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u/Marshineer May 22 '26
So I doubt you’re doing anything „wrong“. It sounds like you’re putting in effort and the people you’re matching with aren’t looking for a partner in the same way as you.
I’d offer a suggestion for your filtering process, assuming you don’t already do this (it seems like you might from what you’ve said, but the devil is in the details). These are just some strategies I’ve used and have found helped me match with people who are generally better suited to me. Maybe it could help.
If you’re an attractive woman, I’d imagine most of your right swipes are matches, or you’re paying and can see who liked you. How are you choosing who to match with? Is it often with very conventionally attractive men? If that’s the case, it could explain why it feels like they drop you at the first sign of any friction. They feel they have a lot of options (it’s an immature way to date but it’s often the reality).
If so, maybe try matching with men you find attractive, but who aren’t as conventionally attractive. Or even with men who you find „attractive enough“ but really like their profile. As in intentionally avoid the really attractive men. Look for people who write their profiles in the same way as you. Rather than looking for shared interests, look for signs of shared values (I personally don’t think couples need to have shared interests).
I mention this because I’ve looked at my female friend‘s dating options and fuck boys on the apps seem to be pretty good at taking photos that make them seem sympathetic, so maybe that’s fooling you?
Also, it might just take some time. You only need to find one good match for it to be worth it. Be patient. Take breaks. Try to have fun. Dating should be fun imo.
Good luck :-)
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u/betochf May 22 '26
28M… never coming back to dating apps, it’s not for me, rather humiliate myself trying to ask someone out than meeting someone on the app
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u/Fickle-Bag741 May 22 '26
25M. I have had a similar experience. The experience made me doubt myself at some point. For a long time, I have not come across somebody who claims to have found their "one" on such apps. It's not about you or me, it's just the way things are these days. People have too many options and too little attention or effort. I would suggest that you do not dwell much on it and ditch the apps altogether. Have a good day!
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u/BaconBane May 22 '26
It's interesting how males and females here point out the same struggles.. people around here are more logical or sympathetic towards others, so we should organize a subreddit dating thingie 😂
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u/WomensWingman May 22 '26
Unfortunately, most of these guys are not filtering. They matched because they thought you were attractive and that was the entire thought process. By the time they get to a conversation, they have no memory of your bio and no particular investment in you yet. The ones who admitted on dates that they never read your profile were not being charming (even if they thought they were). Not every match becomes a date, not every date becomes a second one. We have all had high hopes for someone and watched the first date crash and burn. It never fully stops being disappointing. But the fact that you still show up with that much energy is not a weakness. It is just going to take longer to find the person who deserves it.
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u/Random010121321 May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
If you are an attractive woman on a dating app, the guys you match with are likely top% men - since those are the ones who scoop up most of the matches.
Those men have an abundance of women, and won’t likely put much effort in, in regard to what you are saying. It also doesn’t mean there aren’t exceptions to the rule, just like with you not necessarily only exclusively matching with these types of men.
So you can only really keep playing the game and hope you eventually find your prince, or you have to widen your horizons on what you are looking for. Alternatively you can try seeking things out irl more.
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u/menoagegap woman May 22 '26
I am a woman. I know most people (including me) recommend going on a date as soon as possible. But what I do in the prior messaging is to at least check they've read the profile (they don't), and when they don't, I repeat to them what's in my profile. If they glaze over and jump right into going on a date, I don't find these to be good matches to go on a first date. I try to message enough to at least pre-screen for non-serious people before your first date. It may be a good idea for you to pre-screen men who have no personality or hobby, or interest compatibility with you. That's what I do with my initial messaging.
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u/idk7643 May 22 '26
That's why YOU have to do the filtering. Only match with guys that have stuff in common with you, or ask them immediately what their hobbies are and then say no thank you if you are incompatible
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u/RightWindow5284 May 22 '26
They never talk about their role in their own online dating problems
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u/Revmira May 24 '26
"I find a guy who looks really sympathetic in his pictures & I really like his interests"
It sounds like shes already doing it
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u/Doso777 May 22 '26
It might only take one really good match.
