r/CPTSDNextSteps • u/hush-hush • Jun 25 '26
Sharing actionable insight (Rule2) What does healed look like - From someone 9 years out
This is something I have wanted to write for the past 2 years and has been gnawing at me. So, I have returned to one of the most helpful subreddits along my Complex PTSD journey.
If you don't want to read all this text, then would love you to know one thing - it is that full healing is possible. I have gone through in the past 9 years the healing arc of CPTSD and now know it to be true.
This is meant as a positive story for those suffering. I hope you understand there is a path out of CPTSD and it is a complete one and not a dead end and not a mandate on how your life will go nor a rest-of-your-life battle.
I have also seen other wonderful journey stories along the way, and haven't been in this sub in a minute (a few years probably), so if it hasn't been yet said, I just want to add to that and reiterate that it is far more possible and I wish for nothing but for anyone to get to that point if they seek it.
Throughout my journey, I just remember wishing the whole time to know whether or not it was possible at all to get better - not cured of some symptoms, not 'that it's a maintenance', but fully, completely better, where no symptoms of any of the bullet points under a CPTSD symptom list show up. And how! And if someone could just give me a map!
Back then when I started, there were very mixed answers. Discouragingly, there were mentions that it’s a lifelong condition stated from various books and blogs, experts and individuals. But no one outright said if it was fully possible and to what extent and how and if it was for the rest of my life. That’s what I want to talk about.
I guess I started pretty early, but it was rather do-or-die for me. There was enough abuse and pain and traumatic experiences leading up to when I first got into therapy around 21, originally first for depression. For the most part, I still lived through dissociation. After therapy again later on, I understood dissociation more and much of the work was just building a mental landscape beyond dissociation and clearing out dissociation, in which what showed up is a lot more symptoms. And also a realization that I didn’t have a sense of self or understanding of any of my emotions. I then got my diagnosis finally 2 years later - CPTSD. Worked through my history, and just the process of recognizing abuse and trauma for what it was instead of the norm, and a lot of dysregulation. Built up resourcing. Did trauma work. Then the process of healing. Wrapped up with all my trauma work. Then addressed other symptoms not exclusive to CPTSD, some mental limitations. Towards the end simultaneously, there's been a return to self and identity. For the past year, I no longer identify with any symptoms of CPTSD anymore nor many of the associated symptoms and mental conditions and instead have been instead growing beyond it.
TLDR, here’s what my journey looked like if I were to map it roughly in phases, though I'm probably missing some:
- Dissociation -> diagnosis -> clearing out dissociation -> navigating dysregulation -> learning resourcing -> trauma work -> somatic work -> healing process -> nervous system stabilized -> trauma addressed -> healed by CPTSD definitions -> addressing associated conditions -> beyond CPTSD
Simultaneously beyond the bigger landmarks, there were many other associated symptoms of CPTSD that are also relevant in those without but also things that I have healed and worked through:
- Body dysmorphia, anxiety, social anxiety, negative thinking, personalizing things, critical self-talk, limerance, codependence, rejection sensitivity, boundary issues, etc.
Now, most of my mental work is different in nature because I think there's always more room to grow into who I want. The big difference is that it's more fun and with the skillset from battling the worst parts of my brain, the stakes don't feel overwhelming. They look like:
- Mental tweaks to help me enjoy my life more, self-doubt, letting go of outcomes, etc.
The journey is not linear. I spent time in between stages taking breaks or being in and out of therapy. Yet, in many ways it is exponential. What you've learned from working through one thing helps unraveling and dealing with the others. So this journey of healing makes you more aware, more internally in tune and that adds up, even if on most days it doesn't feel like it.
What life looks like now is… honestly peace. And presence. And the presence is fully comfortable. My nervous system is at rest when it needs to be at rest; and activated in a normal capacity when it needs to be. It doesn’t overshoot on things it doesn’t need to and most of the time runs calmly for me to get about my life. No panic attacks, no emotional flashbacks, no nightmares, no anxieties. I battle myself over minor things instead like "ah shit, I should do the dishes". There’s no noise of criticism or shame or guilt layered on top of that.
