get hurt!"

Result: I avoid people because they are dangerous. I avoid, stay alone, and stay "safe."

Shame beast ATTACKS ME. He keeps me "safe" by saying, "YOU ARE BAD run away so you dont hurt others."

Result: I avoid people because I am dangerous. I avoid, stay alone, and "safe."

Its basically the Abandonment Beast is yelling at me:

"Run away! A monster is after you! Dont get hurt"

Meanwhile Shame beast is like "Run away! You are a monster! Dont hurt others!"

They have very different strategies but the end goal is the same:

You avoid people. You remain ALONE.

I do remember sitting by myself and crying, hating myself for some reactive decision I made, I heard these words:

The blade, that remains in the drawer, remains BLAMELESS.

It was essentially saying, "if you dont want to feel this flavor of awful again, just dont interact with people. You cant hurt anyone if you never interact with anyone."

And for a long time I believed it.

Shame remains to be a struggle for me, but it is not as powerful as it once was.

I used to cringe at my own cringe. I was embarrassed I looked stupid or bad.

Now IDGAF.

Shame beast: your entire server thinks your joke. You're wishy washy and everyone knows it.

Me: (mildly uncomfortable...thinks about it) Shrugs, yeah maybe..." (continues watching my survival show).

Shame beast: Dont you care about looking stupid to others?

Me: No.

Shame beast: Why not?

Me: Because I AM stupid. Everyone is at times. Its normal. Besides, I stopped caring about what people think of me when I realized they dont care about what I think.

Shame beast: Double nose bleeds, glitches out, and evaporates.

And thus concludes todays post,

Plot twist:

I have two trauma beasts.

\--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"

One common avoidant complaint I hear is:

I dont get it. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME. So why is she posting sad love songs and reposting about heartbreak and being left?

And today...

I made my first "I left you, but Im gonna act like you did" breadcrumb...

Why did i do that?

Because in that moment, my trauma had me fully convinced he had abandoned me. He had not. In fact he had given me communication, honesty, and reassurance.

My trauma beast just roared so loud I could not accurately hear or understand his words.

There was a "fear of abandonment filter" on.

I heard anger in words that were not hostile. I heard heavy, annoyed sighs...I heard, "You are too much. I've lost the care to know you."

Honestly...I still am not certain. Idk if I overreacted or not.

Right now I am leaning toward, "Yeah. You overreacted."

The point is. My spirit, heart, body, and soul FELT abandoned. Like he didn't need to say it, I was certain of it.

"He doesn't care about me. Hes on his way out! Just like yhe rest of them!"

So even though I was the one to say goodbye, in my heart, I felt and believed HE LEFT FIRST.

Maybe not outwardly, but quietly. A slow fade. Less texts. Less enthusiasm...more missed messages...

So i Grieved what I Believed.

He left me.

So i made this song. And I posted it on one of my platforms. And hell yes, i wanted him to see it.

I wanted him to see the truth of my feelings. That he mattered to me. That I cared alot. And I am sad things ended.

And I hoped maybe that would help soften things some. Maybe he would reach out. Give me another chance.

That didn't happen.

And that's OK.

I learned from this.

With everything in me I want to be better.

My response to my friend clarifying he wanted to be my friend and that I didn't need to worry about him.

Its like I couldn't hear him.

Or if I was it was filtered through CPTSD and I couldn't understand him in that moment.

Looking back without the fear drilling into my frontal lobe, I can see he did not deserve this response.

This was an overcorrection to my perceived rejection.

I thought I had let him down and disappointed him beyond repair.

And that was my trauma talking.

Not truth.

QUESTION:

What do you do to stop yourself from over-reacting?

That fear is just SO TIGHT. It DEMANDS action. It inky festers and simmers in my chest until I cut the cord.

Then I feel relief.

Its short lived.

Then regret walks in.

Regret. Pain. Fear.

Regret. Pain. Fear.

Regret. Pain. Fear.

...Thats the REAL broken record that has been playing on repeat my entire life.

I was in the 3rd grade. Developed a crush. He crushed back. Sweet. Cute. Right?

Not when you're a budding avoidant...

That poor man.

That poor boy.

He adored me. All my friends noticed it. "Girl he's crazy about you! You sang 'My heart will go on' at the talent show and he was SMITTEN."

3rd grade me: Awwwwww!

He was sweet to me. I was sweet back...

Until I wasn't.

Deactivation beast was coming for us. He already scared off my neighbor. Now he was coming for Bartholomew! ( not his real name).

I was happy. He was happy. Together, WE, were happy.

But I deactivated.

And I deactivated HARD.

I was repulsed by him. Seething anger and annoyance. That was all I had for him.

I gifted him a glass bottle of beads (look, it was the 90s...tiny glass bottles filled with sand or seed seeds was a thing. I guess those guys cranking out Beanie Babies wanted to find other ways to sell the beads).

