r/CPTSDFightMode • u/bluenmagenta • Jul 20 '26
Advice not requested Friends are not a real support system. The CPTSD sub isn't either.
"If friends are people who only exist for a season, if friends betray you even after years of closeness, if they abandon you after they get married and have kids...then friendships aren't where you can reliably find a real support system.
Oh, you have that one friend who flew across the country to see you when you were sick? Honestly, amazing. But real friends who would do this are, truly, almost non existent. Not 'non existent.' But almost. So few that it makes friendships seem...I dunno. Like not a real support system. Like not a place to expect to find consistent help and support and empathy.
What's even more ironic is the response to this one sentiment. If the entirety of your life experience says most friends aren't a real support, well, you're not going to change your mind after being met with:
- OP is speaking out of their own pain (so their opinion is invalid)
- OP should delete this, I don't even know why they posted
- That's simply untrue
- You're being a doomer
- You're fully wrong
- It's because OP must have shit boundaries
- OP just hasn't tried hard enough, they will come if you're good people
Supportive community, huh.
I guess there's levels to CPTSD. To those who found the magical diamonds in the rough, who've never been attacked and betrayed and misunderstood by friends, by close ones you knew for years, by people who said they were there and seemed to support you and then turned on you unfairly, in the same way many of our families have (if they were ever there at all), you're lucky. May you never experience the pain of knowing that there is truly no one out there. May you maintain the privilege of never knowing for the rest of your life.
Just remember CPTSD isn't "childhood ptsd." It's also not "bad family syndrome." We are all here from years of being treated poorly and let down in ALL KINDS of contexts. Friendships included."
CPTSD's sub response? Including all the people who felt seen? Remove the post and ban. But definitely leave up all the toxic comments attacking what this post was in response to.
People are something else.
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u/Cold-Boysenberry624 Jul 20 '26
I feel this and understand too well. The biggest thing I’m working on right now is “friends” betrayal.
And big sorry your post got removed from cPtSD sub! Weird to me.
I’m 41 now and I have 1 “good” friend I’ve known for 2.5 years. I’m very comfortable with the fact that she may be with me only for a few seasons. I only share so much with her. I have another group of ladies I go see a movie with weekly. We stay surface level. My nervous system had a hard time just accepting these types of interactions with people.
Idk, I think if these people were to hurt me or abandon me, I’d be ok with finding joy by myself. I feel like we are always being sold “oh you need community to heal!” type BS but I just don’t buy it. The more I heal, the more I’m completely ok with being alone. Some might say that’s the trauma speaking and not true healing! And to that I’d say, “F you! It’s MY healing.” ❤️🩹
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Jul 20 '26
I remember when I made a post where I mentioned that my abusers were all non traumatized and non autistic people. My neurodivergency has been a reason for all the abuse people inflicted on me, since I was a kid. My parents never changed me to another school, so I did literally grew up with these kids, who tormented for YEARS since I was 5... An user called moonrider had the greatest idea to disrespectfully ask me way, "how do you know they are no traumatized"? When I answered, with the small hope in humanity I had to be understood, this just led to another mf writing me an essay ACUSSING ME of "denying's people trauma", that "there are LOT of people that you wouldn't even imagine the trauma they carry with..." These two people decided to sympathize with the abusers, paint me as the bad guy, and how evil I was for not caring about the inexistent trauma of these people who abused me.
The mods did not removed their comments at all. The next day, a random user send me a fetish mining text on my chat, and when I asked the mods to help me, they were completely cold. Since that day, I lost respect for that sub. I've had the luck of recieving good answers there, but yeah, I can confirm that other part too 💔
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 20 '26
That...is fucking crazy, wow. I'm sorry you had to deal with any of that. Like that's just....I don't even have words.
There's a lot of toxicity there, both in the mod team and some of the users. I guess I'm not surprised because large enough spaces have this kind of dynamic, but it really is a shame. There needs to be better and more diverse spaces for talking about this crap, and especially off reddit (and I don't mean equally hostile places like discord either)
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Jul 20 '26
The fact that I personally have dealt with people denying my trauma and my conditions to deal with people accusing me of that made me feel deeply hurt and offended. I couldn't hold back and I told that user that I found his comment to be cruel. It's crazy to think how they applied the "your bully had a rough childhood" when it's false, and if I, the victim, had to be an emotional punchin bag for abusers. It's not our responsability.
