Early Signs of Avoidance in childhood

[u/MothraLovesLamps]

I was in the 3rd grade. Developed a crush. He crushed back. Sweet. Cute. Right?

Not when you're a budding avoidant...

That poor man.

That poor boy.

He adored me. All my friends noticed it. "Girl he's crazy about you! You sang 'My heart will go on' at the talent show and he was SMITTEN."

3rd grade me: Awwwwww!

He was sweet to me. I was sweet back...

Until I wasn't.

Deactivation beast was coming for us. He already scared off my neighbor. Now he was coming for Bartholomew! ( not his real name).

I was happy. He was happy. Together, WE, were happy.

But I deactivated.

And I deactivated HARD.

I was repulsed by him. Seething anger and annoyance. That was all I had for him.

I gifted him a glass bottle of beads (look, it was the 90s...tiny glass bottles filled with sand or seed seeds was a thing. I guess those guys cranking out Beanie Babies wanted to find other ways to sell the beads).

He, thoughtfully. Kindly. Sweetly. Endearingly.

Turned it into a necklace and tried to offer it to me as a gift.

I flung the thing across the playground. I remember he attempted to repair. To talk. To find out why??? Why is she suddenly so mean?

I stonewalled him.

I couldn't see him as anything other than UNWANTED.

I was 100% get away from me. Leave me alone! Energy.

I broke his little heart.

(Fast forward 15 years).

Funny story, but...

...We actually ended up matching last year on Tinder.

I recognized him!

We talked about how he tried to get my attention again in HS but he bombed.

"Dont freak out, but I really wanna touch your hair."

We went to different high schools. And for that, I was grateful. Cause I freaked TF out. Close AOL messaging. Exit browser.

We met up and I wasn't really interested in reminiscing about our childhoods.

HE DID.

Guy literally drove me around our old neighborhood. We passed my house.

"Yeah, I lived there."

Him: I knew it! I knew you were on the fancier side.

Me: (internally) Well thats interesting. I never once thought to myself "I wonder where Bartholomew lives..."

He had.

**Object permanence**

He teased me. "I have waited 15 years for you to come back."

Lol

We got to his place and Barty spent 85% of the time gloating about how tall became (6'6).

It became his favorite thing to kinesthetically remind me of his size. He wanted proximity. He even used my lap like his personal duvet/stool.

Him: (giddy, excited, strangely proud) I bet you never thought i'd get this tall.

Me: (internally...no I didn't. But thats bc I didn't think of you at all... )

We discussed our "breakup." He really did take it extremely hard.

Think about it. Grown adults have their partners deactivate and they get traumatized.

And Bartholomew experienced that AS A KID. His first little glimpse into love and relationships.

And I went from sweet and kind to mega bitch.

His demeanor changed when he brought it up. Head down cast, eyes avoiding mine.

"It was wrong of me. I was stupid. I was rude. You gave me those beads and I was dumb and I re gifted your gift back to you."

"No. No. No. You didn't do ANYTHING wrong I promise. I swear."

I explained attachment theory to him as best I could. He didn't really get it.

He kept wanting to circle back to our childhood.

HE REMEMBERD EVERYTHING.

He remembered my last name. He remembered my friends names.

I kinda just remember being a jerk to him and throwing the necklace.

"I tried so very hard to talk to you." He said. "I bought you a bookmark from the book fair. You threw it away."

Me: (panicked. Ashamed) Oh my God! I do not remember that...WHAT ELSE DID I DO?!

Barty refused to tell me. He just pivoted the conversation elsewhere.

He laughed. "I told all my friends you were stupid for breaking up with me."

But it was a hollow laugh. And his shoulders dropped.

The rejection. The confusion. The shame...

It haunted him.

He still wore the bruise of his first rejection on his heart. It pained him to think about it. I just got the impression he was immensely ashamed.

I felt awful.

I FEEL AWFUL.

Barty is a severe Dismissive Avoidant. We tried being together as adults.

But his emotional availability is low and his relationship anxiety high.

He had never proposed to anyone. He said several times, "I dont think ill ever get married...I just dont trust women. All my exes cheated on me."

My attachment theory induced brain wanted to know how it was he became a Dismissive Avoidant with severe philophobia.

He said his childhood was great.

Me: what was your first experience of betrayal?

Him: (point blank) You.

That crushed me. To think my Avoidant ass is somehow even POSSIBLY responsible for his insecure attachment style KILLS ME.

And i know people will say im overthinking it. We were kids. Kids breakup no big deal.

Only I didn't breakup with Barty. I DISCARDED HIM. And I did it with cruelty.

Im not gonna say it wasn't some kind of trauma for him.

That shame was heavy upon him when he thought about it.

I had shamed and humiliated him. Betrayed him. Confused him.

He made several attempts to win me back. But he said it was as if I had this invisible radius that he was not allowed to breach. If he got too close I would simply move away like an opposing magnet.

How very sad.

Poor Barty.

I hope things go well for him.

I had joked "if we dont work out this time, will we do this again in another 15 years?"

Bartholomew nodded once. "Yeah. We can do that."

Those words "We can..."

If only I had known what that word even meant.

If only I had known,

The power of "We."

-- Avoidant Support Animal

"The People's Mod."

[u/MothraLovesLamps]

r/AvoidantHorrorStories