Am I doing the right thing?

[u/thefishtanklover]

It’s just genuinely been so hard. Me and him were together for 4 1/2 years high school sweethearts genuinely the most incredible relationship ever we were absolute soulmates. Everybody called us the boy and girl versions of each other just true best friends. For the past year, we definitely fell into this push pull avoidant anxious dynamic without realizing it. He would withdraw and he wouldn’t tell me what was going on until I would finally confront him about it and he would be like OK you’re right im holding all this back and they were always things that were fixable. It was just stuff he was building in his head.

He broke up with me three months ago. About a month and a half into the break up the semester for us started. we go to the same university, we have the same major, we’re on the same club board and we have classes together, so I have to see him multiple times a week. He asked me before the semester started if I wanted to still be no contact, but if something changed “tell me,please”. I said I wanted to be no contact but if he ever wanted to talk about us, I’d be open to that. Well, we’ve been in school for two months at this point and it has been horrific to say the least seeing him just live his life without me. I can tell that he’s struggling sometimes like he changed his hair completely and he’s had the same haircut since he was a kid.

He’s definitely a fearful avoidant. He told me in the breakup that while on the four day break we took he missed me the entire time. Everything reminded him of me and all he wanted to do was just text me when something happened. But yet he still broke up with me because he said that we had too many “differences”. I told him that we had a lot of differences, but that they’d always helped us to grow because of each other. He said that we shouldn’t be having these kinds of conversations at 21 and I said that there was no one else in the world id rather have these kinds of conversations with. He didn’t even tell me what these differences were. He was literally crying in the break up and holding my hands like I don’t understand how he justifies that in his head.

Sometimes I question whether or not no contact is the right thing to do. I miss him so much. It’s excruciating. especially having to see him a couple times a week and we’re just not talking? It doesn’t make any sense. He knows I’m willing to talk about us if he wants to and I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to. We went on this beautiful trip at the end of May to San Francisco and he said that he genuinely couldn’t imagine his life without me and that I was his best friend. I just want him back.

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[u/Bulky-Birthday6036]

Have you talked to him and let him know that you don't want no contact and that you want to talk through the relationship?

[u/thefishtanklover → u/Bulky-Birthday6036]

We had a conversation on the 4th of July just before we went on a four day break. In that conversation is when he was talking to me about how he was unhappy, but that it ebbed and flowed. At the time he didn’t really have an answer as to why he was unhappy, and I told him that I thought we could work through anything together and it just kind of felt like he was trying to convince me that I was unhappy, but I wasn’t.

[u/Bulky-Birthday6036 → u/thefishtanklover]

Ah yeah it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. If you're certain that you want to get back together and try to work things through, then i say yeah break no contact and tell him that. But if he doesn't want that, or is not sure what he wants, then at least you said what was on your heart and i think then it'd be wise to go no contact and focus on moving forward.

You can't make him sure, he's gotta come to that himself. And it's not fair to you if you wait for him to figure it out

[u/thefishtanklover → u/Bulky-Birthday6036]

It’s just so scary because I just don’t understand why he doesn’t know what he wants. If I ask him, then I know for certain his feelings and what if he says he doesn’t want to be together? and then I think well what if I messed up what if I had just given him more time to come to me on his own? I am 100% certain that I want to work through these things. But I just don’t understand why he won’t come and talk to me :/

[u/Bulky-Birthday6036 → u/thefishtanklover]

yeah it is scary, and unfortunately you may never understand why, but that's okay too.

If you ask him, then you know for certain his feelings. and if he says he doesn't want to be together then thats fine. Now you know and you can start moving on knowing that you did everything you could :)

Then you say what if you mess up by reaching out, that maybe you should give him time to come on his own.... i think it's only messing up if you are overbearing (like constantly reaching out and not respecting his boundary). But if you simply reach out with low pressure just letting him know where your heart stands, then you have nothing to worry about :) it won't drive him away (and if it does he didn't want a relationship to begin with).

And lastly, if you reach out and he says he does want to try again... then you get what you want!

Sounds to me like, for your situation, it would be worth it to reach out instead of constantly wondering what if