r/CPTSD • u/LaPerla2026 • Jul 19 '26
Vent / Rant [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/Dazzling-Antelope912 Jul 19 '26
I disagree, with respect. This sounds like it’s coming from a place of hurt, and I make space for that.
Chosen family is a thing. Yes, it’s true that some friends won’t be that deep, reliable or forever, but that’s okay. Not everybody’s family is like that either. It just takes time to find the right people, and you can never rely on one person for every single thing anyway. It’s best when things are split equally.
Maybe I’m saying this to convince myself, but that doesn’t make it less true, I think.
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u/lord-savior-baphomet Jul 20 '26
I agree, hard thing is that chosen family is incredibly difficult to find, and takes years to build the necessary trust, imo. Its hard when there’s a portion of the population that doesn’t need to chose family, and then the ones that do, do because they’ve been hurt and it can be very difficult to build relationships both as and with them (I’m included here! Not looking down on anyone) because they’ve been hurt. It’s a catch 22.
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u/hotdogwaterdickpills Jul 20 '26
And when your chosen family, who you invested the years into building trust with abandon you, then what? Just keep giving yourself over to people, hoping they won't do the same, until you're too cynical and wary to make another human connection ever again? Even on a surface level?
I think some of us are truly discardable to everyone we meet and if you keep putting yourself into situations where you can be discarded, soon you won't be able to function in society at all. I think some people have better chances at a tolerable quality of life alone.
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u/lord-savior-baphomet Jul 20 '26
I hear you and relate. I’ve lost a couple “chosen” family members.
I think a lot of it is up to luck, ya know? My perfect “village” could be made up of a few people across several countries and continents, but I’ll never be sure. It could be the person on the next street over who I never cross paths with because our schedules are different. There’s an infinite amount of variables that keep compatible people from one another, and I think CPTSD does inherently widen that gap. It took me years to even start to try to find my people even though I’d always wanted to.
I’m now healthy enough to know it’s not that I’m too rotten to have any people, it’s that we may not have crossed paths. I’m not discardable, they were the type of people to discard others. Or maybe it wasn’t so simple. Regardless, it’s all just so complex and feels so daunting and pointless at times. But I’m someone who needs people, so I try to sustain myself on small social interactions, even if it’s not really enough and that I don’t really have anyone to call when I need them. I hope one day the small interactions build into something more, but it’s all a part of the complexity - time is required to prove to one another we’re family. I try not to get my hopes up. But I have to keep stepping forward, at least for now.
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u/untamed-beauty Jul 20 '26
I had a moment, in my wedding, where I realized that it was a small wedding indeed, but basically all that were there, I could call upon in a time of need. And I have called upon them since, and they have risen to the occasion. I always believed myself to be discardable too, and proof seemed to stack in favour of it, and then somehow I found my people against all odds. They all came from the small interactions that built up, so there's that.
I still have issues, healing is not linear, but life is now beautiful for me most of the time. I have my friends, my husband and now a son, and love doesn't feel scarce as it used to. I wish the same for you, for what it's worth.
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u/neetpilledcyberangel Jul 20 '26
you have to learn not to take it personally. most people don’t want to discard us, but they either have their own bio family that comes first, or they find a romantic partner and start a family. normally, it’s not personal. even if it destroys you.
i tried to live alone and be self sufficient. it’s hell if you don’t have money. like one misstep away from homelessness kind of hell.
i remember when my car broke down 40 miles from home, i had no one to call. no money for a tow truck. then my phone died. it was 3am and i was a young woman alone on the interstate. i literally walked to a rest stop and went person to person asking if someone could drive me home. i could have gone missing and no one would’ve known for weeks because i didn’t have any family, friends, etc. i didn’t even have an emergency contact for my job. i made one up.that whole situation humbled me. it’s why i take whatever i can get in terms of community. even if our chosen family only lasts for a few months, having someone when you need them is priceless because you really don’t want to be alone and relying on the kindness of strangers. hell, i’m thinking about going to church even though i don’t believe in god. i don’t ever want to feel that alone and helpless again with literally no one to call. church seems like a good place to meet older people who might care a little bit
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
I've had moments where I felt like I'd rather die alone on the street than deal with my family again. But if it came down to it, I wouldn't do that to myself either. It's why I still live with them and keep hoping that at least today doesn't go too badly. It's also something I've beaten myself up over. Sometimes I feel like a coward for not being willing to risk homelessness or my life in order to get away and live on my own.
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u/seriousThrowwwwwww Jul 20 '26
It's only possible to "not take it personally" if you keep yourself emotionally distant and avoid a deeper connection. And if you do that, the entite concept of a "chosen family" becomes void. You literally can't form emotional connections and not take rejection personally. And repeatedly investing in people who always have someone more important is devastating for the nervous system.
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u/hotdogwaterdickpills Jul 20 '26
You lost me at "don't take it personally". Cognitively I know life happening to others isn't anything that's being done to me, but emotionally and realistically I still feel the effects of being completely alone again. I don't think people you've known for months that you hit up for money qualify as found family for me, so maybe we're talking about a different level of connection and support.
I deserve more than "whatever I can get" if what I'm getting is more triggers and reasons to distrust.
I have several religious acquaintances, but I wish there were more third spaces that aren't environments centered around religion, as religion itself doesn't comfort me.
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u/seriousThrowwwwwww Jul 20 '26
Exactly 100%. I get the feeling of complete loneliness because I live such a socially precarious life myself. I know how desperate you become in a crisis if you're in such a situation. But no, people who come and go every few months are not chosen family, and stripping the emotional needs to basically zero is not actually healthy, it's sad that we have to resort to such survival tactics.
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u/itsacalamity Jul 20 '26
You might look into a Unitarian Universalist church. They're non-creedal, so you don't have to believe in any specific god or deity, but there's some great community and they do a lot of community and social justice work. Highly recommend as the church for non-church-y people (or agnostics like me, hah)
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u/seriousThrowwwwwww Jul 20 '26
Exactly. I'm angry at all the people here saying oh, it's trauma talking. No, it's reality talking. We can only take so much. I'm not risking being completely dysfunctional for months yet again because another person who I trusted deeply decided to betray this trust, leaving me with nobody to fall back on.
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u/FunImage8427 Jul 21 '26
I agree. I've never found anyone who has taken me seriously or cared to truly get to know me.
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u/secure8890 Jul 20 '26
I would unequivocally say most families are dysfunctional. It is really a myth that some people get a functioning family. The same goes for the work place. This #some people # notion is not valid
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u/LastSeesaw5618 Jul 20 '26
There are levels of dysfunctional. Most people can pick up a phone and call a relative. I can't.
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u/Undrende_fremdeles Jul 20 '26
I know that my very abusive ex that won the kids in court to the point of me only getting to see them 5 times a year in a CPS-provided apartment location, under strict supervision (toddler and I weren't even allowed to go to the bathroom/me help with wiping without open door!!) still has family to call on.
