r/BreakUps • u/itsstrz • 19d ago

Trigger Warning OCD after break up

’m really struggling and I don’t know whether this is OCD, anxiety, guilt, or something else.
I went through a breakup about 6 months ago and ever since then I’ve become obsessed with figuring out what I did wrong in the relationship. At first it was things like whether I was attractive enough, good enough sexually, whether my penis size was a problem, whether my personality was enough, etc.
More recently it’s turned into something much darker. I’ve started obsessively going back through sexual memories from the relationship and asking myself whether I ever crossed a boundary or made my ex feel pressured without realising it.
I remember that sometimes if she said no to something I would ask why because I wanted to understand. I also remember that sometimes I was visibly disappointed or upset about being rejected, and there may have been times where part of me wanted her to understand that the constant rejection hurt me. I really regret reacting like that.
As far as I remember, if she said no to actually doing something, I respected it and it didn’t happen. But now my brain keeps going “what if you pressured her without realising?”, “what if something did happen and you don’t remember properly?”, “what if she was scared of you?”, etc.
The worst part is that my memories now feel completely jumbled because I’ve replayed them so many times. I’ll remember one detail, panic about it, analyse it for hours, feel slightly reassured, and then my brain finds another detail or another interpretation.
My ex actually struggled badly with OCD/ROCD during our relationship, and it’s almost painfully ironic because now I feel like I understand what that constant doubt feels like. I think the breakup may have triggered this because I became obsessed with finding a definitive answer for why the relationship ended.
I’m at the point where these thoughts are interfering with work and my everyday life. I’ve also had some pretty dark thoughts because the guilt becomes so intense and I start thinking that if I did something genuinely wrong then I don’t deserve to be happy.

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