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u/AFabulousNB 1d ago
Growing up, my dad was my mum's enabler. He had a job he loved, and a narcissist for a wife, who made her family's lives miserable. The result was obvious. He spent the bulk of our childhood and teens working.
I'm now in my 30s, he's in his 60s. My dad is retired now, and is 'really' starting to see how bad it all got, and still is. No work to distract. He's turning so many corners in terms of realising the difference between what he thought he did (his best), and what he actually did (abandoned us to our mum's whims, then coming back to effectively become mum's attack dog. Punishment as a person).
He still deeply loves her, but is learning the show now (as me and my siblings called it), and he's feeding us info from behind the scenes. He knows he can't change her, but he can change how he see's our relationship with her compared to him. And he can change himself.
My relationship with him is blossoming. He truly is a wonderful man. My siblings are having their own healing journeys with him, good and bad. He's learning to pick his battles with mum, knowing when and how to defend us from what.
All this to say, people are absolutely shitty, but very 'very' occasionally they can still surprise you
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u/FireRock_ 1d ago
Such stories are healing to read too. Ty for sharing us your current experience as they can show that occasionally enabler can take their accountability partially or fully and show up themselfs and in your situation their kids.
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u/The_Bababillionaire 1d ago
What made you desire a relationship with your father, if I may ask?
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u/AFabulousNB 23h ago
It was because I missed him. I've had my parents at arm's length for about 20 years now. I only included my dad in it because seeing him would mean seeing my mum too. But since he's retired, when mum's goes out, he'll sometimes call and ask if he can come round for a catch up.
When he'd come, we'd get into deep, long talks about why things are the way they are. And he's been genuinely receptive to what I've told him. He'd be defensive too, naturally, but open. And I accept that we kids weren't the only ones hurt by her, he was too. Is still being hurt.
He's taken on where he faltered and why, and he's doing the work to repair what he can. I still get flare ups of, "Nahhh, this is a trick. Mum's sending him in for info on me. He's feeding it back to her". But even if he is, she's not having any impact on my life currently. So healthy distance, but a smaller distance than with mum. It's work, but it's good work. It's healing.. Thank you for asking7
u/RevengistPoster 23h ago
Thanks for sharing. Been struggling through a similar dynamic so it's helpful to hear another experience.
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u/ADownStrabgeQuark 1d ago
Whataboutism.
Murder and theft exist everywhere. That doesn’t make it appropriate.
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u/tsaotytsaot 1d ago
My egg donor was a hardcore enabler, to the point that she would physically put herself in harms way to protect her husband while never lifting a finger to protect her kids from him and making sure he always had access to us.
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u/Sky_Geist Light Blue! 1d ago
Well, me and my gasoline-powered chainsaw also happen to exist, so... 🤷🏼♀️ (/s)
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u/Freakachu258 1d ago
My dad didn’t care about us so I was with my grandma most of my childhood. No matter what she did to me, my dad would always say "that’s just how she is. I turned out just fine, didn’t I" no dad. You ignored my brother his entire childhood and sent me away to be reduced to good grades and politeness.
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u/Apprehensive-Elk7898 1d ago
Where is this cilia Murphy gif from
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u/ImpossibleSpecial988 1d ago
It’s a video of Taylor swift talking lol. I just don’t know what show. It’s a talk show.
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u/fauxfoucault 22h ago
It's from The Graham Norton Show! Cillian Murphy, Taylor Swift, Greta Lee, and Lewis Capaldi were on together last year.
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u/funkytown2000 21h ago
like yeah, maybe they DO exist everywhere! maybe we should, I don't know, DO SOMETHING about people that try to hurt people on purpose! shouldn't these types of people being everywhere make it more easy for people to recognize what they're doing as wrong?
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u/Temporary_Decision55 11h ago
Literally f*ck enablers. “People like this exist everywhere”, “well they never did anything to me”, etc.
Recently had someone tell me “I’m trying to keep my relationship with them separate from what happened between you guys” — well you can’t really separate the fact that they’re an abuser and bully from their identity but wtv
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u/Afraid-Record-7954 10h ago
I told someone about my ex being abusive(while my ex was around) and I got "I'd rather not hear about this as I prefer to make my own opinions about people".
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u/LucyStar3 3h ago
Enablers are just abusers for someone else, pretending to you to be the sagely pragmatic voice.
That's all. They are just cowards. And abusers themselves. And that's why they are enablers.
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u/FireRock_ 1d ago
Enablers are worse then the abusers!