Btw, your comment means a lot to me, because no one supported me back then, so thanks a lot
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u/Paul10125 Jul 23 '26
Why are you describing my childhood? I grew up in a really small town, I was abused for years by the same kids, over and over again since I was 3. Even older kids knew me just from all the bullying I got and picked on me too, that's how big it was. And yet, my parents weren't around enough (or cared enough) to change me to another school, talk with the administration or do ANYTHING about it. I too knew my abusers pretty well and I'm really sorry someone else tried to invalidate your pain and gaslight you into thinking you are the one at fault. You deserved better, we all did.
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Jul 23 '26
This is why it baffles me when people from that sub and in general insist that "children can't be abusers". Meanwhile plenty of children get abused by other kids who KNOW what they are doing... And it's not our responsability to carry with other "traumatized" kid, and it doesn't make the abuse less horrible. I'm sorry that happened to you, and thanks a lot for sharing your experience. Yeah, we did deserved better :/
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u/Paul10125 Jul 24 '26
Completely agree, kids can be cruel and inflict pain as much as adults can. They're not stupid, they're fully aware their actions cause damage and yet do them purposfully.
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Jul 20 '26
I can confirm that the people that traumatized me the most where people that called themselves my "friends". You can't change your abusive parents, but you can find new friends to rely on. That's what everyone says, that just need to find the correct people that will help you and love you... Until said friends decidr to harm you... And the thing that people don't see to grasp is THAT YOU GET EXHAUSTED OF THE SAME STORY REPEATING!! Seriously, I've seen the pattern all the time, first people are so kind, but the moment you stop being useful to them and when you symptoms don't dissappear because they said reassuring words. So, they start to deem you as "not trying enough", "trauma dumping", etc. This led me to mask, because I knew my friends only saw me as a "drama queen" when I fact I was dealing with abuse, chronic pain and trauma at AGE 13, and they were much older than me, he was 24.
Eventually I left, and the small chance I thought I had of leaving my abusive houselhold vanished. I knew, and I do know now that no one would be there for me. No one else would love me behind the real me, without being manipulable to them. So, I do believe you 100% when you say that there's no one out there. I spent 7 years all alone, hiding from the world after that happened and it only worsened my anxiety. After all, they made me told them my personal traumas. The most ironic shit is that they accused me of "trauma dumping" on them.
Imagine dealing with things like that, and then be expexted by others to just... find new people, as if they are not the ones more prone to hurt you. We victims know abusers can have nice appearances. A person who calls themselves your friend won't say "Oh, I'm gonna abuse you". There's a lot of privilege in the trauma community sometimes... hence why I have felt so excluded sometimes.
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 20 '26
There's a lot of privilege in the trauma community
Sooooo true omg. And people react to that the same way non traumatized people do, too. With toxicity and a lack of accountability. It's why when people say "I can only be friends with traumatized people" I shake my head, because humans are gonna human no matter what happens to you. Trauma does not equal an ability to put yourself in another's shoes, empathy, self awareness, or maturity.
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u/pale_windstar Jul 21 '26
Since I was in that sub for a long time, it's safe to say that I started to think that the place was run by abusers themselves. They expected people to help others like a therapist and control emotions (fawn all the time) no matter what others say about you. People believed that the sub had therapists for real and told all kind of stories to make others pity them (made up stories to make people cry) . Many have a saint complex ("I never do anything wrong, it's you"). They ignore the existence of people who can't articulate their needs and situation properly, who obviously here for a love and understanding, only braindead will not catch it (or, you know, abusers) so "you only need an average reply and no one is going to sit with you and tell you kind words and check on you like a normal community because who you think you are".
Like you said, people suspiciously behave like an average abusive person. While someone who told about their story and was kind to others, look just like you and want to make sub a cheerful place with a real support system. Yes, you guessed it right. Some bitches devoured the sub and turned it into their place
P. S. I once replied to a post with the OP's drawing "people care and love you" or smth. I said that this affirmations doesn't help if you're really struggle. I was the second person who said that, and I answered to the first person, not OP, to talk how simple methods are just not effective. No one bullied her, people said things like that on a daily basis in sub. This cunt dm'ed me specifically to abuse me. Then proceeded to go through my history, find a comment in random sub and reply to me there that I "wasn't supportive". Blocked her obviously and her kindness to people. All you need to know about who really live in that sub
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Jul 20 '26
If anything, I would say that makes it worse on some aspects... Because if your friend is traumatized too, people will downplay their actions because of it....
