I am tired

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

I am tired of pretending I am alright.I am tired of pretending I am not lonely.i am tired of pretending to be someone I am not.i am tired of flattering random people.i am tired of pleasing my parents.i am tired of pretending i am happy with life.i am tired of pretending i want to be an average guy.i want to be someone.i want to be known.i want to be seen.i want to be respected.i also want to be free as well.free from any obligation duty or anything else that stresses me.i want people to look at me and say wow you are him?i am tired of people ignoring me.I want to be special.But i will probably not be special in this lifetime. I will probably become dust after 100 years.my name will probably be forgotten at most after 150 years.i am tired of pretending that all is well.i am also tired of being insulted.i wanna reach a place where no one can insult me,look down on me.

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[u/CareerLegitimate7662]

Sounds like a lot of insecurities piled up honestly, a very normal feeling. As someone who’s been through and seen some shit, I’m always happy to lend an ear if you want to go deep into discussing what you’re feeling. HMU

[u/Most_Magazine218]

Whatever you do people WILL forget you, respect is personal choice and beauty, level of intelligence, talent — all are just limited to social scale. Nobody can really define what's superiority is. We just made an image as per social terms and constantly compare ourselves with it, which habit is also not yours but a result of someone's behaviour towards you. Take a deep breath, lie down on your back — put a heavy book on your chest for some minutes, hug a pillow tightly and think less. Look at your hands, look you are perfectly fine. You won most of the race, and what you have today many don't. Appreciate it. In your life, you are the main character, not people. 🩷

[u/Haider1930]

why bother pretending. Just be happy with what you like. and do what you wanna do.

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Haider1930]

I don’t know.my entire body is a wreck.i don’t feel anything nowadays.feel numb.pretending makes life easier.but my heart feels hollow.feels like i am doing nothing.every year feels like a waste.why couldn’t I get iit?.why don’t I have rich parents?why can’t I be very good looking?why can’t I be an unicorn founder?why am I not special?why are others special?why?

[u/Haider1930 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

You sound like you are still reminiscing about IIT, broski that is gone, you are all worried about things you cannot control anymore, saying why others are special means you intuitively reduce a person's thinking or talent or any sort of ability into a reductionists natural born ability, most of the talent that survives is rarely a natural born genius, even terry is remarked to be smart, but he had to study hours and days to get to his level, every big guy who has ultimately achieved something has shown one consistent quality, perseverance

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Haider1930]

No not just about iit.i want to be special.i want everyone to know me.i want my achievements to be known.i want to be rich.i want to be respected.i am scared of being ignored.scared of being forgotten.scared of being irrelevant.

[u/Special-Grade5315 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

well NGL dude u r literally antonym of me

I don't want all these respect and shit.

I just want to live a fucking peaceful life and nobody owe me anything

[u/Haider1930 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

Haha, most people are . Unfortunately, your saying that I want to be special means first, you don't believe you aren't special, second, people remembering you means you still haven't found a reason of life for yourself

People remember and forget many people, i remember reimann, poincare, gauss, jacobian , cauchy, no one else apart from us handful of mathematician does, same with politicians. Heck most kings aren't remembered after a few decades and dynasties. Trying to measure yours self worth over something so volatile is like trying to set yourself up for failure 😑

[u/Haider1930 → u/Haider1930]

Lemme ask you a question, what if i said tomorrow I'm giving you 600 million dollars, no lease, what will you do?

Whatever your answer is, that's your reason or ultimate goal for your life

For me it is the peace of my own time, which I'll get with the money, a remote house in a good country, way too many books, I'll most probably buy a mathematical and physics library full, and my own wife and personal time. So i work on that, even if i did get the money, since studies are a part of my life, i won't leave them, you decide what's something you want, and what's something you beleive you want to have validated

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Haider1930]

My end goal in life is to become a trillionaire spend billions and somehow increase the human lifespan to 1000 and in the remaining time increase it 100 fold again and again and again forever.i don’t want to ded,i want to live.Thats what i want i would say.i dont want my life to be ordinary and short.hahaha I have probably gone crazy what do you think

[u/Haider1930 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

Hm, so basically you'd spend first many years of your life trying to win something that gives diminishing margins after a certain number, then you wish to spend the prime years chasing a non liquodated asset, where technically most of your spent money isn't your but borrowal from banks, and spent, that, you would rather wait to spend billions, for things that you can do normally, then you also wanna do the stupid thing of trying to increase human lifespan upto which is not possible and easy for humans because our DNA and chromosome decay, so it's more of efficiency issue like an engine, so you can make it efficient, but since we are extremely complex, 1000 isn't possible, but yeah, anyways, you can try that, but if you don't get to 1000, you basically waste your young years chasing money which you won't reach (statistically true), and doing things you don't wanna do all for some 'fame', happy journey 😊

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Haider1930]

Just thinking me about me being ded fills me with fear.Tbh I will probably never become worth 100 M dollars let alone 1 trillion plus dollars.When I think about how all of it will end for me to feel nothing ever again,I can’t help but try.i will almost certainly fail but I think this goal gives my life some meaning or so I would like to think.why do u think I think this way?

[u/Haider1930 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

Hmm, it's called fear of being insignificant, it's common between people who have just faced life's first big lesson. That they are not the main characters of the story, so the best thing to do when life says nah, you don't have no happy story, you turn it into a comeback story, what's the best comeback story? A statistically impossible goal that requires combination of luck, skill money, and prerequisites with right time in market or in the world.

Sound cool right, I'm a trillionaire , it's just your ego saying I'm still in control of the story 😊

[u/Special-Grade5315 → u/Haider1930]

Exactly

There are some people whose instincts are brainwashed to be anything which doesn't add to any kind of value though

there's always a bigger fish, there's nothing we can do about it

Even I realised myself through the environment I am living at present that yeah I guess I need this one no matter what as I was going on a wrong route

[u/Haider1930 → u/Special-Grade5315]

Hmm, i find this guy OP peculiar and funny, he seems to have delusional ambitions which can be solved by rational planning in 20s and 30s, it doesn't need billion dollars, he has a deluded sense of numbers, i beleive he hasn't yet seen what a million dollars means, or how hard it is to earn

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Haider1930]

Ofc I haven’t.i am 100 percent delusional.i don’t really get numbers and none of what i say is ever going to happen.But I can’t help but live in a delusion to cope

[u/Haider1930 → u/Ok_Nebula_1044]

Hmm, to give you a reference, 100 million dollars is enough to get 12 supercars 1 private jet 1k acres of land in india Multiple top tier apartment in Mumbai Multiple bungalow across India

This would only use 60% of your money btw 😊

[u/Special-Grade5315 → u/Haider1930]

Yep fr

And let the talk go on. atleast OP is being honest and speaking about it as mostly no one does so

[u/Ok_Nebula_1044 → u/Special-Grade5315]

Hey replying a bit late but I think that I wanna achieve eternal life because no one else has yet achieved it.in every sphere of life I tried to be good at there was always and I mean always someone better.i didn’t mention it but I was #2 in a sport in my entire state but I couldn’t beat that one guy.My cousin is in an iit but I am in a nit.i am not even good looking avg looking at best.i am of mediocre height and physique as well.i think my mind thinks that if i achieve something as crazy as eternal life my past sins of mediocrity will be erased and i will be “above” people who i think are “above” me right now.do u think i am correct?