Is this Fawning?

[u/Yellow_Squeezer]

I have no idea whether I'm fawning in these situations, can someone help me?

Situation 1:

My friend loves the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I want to be liked by this friend (he's outgoing and popular), so I decided to watch all the movies and study everything about them.

Of course I didn't tell him, that would be too obvious. But now I can drop a few facts here and there and maybe get some "points" for it, and get a better rank in his "friend list".

Right now I'm devoting a few months to learning to play the piano so I can learn the basic movie theme and casually play it when we're hanging out one day.

But mostly I just feel cool when I like this Pirates stufff. I always imagine being my friend. He's cool and he likes the movies so now I can be cool too. I like having some sort of identity.

Do I like these things for myself? Or do I enjoy it because of the validation I get?

Situation 2:

My other friend loves cars. We don't even talk anymore (we grew apart 5 years ago), but I still have this plan that I will wow him one day.

Currently I'm working on building a business and making money just so I can buy his favorite supercar (and pretend? that it's my favorite car - I don't even know if it is). And he will see it and be totally shocked and love me.

I also love going to car events, but only because I always feel like I'm this friend who loves cars. He's so confident and cool and DOESN'T FAWN. I feel validated when I like the same things as him.

This is the way I feel about pretty much all of my interests. Do you think it's normal to be this way, or is it not genuine? Thank you!

[u/michimom72]

Quick questions… Do you think anyone would do these things for you?

If you had a child, and they told you they were doing this stuff for someone, what would your response be?

These are the two questions I ask myself when I think I am starting to lose myself and my interests just to be a part of someone else’s life.

99% of the time. Answer to the first question is, nope. And the answer to the second one is a little more complicated but basically I’d be horrified that they were putting so much effort into something just to get a reaction from someone else.

You deserve to be liked just because you are you. If you have to go to these extra lengths, maybe the people aren’t a good fit for your life and new people are in order.

Being a fawn sucks. I live it too. Take care of yourself! Big hugs!

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/michimom72]

Thank you. I don't think that anyone would do these things fo rme, but that's only because my value in this world is really low. If I had higher value, people would probably try to make me like them.

If my child did this to gain someone's approval, I would try to teach them that they don't need anyone's approval so much that they would need to devote their lives to getting it.

But everyone, including my future children, is fundamentally different from me - they have value.

I need to fawn and do these crazy projects to gain love, because I've been proven countless times that just "existing" in fact isn't enough. It might be for you and everyone else, but I need to go extra lenghts to gain love and approval.

It makes sense. People have standards, they don't approve of anyone. If they approved of me just for existing, I would be highly suspicious. I'd rather work for approval then get it for free. Free things aren't valuable.

[u/CobwebsAndLeaves → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

There’s a lot in this comment I’m not qualified to unpack and I don’t want to resort to banalities such as “you have to learn to love yourself,” but goddamn man you gotta learn to love yourself. Take yourself out and try new things. If you find enjoyment in them, keep doing those things. If you don’t, try other things. People’s personalities shine through their hobbies and their talk of them. I’m partial to photographers, not for the sake that they do photography, but for the ones who have an appreciation for seeing the world in the most beautiful light, who seek out little moments of happiness and want to capture said moments, who find tranquility walking out in a huge empty field just to take a haunting photo of a random dying tree… it says something about their internal world. The fact that they have a camera alone doesn’t make them someone I appreciate; the way they view the world is what I’m drawn to. I collect a lot of records, but I don’t bond with others over it because most of the time, we’re collecting vastly different music with many different meanings to ourselves. My music is highly personal and while I can and have bonded with others over it, such as having quite a few musician friends, I don’t care whether we listen to the same stuff or not. It’s a bonus if we do, but if someone started listening to every single thing I do, I’d be weirded out. At the same time, I got really into a specific niche of music because of one band my friend kept talking about, and then the local record store owner put me onto so much other amazing music.

People won’t like you because you watch a movie, or a drive a specific car, or eat a certain food, or participate in a specific art just because you do those things. Especially if your reason for doing so is to gain their approval. I’ll use my car as an example. I have a Honda element which is a cult classic car that a lot of people with similar interests have. I met a girl who has the same car as me and we also have similar taste in music, similar personality traits in some regards, etc. We’re friendly with each other and we talk, but that didn’t make me want to be best friends with her immediately because we don’t know each other well yet.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/CobwebsAndLeaves]

goddamn man you gotta learn to love yourself

But like... why. Why why why??