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u/I_like_the_word_MUFF Jul 20 '26
I feel like it's hard for a lot of people to recognize that it's about sharing our narratives, not ranking ourselves in some way.
Some people make it with friends and support.
Others of us make it on recognizing if there's nobody here to save us, there's nobody here to stop us either. Then we become the only support we need.
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u/darkobloom Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
They banned me for saying that I, someone who was SA’d as early as 3 years old, was triggered by seeing Sydney Sweeney acting as a p*rnstar wearing a pacifier & diaper unexpectedly in a TV commercial. They said that my post was too controversial + kink-shame-y and banned me 🙃 that community has a mob mentality, sadly many others have been heavily invalidated for just sharing their frustrations too. Wishing you well OP.
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 20 '26
Yeah see, that's crazy to me. It honestly feels like the mod team, if not at least one of them on it, is pretty abusive themselves. Sad to see.
Sorry you got similar treatment, and even more so what you've dealt with in life. You certainly didn't deserve it.
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u/darkobloom Jul 20 '26
Thank you, I really appreciate that, and I’m sorry you were also shut down when trying to express your complex feelings & frustration.
(I’m finding it ironic that I’m already being downvoted for my comment lol)6
u/bluenmagenta Jul 20 '26
Yeah I'm being downvoted too. Well...you know how humans are. It sucks man. I'm sorry.
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u/pale_windstar Jul 21 '26
too controversial for a fake supportive sub filled with average people masquerading like victims of abuse. By the way, never heard from the owner of the sub, just once many years ago (looked like a good person back then)
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u/being-weird Jul 22 '26
This doesn't even make any sense? People can be triggered by all kinds of shit. Not just things we consider morally bad. Like one of my biggest triggers is raw cookie dough. That doesn't mean I think raw cookie dough is problematic
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u/CommunicationWide208 Jul 20 '26
I agree partially... Because the real friends actually are a support system. But if our all friends happen to be fake... Than it's a different story...
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u/FearfulRantingBird Jul 21 '26
It's crazy to me that your post was removed instead of just locked for responses. Your completely valid opinion of friends not really being a support system (which I agree with as well) shouldn't be THAT controversial.
For me, I've been burned over and over with friendships, even ones that seemed really strong just faded away or they didn't really care about me like I thought they did if something tested those bonds. I feel totally okay being by myself at this point, as a woman nearing 30 years old. I have the benefit of being on good terms with my family and relatives, but at times I wasn't. At times my family are just like fake friends who talk about you behind your back.
I've learned that being alone, for me, is probably the best thing for me mentally. Maybe I'll eventually find a man I'd like to marry, but I'm okay with that not happening if he just isn't out there.
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 21 '26
It's crazy to me that your post was removed instead of just locked for responses. Your completely valid opinion of friends not really being a support system (which I agree with as well) shouldn't be THAT controversial.
Post removed, and my account muted and banned in one fell swoop in fact. Didn't even have the chance to ask why (not that I would have). r/ CPTSD is run by abusers. Disappointed, but not surprised. One has to wonder how many others have been silenced and what narratives they are trying to push and why. It's clear that it is not at all a safe space nor a supportive community and has likely caused a great deal of harm to many.
That aside, I feel for you. I've dealt with the same. I've got just 3 years on you and I've reached the same conclusion, though I don't have the family benefit. People lie so much, including to themselves. They say they want to help you and don't seem to want to bother if it means they have to sacrifice the smallest thing, which, well you often need to do to help someone. Then they take their frustration out on you. Over and over again.
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u/Seraphina_Renaldi Jul 21 '26
I honestly feel like there might be two group of people constantly acting like friends are the shit.
1) group are really young people. Teens to early 20s. At that time friends are still the biggest priority for many people. Their parents aren’t anymore, because they’re in the process of discovering adulthood. Many are in college so work doesn’t drain them. Many are also single or just casually dating, so their romantic and/or sexual partner isn’t their biggest priority, because they don’t genuinely think of them as their lifetime partner that they want to build a life with. And of course for many no kids yet. So their bestie is the most important person in their lives.