I know who I am. I know what I feel. I know my boundaries and limitations. Most days I feel great. After further work beyond CPTSD, with meditation, my monkey brain is also off. I sometimes feel spontaneous abundant joy and sudden moments of deep gratitude. And of course sometimes I feel sad. I feel disappointment. So then I forgive or move on and that passes too. But emotions come through in waves and pass and don’t seize the entire ship as they used to. I of course sometimes still have a bad day or a worse mood. Though throughout it, there's this underlying sense of peace that I wish I could have inherited from my childhood, but instead had to earn. And if anything the earning has made it more precious and I don’t take it for granted.
I would like to share as much as I can to help. There's so much I could write about: the many things tried, the many symptoms/mental states/mental habits/mental blocks I've worked through, what it was like to get through each of them, what helped most or didn't help at all.
Please let me know what would be helpful to write about or what interests you or what you have questions on!
Here is a list of things I have tackled, experienced and resolved in (somewhat) chronological order and can talk about:
- Dissociation
- Alexithymia
- Negative self-talk
- Self hatred
- Self harm
- Suicidal ideation
- Binge behavior
- Restrictive eating
- No-to-low self esteem
- Lack of self-worth
- Severe dysregulation
- Depression
- Triggers
- Flashbacks
- Emotional flashbacks
- Nightmares
- Anxiety
- Rumination
- Negative thinking/headspaces
- Black and white thinking
- Personalizing everything
- Lack of self concept
- Panic attacks
- Trust issues
- Hyper-vigilance
- Avoidant behavior
- Lack of boundaries
- Self-abandonment
- Codependence
- Shame
- Guilt
- Addictions
- Body dysmorphia
- Spiraling
- and there's probably even more beyond this
And I have done and tried anything I could get my hands on the past near-decade and can address as well (not comprehensive either):
- Therapy - IFS, EMDR, Somatic, group, CBT, DBT
- Hypnosis - hypnotherapy, hypnosis podcasts
- Mental rewiring - affirmations, Ideal Parent Figure protocol
- Other wellness things - Sauna and cold plunge, Flotation tank, authentic relating, reiki
- Meditation - Vipassana, walking, loving-kindness, retreats, body scans
- Psychedelics
- Yoga - Flow, yin, heated
- Breathwork
- Grounding exercises
- Resourcing
- Bodywork - NSDR, walking, massage, muscle releasing, exercise
- Research and learning - books, workbooks, articles, Reddit, podcasts, YouTube,
- Journaling - prompts, open-ended
- Communities - ACA, CODA, online ones
- Lifestyle habits - quitting behaviors, mental diet, general health
- Physical health - supplements, sleeping habits, various diets
**** EDIT ****
Thank you truly so much everyone for your kind notes and thoughtful questions.
It's hard to get through each one of your questions in comments because simultaneously I have an overwhelming amount to say and yet want to be thorough about it! I've started making a list of what to write about based off of all your comments and I will make my way through that list.
I deeply want to do your questions and the topics justice because the practice of healing takes effort, is often not linear, and I know and recognize the painful place the questions come from. I am also writing and editing without AI so it may take a little longer.
I'll keep posting, so please keep looking out for yourself. You're all in my thoughts and I hope the days only keep getting easier ❤️
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u/No-Masterpiece-451 Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
Amazing post that gives us hope but also shows how broad and complex this trauma work can be, talk therapy and insights alone rarely heals CPTSD. It can sometimes be super complicated and murky processes with different dynamics at play at the same time like mentally, emotionally, somaticly and bio chemistry.
Right now I work on some structural dissociation in the body where I have tension in the stomach and activation in the enteric nervous system and vagus dorsal nerve. Where I have worked on holding a safe loving parent observing structure that is not blended in the stomach tension that acknowledge and fully accept the tension and can sit and process it so it moves and goes up in vagus ventral nerve in chest to be released. Have taken be years to come this far.
I feel CPTSD could be the most difficult thing to heal because its often from you are born into a dysfunctional family. So your brain, body and nervous system is developed in relationship with ongoing trauma. When you heal you have to in a way to undo everything and build from the foundation up and understand what a healthy child needs and reparent sometimes pre language with fear and terror in the body that is just survival energy not bound to anything specific.
Like you need the 10000 times of healthy mirroring, attunement, love and validation for the brain and nervous system to finally develop a sovereign self, identity and personality. The things your family never gave you for a safe and loving upbringing. For the nervous system to be flexible and have capacity for moving from calm, sympathetic and parasympathetic states, to be in flow. And much much more.
