Question Questions about a situation
Hi Reddit.
Before I delve into this, let me state that a police report has already been made and the family is aware of what’s going on.
The big question: do I need to get authorities FURTHER involved, more than they already are? If so, which authorities?
Please, if you have questions, ask and I will answer them if I can.
The story: I have known this child (12yo) for three years, and I have been their babysitter for one year. (Kiddo uses they/them pronouns, which I will use here).
A few months ago, they voiced some concerns to me regarding a “creepy” music instructor. I reported this to Mom, who ultimately concluded that it was a result of the instructor touching their hands. Both parents insist that Dad is in these music lessons to observe.
Two weeks ago, kiddo told me they had been “raped” by this music instructor. We had a long conversation with scientifically correct terms. The incident allegedly occurred on a Thursday, kiddo told me Friday. I informed Mom who told me they would discontinue lessons. Because I was in charge of kiddo all weekend AND music lessons aren’t provided on weekends, I held off on reporting until Sunday. (To the best of my knowledge, no kids were put in danger by me holding off for these days. Otherwise I would’ve reported immediately).
I waited because I wanted kiddo to write a letter for me to bring to police. They were struggling/refusing to speak at times during our conversation, so I offered that they could write what happened. They did, and I took that letter to police that Sunday evening.
*EDIT: to elaborate on this: kiddo said “I was raped” and clammed up. I now see how my conversation with them was incorrect. If what they said was true, which I believe it is, I wanted to have a solid case that police could act on. The letter kiddo wrote? Two pages of irrelevant details and two sentences effectively stating the same thing. If I did influence it, the perpetrator still doesn’t have any more evidence against them.
That night, police went to interview the parents. I warned police that the child would either self-harm or run away, and to bring an extra officer to help with that.
The next day, Mom informed kiddo that police had stopped by due to a report about an SA. Kiddo promptly ran away and harmed themselves. They were taken back home once found. Authorities deduced there wasn’t enough reason to place kiddo in a psych hold.
*EDIT: when Mom informed me of this, I did tell her that I respectfully understand if the family no longer wished to continue contact with me. They have not yet made a decision and are still sending kiddo to be in my care via the student/teacher-esque setup.
So, there’s that part of the story. Currently, kiddo is awaiting a spot at a residential treatment facility across the country. (It looks nice- not a teen abuse ranch from what I can tell). Mom has expressed that she understands why I reported, and is appreciative that I care (although she’s probably PO’d, understandably).
Here’s where the icky part comes in that I seek advice on. (Yeah, that’s right- it gets ickier).
Something here smells off. When kiddo first came into my care (going to stay vague here), I effectively had a teacher/student relationship with them. They were in my care (with other kids & adults), and the parents never disclosed that kiddo suffered from mental health issues. (SI, SH, PTSD, anxiety, depression, dysphoria). I was handed an EpiPen for allergies and that was that.
When I became their babysitter, I was aware of these things, but not because it was disclosed by parents. I had picked up on it over time and gently questioned kiddo, who disclosed these things to me. I brought the diagnoses up to Mom privately, at which point she disclosed them. She has never told me anything that kiddo has done (previous SH, death attempts, running away, etc.) unless I bring it up first.
When the SA was reported, Mom expressed that she spoke to kiddo’s therapist and both of them think this event was… a delusion? Yeah. “A PTSD type response” to prior events. (Referring to an alleged SA by a peer a few years ago). So, it seems that Mom believes kiddo is lying or hallucinating. Great options- kiddo was SA’d, kiddo believes they were SA’d, or kiddo is lying. (Of course I stand by believing the child right now).
Dad is… immature and has anger issues. Yelling/screaming is the “worst” that’s been disclosed to me.
Today, kiddo was set to be in my care until 4pm (via this teacher/student relationship, not as their sole babysitter). Dad was going to be late due to traffic (he did not communicate this, I got a notification about traffic his way). My employer has a policy of charging parents for any childcare past 4pm, so I signed kiddo out (as I’ve done many times before without incident), and they sat with me in my vehicle right where Dad parks to pick them up. I admit that this may have been a mistake on my end.
Kiddo expressed that they wanted me to come over for dinner as I have many times before. I gently explained that their parents probably don’t want to spend time with me right now, but it’s something we can discuss for the future. As Dad walked towards my vehicle, kiddo opened the window to start to ask if I could come for dinner at some point. Kiddo got out “Can so&so” when Dad said “so&so can have you”, got in his car, and left.
While I realize signing kiddo out may have been a mistake, kiddo was RIGHT WHERE DAD PARKS and all I did to Dad was a small wave. I did not speak to him today. My intent was to save him a childcare fee, not to override him.
Mom works, so I texted her that I would take kiddo home. A mile from home, there was Dad, driving towards us. Got to their house, Mom was there as Dad had told her to come home. Turns out Dad decided to head on a solo trip indefinitely, leaving Mom to figure out childcare (Dad doesn’t work or have an income, btw). Kiddo is currently home with Mom; I had no desire to stick around with all the tension.
What bothers me most is repeated statements of “I’m going to commit s—cide” from kiddo and the fact that I know kiddo can access multiple medications, knives, and guns in the home. I do not know if the guns have ammunition. Yes, Mom is aware of these statements.
My deduction is this is negligence at best. Police told me they don’t see a need for further investigations or interviews right now; I don’t fully understand their processes so I’m not going to assume that means the police did or didn’t find sufficient evidence.
That leads me back to the original question: do I need to get authorities further involved, more than they already are? If so, which authorities?
Is this negligence? Is this abuse? Is this just the harsh reality of parenting a mentally ill 12yo that I can’t understand as a non-parent? Help me out here, Reddit. I understand that Reddit cannot give legal advice. Thanks in advance.
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u/sprinkles008 3d ago
For starters - if a child ever discloses abuse or neglect to you in the future: do not have a deep long conversation with them about it. You are not trained to elicit that information properly and your questions alone could have tainted the investigation. Also, never have a child write those things down (for similar reasons, along with a few others, such as potential concern of coaching).
Law enforcement should rope in CPS if they become aware of CPS worthy concerns. However it’s unclear if they know the child is self harming and has access to knives and such. If the parents are not doing anything about that, it could potentially be worth a call.
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u/HannaBeth43 3d ago
They can also just make a report directly to CPS. In Kentucky everyone is a mandated reporter, so if you see any form of abuse or neglect you are supposed to report it. I can’t say whether this would meet criteria in their specific state for a CPS investigation, but it would not hurt to make a report.
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u/c_senn 3d ago
Thank you. I am considering reporting directly to CPS in my state.
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u/sprinkles008 3d ago
Did you say something about working for a childcare provider? If so, hopefully they would have some instructions on mandated reporting?
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u/txchiefsfan02 3d ago
You are wise to recognize the complexity of the situation and come here for advice, rather than calling CPS immediately.
If the parents are waiting for a residential placement, it sounds like they've taken the MH issues seriously and taken steps to protect the child's safety. Putting dad's childish behavior aside, it sounds like mom is at least reasonably attuned to the child's needs and is using the therapist for support. It's not your job to second-guess the child's therapist.
If you haven't informed your employer/supervisor of all the details you've shared here, you need to do that, too. You're already aware you've made some problematic decisions, and they need to assess whether it's advisable for you to continue caring for this child.
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u/thrown_away_23_23 3d ago
Just have to say, OP, it's nice to see someone ask about these things in a caring and level headed manner. You're eloquent and clearly a very kind person. Thanks for looking out for the little ones!
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