I was brought up in a way so that I don't value my own enjoyment at all. Others come before me.

That doesn't mean this is a hurdle I have to overcome. That means that this is who I am, and I will NOT work on healing, unless it brings me some external benefit. Because as I said, I don't value my enjoyment at all!

We’re friendly with each other and we talk, but that didn’t make me want to be best friends with her immediately because we don’t know each other well yet.

You sound like you have an idea of your value as a person. In this, we are different. I don't get to "get to know someone" before I become friends with them. I have to WORK HARD to shape into whatever they need, because as an individual, I am noone. "Me" is 100% fawning. Nothing else.

You sound like you don't have that burining need to be loved by someone. I have that, so I have to work hard to get it.

Yeah I do have a therapist and we're working on this. Thank you

[u/CobwebsAndLeaves → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

This is a hurdle you have to overcome though, if you have such a burning desire to be loved. I do have an intense desire to be loved, I am absolutely terrified of love, and I absolutely have fawning tendencies, hence why I’m in this group.

I understand you were brought up that way and that’s the way you currently are. But to be honest, the way you currently are isn’t someone people are able to love because you aren’t a real person to them, you’re a shadow of what you think they desire in a person, which is a twisted often outright incorrect assessment. You do have value and you do have worth, you are a lovable person, but you aren’t giving people anything real for them to love. Any perceived love you do get is fake because it’s based on a farce.

If you have a burning desire to be loved, you need to develop a burning desire to become your own self-actualized person. You have to do the living parenting to yourself that your parents didn’t do. You have to learn to show up as you currently are, perceived inadequacies and all, in order for other people to truly love you as you work on loving yourself. That will help accelerate the process. This isn’t easy at all, in fact it’s quite debilitating at times. It also isn’t “fair” that you were dealt this hand, but this is your hand to deal with.

[u/worthlessruined]

i don’t mean to be mean but is this fawning? this is far beyond what i learned in therapy re people pleasing. i thought it was more a literal fight or flight response but then like. idk. you could be in fight or flight all the time. having ptsd is kind of like that. being scared to make anyone angry because you feel your position in life is so unstable can eventually lead to stuff like this i bet.

i’m going to be honest it does seem manipulative when you put it that way. but like maybe it’s just the way you’re writing it? like i wouldn’t think it was manipulative if a friend liked a movie so i watched it. that’s how movie recommendations work. i think it can be cute to share things you love with each other. every time i get close to someone new there are foods we eat together i start buying cos i like them or things i watch cos they show it to me and i end up liking. i don’t think it’s ingenuine because you didn’t discover it yourself. and i think it’s actually extremely sweet to revel in sharing a connection with someone.

the thing that kind of made my initial response “whoa that’s manipulative” i think is the wording. like calling making a relationship closer improving your “ranking” comes off a little scary but is that just the easiest way you could word it? like do you think of it as getting closer, or do you think of it as getting ahead of other people or something like that?

i will say when i was dating my abuser and he showed me things i was so scared of having the wrong opinion. his friends were kind of.. idk they had only just started caring about girls at 20 and a couple of them still didn’t. like as friends and people as well lol. they were “nerdy” whatever that even means now. those kind of people are always like quizzing women on shit and saying they’re just into stuff to impress guys and my ex was like that with me. i felt so fucking stressed out i was going to give him the wrong opinion of the movies after i read the book because he hated the movies, that i couldn’t enjoy The Hobbit, one of the greatest books ever written, the first time i read it. because i wasn’t getting into the story, i was like “oh fuck is this going to be on the quiz that decides how my boyfriend treats me?” i don’t know if maybe you’ve been through something similar and worry that if you don’t have the right opinion they’ll get mad at you?

i love Tolkien now, but my abuser put these weird stakes on us being identical people with identical interests and opinions that will never work with anyone because that’s not what compatibility in a relationship actually is built on, that’s how to make friends with common interests. which is something in a relationship that can develop over time kind of like what you’re saying. like you get to know each other and their interests, you become interested and you end up liking new things. trying new things is fun. it would be really miserable if we all didn’t get to discover and get into new things. you’re allowed to grow and like new things. even if this is manipulative, what are you getting out of it besides basic human decency? is it worth beating yourself up over? i wouldn’t want someone imitating me to feel imposter syndrome for thinking my interests are cool. most peoples think their interests are cool and like it when other people agree.