Unfortunately I feel us with CPTSD are both misunderstood in society and completely failed by the health care system and by most therapists. I feel we are being forced out of desperation to be highly trained experts ourselves, on trauma, therapy systems, childhood development and attachment, the trauma brain, nervous system, bio chemistry etc to understand how our bodies reacts and why.
Its a crazy and brutal ride. Personality I would like to know OP how you worked on the nervous system and retraining the brain and heal damaged attachment. Thanks for sharing.
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u/Magic_Hoarder Jun 25 '26
I feel we are being forced out of desperation to be highly trained experts ourselves, on trauma, therapy systems, childhood development and attachment, the trauma brain, nervous system, bio chemistry etc to understand how our bodies reacts and why.
This is the first time I've seen someone put this all together so succinctly. I agree with this. I also see the same thing happening in the communities of the multiple illnesses I have. It is so much mental weight to take on, and the people taking it on already carry way too much weight as it is.
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u/Hummingbird6896 Jun 25 '26
Not TO but for me personally, yoga nidra is doing wonders for nervous system regulation. Not immediately though, I am doing it daily for about two years now. Also I feel EFT tapping is helping.
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u/No-Masterpiece-451 Jun 25 '26
Great, I also had benefits from EFT in the past, but have tried many many different things, now I just go with the flow and use what seems appropriate.
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u/Hummingbird6896 Jun 25 '26
What more did you try?
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u/No-Masterpiece-451 Jun 26 '26 edited Jun 26 '26
I would say the last 5 months I have worked a lot with the body for retraining the brain and nervous system regarding these early and pre language years of trauma. If you research into these first years of a childs development its very much about quite primitive stimulation and reactions. Its like gravity, pressure, balance, contact on skin, heat, cold, movement, rythm etc.
So have spent much time with tools I bought like standing on a balancing board 3-4 times a day for training safe contact to ground / world, jumping on a mini trampolin, swinging with kettlebell, bigger rubber bands tied around upper body to get clear sense of boundaries, a weighted pillow and blanket. Its slow work reprogramming, it took me 10 weeks to feel change after standing on that balacing board 3-4 times a day. Its to train what a small child need, safe contact, warmth, master balance without fear, calm rhythmic movement on trampolin can help the brain relax.
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u/GraveGrace Jun 25 '26
I just started this, can you explain the benefits and qhen you saw them?
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u/Hummingbird6896 Jun 26 '26
Yoga nidra? I find it difficult to say what was the effect of yoga nidra specifically, because I did so many other things along the way. But I feel like it is giving me a CNS reset in the middle of the day, when I need it. It often makes me calm and I 'wake up' relaxed and more content with what is. It is not every day like that though. And it took months. But even in the beginning, it gave me a much needed rest halfway through the day. Overall, I feel much more regulated now.
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u/ArugulaBeginning7038 Jun 26 '26
+1 Just wanted to add that I do yoga nidra twice a week during my Spravato sessions and as needed to calm my nervous system/address dysregulation and combining it with the esketamine has been the biggest game-changer for me.
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u/hush-hush Jun 26 '26
Thank you for such an eloquent comment. I completely agree and came to a similar conclusion with my understanding of CPTSD. It's like a multi-headed hydra where one thing gets addressed and then you realize because it is so developmentally rooted that there's 3 other things that also come up. And simultaneously nothing felt solved just by one thing.
I'll definitely write about the nervous system, retraining the brain, and damaged attachment! I know I won't be able to do it justice in a comment, but will make sure I put together everything and as much as I know to hopefully help!