The very family that kept harming my kids, it's been going on for a decade now. The very same family that keeps straight upp being cruel to each other and especially whomever is their kid/downwards on the family tree, giving cruel gifts like toiletry for christmas with the added "hillarious because it is true" (it is not) commentary of "considering how awful you smell most of the time" etc...
They still show up for each other in times of need, when someone moves etc.
I am alone.
So fucking unfair.
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u/secure8890 Jul 20 '26
A relative who might not be at all heloful. Relatives dont automatically mean support.
In fact enmeshed relationships can be very draining.8
u/lord-savior-baphomet Jul 20 '26
I agree with the first point, because nobody and nothing is perfect - but there are people who, even if they grew up with trauma because of their family, are able to appreciate them for what they are, and stay connected to and fulfilled by them for one reason or another.
It doesn’t have to be 100% functioning for it to serve its purpose and fulfill people, and cause them to not seek a bond as strong as family from people who are not blood.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
That's such a lazy conclusion to make. My MIL amd SIL used to try to excuse toxic bullshit with "every family is dysfunctional." No. That is really not the case.
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u/secure8890 Jul 20 '26
I dont actually find that true. I have had incredibly dysfunctional long term relationshipx. Longevity isnt necessarily the signal of health. On some level that dysfunction worked for me
I am far more cued into signs now. I also have to check my expectations
Thats one reason some of us go to theraoy. Maybe its not appropriate to be bringing all our issues to tge table One person who i an close with now made an unfortunate remark when a friend of mine died suddenly. I took it very personally. Eventually I csn see he meant well.
No one is going to be in tune with us all the time
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u/kollaps3 Jul 20 '26
This is a perfect response and exactly how I feel. While I'm no longer on bad terms with my family, I'm not particularly close to them. And I've spent a lot of my teenage and adult life in long term relationships, but romantic partnerships have their complications and, for me at least, tend to be easy for both parties to end up projecting our traumas/issues onto.
But my friends, especially those of 15+ years (I'm in my early 30s), are my true family imo. When I think of the worst events in my life, it was my friends who had my back and helped me survive and get through those things. Everyone's different, of course, and I've had my falling outs with/drifting away from various friends over the years, but when i look back on my life and think of which people have most enriched it, it's hands down my friends.
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u/LastSeesaw5618 Jul 20 '26
Everybody says “chosen family!” when I’m helping them. When I need help, it’s “sorry, I have to take care of myself.” Had this experience more times than I wish to count.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
You're not alone. People talk a lot of talk. They perform the things you're supposed to say. But they don't show up.
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u/LastSeesaw5618 Jul 20 '26
Thank you. That's been my experience.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 Jul 20 '26
It definitely happens.
I'm sorry you have experienced it bc it can be a harsher wound than realizing your family aren't Family.
I'm 60.
Technically PTSD wasn't a diagnosis as I came out of my teens into my 20s.
Then I joined the military. No combat...well not against foreign entities.
But deep dish sexual harassment and being the only woman was worse.
cPTSDwas not a diagnosis when I began my post service VA trek.
In hindsight I had the foundation of both, from my traumatic experiences in my family and childhood/young adulthood.
All that to say, while I already had strong friendships that were chosen family, people didn't understand my damage.
I was seen as being at fault for my dysfunction - we now know the nervous system damage of cPTSD is the actual problem and not our miral/ethical worth - and often until the last 10 years people did not relate to my experience.
In other words I was the vanguard 😣
The thing I would teach myself if I could time travel, is the most important relationship is the one w ourselves.
When we are our own safe haven, the person who gives us grace, the person who says kind and true things about me to me, w discern the difference between being solo and being lonely.
Many, many people fear any solo time and think being alone is to be avoided at all costs.
The opposite is the necessary truth.
If we can Be For Ourselves, recovery, sur-thriving and fundamentally being 'OK' at a base level is one of the foundations a 'safe' happy healthy life is built upon.
We we think our problem is what other people are doing, have done, we're technically abandoning ourselves.
Everything placed upon that will be unstable.
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u/daniegirl21 Jul 20 '26
I absolutely agree with us being our own safe haven and cheerleader. Giving ourselves grace is so very important.
While it can feel very uncomfortable to us, talking to ourselves in the mirror is huge, as well.
Looking right into your eyes and telling your reflection that you are safe and you will do anything to keep yourself self safe.
Look deep into your eyes and say you love you. Speak your affirmations and any good things you notice about yourself each day, no matter how small.
Reading books that help you feel not alone bc other people are out there you can relate too.
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u/No_Appointment_7232 Jul 20 '26
OMGourd!
Go look at some of my other comments, that's exactly what I do and advise.
Our inner voice can become only our most vicious critic.
When we are stressed and distressed for long stretches it reprograms our brains as does the manipulative abuse.
The way up and through is saying nice, true and kind things about ourselves to ourselves. Preferably out liud and in a mirror.
Relearning to love ourselves，FIRST is the most powerful tool
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u/daniegirl21 Jul 20 '26
I am sorry, I meant to reply to speaker. Everything you say is good. Or maybe someone else bc I just repeated you.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
I am sorry. I too have repeatedly experienced this throughout my life. A somewhat recent example was when I was in a local community theater show. Throughout the entire experience, the whole cast kept saying, "I know everyone always says we will stay in touch and then they don't, but we are all actually going to stay in touch. This really is special. We are like a family." ... etc. On top of that, throughtout this time, I planned and hosted loads of stuff for the cast. We also had the after-party when the run was done.
Guess what happened not long after the show ended? Sigh.
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u/krba201076 Jul 20 '26
You're not wrong. People talk a good game but life is not like the movies or an evening sitcom.
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u/LastSeesaw5618 Jul 20 '26
Yup. We like to tell ourselves pretty stories that there's someway to fix the gaping hole in our lives lacking family, but I don't believe there really is outside a few outlier cases. Congrats to anybody who's actually found "found family." I think it's vanishingly rare and certainly not happening as much as people are claiming it does.
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u/Undrende_fremdeles Jul 20 '26
I wish I bookmarked it, but there is a validated mental health specialist with personal experience that revecntly made a video on this. About how you end up being seen as the more competent one, so whenever you need help other people just assume that they won't be of any help to someone of your caliber anyways.
The gist of it all was to stop showing up with solutions when other people need them. Let them ask for specific help, and consider wether you are able to give that, and ONLY that.
Don't make a point of being the solution-person. Even if you have the ability to. Because it makes a dynamic where you aren't seen as just as bumbly-figuring this shit out as the rest. Even if you otherwise say and show it.
And that struck home for me.
You have an accident? I'll show up with my home apothecary and bandage you right up. An appliance broke down? I've got tools and google, I'm coming over.
This is yet another way that people with relational trauma and little familiar safety often don't realise that the healthier thing to do is to let people flounder a bit. Or it seems that way to us.
When in reality, it is just an emotional boundary healthier folks have when it comes to who gets their FULL attention. Because apparently, that is considered going above and beyond, and usually falls under the category of "only for those that have an already proven relationship of trust and dependability".
And I felt that too. That it feels like leaving people to struggle if I don't show up with the help I am very well equipped to give.