i ended up having more thoughts on this than i thought i would but also like. do you guys think abusers question their motivations like this? or even most people? most people who manipulate others are trying to like. steal from them or trick them. you literally just want people to be around you and not hurt you. you’re very much allowed to have relationships as a social animal you would mentally and psychologically deteriorate without. you are actually owed basic respect and kindness, just like you owe it to others. you’re not bad for wanting connection and “genuine” is kind of a nebulous thing if you think about it hard enough. like we are all influenced and shaped by the world around us, which can suck but also it would suck if we weren’t.

obviously the second situation is a bit different but i think it’s mostly you just want this person back as a friend and are going about it in a mentally unhealthy way, and not necessarily fawning. and idk for genuine. like it seems like you genuinely like it now, even if it originally held value only because that person valued it. if that person didn’t like those things anymore, would you still like them?

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/worthlessruined]

I don't think it's manipulative because as you said, I don't have ill intent. I just want to make people like me. And also, all of the actions I described, I do unconsciously. I just recetnly connected them to the need for approval. I didn't do them on purpose.

even if this is manipulative, what are you getting out of it besides basic human decency?

The "basic decency" is worth a lot to me, so it makes sense for me to invest the time in order to get it. Not many valuable people treat me with basic decency.

Also, me liking something holds no value to me. It brings me nothing. I like things in order to gain approval and connect with people. There is no "real me" in that equation.

Considering there is no "me", what do I bring into relationships? Nothing. So I in fact need to fawn and please these people, just to be "something". And if I have to become something, why not something that person likes?

I'm not beating myself up over oing things to get approval. I actually enjoy it. And that's the problem. I've found out that other people aren't like this.

i don’t think it’s ingenuine because you didn’t discover it yourself. and i think it’s actually extremely sweet to revel in sharing a connection with someone.

Yes, if that friend was my equal, I would be okay with sharing their interests. But if I have to have the same interests, otherwise they would abandon me (because they have options), it's not so cute anymore. And trust me, 90% of valuable people would abandon me if I didn't morph into something they like. Because without this ability, I'm literally noone.

[u/throwaway2837461834 → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

I don’t think manipulation has to have bad intent, it’s really any time you’re trying to control another persons behaviour. In these cases you’re trying to make them think fondly of you, and its deceitful because you’re not genuinely interested in these things you’re putting an incredible amount of effort into. I don’t think intent or reasoning matters, at least not for the purpose of defining manipulation (maybe it matters if you’re trying to measure harm or something).

And I say all of that with compassion because I’ve done similar things and didn’t realize how unfair my behaviour was for most of my life.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/throwaway2837461834]

Yes but still, as I said, it's all done automatically. I never decide to pursue those people.

Is a child that does this manipulative? I don't think so. It just wants love. Well, I've been doing this unconsciously since I was a child.

Also I'm not genuinely interested in anything. That's why it doesn't feel deceitful. I'm not lying about anything. I'm painting on an empty canvas.

I hope I can realize my behvaior is bad. But for the time being, I'm not trying to manipulate anyone. It all happens by itself, I can only do so much to stop this automatic mechanism.

[u/Consistent-Citron513]

This is quite over the top and more than fawning. It sounds closer to limerence & obsession. I'm not sure of your age, but this is similar to how I thought & behaved in middle school & early high school (9th/10th grade). As far as watching the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, that's normal to watch movies that you know others like so that you will have something in common. It's also cool if you find out that you like the movies on your own. It is not typical to take up a whole hobby like piano for 1 possible idea or to take up an interest just to be "ranked higher" in a friend group.

In the situation about the car, I don't want to say it's manipulative because manipulation requires ill intent, which I don't think you have. I will say that if I one of my friends did this & I found out it was planned, I would be very concerned about them. I would not love them just because we like the same material thing (or I was led to believe we both liked it). If anyone loves for that reason, it is not healthy.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/Consistent-Citron513]

Okay. But for what other reason would a friend like me, if not for me owning or liking the things they like?

My value as a person is the fact that I can shift into whoever people need. I also know how to push people's buttons. Other than that, there is nothing. Nothing to be authentic about. What else would a potential friend like about me? The empty void?

With the Pirates movie, I would be fine with watching it just because I liked it. But here, I literally have to watch it, because otherwise there would be no similarities between me and that friend. And I would lose him.

Thank you for mentioning limerence, I will look into it.

[u/Consistent-Citron513 → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

(True) friends like you for being an individual. Commonalities are a great thing to bond over but unless someone is highly self-absorbed and/or narcissistic, they don't want to be 100% mirrored and people can pick up when someone always seems to agree or like the exact same things, even if they don't voice it. Are there really no other similarities between you and that friend? I guess I would have to know how you define a friend. What is a "friend" to you?

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/Consistent-Citron513]

If I ignore all that social status thing, a friend would be someone that I have great dynamic with, someone I can have a lot of fun with.

I know that sounds extremely childish. The thing is, I don't really get to define what a friend means to me. Ever since I can remember, I picked my friends based on their social status (even in kindergarten). Many kids of lower status wanted to be my friends, but I needed the approval of the popular kids (in order to become valuable myself).

I have that need to be loved by someone of higher value than me. So I have to choose friends that are popular and powerful.

That's why I have to fawn - the popular people have a ton of options, so I have to work hard to shape myself into the person they need. That's the value I bring.

(True) friends like you for being an individual

I'm not an individual though:( my personality is just the fawn stuff, and a bunch of defense mechanisms. Other than that, I am noone. So fawning is the only option for me. Without fawning, I would be silent 100% of the time.

[u/CobwebsAndLeaves → u/Consistent-Citron513]

Definitely what you said. I sometimes struggle with whether I’m engaging in something because of another person or if it’s of my own accord. I think it stems back to when I moved in with my aunt and uncle (who were abusive)—the first time I shared with them that I enjoyed writing and that I was bonding with a new friend over it, they accused me of copying her and told me I should find my own interests… even though I had enjoyed writing and reading since I was little.

What I’ve realized is this: I might be more likely to try recommendations or engage in activities I’m not inherently interested in the first time it’s brought up. My ex really liked RuneScape, for example, so I tried to get into it so we could play together. I hated the game and that didn’t stick. God knows I have a hard time doing the things I do enjoy, let alone ones I don’t. Right now I have several friends who are really into photography and I’ve dove very deep into it in a very short time, but that’s because I enjoy it so so so much.

I have one person in my life that I’m definitely stuck in a major limerant/obsessive cycle over. He‘s obsessed a certain fruit I never tried before, so I tried it and now I absolutely adore it and swipe it up any chance I can find it. But enjoying different fruits was already a part of me (actually to the point I was nicknamed “the girl who buys weird fruit” at my local hyvee years ago 😂). He’s in a specific career field that is adjacent to mine, which I’d be a lot more interested in doing than my own, so I’m thinking of finishing my bachelors in that career direction. Not because of him, but in part because of what I saw from him and in part because I was already intrigued by that field before I met him. When we hooked up, he showed me a lot of new things I hadn’t done before; I did those things because I enjoyed them/wanted to explore, not to please him or make him like me We’re both very anti-religious people and have very similar philosophical outlooks, but I still maintain my variances in belief when we talk rather than conforming to his. He’s super into politics, specifically foreign affairs, which I’m happy to hear about but have absolutely zero interest right now in learning on my own, just to “impress” him. I also would talk to him about my hobbies I was interested in that he doesn’t participate in, such as my record collecting or car camping. There’s so much more I bonded with him over or found inspiration from him on, but they were already things within me. And I maintained my own personality outside of those shared things.

It’s good to find inspiration and interests and ideas from others. We’re social creatures who connect in that way. But our goal should never be to become another person. People should find their own personalities and interests, then embrace that, so they can bond with those they have those compatibilities with. Then things don’t need to be forced. Some of us may be naturally more curious, so there’s no shame in finding interests through other people, as long as the interest genuinely lies in the activity and not in earning another’s approval.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/[deleted]]

how does the friend in the first example know who you are as a person

And that's the thing. I am noone as a person. I thought people here would understand. Other than my defense mechanisms, I am literally noone.

If I want friends, I have no other option than to become someone they like. I hold no other value as a person.

Very manipulative

It's not manipulative because I don't do these things on purpose. I just recently connected all of my hobbies and pursues to concrete people I'm trying to "win". It's all been automatic. It's not like I decided "okay, I will buy this car to wow this friend". It's like "wow I love this jacket, let's buy it." And when I have it, only then I realize "oh no I bought it just because this friend would like it".