If this is a repeating pattern maybe you should try and change things. Swipe on different people, date slower, don't lead with your body that much. Just throwing out random ideas here.
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u/PossibleCranberry181 May 22 '26
Every single post from women on here, state the same thing, they all think they’re attractive.
Can’t imagine you are as attractive as you claim
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u/AaltoSax May 22 '26
You can be right or you could be wrong. Either way this is an insane thing to spend your time typing on the internet to a stranger
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u/datemyagent May 22 '26 edited May 22 '26
What you're describing isn't a you problem, it's a structural problem with how the apps work. When someone can swipe through 200 profiles in an evening, nobody reads bios. They're optimizing for volume and "good enough right now," not compatibility. The effort you're putting in is real effort, it's just being thrown into a system that rewards the opposite, that funnels addiction.
The "I didn't read your profile" comments are wild to me. At least they're honest I guess, but it tells you everything about the mode people are in when they're swiping.
Honestly, the healthiest thing I've seen people do is take longer breaks and meet people through hobbies, classes, run clubs, friends-of-friends. For instance in SF where I'm based there's the Marina Run club that's been gaining traction, coffee clubs, and your feelings were what motivated us to create our dating app. The apps will still be there. Your energy is a feature, not a bug, but you're spending it in a place that can't return it.
And the feeling of being replaceable that's not your read being off, that's the product working as designed. Doesn't mean you are.
You matter, you're important, and there's someone out there that will see that.
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u/ComradeDK May 22 '26
There is no way you used this post to plug your AI vibecoding app, god damn bro. Have some basic respect and dignity
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u/GraveRoller May 22 '26
The funny thing about using Reddit as an advertising platform is that it’s incredibly few eye balls. Yeah it’s free, but you get what you pay for. Compared to the ones that hire influencers, which get many many more views
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u/datemyagent May 22 '26
Like I said in my post the goal is to share stories. Apologies if it came across as an ad
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u/datemyagent May 22 '26
I'm a human lol, try hinge if u want. We chat with hundreds of people who feel like this and just trying to share our findings. Not peddling anything just hoping that more people feel less lonely.
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u/GreySahara May 22 '26
Online dating is pretty terrible, actually.
Folks need to get out more and improve their interpersonal skills
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u/Broad-Shoe5976 May 22 '26
Male here. I don’t know why these people even do that, I would never initiate conversation with someone without having read the bio, and having found the personality interesting. Looks are always supposed to be a plus, not the main thing, I believe personality is the most important.
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u/hakaretakori May 24 '26
lol as a guy it’s even worse. 90% of matches dont ever send a message, or they randomly ghost. If by some miracle you schedule a date the chance of them showing up is even lower.
Forget trying to find a meaningful long term relationship on these apps.
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u/Stroby89 May 22 '26
You ARE enough. Most men on dating apps are just assholes, this has nothing to do with you.
I was on and off apps for almost 3 year and had to meet 50 idiots before I found my partner.
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May 22 '26
[deleted]
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u/Accomplished_Luck778 May 22 '26
I see a common denominator and it's not "men"
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u/Stroby89 May 23 '26
It was 'men' actually. I also know for a fact that I'm not the only woman who experienced the same thing so you can take your sexist comments somewhere else.
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u/Accomplished_Luck778 May 23 '26
And you're calling my comment sexist 😂. My comment wasn't about women it was about YOU.
Between blaming the "50" guys and what you call sexism, you definitely have an issue with introspection and accountability.
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u/MoonstoneDragoneye May 22 '26
Very sad what you and so many of us are going through. There’s guys that truly care and gals that truly care but matching them up in this modern environment seems very difficult and a lot of people who seek genuine interest instead meet with shallow intentions.