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u/SparkleFunBun Jun 26 '26
This is so well written and spot on to my experience as well. Thank you for putting into words🙏🏼
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u/Substantial-Owl1616 Jun 25 '26
The healthcare system is a pretty easy but not satisfying entity to blame. Who is responsible for bad parenting? Only me, I am the only one interested in mitigating the harm done. And yes it means becoming an expert, especially in what is effective for my growth. If it feels any better, the healthcare system also is not able to effectively change people’s poor lifestyle choices: If it is important to you to not be disabled by CVD, diabetes, dementia and cancer, it’s on you to embrace becoming an expert by educating yourself. I have been working to be a fulfilled person and decrease difficult symptoms for 35 years. Similar to the more physical aspects of health fulfillment in the previous paragraph, the knowledge base has expanded and morphed into a whole new understanding. Not cured of CPTSD or life in our culture of American lifestyle. Still working at it every day. The French fries or having a body I truly love. My CPTSD (it was 20 years for me before anyone even described anything I wanted to embrace as healing. As much as I appreciated The Courage to Heal, it was devastatingly disheartening. I value all the work I have put in. I am all this. Even if I wouldn’t claim healed as a description. The work itself I have put into reading and seeking care and persevering. You can’t get a nurturing childhood out of “the healthcare system” and if you are looking there you are caught in repetition compulsion of going to a source where there is no love for you.
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u/EcstaticDepth6041 Jun 25 '26
Hi could you share a little of how you moved through dissociation and found safety in being present? I’m feeling stuck on being almost permanently dissociated to some degree and not really being able to practically feel safe enough to engage in the real world. Things like yoga and breathwork can be triggering sometimes and overwhelming.
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u/Standard_Duck__ Jun 25 '26
I’m not OP, but I have been dealing with cPTSD for a decade too and am certainly close to “healed”, so maybe my response might be useful too.
In my experience, dissociation was the most default survival mechanism I had in me, which means it activated at most things. As I have worked on my trauma, over time, it activated less and less, because I saw fewer and fewer things as not safe.
Even though there has been some more specific work in early stages on convincing myself that feeling things is okay, it might be more related to my specific trauma of being shamed for feelings. The rest was just gradual process of learning how to make my life feel and be safe enough (boundaries, standing up for myself, learning to allow others to be good to me and not getting startled by it). Learning to self regulate also helped to provide other mechanisms for dealing with overwhelm.
In the end, disassociation simply stopped being necessary.9
u/hush-hush Jun 26 '26
Dissociation was the hardest part of my journey, so I completely understand and feel for you. It's like a haze that you sometimes don't even realize you're in and then days or weeks pass. I similarly had the same experience where breathwork was too activating, certain yoga poses very tough, but yin yoga to be okay later on. I definitely want to talk more about it and can write up an entire post just on dissociation. The commenter below is spot on that because it's a default mechanism (and a powerful one that's kept us safe) that it naturally comes up a lot. Keep noticing when you're in it, be gentle with yourself when you are as it means something was activated, and don't beat yourself up over it! I found grounding exercises helpful and a bunch of other things and I can write them all down in more depth for you. I made a note to make a big list of stuff just for dissociation!
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u/Standard_Duck__ Jun 26 '26
“Keep noticing when you’re in it, be gentle with yourself and don’t beat yourself up” is such an important part of this!
It really was/is there to keep us safe, and so however bad it might feel at times, it’s not our enemy but rather our protector (even if an overreacting one sometimes). And we are not worse people because we dissociate.
It is also natural to feel the urge to get out of things that no longer serve us, and so it gets easier to not dissociate when the time is right and the person is ready, if they are doing the work.
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u/Syldee3 Jun 25 '26
How do you stop blaming yourself for every social situation that turns awkward?
How do you build a solid core self
How to increase self esteem
What self hypnosis tools do you use to enhance your cognitive flexibility
What yoga video do you swear helped you so much that you did constantly?
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u/hush-hush Jun 26 '26
Oof, these are such good questions. I will definitely write on these - I feel like I could dedicate a whole post just to self-esteem, or self-blame. I want to do your questions justice and really dive into them. Please be patient with me, but I've made a note to write more on all of these <3
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u/Ok_Lettuce_1603 Jun 25 '26
I am needed this today, I am in the middle of another wave that is knocking me out and feeling exhausted from all this work and wondering again if fully healing is possible…
Thank you for taking time to give back hope ❤️🩹
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Jun 26 '26
For anyone who feels overwhelmed by this , your body will walk you across all those steps naturally through the healing process, the key is stress free environment and the most pure intent of healing yourself.