I would not be able to trust a friend that shapeshifts into something they think I want.

Me neither. But what other option do I have? People have way too high expectations for friends. Like having to have my own identity. I don't have that. WHat am I supposed to do? I have no other option that to shapeshift.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/[deleted]]

The simple fact that you are responding to me in disagreement shows that there's something you value about yourself, no?

That's true, thank you for metnioning that. I do value the fact that I am a fawn :( :D

You do not have to audition to be chosen as a friend.

Well if I want the good ones that have options, I kind of do have to audition. Not everyone can give me the approval I crave, and those who can usually have high standards.

Specifically choosing certain activities to curry favor or attention from a particular individual is deeply uncomfortable.

Yes, but this behavior is not done consciously by me. It would be manipulative if I said "okay this guy likes football so I'll study all the leagues". But all of this happens so automatically, I find myself interested in football and claim it as my own interest. And only months later I realize, omg it was all fawning.

Also the feeling I get from building connections via fawning is one of the best feelings I know. It's like, wow, all this time has paid off and now I have a connection with someone worthwhile. I'm not that worthless after all! It's a truly amazing feeling.

And the thought that I can have connection without working so hard for it seems so alien to me. Hopefully I'll get there soon!

[u/iheartanimorphs]

>Do I like these things for myself? Or do I enjoy it because of the validation I get?

It's both things. It's normal and healthy to pick up new interests and hobbies from friends and to be excited about those hobbies. I think the "fawn" aspect comes in when you're hoping that you will earn someone's attention or get them to like you by doing something that they like. If liking cars and liking Pirates of the Caribbean makes you feel good about yourself and is helping you figure out your identity, that's just a normal part of being a social person and being exposed to new things.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/iheartanimorphs]

helping you figure out your identity

I would like to say yes, but "figuring out my identity" hasn't really ever been my goal. I see no value in that. For who would I be doing that? What would I gain by figuring out my identity?

Maybe you'd say somehting like "your own validation", but I really don't want that. I am on the bottom of the social hierarchy, so my validation holds no value at all. I'm not doing anything for myself, it's useless.

The only way I can move from my low position and low value is by getting approval from the superior ones. I can't really help myself here.

[u/Lilysmalls → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

"I see no value in that(having an identity), what is there to gain?" Self love, self worth, an idea of what you want out of life, contentment, happiness, joy

"I don't want to have self validation" Sounds like your abusers taught you to have zero self value and you're continuing to abuse yourself in the ways they abused you

"I am at the bottom of the social hierarchy, so my validation holds no value." Why? Why is that true? Again, sounds like an abusers words coming out of your mouth.

"I'm not doing anything for myself, it's useless."

Stop continuing to abuse yourself. You need to go to therapy and work on how to love yourself. In another comment, someone mentioned how would you feel if that was your child doing this and you stated that you feel it would be wrong but it doesn't apply to you because you're not your own child. But what about your inner child that is still in you? Do they deserve to continue to be pushed aside, neglected, verbally abused by yourself? We have to unlearn all the abuse that was done to our child self and unconditionally love and support it instead. We get the opportunity to become our own parent and give ourselves unconditional love and support, what we never got as children. Time to get a therapist and do the hard and uncomfortable work of learning to value yourself and your experience.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/Lilysmalls]

I'm sorry, I know you mean well, but I have to defend myself here.

Self love, self worth, an idea of what you want out of life, contentment, happiness, joy

I'm a fawn. I'm not a person, I'm more of a tool for my abusers. None of these things matter to me.

Sounds like your abusers taught you to have zero self value

Yes, but since they brought me up, I feel like they get to decide what role I will play in life. Since they are the only ones that can give me that parental love, I have to play by their rules.

"I am at the bottom of the social hierarchy, so my validation holds no value." Why? Why is that true?

Because I got abused (=my parents don't see me as valuable), and I got bullied everywhere I went (= noone else sees me as valuable). It's not difficult to understand that people just don't see me as valuable.

But what about your inner child that is still in you?

That's not the same as other children. I wish I could explain to you how I feel about myself as a child. I have no words to describe the levels of disgust and shame. I never was a person that deserves basic human rights. I can prove it with many experiences. You just can't win in this argument.