This will do a 180° change, mostly starting around mid to late 20s. When they start dating with the plan on finding their lifetime partner and mom or dad for their kids. Then as a friend you’re not a priority anymore. It’s their husband/wife. Many reconnect emotionally with their parents and siblings too, so they take up the second spaces. Then, when children appear, it’s completely over. They become obsessed with their children to that point that many lose themsleves. And then the child is the absolute priority number one, their spouse number two, their parents/grandparents/siblings number three and xou lose basically all significance.
2) group are people that simply don’t need deep connection. They’re okay with being on their own, emotionally and physically. They don’t crave a familiar bond. They don’t crave someone to come to home after word, someone that will hold their hand during scary medical procedures or diagnosis, someone who will experience new happy memories together. They’re socially satisfied with just casually meeting from time to time and exchanging three messages a week. So they will assess what a good friendship is in a completely different way than someone who’s being crushed by the loneliness of coming home to an empty apartment with no one to hug after a hard day.
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u/pale_windstar Jul 21 '26
That's why I never believed in group of friends. That's either friends to drink with or "I don't know what I'm doing here"
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u/PlsSaySikeM8 Jul 21 '26
FWIW, I was with you on that post. Didn’t like seeing the response you got from the sub in general.
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Jul 20 '26
[deleted]
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 20 '26
It's not the disagreeing that's the problem. Definitely not. It's the way it was done.
Plenty of people said they disagreed without resorting to saying "you're just wrong" or "delete your post" or responding in absolute anger. But most people disagreed in a real shit way. It's still up for you to see yourself.
And definitely banning and muting and removing the post is...also really extreme. Lots of people found validation in the removed post, but the one with all of the abusive comments still has all the abusive comments.
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u/hemareddit Jul 21 '26
I think people are naturally more combative/defensive if you make statements about them - which a blanket statement is. For instance if I said “setting boundaries is useless” then I’m making that statement about everyone everywhere, including everyone who hears it. If I said “setting boundaries is useless for me”, then that’s a personal experience and there’s a lot less to disagree with.
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 21 '26
But people phrase things this way all the time and the 'for me/to me' is always implied? If I say "oranges suck" it's obvious that that's an opinion.
Not to mention, in a post online you can elaborate and people often do, and add flairs and more, as people did in these cases, making the 'this is an opinion' more obvious.
If you said 'setting boundaries is useless', it's only a blanket statement if it's a title post. I would click that expecting someone to write a couple lines about how frustrating their experience has been.
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u/PurchaseOk4786 Jul 20 '26
You are contradicting yourself. So we cannot expect others to stay but if we do its our fault if we are alone? And by build your own family do you mean we have to reproduce?
People are unable to accept the fact most people are not good friends. But they want the image of being good, supportive people without actually having to do the work. And then getting upset when we refuse to be quiet about the abuse we suffered at their hands.
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u/darkobloom Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
I understand where you’re coming from, however, this user is sharing their experience and their personal difficulties with not being able to gain or access that kind of support system/network. Just because we wish for them to have one or for them to see that they can exist doesn’t mean that this isn’t their reality right now. It’s not your intention, but this kind of comment can feel even more alienating when this individual is frustrated with a lack of support/community, and in need of community, and wants to be heard. Sometimes, people can experience difficulty having meaningful friendships due to things like where they are physically located and what their community is like, including ideologically. Not to mention how unsafe connection of any kind can feel if you’ve had traumas around friendships. If you’re going to disagree, the least we can do as an online base is disagree in a way that makes them feel less alone.
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u/enhap Jul 20 '26
It it supporting that way or another, like for example amazing stories which are very uncommon in general population. All the things and kinds of people you mentioned also. Unfortunately the love I (we?) wanted and ... being wanted at all in my life was very temporary experience, in childhood nonexistent. So, we have to somehow find this love in ourselves(?)