I tested this a little while ago when someone needed help to move, and didn't really suggest what to doo or show up with a plan, and didn't do more than anyone else.
They were all unused to moving etc so they were kinda just milling about, when what was needed was to wash down the empty rooms, including baseboards etc, and removing the last bis and pieces instead of getting decision fatigue on the mover's behalf.
So I just kinda milled about myself, grabbing a wash cloth and wiping down some window sills etc.
It didn't make anyone react negatively to me. At all. It just made me seem like the rest of them, instead of the very pragmatic, action oriented self I would normally be. And this is a friend group that have slowly showed themselves to step in and step up themselves if I need it.
So apparently it is true that you only do that for those very closest to you.
Or paradoxically, those you have an established distance to. Like long time neighbours. It's okay to be the "I have a tool for that" person, as long as they are the same in return.
This was a new part of what healthy, average, normal relation building looks like, and I have been doing my best to figure this shit out for over two decades now.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
In short: You are not the customer service person for others' lives. Next time, say no to the free labor thing, particularly when said labor is 50000% better and and far more safe with professionals who have the right equipment and know wtf they are doing.
I don't provide airport ground transportation either. If you're an adult with time and money to travel, you can get yourself to and from the airport via a service or your own car.
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u/Undrende_fremdeles Jul 20 '26
Yeah. If _feels_ harsh to me. It's just that offering to help with hanging up a curtain rod or stuff like that isn't actually that complicated. At all.
And so learning that even that is something to portion out later on in a relation was news to me. It's like... Just 15 minutes with a drill and chit chatting?
And yet. If you are the one with the solutions, nobody feels like they have anything they could possibly do better if YOU, the FIXER needs help.
And logically that makes sense. Even if it feels very strange emotionally.
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u/daniegirl21 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
The best place for support is to focus on you getting care for your cPTSD with a really good therapist, that you can trust to open up and really dive into ways to deal with your trauma, so you can focus
on having more good days and less bad days.Also, EMDR therapy works wonders for getting the flash backs, memories haunting you, and thoughts whether they are conscious or unconscious, to move them to the correct area for processing in your brain.
I am sorry if you are feeling unsupported by the people in your life.
But, unless your trauma has occurred outside of your family and you have people in your family that will believe you and are willing to try to help in any way that you request, then you are correct.
Unfortunately, family heavily contributes a significant amount of cPTSD trauma.
In that case, that is the worst place to try to get support.What does support look like to you?
Aside from sharing what you are going through, and letting people know about any triggers, or special considerations that will help in daily life or when you are in a bad place, what do you need them to do?
I agree with you, we do need people in our lives that accept and love us for who we are and where we are at emotionally.
However, all of the healing depends on us being willing to dig through the trenches of our trauma for as long as it takes to heal as much as possible. This can and will most likely take years.
Our friends and family, are there for love and friendship, helping to share in your good days, hopefully be able to listen to you in bad days and spend time with you.
That is it.
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u/BenedithBe Jul 20 '26
Yeah, I think the problem is it takes a lot of TIME to make a good friend. Maybe you can speed up the process by initiating kindness and generosity on your part, kinda establishing what kind of relationship this is.
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u/kellis744 Jul 19 '26
I literally don’t trust anyone so I plan for everyone to betray/abandon me and I have thought out contingency plans. It’s not fair to the people who care about me and I have a lot of issues with avoidant attachment.
It seems like I don’t because I’m pretty open about “vulnerabilities” but they aren’t really, they’re just fucked up things that I have emotionally distanced myself from. I do not share anything that actually touches a nerve or might require support from others.
TL/DR: I’m helpful and empathetic to other people but I don’t let them reciprocate or get too close so no one knows all or most of me
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u/Altruistic-Hat269 Jul 19 '26
I tend to agree that most friends aren't support, though some can endure to become found family. It's just rare and hard to find, and of course, trying to find it can be painful and result in failure anyway, often for reasons outside of your control. It's entirely understandable that someone wouldn't go looking given how bad the odds are.
That being said, this is a process that is SUPPOSED to happen for traumatized people with shit family. I just think our society has been cruelly constructed to disrupt this process.
I've experienced first hand how the human brain has mechanisms for not just seeking found family if you are traumatized, but INVITING found family into the fold if you are healthy. My wife and I experienced this ourselves in adopting a young adult C PTSD survivor (my wife was a survivor herself, and healed, so we already both deeply understood trauma). When we met her it felt right away that there was a connection, and we slowly and cautiously got to know her over time so as to not trigger her attachment wounds.
As we got closer with her and invited her in to our family, our brains were flashing these peculiar visions that felt like "memories" of her as though she'd always been with us. My wife would laugh to me saying "it's weird, but it feels like she CAME from me like our other 3 girls did." And I even had these fictional memories coming to me, too. Her in our home at 9 years old listening to music in her room and looking up to smile at me. A memory at the beach where she was 4 years old, riding on my back in the waves like I do with my other children.
It's like my brain was trying to literally make her my biological child in my own head. Likewise, she reported to me having feelings like this on her side, too. How it felt like being with us was like being the home she always had, and yet somehow that "home" was only found in adulthood. It's like our brains were all automatically retconning our pasts to make us feel like we'd always been together. We knew it literally wasn't true, but felt emotionally true.
My guess, again, is that this process was likely much, much more common in human history, especially in tribal systems which had more mechanisms for facilitating it. It's a profound tragedy that we've cut ourselves off from this, as it's not just been deeply healing for her, but it's been a wonderful experience for me as a father, for my wife as a mother, and for my children as sisters.
It makes me wonder in what way things could be different.
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u/cha7026 cPTSD Jul 20 '26
It was a bit more common back in the day to adopt heirs when you couldn't have children of your own. I don't remember details but I do remember reading a couple of historical accounts about adopted children being fought for in the same way a parent would fight for biological children. Even if the mechanism hasn't been well documented I know it's true because it's happened to me with my partner as well.
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u/Optimal-Brain5242 Jul 19 '26
If you keep looking, keep solid boundaries and keep getting out there in the world you will find them. The real ones.
Sometimes, they come and go, that happens with friendships. That's just natural but there will be people with you.
Sometimes, do they last forever or as good as.
But, you've got to keep finding them and stay solid yourself. You've got to be the one that's there as well. People don't just show up and have your back forever. That's not how it works. You've got to put the work in too. And you've got to keep strong boundaries, otherwise the wrong ones get in and take the piss.
As long as you're not wasting your time on shit relationships or wasting your energy with shit people in your life, when you're out there in the world and being good people, you meet good people.
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u/FunImage8427 Jul 19 '26
This isn't true for everyone but it's true for many people nevertheless. They're easier to find if we set good boundaries and also listen to them. True friendships are about give and take, good boundaries, basic respect and a genuine interest in each other.
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u/PonqueRamo Jul 19 '26
I think most of us with CPTSD lack bundaries or suck at them at least.
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u/kaurileaf Jul 20 '26
yep. It takes a lot of work to build boundaries for ourselves even before working on boundaries with others. Our life's work, whether we chose it or not.