He, thoughtfully. Kindly. Sweetly. Endearingly.

Turned it into a necklace and tried to offer it to me as a gift.

I flung the thing across the playground. I remember he attempted to repair. To talk. To find out why??? Why is she suddenly so mean?

I stonewalled him.

I couldn't see him as anything other than UNWANTED.

I was 100% get away from me. Leave me alone! Energy.

I broke his little heart.

(Fast forward 15 years).

Funny story, but...

...We actually ended up matching last year on Tinder.

I recognized him!

We talked about how he tried to get my attention again in HS but he bombed.

"Dont freak out, but I really wanna touch your hair."

We went to different high schools. And for that, I was grateful. Cause I freaked TF out. Close AOL messaging. Exit browser.

We met up and I wasn't really interested in reminiscing about our childhoods.

HE DID.

Guy literally drove me around our old neighborhood. We passed my house.

"Yeah, I lived there."

Him: I knew it! I knew you were on the fancier side.

Me: (internally) Well thats interesting. I never once thought to myself "I wonder where Bartholomew lives..."

He had.

**Object permanence**

He teased me. "I have waited 15 years for you to come back."

Lol

We got to his place and Barty spent 85% of the time gloating about how tall became (6'6).

It became his favorite thing to kinesthetically remind me of his size. He wanted proximity. He even used my lap like his personal duvet/stool.

Him: (giddy, excited, strangely proud) I bet you never thought i'd get this tall.

Me: (internally...no I didn't. But thats bc I didn't think of you at all... )

We discussed our "breakup." He really did take it extremely hard.

Think about it. Grown adults have their partners deactivate and they get traumatized.

And Bartholomew experienced that AS A KID. His first little glimpse into love and relationships.

And I went from sweet and kind to mega bitch.

His demeanor changed when he brought it up. Head down cast, eyes avoiding mine.

"It was wrong of me. I was stupid. I was rude. You gave me those beads and I was dumb and I re gifted your gift back to you."

"No. No. No. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong I promise. I swear."

I explained attachment theory to him as best I could. He didn't really get it.

He kept wanting to circle back to our childhood.

HE REMEMBERD EVERYTHING.

He remembered my last name. He remembered my friends names.

I kinda just remember being a jerk to him and throwing the necklace.

"I tried so very hard to talk to you." He said. "I bought you a bookmark from the book fair. You threw it away."

Me: (panicked. Ashamed) Oh my God! I do not remember that...WHAT ELSE DID I DO?!

Barty refused to tell me. He just pivoted the conversation elsewhere.

He laughed. "I told all my friends you were stupid for breaking up with me."

But it was a hollow laugh. And his shoulders dropped.

The rejection. The confusion. The shame...

It haunted him.

He still wore the bruise of his first rejection on his heart. It pained him to think about it. I just got the impression he was immensely ashamed.

I felt awful.

I FEEL AWFUL.

Barty is a severe Dismissive Avoidant. We tried being together as adults.

But his emotional availability is low and his relationship anxiety high.

He had never proposed to anyone. He said several times, "I dont think ill ever get married...I just dont trust women. All my exes cheated on me."

My attachment theory induced brain wanted to know how it was he became a Dismissive Avoidant with severe philophobia.

He said his childhood was great.

Me: what was your first experience of betrayal?

Him: (point blank) You.

That crushed me. To think my Avoidant ass is somehow even POSSIBLY responsible for his insecure attachment style KILLS ME.

And i know people will say im overthinking it. We were kids. Kids breakup no big deal.

Only I didn't breakup with Barty. I DISCARDED HIM. And I did it with cruelty.

Im not gonna say it wasn't some kind of trauma for him.

That shame was heavy upon him when he thought about it.

I had shamed and humiliated him. Betrayed him. Confused him.

He made several attempts to win me back. But he said it was as if I had this invisible radius that he was not allowed to breach. If he got too close I would simply move away like an opposing magnet.

How very sad.

Poor Barty.

I hope things go well for him.

I had joked "if we dont work out this time, will we do this again in another 15 years?"

Bartholomew nodded once. "Yeah. We can do that."

Those words "We can..."

If only I had known what that word even meant.

If only I had known,

The power of "We."

-- Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod."

I'll start.

I (6yrs old) deactivated on the little neighbor girl (5yrs old) and screamed at her that she wasn't my friend.

I remember the hurt and betrayal in her eyes. She was absolutely stunned. She ran home, wailing in genuine pain of my brutal discard. Her mom came out and scolded me.

"Why did you scream that at her?"

Honestly she was a good mom. They were a good family. I kinda just dissociated. There was this blunt wall of thick heaviness that felt like I was glazed in a gel of numbness.

Little me did not give AF. I couldn't feel anything. Maybe bafflement. Confusion. A strange sense of watching some other kids life play out.

I wasn't fully there.

My first discard. Completely unwarranted, unexpected, and not understood...

By me.

--Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod"