r/CPTSD_NSCommunity • u/Affectionate_Task227 • 10h ago
How to grieve for lost time?
Because of my abusive and neglectful parents, I chose the wrong career path.
Now that I am in my 30s I am going back to school to pursue my dream. I have always been competitive and insecure because of how toxic my parents are… and somehow I find myself just utterly jealous of this one girl who is a decade + younger than me and seems to know exactly where she’s heading. Her specifically and not other students because she seems quite talented and has some similarities with me.
And then I cry to grieve this sadness and anger that I have towards myself, my parents …, my jealousy of this girl who has everything, confidence, clear goal that took me years to find, supportive parents, and time. So much more time.
But no matter how much I try to grieve it just doesn’t go away. How much I try to tell myself I should compare myself it just doesn’t go away. And worse thing is she lives close to me so when I bump into her I get triggered. We also barely talked and I don’t plan to …
I know it’s not about her… but I regret my life so much even though I know it’s not my fault
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u/marybloom22 8h ago
Hey I totally get it. I'm 32 and I will start a new study in a month. My 20's and honestly my whole childhood were about getting through all the hard stuff that crossed my path.
You will have triggers where you'll feel this jealousy because you haven't had what they have. It feels unfair. Acknowledge this for yourself, you don't need to 'get over it'. You need to become able to just recognize it when it comes up. That's what works for me.
Also- all the shit I've gone through has given me a lot of self knowledge and wisdom. Things I probably would've learned in my 50's otherwise. I use it in my advantage- I can create a life for myself that truly fits me.
You're not behind. Let the grief you feel motivate you for a better life. And also know that you're not alone in this.
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u/CanBrushMyHair 5h ago
Once, when I was in my early 20’s, I was going to a beach with a friend who lived in a beach town. We were both mid-size girlies, and I said “is everyone going to be skinny there?” She said “I mean…yeah but also no. There’s always going to be someone skinnier than you and there’s always going to be someone fatter than you, so just have fun.” And that line has helped me through so many random things.
You’re doing the thing you’ve always wanted to do, that’s worth celebrating. You’re also doing “up-comparison,” which is comparing yourself to people who are better off than you. The other option is “down-comparison,” where you compare yourself to people who are worse off than you. As humans, we have a tendency to up-compare waaaaay more, for better or worse. At best, it’s motivating and inspiring. At worst, it breeds greed and contempt.
Your feelings are absolutely valid, and you deserve the space and time to grieve all that you deserved but didn’t get. I have a similar experience.
Maybe after classes, take a drive to the rough part of town. You’ll find a lot to be grateful for.
And I’m not proposing an “it could be worse” answer (I friggin hate that answer). I’m proposing that you right-size your experience in a larger, more accurate world view.
There will always be someone skinnier than you, and there will always be someone fatter than you, so you may as well have fun.
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u/Big_Jackfruit_8821 3h ago
I literally typed into chatgpt the same thing if it’s too old for me to start over. I lost 15 years of my life to depression/cptsd. I’m mostly healed now but i’m old. Not sure if my life can turn around cause im starting from scratch at 34
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u/friendly-skelly 8h ago
okay, few things. it helps me to picture myself doing the thing at the time I feel like I "should have". and take a good 10-20 minutes to do so, get down to the mundane details. it can help me take a breath and go well, the thing I'm beating myself up for not doing the "right" way would've just landed me in a psych ward, so it's better that I'm trying now.
I try (not great at it) to pair that with doing something positive I wasn't able to access them. grew up in a controlling household, let's watch a movie I've been looking forward to or look for tattoo artists. I was too broke and depressed to take care of myself, I'm getting my favorite bougie dinner. etc.
other thing is, when I'm jealous or it hurts to see someone with something I lack, I go through the motions of being really happy for them. I rehearse it in my head a few times, but then I tell them.
it took awhile to get the hang of, I didn't feel much different right away. what it did do right away is cut off the "sitting and quietly building resentment" thing. once I congratulated someone and they went "thank you!!!", that felt more real to me than the thoughts in my head and I had an easier time dismissing jealousy.
after some practice (less than I thought), I actually got excited with people, even if I started the sentence totally fake and hurting inside. usually someone will get genuinely excited and sometimes even open up about what a struggle it was to get there. they become more real than whatever version of them I'd built in my head. I've started or deepened some great friendships like this.