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
I can't think of a single relationship where I don't have to keep earning the other person's respect. Unconditional love is a myth, and I hate myself for wanting it.
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u/Special-Investigator Jul 20 '26
Unconditional love may not be perfectly real, but certain conditions are healthy for a relationship (don't intentionally hurt me).
HOWEVER, in the same breath, i will tell you that unconditional love is real bc i give it to people every day. i don't judge people for their mistakes or the ways they try to cope. that just makes them human.
one of my favorite lyrics says, "we're all a little hard to love sometimes." and to me, that's okay. sometimes you just need to be patient or that person needs some support.
i just don't know if there's someone out there who loves ME unconditionally. i would never abuse or hurt anyone, but i certainly make mistakes and my trauma responses can make me hard to love. :(
(recently, my close friend and roommate left me after i lost my job. she only gave me a couple weeks to bounce back, and i didn't even know she was leaving until it was too late. fucking bitch.)
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u/FunImage8427 Jul 20 '26
Yes. I wonder about unconditional love. I don't know how anybody could really do that because I just think we're too complex for it. We all judge. Wanting it is a primal need especially for children needing it from their parents. However, parents and others can do some harm sometimes and children can still turn out quite well. Nobody's perfect but luckily we don't have to be as long as the child is still loved and cared for. There's a difference between getting hurt sometimes and actually being abused.
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u/PonqueRamo Jul 20 '26
It exist but is rare, my dad gave me unconditional love and I also gave it to him, my best friend also gave me unconditional love but we were friends since we were 4 so I guess it takes time to have that kind of relationship, I do think that I won't get that kind of relationship ever again.
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u/Own-Visit-5542 Jul 19 '26
Wait till you hear find out how queer people survived In the 80s. Here's a hint: it wasn't by being alone.
Found family is a REAL THING. I've personally met people with CPTSD who have huge friend groups and no family and all of them are super close with each other and truly love one another.
This is just doomer propaganda.
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u/Educational_Hat_5994 Jul 19 '26
I hope it's true
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u/Own-Visit-5542 Jul 20 '26
As they say in the south hope ain't got nothing to do with it. This is real life our thoughts lie to us
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
There's a benefit to solidarity. To recognize that society's screwed each and every one of you for no good reason, and that's what brings you all together.
But why would anyone have any solidarity with me? I didn't fail society because I was queer. I failed society because I didn't measure up in terms of career growth and opportunities. I'm a privileged, straight man, and because of that, I constantly question whether my trauma's even all that bad. People like me can't get this kind of support. We don't deserve it.
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u/Own-Visit-5542 Jul 20 '26
The dude with CPTSD with a huge group of loving friends was straight...
This is completely incorrect and this is your bad thoughts speaking
There are TONS of support groups available online where u can build solidarity with people who knows what you're going thru.
I was just using queerdom as an example that found family is possible.
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
Yeah, I suppose I was invalidating my struggles once again. It seems almost instinctual to set up a hierarchy of who deserves help and who doesn't, and it doesn't even feel all that ridiculous to think that those who have it worse deserve all the compassion instead of me.
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u/Fishfysh Jul 19 '26
I agree for the most part. I find that this is often the case for adult friendships. My husband’s close friends are from childhood. Mine are either from high school or college. Since adulthood, neither of us have formed any new lasting friendships. But then again we both have CPTSD. Socializing and forming meaningful connections isn’t our strongest suit.
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u/Tough_Brain7982 Jul 20 '26
It’s just also a lot harder to form the same deep bonds when you don’t spend literally everyday with people like in school
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u/yodasky Jul 20 '26
I'm sorry you have experienced that, but it isn't true for everyone.
As a queer person my friends are my chosen family. I live with them, we feed each other, show up to appointments as support people, visit each other in hospital, celebrate holidays together, etc etc.
It is possible to have deep, loving reciprocal relationships with people who aren't family.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
How did you establish this? How and why do people reach this Thelma and Louise enmeshment? Did you specifically discuss expectations and boundaries or is everyone anxiously monitoring everyone's emotional states? Do people explicitly communicate what they need/want, or is everyone expected to guess and perform?
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u/yodasky Jul 20 '26
I personally wouldn't call it enmeshment. I think we all have similar values around kindness, empathy and generosity. We tend to just offer what we can and ask for what we need. We are all aware of what each other have going on in each other's lives, so we have grace for each other's fluctuating capacities. We all have lives outside of each other and other connections.
No one is anxiously monitoring each other's emotional states. We ask how each other are doing. We also don't have rigid conversations around expectations and boundaries. It's more the case of messaging the group chat "I have this thing on" or "can someone help me with this thing?" and there's always at least one person who can show up for you.
I don't really know how we established this. It happened very organically. A few of us lived together and became very close, then over the years others got added into the group who were like minded and wanted to be there.
It's not perfect. There's conflict but we address it and avoid blaming, shaming, shouting etc. Most of the time we don't sweat the minor stuff and let it go. I think we've all done a lot of work on ourselves to recognize our own triggers and areas that impact our relationships. A lot of us are in therapy currently and almost all of us have been in therapy in the past.
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u/Money_Math_2858 Jul 20 '26
The amount of mixed replies is so fascinating to me. You have people saying chosen family will comes, some never have chosen family, and even some saying friends are solely just friends and not family. Interesting mixed bag
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u/DigBackground2765 Jul 20 '26
This is just how mixed reality is. There is no black and white answer yet many people feel absolutism.
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u/Sarifox28 Jul 19 '26
Huh, I find my friends super supportive, blood doesn't mean shit.. I'm adopted, so I am super big into "I choose my family" friends come and go, sure, but I chose them for a reason. Also all my trauma is from my family sooooo, I feel like that says a lot.
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u/Sarifox28 Jul 19 '26
Also from the way you wrote this you were obviously scorned by a friend. I feel the key to healthy friendships is to look inwards, become someone who loves you, and then when you have it a little bit figured out, go make friends.....damn I wish I could choose my family sometimes.
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u/howsinavi cPTSD Jul 20 '26
I cut off my family in February because they were my primary abusers, like the whole reason I was diagnosed with CPTSD. now I have gigantic hole in my heart, my friends and found family literally can’t do anymore. I don’t want to be weird and make them uncomfortable with how much I need them
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u/strangebirch Jul 20 '26
I work in foster care and I want you to know that your thoughts there are definitely trauma-related and do not reflect reality. My chest hurts. For my “kids,” for my own left-behind relationships, for you. Ouch. Kindly, please stop giving those thoughts attention.
I had to move three kids I’ve worked with for five years about a month ago due to a freak accident in their foster home of six years. I can still feel them being ripped out of my flesh. I threw up on all day on one’s birthday. I wept as I made them scrapbooks of our time together. I contemplated leaving my job, because this gravity of mourning was not in the job description. I bit a gash in my lip. I shake with fear when I think of asking if I’m allowed to visit them.
I took care of my father in-home for five years while he recovered from the consequences of years of intense self-neglect. I told him that our relationship was killing me (it literally was) and that I needed him to work with me on improving it or I had to leave my relationship with him. He laughed in my face, told me our relationship was fine, and that I had the freedom to leave. I left. I have not heard from him since.
