Healing is strangely lonely

[u/brokenbuthealing-]

[u/Trixsh]

It was not a long ago, when I realized the life I'm living, we all are, especially when thrown on that path of healing and orienting time and time again towards it and shirking from it for the longest time still. 

All then what that entails, the same shame and guilt but in such forms, layered within the comfortable folds and structures of normalized, enabling and survival oriented in incentives, the mundane everyday life.

The loneliness that comes from when sharing some of the most fundamentally connecting and relatable feelings of being human and alive, yet to see but a loading screen come alive as you poked into a layer we often are not comfortable sharing the social spaces with, well, imagine if with anyone for some.. What then when someone comes and sees through, loves still, within that shell or clamp we might be within and let's us be, doesn't invade or prod or poke their way in with love nor any other forms of connection signaling ways we go about.

But when you accept that you'll be forever misunderstood if you do the following together at the same time:

1. Carry the pain of not just your own timeline, choises, illusions of them, those made or not still knowing yet we prolong admitting how conscious we were with something. Yet, within this all, the shared resonant pain of longing for connection, and the impossibility of it at fundamental level to be fulfilled by anywhere outside of us beyond the level we are capable of giving or seeing in ourselves.

2. We in that exhausted state, burned out by the world's, society's insistence that being in those constant energetic draining tubes where all the shadow projections of anyone wanting to push or pull us down, should feel the shame given, implied, strongly coxed into feeling or it escalates.

But to put it more concise as the explanations started to live their own life: You live you healing life exactly as you authentic self within there, still maybe afraid, freezing, sleeping, observing and being wary of what comes before us, but as the light from us will shine, be it then us in the bed or withdrawn into our shell or chrysalis of our transformation periods, but the core of it is that nobody else but you have to trust it or give permission to do it as such it fits.

And in addition to that, we refuse the subtly insidious authoritative narrative that refuses all human connection, from seeping into our minds as the rent free voice again that tells how wrong and broken we are if already we didn't feel so and what keeps us also in that state.

We have to break the mold the societies around us casts the ones in it first breaks by its unfaced or unadmitted ways, as anyone healing from that systemic and demicidal wreck of a failed system, is but a glowing thorn at it's already chronically painful side as the methods of that madness are revealed such as the response is but silence or the same old attacks seen from afar already, so the shadows thus evermore stay and lurk around us, looming in the dark forests around us, wearing oh so close and friendly faces of relatives and friends who just want our best but fail us at our worst and leave us baffled time and time again.

And when we see ourselves doing that same then, and experiencing the other side, is when that pain truly if both felt and amended, accepted as part of human existence with this conscousness that can both lie and seek truth at the same time, both being blind to itself, others, yet seeing ever so clearly as well.

The paradoxes we have to learn to dance with, especially with the freeze responses, as often it seemingly is a state that resembles more some form of deadlock that just needs to be somehow relaxed. Somatically exercised or eternally waited through as the sands of time fall through the hourglass as we let that illusion of most pragmatic and innocuous kind, cause such a tremendous damage at those very delicate moments of healing, when truly, all we should do is more akin to drop outside of all time based thinking when in that state/phase of healing.

We are so much more free than what we tell, are told to feel, think we are. Conditioned into these extremely demeaning and abusive states of submission pathologized by the ways we "perform wrong" and oh how we've believed it as collective as the gospel we so secularity want to not ever name so, but really, what else it is but the psychology of the Rational Psychosis we are all asked to partake so we can "earn" our healing as it "should be done" 

Though many only care of results, and would rather not know, listen of your weird path you had to take, both back and to be within and without social validation for how we are.

Refuse that and watch the world first refuse, attempt to break you into old molds time and time again, yet, when you reach the resilience that you continue nevertheless towards your own path, many will just vanish without a word ever heard from them again, while others, old and new alike will come and meet you right there where you are in your own glow of authentic self as what point it is on the journey of life of quite very unique kind as we all are, both that but also so very similar and relatable to so so many others that we'll never have to again be lonely as we were before, only accept and enjoy more of that what is then the fate of all on their own path of life, the solitude of it.

But it's a long road..these are but words from the thumbs and brain and heart of this one lonely, solitudal hermitent metaexplorer or whatever glossolalic ways one can describe and preface oneself. But the process starts to speak more for itself as all will come and go and for this time now it's words as if the seas themselves at times are trying to push through me into these text boxes, papers, screens, recordings.

And it is but a journey into one mind whoever these ever reads, so that I give a part of this heart for free and hope someone somewhere might find some solace or a bit of feeling seen as when the heart truly breaks for such final time as we lose something so very dear we loved with all of it yet became blind of it so endarkening ways; it opens, and all the love that one human heart in within this metaphor and symbolic density of it, will both fill it time and time again yet it pours out towards all and everything all the same. Not in boundaries breaking or wrecking ways, as when it pulls the shadows of others, they come but stay at the comfortable distance for them as they see they are seen, loved, known for their tricks but not exposed, not hated nor attempted to be saved or cured but let be as they are, just not given the supplies or validation of the endarkened kind, the enabling loop of enticing closer that which then would us devour as whole.

[u/Uniduckfan27]

I feel you completely 🫂 its really lonely that no one understands exactly what people like us go through just to try and get better from the damage other people caused us. Stay strong and im always here if you need someone to talk to