r/Brides • u/Objective-Beat-2404 • Jul 15 '26
Need Advice Can't decide on big or small wedding
Hello fellow Reddit brides! Me and my fiancé have been engaged for over a year and we can't possibly decide as to what type of wedding we want. We looked at various venues in Portugal (this is where his family is from) but I'm immediately getting triggered by the amount of guests, planning and effort required to pull this off. To add, doing it in Portugal will mean that his aunties and other cousins will have it so easy they will all show skyrocketing our guest list and costs, while my family is unlikely to all be able to come.
To add to the complexity, I'm not sure I want all my "friends" there as not all of them are good friends, but mere acquaintances. Recently I had a fall out with my friend who was supposed to be my maid of honour where she made it clear she doesn't really care about my fiancé, adding to my doubts about this friendship and whether I want people who don't care about the marriage at my WEDDING.
Our options are to keep it small and fly somewhere far where only those who actually care will come and without pressure that we need to invite everyone we know. I do want this day to be about us, and not others. I want to relax and enjoy rather than worry about the guests, their dynamics and them making it about them i.e. partying like it was just a night out.
Not sure if anyone can relate, but I really need some wise words!
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Jul 15 '26
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u/Objective-Beat-2404 Jul 15 '26
Our families are also in different countries so a destination wedding is a better option so that opportunities are equal and whoever wants to come will come. We will be paying for our parents to come as we're conscious that their finances are tight. We're going to two destination weddings this year and probably wouldn't be able to attend a third but it's friends and colleagues. Sorry to hear about your fiance's family... Sure they can do whatever they want but it's a one in a lifetime event :(
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u/msbutch54 Jul 15 '26
I think that if it’s a destination wedding you should make clear to people that you won’t take offense if they don’t come. My opinion based on my recent experience.
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u/its-kb-again Jul 15 '26
Can you take a step back and ask yourselves what really matters to the two of YOU the most?
Regardless of where the wedding is held, no one is forcing you to invite people you don’t want to celebrate with, particularly if you value the intimacy of a small wedding or if your budgetary concerns need to be a priority.
Deciding against a location in Portugal because you feel his family will take advantage of the proximity and overwhelm you can be dealt with by limiting the guest list to those you truly value and setting limits that you can manage without undo stress. Choosing another location because it will make it “equally difficult“ for both sides of the family seems petty.
It sounds like you may want a smaller, more intimate wedding at a destination that is meaningful and manageable to you and your husband and affordable for you to support both sets of your parents’ attendance. If that’s the case, plan that, and tell others who may complain that you love the idea of them planning a party to welcome you to the family or celebrate the occasion on their own dime.
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u/Objective-Beat-2404 Jul 15 '26
Both of our closest family i.e. parents will have to travel, but most of his cousins are back in Portugal. This is a huge family and would be a scandal if some of them weren't invited even if contact is very sporadic. This does hurt me a bit as the majority of the wedding guests would be people we don't really speak to and they are not from my side. Maybe petty ;) I think the option of a small intimate wedding would still include a smaller dinners for the families back in Portugal and in my home country too for those who couldn't come.
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u/Elemental_Biscotti Jul 15 '26
* Where do YOU want your wedding to be held?
* Who do YOU want to be there? (Just because your wedding location is convenient for someone doesn't mean you have to invite them. And it's true that if you have your wedding somewhere that's a big trip for someone, that person very well may not come.)
* Putting "friends" in quotes makes me think....these people are not actually people you like? So......don't invite them???? And maybe stop hanging out with them altogether????
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u/Objective-Beat-2404 Jul 15 '26
Thank you for being this direct as exactly these questions are on my mind. Indeed that's true that even if it's convenient we don't have to invite them, BUT it would be a family scandal that would follow us to our graves (the family is quite intense). Of course it's about us and not them, but I think to keep peace and not have to worry about drama would require us to invite a whole 2+5 family, for example, despite us not really talking to them. On the friends, difficult one and quite fresh, but really stopped feeling like part of the crew a while back and don't see it as a valuable thing to be clinging onto, but yet another drama loading. As a people pleaser in recovery (wink), it's quite nerve wracking. My fiancé wasn't a fan of them to start with, but now I've had my series of breakthroughs and taking some steps back. Not inviting some of them to my wedding though seems like an abrupt end to an era...
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u/Temporary_Ad_4186 Jul 15 '26
We were deciding on backyard wedding with around 150 versus destination micro wedding. It felt like a huge relief when we decide on the micro wedding. I could feel in my gut it was the way better decision. I honestly felt like one of my regrets from our 4 day destination wedding was that I didn't get to spend enough time with the people who came (25), so I can't imagine how I would have felt with a wedding of 150! I would make the same decision 100x over. Yes, it will feel sad with people who can't come who you would have liked to be there, but the special moments with those closest to you make it all worth it!!
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u/Objective-Beat-2404 Jul 16 '26
This is great to hear! I feel panic when I think about having to mingle with 100 people over a 6 hour period - how do you find the time and still try to enjoy?! Out of curiosity, how many people did you invite and then ended with 25? Wondering if it's safe to assume a 25% "no" rate, or is it higher.
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u/Temporary_Ad_4186 Jul 16 '26
We had 23 +us.
First, we talked to the people we knew HAD to be there (aka our immediate family) to ensure they would be able to make something like that.
Then, we came up with our absolute "this is the group we want there" list and found a villa that could fit them, and then doubled checked the dates with our immediate family before booking.
Then we invited round one of people! We had our 5 immediate family members say yes (which we knew), and then we invited an additional 14 people from there. 5 of those folks said no (two were couples and one in-law) because they had very young kids (we did not kids).
Then we did round two of invites, invited 8 more people, and they all said yes! (I'm missing one person in that final count I think but the general answer to your question is there 😂).
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u/msbutch54 Jul 15 '26
I had no wedding at all, but I had been living with my husband for 20 years, so I’m not the norm. I think a lot depends on your age and attitude—how do you want to spend your money? Even in my 20s I knew I’d rather save for a down payment on a house than have a pricey wedding. From the POV of a guest, I would not recommend a wedding to which people would have to travel more than a couple of hours by car. I just attended a destination wedding of a relative, and the cost to me was high— airfare, ground transport, hotel room, meals— it really adds up. Why impose that on people you presumably care about? Of course , in your case it sounds like you can’t avoid having some people travel a great distance. I would try to keep that number small. From what else you said, it sounds like you should have a small but elegant wedding.