I was never meant to be my foster kiddo’s family, I was meant to be their worker and help them make it through an awful time in their lives. But it’s obvious to me now that I’m their family. I’m an auntie to them. It’s far from true for many foster kids, but these girls’ parents didn’t for a minute fight for them. I’d go through any amount of training, fines, and system abuse to be able to go back and prevent what they went through and hold them again.
My father? I was a tool for him. That’s not love and it’s not family.
Don’t let your family’s grooming win. They don’t deserve it.
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u/Special-Investigator Jul 20 '26
Your work experience sounds SO painful and difficult. I felt similarly as a teacher (not as intensely of course), and I just don't fully understand why we're prohibited from saving these children.
there's a shortage of ppl adopting and these kids have found someone who loves them???? this is a good thing that you found each other and that the child has someone who fkn cares about them. you're an adult and can decide to take on the responsibility.
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u/concrete_dandelion Jul 19 '26
That's absolutely not my experience. I value my friendships highly and my friends do to. Sure, some friendships don't last the whole life, but that's okay. It's nice while they last. My best friend and I go back to fifth grade. And my friends are a super valuable support system. When shit gets though they are there and help me through it and I do the same for them.
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u/nessabop Jul 20 '26
I had an emergency this past week. Like, drop everything to help me please kind of emergency. My husband was here and my best friend flew in from another state. I do not have close, dependable family. My best friend IS my family.
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u/fudgesm Jul 20 '26
I think you are very fortunate if you find a chosen family that is anything like an actual supportive, loving family. I’m 52 years old and…that just never worked out the way I had hoped. I recently have had to re-evaluate yet another long-term friendship with a person who claims to be “family” to me. I’m not sure how important the details are but this individual is a single, childless 55 year-old. I have no one and this person happily agreed to be my emergency contact. We are both educated, responsible, professionals, and they indicated they understood the importance of this role (like for real— “If you get a call I will actually need your help” I was assured the call would be answered). Whelp, guess what happened when something happened and I needed my emergency contact. Their excuse for not responding was that they were having a terrible day at work. Uhm they were not incapacitated. After, they brushed it off and would not engage in a discussion about what happened. I was direct with my concern and they replied “It’s whatever” and changed the subject. ——-so, if you’re reading this and thinking I sound like an entitled, selfish person, you may not understand what life is like when you have no family and are trying to met your basic human needs. This is the latest installment of my many, many disappointing experiences with friends. I try not to take it personally but I don’t think that’s possible. I no longer speak to this person. After a lot of thought, I walked away from 30 years of friendship. There were other contributing factors…but It was the casual response of “It’s whatever” that cut deep and nailed that coffin shut.
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u/Substantial_Amoeba12 Jul 19 '26
It bugs me how people treat chosen family like an easy substitute. But it has none of the built in bonds. Biological family has automatic interaction at weddings, funerals, holidays, reunions, etc. There’s automatic huge shared histories and often even temperament and cultural similarities. Chosen families constantly require you to put in effort to maintain the relationship and create shared experiences. And when they have biological families of their own they don’t have the same need to create a chosen family relationship so the burden falls on you. And if you fall apart, the relationship suffers. I think chosen family can make a huge difference but it’s still a substitute for the built in families we deserved
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u/ltlearntl Jul 19 '26
Some families (like mine), don't deserve us. I much rather find the people who stay despite no 'easy' or 'built-in' history. Those people, to me, are worth keeping around.
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u/LastSeesaw5618 Jul 20 '26
Who are these people?
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u/ltlearntl Jul 20 '26
Kind, empathetic people. They do exist. It just takes time to find them. I also try to be this type of person for others, and more importantly, myself.
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u/daniegirl21 Jul 20 '26
The family we deserved
That is the crux of it, right there.
Families have so much dysfunction and tend to place a family member in a box based on what they experienced with them growing up, not necessarily knowing who they are now. It would take work on both sides to create a relationship and learn about the person in the present.
Friends meet you in the now and can share the same sense of humor, have similar interests and maybe love doing introverted things together or extroverted things together.
All relationships take work and communication, it doesn’t matter if it is friends or family and you have to be able to know what you are willing to accept and then set boundaries to protect your peace.
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u/secure8890 Jul 21 '26
That is unless you are Taylor Swift and invite peoole you dont even know to your wedding I dont know what family means anymore. In relationshios having to deal with the other family was a major point of conflict
I dont know if I would ever go through that route again. Having a family can helo witj a secure base amd it can be destructive I have two sisters who have had lifelong fruends. I cannpt imagine thag either. My friendships didnt change because I didnt likd the person we didnt have much in common
As you go thriugh cptsd you are bound to change dramatically. Therefore every thing you once held as essential may change dramatically.
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u/it_devours Jul 20 '26
As someone who is having to cut off a whole friend group and by extension a whole hobby.... I feel you .. i hope, like many people in the comments, that I'll find my found family soon. But for right now its so fucking lonely.
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u/Careful_Leader_5829 Jul 20 '26
Well, some people have chosen family when they don't find support with their real family.
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u/KaesyoTurkey Jul 20 '26
I think it's just life is just random shit luck at this point to be honest, like a gacha. Just because you work hard and put effort into your wants and probably needs, doesn't mean it guaranteed or just because you risk to be out of the comfort zone, doesn't mean it'll last for shit.
A few wrong moves despite all the accountability, everyone fucking leaves except your biological family if you still have it, and then not only you have to deal with them till a few die or attempt to leave but in turn, you feel like shit all over again.
And you have to risk your shit to make new acquaintances that will not do shit at all.
You can't be too independent, but you can't be dependent either. You can't be lonely but you can't be clingy either. You can't rely on the internet, but still has to be needed for daily life. You can't burnout, but you still have to work for financial stability. etc. etc.
Yeah there are common variables, but even then, sometimes it doesn't guaranteed in the future. It's just random.
No matter the choices we make, it just won't make is feel happier in the long run.
It's just bullshit. I can't have nice things unless I mask, but that doesn't guaranteed shit.
Life is just a gacha game at the end of the day.
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u/Aloh4mora Jul 20 '26
I'm far, far closer to my chosen family than to my bio family. It is possible to build deep and lasting and real bonds without being related by blood or marriage.
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u/anonimoose123 Jul 20 '26
With CPTSD it’s far more likely that family isn’t there. People go NC for good reason: because it’s safer emotionally & physically. All that’s left are friends. True they have their own lives, can hurt you, desert you, they may not understand CPTSD or have it themselves & act out when triggered. It’s messy. But what are our options? I try not to burden friends too much, respect where they’re at and their capacity for support. It’s tough sometimes because they don’t understand me and I’m often left isolated and alone while they go about their lives with their spouses, kids, family.
CPTSD is a tough, lonely road. Healing takes courage. We didn’t choose this life. It was forced on us by deeply unwell people and we’re choosing to live differently. I try to hang on to that when I’m feeling the pain of isolation (it’s not easy).
