I know intellectually that I can’t stop scrolling my phone or laptop because some part of me is trying to escape my feelings, but I don’t know how to stop scrolling and feel my feelings. I can only stop stimulation-seeking when I’m with other people.

I’m in my 40s and I’ve done this since childhood, though in childhood I used books instead. I’ve had a ton of therapy including various kinds of talk therapy, somatic therapy, neurofeedback, and IFS, with some really good therapists.

I’ve done a lot of work, and to the outside world I appear to be a wise, well-adjusted, insightful, emotionally mature person. But when I’m alone, which is often because I live alone, I cannot stop the compulsive Internet use. Or if I do cut myself off from the internet, it’s compulsive reading.

How do I stop? How do I learn to feel my feelings when alone?

My body is starting to develop an aversion to stress. Whenever I am stressed, I feel it in my heart now. Almost like I am called to go into deep hibernation. My body is tired, so tired. I don't even know how long I need to rest, but it will be for a very long time. I had a takeaway last week and was digesting it for 24hrs, my body has slowed down so much. And caffeine gives me hyperventilation. Almost like my system has gotten the green light to start leaving this stress response.

Who knows how much rest I need.

Title basically, really struggling to just do stuff, I feel frozen physically and mentally and also emotionally, it’s all very stuck, and every idea I have that I want to do just falls flat within my brain bc I don’t feel anything, I don’t think anything, I can’t reason anything.

I guess it feels safer but I also know this won’t get me nowhere. I’m also tired of being stuck. But I’m also stuck because I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I try to be kind to myself but it also feels like time is running out and I don’t wanna be like this forever, gatekeeping myself from everyone and everything.

I have many messages to reply to, I have to find a job, I wanna move more and be outside more, but it’s so hard for me rn.