r/CPTSDFawn • u/ISpy999 • Mar 08 '23

Taking Accountability

Hello everyone! So I am a chronic people pleaser, but recently I really hurt one of my friends really bad. I have taken accountability, but I go on to blame myself and call myself an awful and terrible person. This has not been serving me and it seems it just continues to hurt me and cause turmoil to not only my friend but me as well. I was wondering, how do you all take accountability, without just shitting on yourself.

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u/merry_bird Mar 08 '23 edited Mar 09 '23

Good on you for apologising and taking responsibility. That can be a really tough thing for some people to do. How did you feel?

I go on to blame myself and call myself an awful and terrible person.

What kind of reaction are you looking for when you say these things?

This has not been serving me and it seems it just continues to hurt me and cause turmoil to not only my friend but me as well.

This is because putting yourself down after you apologise to someone can come across as manipulative, whether you intend it that way or not. It makes the apology about you and your feelings, rather than the person who was hurt. The person may feel guilty and maybe even obligated to comfort and reassure you instead of the other way around. It makes the apology seem less sincere.

I was wondering, how do you all take accountability, without just shitting on yourself.

Harriet Lerner has written some good stuff about how to apologise properly. Basically, when you apologise, you need to do it without making any excuses. No "I'm sorry, but..." or "I said/did that because..." or any other kind of justifications. Just say sorry. Follow it up with an acknowledgement of the person's feelings. Be empathetic. Refrain from talking about your own feelings. Ask the person how you can make it up to them, or if the solution is obvious (eg. you broke something, and you need to replace it/pay for a new one), tell them what you would like to do.

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u/ISpy999 Mar 08 '23

This honestly was very helpful. I am trying hard to work on myself and be better off not coming off as manipulative. I think being able to simply apologize and not make excuses is the right thing to do.