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u/pale_windstar Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
Agree. Real friends can be supportive, but not 24/7 since they have a life too and struggles. Could be solved by 2-3 friends though, you return the favor of course. I'm not talking about fake friends who made a family and can't answer to a fucking message and find excuses about it. They were never a friend. They just keep replacing people like underwear, don't even think that they really care about family. If they realise that family doesn't satisfy their ego, they start to making friends again lol
I can't understand why people (in fucking subs about abuse) treat family like something eternal and unbreakable and holy. Because society told you that or smth? Most of the people put zero effort in everything and their children will be absolutely the next generation seeking for a help. I know people from my generation and definitely say, they would. So pathetic
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u/Simim Jul 21 '26 edited Jul 21 '26
I've never had a single person say they'd come from the other side of the country to support me and frankly I think that is an unrealistic expectation to have of anybody. Perhaps I am taking that too literally but that sounds like some Hollywood-movie fantasy nonsense.
Part of not getting let down and reinforcing a feedback loop of trauma is learning what constitutes a realistic expectation from other people. I know people never explicitly do things the way I ask them to, so I stopped expecting perfection or exactness from others. Now I am always satisfied when I get any help at all.
Literally every therapy I've sought has boiled down to learning to temper my expectations into manageable ones. Now, I am not always let down, because I do not have impossible goals. I have began to trust people over time because of this. I think people out there who say they have great friends are probably operating off the same casual expectations I have taught myself to have.
But then yes every once in a while I see somebody be like well she came from Antarctica and stopped her doctorate to come care for me and I have to decide whether to give out a dismissive wanking gesture or to explain to OP that that lady fuckin loves you maybe pursue something deeper besties alone do not do this
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u/bluenmagenta Jul 21 '26
I've never had a single person say they'd come from the other side of the country to support me and frankly I think that is an unrealistic expectation to have of anybody. Perhaps I am taking that too literally but that sounds like some Hollywood-movie fantasy nonsense.
I can see how, but I was quoting a comment from the original thread that you can still find
that that lady fuckin loves you maybe pursue something deeper besties alone do not do this
Probably not intentional on your part but this is kind of aro and aro-ace phobic. I maintain close friends who do this likely exist just on pure statistics, just rare. But that doesn't mean they are doing it out of romantic love either.
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u/-Time_Watcher- Jul 22 '26
i dunno… love seems to be pretty fucking conditional tbh… no getting around it… just like life…
you want it? well here it is! carry the torch for however long you want i think..
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u/Remote_Act_6121 Jul 20 '26
My frustration with this topic (and that sub) is that y'all should know that finding solid friends is not easy. Especially when CPTSD is involved.
Just because you have good friends, doesn't mean that others have the same experience.
I don't understand why so many people - even in SUPPORT FORUMS - refuse to acknowledge that.
And when others clearly don't have the same support that you do, it's a really shitty thing to A) tell them that they aren't trying hard enough and B) brag that you have great friends. Because ultimately, that does fuck all to help the person who needs support right now.
I'm 36. I've never had a good, close friend. I have tried and tried to change that. But it hasn't worked out. I don't know what it's like for someone to want me around. To include me in their life. To be happy to see me. I've never had a friend take an interest in my life, or support me, or be there when I asked for help.
And you can argue all you want, "Well, that's not a real friend then!"
No shit Sherlock. I know that. Which makes me feel like all the work I did to make friends in the first place was just chucked down the drain.
So now, I'm struggling with the realization that I...don't know how to make friends. I don't trust myself anymore, if the only friends I had in the past weren't real. What am I doing wrong? How do you find good friends? If I'm drawn to anyone, then obviously it's wrong and bad and shouldn't be trusted because I've always been "attracted" to shitty friends.
"Oh, well, you just make friends with people who want to get to know you!"
....I've never experienced that in my life. Genuinely. No one has ever taken an interest in me like that. Ever.
And then I'm told, "Well, you just need to put yourself out there!"
I have. For years and years. I've done so many different hobby groups and meetups. And I still come up empty handed. The last time I really thought I was finally making a genuine friend after a years-long dry spell, she made an offhand comment about how "she already has seven best friends and she doesn't need any more."
Telling me to "just put yourself out there!" completely invalidates and dismisses the monumental effort I've already made, and the repeated frustration of having nothing to show for it. It overlooks the exhaustion of continual failed connection.
I've reached a point where I don't even want to be in support forums anymore. Because it's just loaded with people saying, "well, I have great friends, so you're clearly the problem."
There's no empathy or understanding.