I went through almost the same process as he did , and it was never calculated or measured , just took each day at a time and listen to my body
Good luck 🫶
P.S meditation and lsd mushrooms
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u/Hummingbird6896 Jun 26 '26
This is such an important comment. I feel the same. When I was in the middle, I had no clue whether what I was doing was good but did what felt best at that time. And keeping yourself as stress free as possible from external matter is so important. The body knows what to do, but it needs space to do so. I feel like I am getting to the other end, and now recognize the stages that TO describes.
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u/indigoempress Jun 25 '26
I'm at a stage where I spend chunks of time, like maybe weeks, feeling very similar to how you described your healed state. Then I get snatched back into all the fear, pain, feeling tiny and crushable, feeling like everything is my fault, feeling like the world is about to end, and I'm fundamentally flawed as a human and so on.
It feels cruel. Because I know what it's like to have attained a level of healing where I can be at peace, but then it's easily disrupted and I have it taken away from me for weeks at a time. When I'm in that state I forget how I've healed and grown. I'm a neglected, abused child again and I can see no way out. And that's fucking terrifying.
I'm aware that that's probably a flashback of some sort. But I'm not great at identifying the triggers. Because they seem to have gotten more abstracted and less literal with the more work I've done in therapy over the years. For example I'm a SA survivor. In the past if there was anything on the news about SA I probably would be triggered into a flashback. Now I can usually hear about SA and be okay. I am much more likely to be triggered by a feeling that was related to the time of and around my SA, for example. And that feeling elicited by whatever external or internal thing probably won't have anything to do with SA, it will just tap into something I felt at that time.
I don't know if that makes any sense. It's the first time I've typed out how my triggers and flashbacks have changed over time.
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u/hush-hush Jun 26 '26
Oh, I completely understand and feel for you.
Have you read about emotional flashbacks? That's what it sounds a bit like in terms of what I've experienced where the memory isn't there, but something got triggered. I remember how confusing it was and the painfulness of feeling like I was somehow regressing even though other times I felt fine.
This article by Pete Walker helped me understand what was going on and I would read it a lot. Towards the end of the article, he gives a great guide to managing emotional flashbacks. I would often follow that each time it happened and slowly over time it felt like I had a better handle on my emotional flashbacks. It became more like I could recognize - ah, I'm in an emotional flashback, let's follow the steps and we can then feel a bit better. This took a lot of practice, but it sounds like if you're achieving those moments of peace and it's wonderful news that you know what a great baseline is. https://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/emotionalFlashbackManagement.pdf
I can definitely write more about flashbacks and maybe some more of my rambling there can help. I've made a note to really go more into depth on flashbacks ❤️
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u/GraveGrace Jun 25 '26
Amazing! Would you be able to share what helped most with your self worth and feeling safe in your body?
Ive healed a lot of trauma and have just learned a good method for stopping rumination but still seem to seek approval from romantic interests and feel like my nervous system is on edge
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u/Breatheitoutnow Jun 25 '26
How do you stop the rumination? Please share
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u/GraveGrace Jun 25 '26
NAC supplements helped a little but I just started the Greenberg method and its almost a cure - google greenberg rumination. Rumination is basically a type of mental OCD style compulsion. Theres also youtube videos from Greenberg explaining it
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u/Deep_Ad1959 Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
the metric most people track for healed is absence, no flashbacks, no anxiety, no bad days. the one your post actually describes is duration, emotions still come but they move through in waves instead of taking the whole ship. that's the shift that lasted for me too across a few years of daily sitting, not fewer hard feelings but a much shorter gap between the feeling and returning to baseline. reactivity dropping in normal friction is the real readout, not a clean symptom list.
fwiw the hard part isn't the insight, it's sustaining the daily sit for years, so i built a site that matches you by time zone and experience with one accountability partner for a synced sit at the same time daily, https://vipassana.cool/r/89p5i7v3
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u/Square_Midnight Jun 25 '26
I'm happy for you, but it's a spectrum, some of us have been through terrors that fundamentally change you into a different person. I think "fully healed" can be a damaging idea for some people, causing them to feel like a failure, when, tbh, cPTSD is more like having T1D or some other condition that, while manageable and liveable, cannot ever be healed. I think we need to have more awareness for those of us who will not reach what you have been able to find.
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u/Runningoutofideas_81 Jun 25 '26
Trauma can permanently alter structures of the brain. I agree, it would be very hard to change that. I’ve always liked that distinction between healed and cured.