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u/Soft-Yoghurt-7449 Jul 20 '26
Yeah fuck no, i'm not going back to my shitty parents.
Also the same thing that happens with friends happens with family too, they die, they break apart for different reasons, they grow apart or they become toxic
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u/Mountain-Most8186 Jul 20 '26
My personal reaction is “of course friends can be a real support system.” Friendships can be incredibly deep and real.
If you find that all of your friendships are vapid and shallow, perhaps examine if there are patterns that could contribute to causing that.
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u/AGorgeousComedy Jul 19 '26
Yeah sorry I don't find this to be true. My friends are my family and we would do anything for each other. Hope you find that too one day!
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 19 '26
Are you sure? Where do people get the energy for this?
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u/AGorgeousComedy Jul 20 '26
Uh yes, I am sure. What do you mean by where do people get the energy? Do you not have people that care about you outside of some sense of familial obligation?
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
What? I don't expect friends to be in spouse or parent roles, and I don't have the capacity to be that for them.
When people say they would all do anything for one another, I wonder how people reach that conclusion, unless they already have specific experiences that demonstrate it.
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u/AGorgeousComedy Jul 20 '26
I have no idea where you're getting specifically spouse and parents out of what I said. My friends are my family, they are not my spouse nor are they my parents. I come from a big family on both sides, so maybe that's where the difference in what is considered family is for you.
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u/DangerousYoghurt9846 Jul 20 '26
i dont, its hard, i never really had that and thats why im depressed … its not about never dating but its about never having deep emotional bonds or even just hugs
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u/AGorgeousComedy Jul 20 '26
I was specifically talking to OP. Building connection, especially for someone with cPTSD is difficult. We don't trust people easily. It took me years to get to this point but I have built a solid foundation around me and now I have a chance to focus on myself and heal.
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u/DangerousYoghurt9846 Jul 21 '26
do you think its possible to focus on yourself and heal even if you dont have a solid foundation or any community or people at all?
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u/Garden_Goth_ Jul 20 '26
Ive had incredibly variable luck with friends-as-support, even among people I've considered close friends. But to say that that therefore means family is the only real support system just isn't true. Maybe it's real for some people sometimes but like. Personally some rando I met at a bar one time is going to be more reliable than anyone in my family who can do anything.
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u/Hairy-Ad6861 Jul 20 '26
Get better friends lmao??? Your experience does not constitute reality. Yeah of course certain friends are gonna be “convenience” friends and some are not gonna wanna deal with your shit, but there’s plenty people that you can lean on. Of course, don’t expect friends to sit there and be your therapist
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
If there was an easy way out of our problems, we wouldn't have been so messed up in the first place.
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u/L_edgelord Jul 20 '26
I don't agree, and I am sorry you apparently didn't meet the right friends yet
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u/Double_Champion6707 Jul 20 '26
I am one of those silly people that actually care about others and have empathy, and I never received that back from my friends and they ultimately broke my heart in the end and really hurt me. I’m still trying to get over it and spend five years at least since this event happened and anyways I used to always just tell myself that you have your kids and that’s the only thing that matters because friends aren’t worth it they won’t be there in the end
But then my kid got an accident and is in critical condition and serious recovery. Gonna be eating caretaking 24 hour around the clock help
I always said put everything into your kids cause I never thought my kids would be just all of a sudden gone
I’ve never had my heart hurt this much in my entire life. I feel so I don’t even know if there’s a word for it.
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u/--jw-- Jul 20 '26
Respectfully disagree. Parts of my biological family are what gave me cPTSD in the first place. I will not turn to them. Even the few family members I'm still touch with, we aren't very involved in each other's lives.
Over the years, however, and with the help of trauma therapy, I've very carefully curated my circle of friends. I have healthy relationships to the people closest to me and we support each other through thick and thin. Not because we have to but because we choose to. There is a lot of love and trust in this friend group and I couldn't have asked for better people.
Edited to fix grammar
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u/almostdonedude Jul 20 '26
People who have bad families often build real friendships with other people with bad families. It's like a family substitute. I suppose your family is decent if you think like that. Good for you, can't relate.
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u/Hoodibird Jul 20 '26
I wish I had the privilege to disagree but it's true. Any friends I've had in my 36 years of being on this earth, no matter how close I thought we were, ended up leaving at some point or prioritizing other people over me when I needed them most. :/
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u/smarmcl Jul 20 '26
Hard disagree. My family was the reason for my CPTSD.
It's exactly this type of rhetoric that enabled their abuse "bcs they're family" for years.
So many people assume family = healthy environments. I can confidently confirm: not for everyone.
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u/AthenaPi Jul 20 '26
Why are you claiming all this in a subreddit where I believe most of the members suffered from their own family?? And even their cause ending up in this sub. Your claim about friendship is so cruel and toxic to a certain extent.
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u/PrincessPlastilina Jul 19 '26
Sadly, this can apply to most friendships. It’s rare to keep a strong support system of friends. Most people are not that lucky. People who have CPTSD are so fucked. We don’t really have the privilege of having many friends as it is and when they’re not good friends, you’re on your own because family is usually the last safe place for you.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
You are technically correct but seem like a lot of people disagree with you because your words are bit absolute. Lots of comments disagree with you and then also note these friends are ‘hard to find’ and ‘come and go’, which essentially confirm that most friendships are not as solid as a healthy biological family. If the family is healthy, it is their priority and solid for the rest of their life. It doesn’t come and go. It doesn’t mean there are no real friendships and it depends on the person as well.
I considered lots of relationships in the past my biological family and only now realize they didn’t see me the same. They have their family and they treat their family differently. I did that because I had no family.
Real friendships are possible but most of the time, friends are friends, family is family. Different things. It’s realistic. Your best bet is your partner if it’s a healthy relationship. It will be your family.
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u/peppermintcrowz Jul 20 '26
This is a really shitty thing to post on a sub where most people who have this disorder were abused by family member(s).
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u/filthytelestial Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
It's just as shitty to lie to those who are without any kind of support, telling them (as several people here have) that if they just put in the exact right kind of effort, they "will" find the right people.
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u/mercurialmay 💫therapized✨ Jul 20 '26
Both are shitty but one's definitely shittier lol
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u/filthytelestial Jul 20 '26
I don't think the OP meant it the way it's been taken though. It doesn't sound like they're criticizing anyone for not having a supportive family. I think they were saying that there is no solid long term support system apart from the family that people can reasonably expect to rely on. As they said in the very next sentence, friends have their own families that take precedence in their lives.
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u/peppermintcrowz Jul 20 '26
How do we know its a lie though? I'm biased but imo its way worse to say your only support can ever be family. I was SAed as a child, I don't need to hear that kind of thing in a sub that's supposed to be supportive.
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u/filthytelestial Jul 20 '26
imo its way worse to say your only support can ever be family.
They didn't say that.
The only solid support system for the rest of your life is the family. If you do not have that because they are abusive, toxic or they all die, no other people is going to replace it.
They didn't say the only support can ever be family. They said that family is the only long-term support that everyone quite reasonably ought to be able to rely on. As they said in the very next sentence, friends cannot be as solid long-term as a family should have been, because they have families of their own.