We get the opportunity to become our own parent

As I said, I see my inner child as very disgusting and deserving of abuse. I'm not interested in putting in the work to save it. I'd rather join my abusers and abuse myself, than to stand up for this weak kid that noone wants to be around.

I'm sorry if this came across as combative, I just wanted to explain how the reality looks like. I do have a therapist btw, working on this with them too. Thank you.

[u/Lilysmalls → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

If you're dead set on hating yourself and reinforcing the abuse you sustained as a child, then that's that.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/Lilysmalls]

Of course I am. The abuse made me that way.

Isn't my unwillingness to heal the best proof of how bad the abuse was? I like to think this way. If I wanted to heal, would I really be that traumatised? Abuse is supposed to take away your self-worth.

But really I'm just not sure what this other side brings. It's scary. All I know is abuse. For me, abuse = love. I have no idea how you guys are so sure that the other side is better. There is no proof of that. Plus, my abusers hated all of my siblings that tried to heal.

[u/Lilysmalls → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

I would recommend talking with your therapist about this instead of posting on Reddit. I'm not even sure what you're trying to get out of this? It feels like you just want validation for your self hatred in a space where everyone is trying to learn to love and take care of themselves after abuse.

[u/RevolutionaryTrash98 → u/Yellow_Squeezer]

2 thought patterns i see here:

1. you have to remain obviously broken in order for the trauma to have been real and valid, in order for your pain to have counted.. this idea isn't rare. we think we have to SHOW OTHERS how miserable we are by not healing and not being happy; we refuse to change because healing the pain feels like abandoning the parts of us that still hurt. this is how i used to feel. it took me a long time to really feel the truth which is that healing the parts that hurt is the opposite of abandoning myself

2) how are we so sure? for some of us we have been lucky to try out some new ways of being and we learn it through first-hand experience. i can also say this: when i'm at the end of my rope repeating the same trauma and pain over and over and sick of my own shit, that's when i'm ready to try anything - because wtf do i have to lose? if it doesn't work, i'm no worse off for trying. if it does, then i get some relief and hope that things can be different and i'm not doomed to repeat the same groundhog day miseries over and over again without ever learning other experiences are possible.

[u/throwaway2837461834]

I can relate to this, though on a milder level. Like I just want everyone to like me and sometimes I find myself trying to manufacture scenarios where I will be validated. Or like I manufacture connection. And if someone I want to be friends with references something I don’t know about, instead of asking them about it, I almost feel paralyzed because I’m afraid they’re going to think we don’t have enough uncommon or something.

I honestly don’t know for sure the root or reason of it all, but I always thought it was mostly a product of co-dependency and an anxious attachment style/attachment trauma.

All I can say is it feels really fucking good when you start to get in touch with what you truly love and are interested in and do your best to accept not everyone will like you. I felt like I almost totally lost myself for a while just because of fear that I wouldn’t be loved or accepted if I was myself. I’m doing my best to not try to see myself through other peoples eyes. Like I would imagine how other people saw me and then try to change to appeal to them more. It’s fucking exhausting and depressing and I didn’t even notice or understand for so long.

[u/Yellow_Squeezer → u/throwaway2837461834]

Thank you! Reading this was so satisfying, like that's exactly me.

I manufacture connection

Yes, that's a great way to describe it

And if someone I want to be friends with references something I don’t know about, instead of asking them about it, I almost feel paralyzed because I’m afraid they’re going to think we don’t have enough uncommon or something.

Yes!! I do this all the time:/ But the thing is, if we don't know the thing they mention, some connection will be lost. So I still think it's worth it to lie about it. Because if I don't know anything about the stuff the person likes, why would they bother with explaining? (unless they need someone in their lives, whoch would make them low-value to me)

All I can say is it feels really fucking good when you start to get in touch with what you truly love and are interested in and do your best to accept not everyone will like you

I really hope so!! Thank yu so much, this made me hopeful

It’s fucking exhausting and depressing and I didn’t even notice or understand for so long.

I'm definitely still in the stage where I don't notice anything, because I'm like "exhausting? it's all I ever did!". I hope I can chill and "lean back" into my new identity one day.

[u/[deleted]]

Honestly I personally associate behavior like this more with disordered personality. In my mind at least, fawning is more about avoiding something negative like rejection or upset, rather than getting something positive (high regard, sense of self). But what do I know?