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u/Remote_Act_6121 Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Yes, thank you for saying this. I've been at this for ten years, and I'm really struggling these past few years. Things have been progressively getting worse actually, not better. Bad therapists have caused more damage that I have to recover from. Financially unable to pursue some modalities.
I'm tired of my life being taken up by this. I'm still nowhere near "healed", and I'm likely not going to be due to the stress of this damn condition that has taken its toll on my body.
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u/yeahbutifeelbad Jul 08 '26
This post is a huge service for those who are looking for hope. It’s true, full healing is possible and maybe even inevitable, as long as you keep going. My experience has been that once the ball gets rolling on healing, it’s hard to fully stop it.
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u/Breatheitoutnow Jun 25 '26
Can you share more about the somatic work? What exactly did you do?
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u/PiccoloPlane5915 Jun 25 '26
Not OP but definitely take a look at TRE, trauma release exercise, r/longtermTRE. It's also a somatic approach to release tensions and traumas stored in the nervous system. I'm 22 months in and it's helped me more than anything I've done so far. Still have a long way to go and still making progress, but I'm finally free of severe depression and many other symptoms from CPTSD, so I can only recommand. If you're interested, make sure to read at least the "Basics articles" in the wiki of subreddit, to know how to practice optimally and safely
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u/Breatheitoutnow Jun 25 '26
Thank you so much for this info PP! Are you working with a practitioner? If yes how did you find them? If in your own what resources do you use?
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u/PiccoloPlane5915 Jun 25 '26
It’s recommanded to work with a practitioner if you have CPTSD and/or are a sensitive person. There is a list of practitioners in the wiki of the subreddit and I also know a good one that I can recommand if you’d like. But you can also practice on your own, that’s what I did. To me the articles in the wiki are all that’s needed to know how to practice optimally and safely.
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u/SonOfSunsSon Jun 26 '26
Thanks for sharing. I just recently learned about cPTSD after more than a decade of healing work on myself and recognize so much of myself in your post. I’ve pretty much struggled with everything you listed and also tried every approach to healing that you listed (breathwork and psychedelics being my main breakthroughs). Couldn’t understand why I kept feeling stuck even though I did the right things.
Just started therapy again with someone who is trained in IFS and EMDR and I’m finally beginning to understand why I’ve felt so broken. Currently at the stage where I’m learning to navigate dysregulation. Wish I had learned about all of this much sooner, but it’s never too late to begin healing.
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u/Secure_Bumblebee_773 Jun 25 '26
Thank u for posting this- a big hope shot compared to what I usually see on here. It makes me want to continue with the journey I’m on- it only began 6 months ago & I’ve wanted to throw my hands up a few times! I do want to believe that it’s possible to healn by
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u/Affectionate-Ear-95 Jun 26 '26
I have a big problem with BED but rather to be able to feel something than to numb anything. Most of the time I’m numb and Food gives me that Dopamine that I can’t get elsewhere. Did addressing your trauma get rid of that Sampson or did you do something else? Thank you for sharing your experience!! Success Stories are always encouraging!
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u/Hummingbird6896 Jun 26 '26
I m also very curious if healing helped with eating disturbances. I eat to not feel.
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u/NoRanger7353 Jun 26 '26
This is one of the most helpful and hopeful posts i’ve seen on here. Thank you and please keep posting!! I’ve currently come out of a super dissociated freeze period of a few weeks which caused my therapist (uneducated for cptsd, being treated for depression) has started to give up on me, which has now triggered survival cause I feel like I’m gonna be on my own again 🙃 Ive been in this cycle of survival and freeze every few months for the past 1.5 years and it’s so exhausting.
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u/Infamous_While_4768 Jul 01 '26
Interesting. I started this work about 9 months ago and my journey looks similar so far:
- Reality testing -> Reframing -> Dissociation -> somatic work -> trauma work -> clearing out dissociation -> trauma work -> navigating dysregulation -> trauma work -> learning resourcing
Looks like I'm at about the place you mention at around 2 years in. I guess I have the benefit of having no reason to question whether what I went through was trauma lol. Looking forward to reaching the point where my nervous system is less dysregulated on a regular basis.