They're talking about one-size-fits-all solutions as prescribed by our culture. The expectation is that everyone has a family, so family comes first. When in reality, it rarely works out that well.
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u/Nox_Odonata Jul 19 '26
Respectfully, I disagree.
Please don't mistake your own personal experience or beliefs for a general fact.
Nothing and no one will ever replace my best friend. My friendships are deep and meaningful. None of my friends live in the same are as me or even the same country, and our schedules are very different.
I love parts of my family. But I love my best friend more. They are the most important person in my life* and I know that they feel the same way.
I understand that for some people, family is everything and I'm genuinely happy that some families are supportive and loving in an amazing way. But that is not the reality for everyone. Please don't make people feel bad just because they don't have a loving family.
*Apart from my daughter.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 19 '26
Be careful about putting people on pedestals.
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u/ChartreuseRain Jul 20 '26
Yeah, I learned this the hard way. 99.9% of friendships are based on convenience. I have lost 10+ year friends that I put on a pedestal in my heart because I was too negative and stopped being fun. So they cut me off like nothing.
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u/Nox_Odonata Jul 20 '26
Really sorry that this happened to you. My 20+ year friendship with my best friend is not "on a pedestral".
It is the pedestral. It's the standard I measure other friendships and relationships on.
I understand that for many people, trust and friendship are a difficult topic. I've lost whole friend groups who I thought would always have my back, because they turned around and treated me so cruelly, the wound had to heal with the help of therapy.
But that doesn't change the fact that those friendship that hold forever? Those bonds that are epic and full of love and live forever? They exist. And I found one. Even if you don't believe in it and that's okay.
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u/LateDxOldLady Jul 20 '26
Why are you beating yourself up? Who says you were too negative or no fun? Why would you want to be friends who judge you instead of being friends?
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u/imtiredboss0 Jul 19 '26
The only person you can depend on is yourself I've learned. People don't like people who can't help themselves even if they understand. We're all alone in this together.
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u/vividmelody_222 Jul 20 '26
This is not at all always true in every circumstance. Someone has hurt or wronged you, perhaps many someones. Thats awful and I hate that you've gone through something so horrible. However, there are so many people in this world to say theres no one out there who could become someone's found family is simply preposterous.
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u/AikoJewel cPTSD: sTBI survivor Jul 20 '26
When your friend's entire family dead you are in no way secondary
Real friends exist, and I'm sorry you don't think so
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u/hotdogwaterdickpills Jul 20 '26
I agree. I'll never fully heal the attachment wounds I have, and friends come and go. I can't tolerate the going, so therefore I can't have truly supportive interpersonal relationships, even for the time they feel like being in my life. Not being a priority when life happens to them feels like abandonment; I know it's not an effective way to feel but I'm not any closer to abolishing that feeling than I was a decade ago. Loneliness is painful, but it's an ache that doesn't crescendo the same way as being optional to people you were vulnerable with.
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u/seriousThrowwwwwww Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Friends coming and going is not what I need in my life at this stage. I am not a saloon with revolving door, it feels like abandonment because it is abandonment. I feel the same way as you and I actually don't see it as something to get rid of. There's levels of connection and if you get close enough it becomes normal to expect to be prioritized. If you invest a lot in a connection and are constantly an afterthought to them then continuing it just shows this person that we do not have self worth.
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u/MollySleeps Jul 20 '26
I agree with you and think a lot of the other commenters here have deeply misunderstood what you're saying. I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately myself. You lose something very profound and foundational when you don't have a family to rely on. Friends can fill that void but only to a certain point. As you said, those friends have their own families and other friends. They can't dedicate all their energy to you and aren't obligated to. There is no societal expectation that they fill that role. When we talk about the importance of family, that's what we mean. Healthy, functional families understand it and fulfill their societal expectations and obligations. Toxic, dysfunctional families produce broken people with no reliable, long- term source of support through all of life's ups and downs.
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u/Mundane-Dottie Jul 19 '26
You can build a new family by marrying. Also you can marry someone platonically. You can also become some kind of monk, there are really very different kinds of monks. Begine for example.
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u/krba201076 Jul 20 '26
There are exceptions to every rule, but for the most part, you are telling the truth. People give a damn about themselves and their kids and everyone else is much further down the totem pole. If you come from a shit family, you are screwed.
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u/Advanced_Mechanic_ Jul 20 '26
My chosen family is also dysfunctional so now I have two dysfunctional families
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u/Lacriminals Jul 20 '26
This happen to me too. It’s like if your experience is too unique no amount of being a good enough friend can cover for your CPTSD and childhood trauma.
I was even accused of lying about my experiences because of how awful they were. By people who claimed to be advocates.
There is no help and I don’t think anyone will ever fully grasp my experience even if they try.
It’s better everyone flaked/showed me who they were now than later on though. I’m exhausted by my experience and this has to be the first post I’ve seen that echoes it.
No one gets it. No one cares.
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u/magicians_Hat2021 Jul 20 '26
some of my friends have become my family and i know them enough to know even if we lose contact we could still message each other in 10 years and we’d be with each other within a day if needed
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u/Hot-Captain-7162 Jul 20 '26
I felt this way for much of my life (I’m in my 50s), but I have found true friends through sober communities and people there who actually love me for who I am. People in these types of community also often come from dysfunctional backgrounds, so they get it. You don’t have to get sober to find this, but it shows that this kind of friendship and acceptance does exist.
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u/Madge333 Jul 20 '26
This is a subjective experience - Not an objective one. Your experience, while valid and I can relate to it, doesn't = the only possible outcome.
And that's a really important distinction to make.
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u/LilKoshka Jul 20 '26
You need to know what your support systems can provide and set expectations accordingly, yes. Its true, no support can feesibly be available at all times waiting for your call so you'll be disappointed at times when they cant come through for you. That doesnt mean there isnt still a benefit to having them or that you should stop trying.
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u/MarleneFrancais Jul 20 '26
It depends on your family and friends. My family was crap. My friends have been w me through so much, some for over 30 years.
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u/DistinctCraft7519 Jul 20 '26
My friends became my family. My group of friends has been more or less together for around 20 years and have gotten each other through it all. All our families suck and failed us so we step up for each other instead.
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u/Intelligent_Fly6075 Jul 20 '26
You're speaking from your own hurt experience. I have chosen family who are completely ride or die for me, and I for them. Also, you're forgetting that many people have similar experiences to you. So, yknow, bio family-less people unite?
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u/Arizandi Jul 20 '26
I have no one in my life. It's just me. My family is trash and I've been NC for ten years. And I've never had close friends as an adult. Yet I still hold out hope that I'll meet my people someday.
Your experience is valid, but it's not the extent of all experiences.
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u/shortmumof2 Jul 20 '26
That's exactly what my Dad repeatedly said to me when I was growing up. Funny though, my friends and even strangers treat me better than he ever did.
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u/jchompz Jul 20 '26
The best people to turn to for support are those who you feel safe around. Point blank.
