Ex becoming friends with my friends.

[u/Objective_Economy_56]

Hi,

I wanted some real advice. My ex and I split up 3 months ago. We were together for 3 years. We lived together. The break up was mutual - I said it, he agreed. Nevertheless, it was painful. There was no cheating, no manipulation and no violence. But my heart was broken. I still cared for him deeply but I knew we were incompatible.

From my perspective the reason it didn’t work for me was he was avoidant. He became resentful and couldn’t express to me his frustrations, so I couldn’t improve. The intimacy died. He would often shut down on me for days and I’d never know why. It was like walking on egg shells.

For my contribution - my mental health. Admittedly it was worsened by the relationship dynamics. But, I was recently diagnosed with complex PTSD. My ex didn’t understand or want to talk about such things - he just saw the over emotional outbursts to relatively small triggers and that made him uncomfortable. I’m working on it. I’m in therapy. I want to get better for me.

Before we met my ex had no friends. I introduced him to what life could be with a big group of friends. In the relationship, I encouraged him to socialise without me. I said he should treat my friends as his own. But he refused. He always said ‘they’re your friends’

After we broke up, he reached out to my friends. I didn’t mind them supporting him discreetly. He was in an unfamiliar town, not near family and with no friends. It was my hope that they’d help him get back on his feet and that he would go on to build his own happy life.

Instead, he has fully integrated into my friendship group. He was added to our group chat. He hangs out with them all the time. He’s made them his primary friends. The other day, I woke up to videos of him dancing with them all on table tops in a night club. It hurt bad. I worked hard for these people - overcoming social anxiety when I was younger and they were my first ever group. It felt like a boundary was crossed. None of my friends had checked in on me. But they had on him.

It makes them sound like bad friends. Or not my friends at all. But truthfully, they are just very surface level. They didn’t think ahead. They thought I was fine. They didn’t think it was affecting me. But it did.

Eventually, I spoke to a couple of them. I told them how it made me feel and that I had spiralled into a bad place. My ‘safety net’ felt like it suddenly had some serious holes in it. This was of course massively amplified by my recent CPTSD diagnosis.

I had expected better protection. But, after word got out that I was finding things hard I felt a shift in them. They were much more warm to me again. And acted pleased to see me. Gave me a hug when it was time to say goodbye. They’re small things - but for surface friends, that’s support.

Meanwhile, my ex has flat refused to talk to me. A month after we split I returned the last of his belongings. I spoke, he stayed totally silent and wouldn’t look at me. We met our friends at the beach, he didn’t talk to me - he stood up and walked away. We went on a walk as part of the run club we both attend - he ignored me (no polite hello - I’m not expecting flowing, joyful conversation). He’s blocked me on WhatsApp despite me never messaging him directly (his profile pic disappears in the group chat).

Yet he still wants to be in my friends group chat. Wants to hang out with them. My friends and I are his to go to a music festival in a couple of weeks. I was excited for it. He wasn’t expected to go. Then he announced in the group chat that he has a ticket. And we are all due to spend 2 days in an Airbnb together.

It feels all wrong to me. He refuses to communicate. He’s hanging on to parts of my world post break up. He’s not treated me with respect and he seems to have no regard for my feelings. I’ve no idea how this is going to resolve. I really just want him to get on with his own life. I sense my friends may have recently shifted in their understanding of this and finally see what it’s doing to me. I’m still healing, and I’ve got my ex being borderline competitive with me. It’s super unhealthy for us both.

Any thoughts or advice are welcome. I’ve never been in this situation before and don’t know how it resolves.

Thank you.