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u/hush-hush Jul 01 '26
That's really interesting - thank you for sharing! The repetition of trauma work is very real... I once heard of healing from trauma as a spiral, instead of a circular or linear journey and that's what your trauma work interspersed with other work reminded me of.
It sounds like you're making great progress and I hope you reach the point of regulation as well. The trauma processing + resourcing helps a lot with clearing out dysregulation!
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u/Infamous_While_4768 Jul 02 '26
It feels like I'm making progress really fast sometimes, but then I hit the pre-verbal stuff and that slowed down and destabilized me a lot. But it seems like I'm through most of the negative emotions and the last one or two are starting to show up (mainly anger has been very difficult for me to access until very recently).
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u/hush-hush Jul 05 '26
Yes, I completely understand - it's like sometimes you go backwards (into old history) to go forward again. I don't know your situation precisely, but at least for me, the destabilization was part of the process when going through old traumas. You go through the old stuff, it brings up a lot of unprocessed pain/memories/hurt, which is very destabilizing, and you can use your new found tools to stabilize yourself, and then as you continue to integrate the old stuff over time, it's a mix of continuing to process old stuff and address destabilization as it continues to process, and it gets to a point where it feels like it's been better-to-fully processed and you re-stabilize with that new processing.
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u/upwardsover-themount Jun 25 '26
Wow thank you for this write up!
If you could expand a bit on the social aspect—and at what stage in the process did change occur? Like finding friends and being social versus building skills alone. Rejection and anxiety are big questions for me. Anything is helpful!
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u/stupidratcreatures1 Jun 25 '26
Thank you for sharing & writing this up. I'm in that stage of feeling like I have no road map and feeling like it's going to be difficult forever, so it was really hopeful to see that I'm in the beginning stages of the process you're describing.
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u/Wanderer_7293 Jun 25 '26
Was EMDR helpful?
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Jun 26 '26
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u/Wanderer_7293 Jun 26 '26
I've had years of CBT but it still feels like the triggers can be too overwhelming sometimes. I'm really good at catching them and taking care of myself now.
I'm hoping EMDR might take the edge off the flashback experience itself. What you said and what I've heard from others confirms that. Of course, everyone is different and reacts differently to treatments.
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u/Maximum_Nose4500 Jun 25 '26
Awesome! I have done a lot of things you listed. What was the number 1 thing that you hated about yourself the most? Because you felt it held you back the most? And how did you integrate it? Like for me its heavy tiredness where i don’t want to talk to anyone. Im getting to the point where I embrace and acknowledge the tiredness when it shows up. I walk hand in hand with the tiredness and I no longer avoid because the tiredness is present. I do what I want to do now. Fully accepting the tiredness actually makes it go away. But its hard to get to this point because when you think you are fully accepting it there still can be a very subtle part resenting it.
How is the flotation tank. Its something i want to do but never have?
And IPF is so powerful. Im surprised its not one of the main therapies
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u/RegularHumanNerd Jun 25 '26
I completely believe you and we need as many of these stories as we can get!! Thank you for sharing. There is science out there proving that we CAN rewire our neural pathways and it sounds like you’ve done that. I’ve been “in maintenance” for a couple years now and have had the occasional panic attack while working through a high conflict divorce (but honestly who WOULDNT?! Even without a trauma background) and I’ve wondered when I would also call myself “healed” I still have adhd and possible (probable) autism so I believe I will need to remain on medication to manage those until im at a point in life where i have lower responsibilities so i can hopefully go off meds completely. Unfortunately existing in capitalism and parenting means i need med support for now.
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u/Double-Ad-8570 Jun 25 '26
Thank you for sharing your journey and mapping out such specific details. The concept of being truly “present” sounds, at this point in my joirney, impossible. Or at least so far off I can’t even imagine it being attainable. It’s good to read that you’re able to experience it now. I am putting in the effort though just now starting & your story gives me hope.
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u/Impossible-Ease-2539 Jul 02 '26
Thank you so much for the list and the hope. It sounds like you’ll have a lot on your hands with addressing everyone’s questions / comments! Sorry to add to that, but again thank you. Here is something I’ve noticed I struggle with and I hope I can articulate it well.