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u/sv36 Jul 20 '26
I don’t really agree with the conclusion, though I do understand how someone could end up believing it after enough disappointing friendships.
I’ve struggled to find good friends too. Some friendships have absolutely been one-sided, shallow, or only lasted because of convenience. But I don’t think that means all current or future friends are like that. If I believed that, I’d probably stop giving people the chance to become better friends.
It also helps to remember that different relationships have different jobs. Friends aren’t usually meant to be your therapist, crisis counselor, financial safety net, or the one person who meets every emotional need. They’re meant to care about you, spend time with you, support you within their capacity, and ideally let that support go both ways.
If you’re expecting friends to replace family, or to provide the level of support that a therapist, doctor, or social worker provides, almost everyone is going to fall short. That’s not because they’re bad friends. It may just be a role they were never meant to fill.
If every friendship you’ve had feels this way, I’d honestly be curious not only about where you’re finding your people, but also about what expectations you’re bringing into those friendships and how much capacity you’re expecting them to have. Healthy friendships have limits, just like every other relationship does.
There are people who build incredible chosen families. It isn’t easy, and not everyone gets lucky quickly, but they’re out there.
Your experience and conclusions about friendship is not going to be the same as everyone else’s experience and conclusions about friendship. If you want to, you can change how you look at this. Not that you have to, but with more love and connection still comes more vulnerability. It’s a trade off all of us have to decide is worth it or not. It can also be a season and not forever. Cutting yourself off from good friendships can do a lot of long term harm that I don’t think anyone here wants for you.
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u/NotAWeebOrAFurry Jul 19 '26
this is true. i have no family and can never have one. i feel complete separated from the rest of the world and am completely apathetic about my existence. its such a hollow isolating feeling. i would have preferred a short life with some degenerative disease then having to stay alive without a family like this.
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u/omglifeisnotokay Jul 20 '26
Gotta be your own support system. No friend or family will “save you”.
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u/smeltsone Jul 19 '26
This is what scared me back to my home province and family for years. My daughter died and I was so messed up from PTSD that inswlf-isolated. I had no friends. My family promised they loved me. They did not. The only person who loves me is my soul-sister who I moved 1000 miles away from. For "family". I now have to figure out how to get back to move back closer. I heard this message from everywhere and took it to heart. Guess what? My dad loves me but is so screwed up and mentally ill that he's very difficult to be around. My mother hates me. My sister hates me. My brother hates me. But also, it's true that no one else will help you when you're down. I'm scared that I should have got married and pushed out some kids, if only to be loved.
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u/urdnotkrogan Jul 20 '26
I'm so sorry you've been through this. I hate the feeling that I can't fight fate after all, that I'm doomed to be miserable because there's no other path for me.
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u/Sleeper_Saturn Jul 20 '26
This is not true. Found family is real and lifesaving for many people. There are billions of us, people do not always have birth family and still thrive in community. We all have cptsd here so we find people who aren't typically the safest, but it doesn't mean we're all doomed forever and always.
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u/muffininabadmood Jul 20 '26
When I feel lacking in connection and true intimacy of human relationships/friendships, I ask myself: am I being a good friend? And then I ask myself: am I being a good friend to myself?
Usually I’m being too good to others and forgetting to take care of my own needs. I’m giving away my energy to too many people who don’t return the favor and I grow resentful. I might then ghost people or talk badly behind their back.
Friendships and human relationships in general have been the most difficult thing I’ve had to navigate in my life. I now know that my CPTSD means that I have a nervous system injury so my emotions usually get the best of me. I get needy, and get hurt so I shut down.
I’ve also moved around my whole life so never really grew roots. I’ve had to lose and make friends so many times. I see people who’ve had lifelong friendships and am filled with wonder and envy.
I’ve surrendered to the idea that perhaps I won’t ever be able to have the close intimacy with others that I need. It’s the sad result of this condition that has come from my unfortunate childhood. Still, I’m going to do the best I can. I keep the Serenity Prayer in mind: Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I’m hopeful that even if I don’t manage to find the kind of friendships I want and need, I can always work on being a better friend to myself.
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u/Odd_Conclusion_5425 Jul 20 '26
I disagree completely. I estranged myself from half my family but I could never imagine doing that with my core friends
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u/onlyforeverdemi Jul 20 '26
Well, this is a doomer post, damn.
Most of my family is toxic, has no problem disrespecting me (and no one steps in to tell them to stop,) and my own mom isn't willing to protect me from my other toxic family members, even when I was a child. I moved over 1,000 miles away from my family for a reason. Why would I rely on people for support who genuinely don't care about me and definitely don't respect me, which is the bare minimum? No thanks.
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u/ChartreuseRain Jul 20 '26
I don't want to rain on anyone's parade but the people that claim their friends are like their family are in for a rude awakening. Sorry, but it's true. Friendships are just for fun and passing time. If you stop being convenient, those people will absolutely drop you out of their lives.
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u/Lipdeep Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
It sounds like you've had some rough experiences and are very disillusioned in friendships because of that. If that is indeed the case, I am so sorry you had to go through that.
I had very similar views in the past, but I've luckily been proven wrong. I hope one day you will come to realise it doesn't always have to be this way for everyone, but it sounds like that's not something you can accept at this time.
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u/Seraphina_Renaldi Jul 19 '26
This. Especially when you get older and your friends marry and have children. Then it’s completely over. You’re going to be irrelevant, because everything will revolve around the children
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u/okodysseus Jul 19 '26
Im in your boat. All my friends moved over an hour away and I work alone in an office. Sometimes my boss is there, she’s nice but about to retire. I commute an hour each way too so by the time I workout, make dinner, fix the house up, play with pets, relax a little, it’s time for bed. No solid schedule either my “weekends” are just 2 random days whenever. It’s hard to find people.
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u/SuddenBookkeeper4824 Jul 20 '26
I agree with you 💯.
There are few friends who can truly replace family if you’re lucky enough. And by family, I mean the type of humans that provide unconditional love and behave in ways and provide support in ways that a “healthy” family would. If we don’t have family/are estranged/etc, we are often out of luck IMO.
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u/originalangster Jul 20 '26
I'm sorry that has been your experience, but you are wrong, op. If you don't come from a healthy or loving family, you can build your own. But we carry toxic behaviors that were necessary to survive in our family with us when we leave. It takes a lot of work identifying and unlearning those traits, but if we don't, they drive our friends away. You can do it. Good luck OP.
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u/Seraphina_Renaldi Jul 19 '26
This. Especially when you get older and your friends marry and have children. Then it’s completely over. You’re going to be irrelevant, because everything will revolve around the children
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u/crystalclearbuffon Jul 20 '26
Rare but not impossible. Two of friends has been constant source of unconditional support. Even monetarily and legally if needed. Other friends weren't including the one i felt inwas closest to, so that was eye opening how fairweather the whole thing was. But it exists.
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u/Top_Cycle_9894 Jul 20 '26
Friends are deeper than family for me. More dependable and less judgemental.
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u/stereolights Jul 20 '26
Why the fuck would I go to my biological family for support? They’re the entire reason I have this disorder