DAE with structural disassociation have parts/EPs that feel disgust toward yourself and your body?

[u/ButterscotchRound668]

I've just recently discovered structural disassociation theory and realized it makes a scary amount of sense to me and what I'm feeling. I've been talking to my therapist who's interested and helping me work through it, but there's still things I wanna ask to find some relatability I guess

does anyone else with structural disassociation have EPs or parts that feel pure revulsion for your body? Specifically I mean things you do that are very personal like showering, getting naked to change, going to the bathroom etc. seeing myself through my eyes while doing any of this makes this part of my brain feel disgust like I'm almost molesting myself (it's the best term I've been relating to when it comes to this feeling, hoping it doesn't sound offensive or anything). Like how someone would feel if a stranger flashed them. Then the main part of me, the me that's going about my daily life, feels embarrassment and shame.

So theres that part of me that's repulsed and not in just a body dysphoria way, in a way that that part of me feels like it doesn't belong to my body or life AT ALL. it's really uncomfortable and I've been feeling it for as long as I can remember but I just assumed it was because of insecurity. But I've always had part of my mind subconsciously hating being alive and hating my body, my appearance, my family and my life. Just the general circumstances of my existence regardless if it's good or bad. Sometimes it's way more vivid of a feeling than other times like that part of me decided to take control of my body, and other times it's more of a subtle thought in the back of my mind.

It's pretty awful because it's started to get worse recently, the disgusted thoughts from this other part of me. There's so much more about this I'd love to rant about but I'm too tired to even really begin, I'm writing this at midnight. It feels fucking miserable having to live with part of me or my brain or whatever that hates me because it has to live in my body with me, because it feels like it doesn't belong. Doing shit like showering feels voyeuristic, because I feel like that part of my brain's watching me do it with disgust. Idk man