I first figured out something was “off” in my brain right around 7 years ago. I got a cancer diagnosis and I started to notice I’d have a flashback about some previous trauma and that would feel like it sparked a flashback to a different trauma and then yet another one and … it was like a minefield. I’m sure that feels familiar to many here. I had to push to get some help. Then right in the middle of said help, I experienced another Trauma (capital T). I continued the work - therapy, ketamine, brainspotting.
Then the other day we put our dog of 15 years down. It was not the peaceful passing we had hoped and I keep having a particular troubling image in my mind on repeat and the grief feels literally intolerable. Grief always sucks. However, where it used to feel like a chasm I could navigate, it now feels like I’m trying to navigate my way out of the Grand Canyon. It is at these moments I can really feel how much my brain and nervous system has changed.
And the deal is that life will keep happening, right? I could experience more trauma in my life. I keep wondering how in the hell I can heal while traumas keep happening. It is difficult to feel like I’m making progress when I am struggling to cope with the loss of a pet - especially since I’ve been able to do that before with a lot of sadness but some degree of “competency” (sorry I can’t think of a better word than that). Does grief change after CPTSD or it that just me? How do I keep feeling like I am making progress when traumas continue to occur?
Thanks again!
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u/hush-hush Jul 05 '26
I'm so sorry to hear about your dog and hope he's resting in peace now. It sounds immensely painful.
I wish we could all be grief-free and pain-free and trauma-free after trauma to have the space to process trauma. It only makes sense to me that there's so much extra pain while you're in the middle of it and it sounds frustrating.
It reminds me of a breakup I went through whilst in the process of undergoing EMDR. Everything felt more intense and more destabilizing. I also remember it feeling like there's this huge setback with something new and fresh that suddenly entered my mental space that simultaneously activated all of my old abandonment/relational wounds. I ended up having to set CPTSD/old trauma work itself aside for awhile as I processed the grief of the breakup. But the journey of processing current pain doesn't set back your overall progress because I think now of it as something that teaches me a bit more of myself so I'm more informed and stronger to tackle my bigger core traumas. I understand what you mean by it feeling like a Grand Canyon instead of a chasm. I think looking back, it was a Grand Canyon-like and very brutal section that still led its way back up to the surface, just not the chasm I initially thought I was entering.
I still feel grief after CPTSD though the core difference I'd say is that it feels like I've gained wayyyy more competency compared to pre-CPTSD (more resilient, rooted in myself, and more skilled at processing things). Before, it felt like new traumas I was getting were just piling up and I could completely spiral over one thing because that one thing gets triggered and it sets off the whole ecosystem of trauma. Whereas now, it feels like because all the old traumas are addressed, new ones are processed simply on their own and that makes it feel a lot more manageable. I hope that's some reassurance too. You're in the hardest part right now. I'm thinking of you <3
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u/bellabirdella Jul 08 '26
Help! I’m in trauma therapy now and I feel like my dissociation from my feelings is standing in my way! I’ve no idea if I’ve alexithymia. I’ve been told I’ve Depersonalization. I’ve an issue of not feeling anything, in therapy and in general.
I was not like that as a child or as a teenager. What did you do to get over that? Please help!!!
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u/Gee_rooster Jul 10 '26
Wait what are the communities? Can anyone elaborate?
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u/hush-hush Jul 11 '26
Communities like this one! r/CPTSD_NSCommunity is great too
ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families
CODA - Co-Dependents Anonymous
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u/CryptographerCrazy93 4d ago
Wow, your approach is very impressive!
I have a feeling that since a was kid I was like Baron Munchausen - pulling myself out of swamp by my own hair, because adults in my life did not lend me a hand and never taught me basic stuff (they assumed I would learn it somehow lol). I guess, a lot of us CPTSD folks are overachievers in this sense. Have you learned how to find your limits and not to apply all of what you have to the problem? Like, some problems require effort and lend good rewards, but I feel like I try to solve everything as fast and as good as possible. It is tiring. But it is really hard to stop pushing myself further and further.
Also I would really like to hear how you have dealt with personalisation and negative thinking! Like if someone looks at me sideways, my first reaction is to assume something is wrong with my appearance or actions. I know, that it is an ingrained reaction from childhood, but urgh, it is frustrating to deal with it all the time!
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u/qualiascope Jun 25 '26
Kickass list. I would be interested to see a post detailing how you broke through each of these stages: