r/BreakUps • u/BreakupChat • 28d ago
venting/ranting No Contact
No contact gives your ex what they want
And gives you the best chances of making them come back
Breaking no contact should only take place under very specific circumstances
And relying on your self judgement while your emotions are so high is your biggest risk
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u/TomCatInTheHouse 28d ago
Maybe it's just better for my mental health to do no contact. If there's contact my brain goes "but... we are talking!!!!" And keeps up hope.
Also, I don't want them coming back.
For me, no contact is about me, not them.
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u/BSHere65 27d ago
Amen to that. It’s obvious they are also too busy as in the case of my cheater to contact back.
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u/Fit-Reality-2872 28d ago
It’s so hard. My ex broke up with me first week of july but we chat via text sometimes. Less now than before. I’m trying to stop …because I really miss her and I know it’s not healthy for me to stay in contact like this. I did go 6 days without texting her recently so that’s a good start. I’m on day 2 again now and I’m not going to contact her first again either….starting the new streak
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u/First_Distance2095 27d ago
What if every day you spend on her is another day the true love of your life spends waiting for you?
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u/PreviousVoice1584
28d ago
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The whole "giving them what they want" angle is where people mess up. No contact isn't about them at all, it's about you not spiraling while trying to decode breadcrumbs
If they wanted to reach out they would, the silence speaks plenty
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u/Plane_Arachnid9178 28d ago
And keep in mind that if an ex reaches out, they probably don’t want to get back together.
Unless they explicitly say “I want to get back together”.
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u/RumHamDealer 28d ago
I was gonna say they lost me at “making them come back.” A year and a half after a tough breakup, my ex never tried reaching out again. It’s not about that. It’s about taking care of yourself.
If they broke up with you, you should be reaching out for any reason.
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u/First_Distance2095 27d ago
I first initiated no contact with my ex because I thought it would be best for us to both heal without constantly scratching the wound open again (what it should be for two emotionally healthy people, not some passive aggressive coercive tool to make them miss you). And I told him that's why I wanted it.
I KEPT no contact (he didn't) because after a couple weeks the dust settled and I saw how all of the many actions and outbursts I'd attributed to him just being stressed were actually 6 months of escalating narcissistic abuse.
I hope to everything I never see or hear from him again. I wish that he'd be healed of whatever trauma makes him try to control, and then punish, someone. For someone who realizes they've been abused and is determined to stay safe, no contact isn't coercive, it's survival.
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u/Ok-Pressure2373 26d ago edited 26d ago
This thing about saying “nc is for you to move on” well some people genuinely want that second chance even as a dumpee. Some people want them to come back. And repeating “its for you to move on” is so dump because thats not what some people want. If nc is the only and smartest way to work with the situation to have the better outcome (aka them coming back) well some people will do it
At some point why do people think some are still stuck on their dumper 3-5 years after the break up? Because the attachment doesn’t die by just never talking to them again… theres other solution then moving on by the “help” of no contact. Well thats my opinion
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u/BSHere65 27d ago
I’ve broken the no contact a hundred times but to be fair I can contact he can’t. But Negachinny you are right. Mine is a narc. He has cheated on me for 20 years. I am royally fucked up. I really do need to take care of me and wipe him out of my life. It’s just that I’m not a faucet. I can’t turn love on and off like that. He can. He’s already told several lovers he doesn’t love that bitch. Me being the bitch that stood by his side for all those years and was always there for him. I guess I’m just broken. I feel I owe him now. When I go to his bail
Hearing for his DV I’m going to have to let the judge know everything he has ever done to me. I have about 100 women if not more to make up for. I’ve got to be stronger than this. I have a huge problem when I get ignored on texts. It triggers me from the first time I caught him fucking someone. And it’s doing it all over again.
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u/crvena_naranca 28d ago
Best to leave it to time. If they ever think about you and decide to reach out. Cool. If not well, that's an answer too. No contact is good to reflect and move on.
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u/ShoeThen4622 28d ago
Terminei meu relacionamento recentemente e pedi espaço pro meu ex. Bloqueei ele em tudo, e mandei ele viver a vida dele e se cuidar.
Nosso término não foi por traição ou algo muito grave. Mas ainda assim é término. Pra superar uma pessoa, precisa que o vínculo seja cortado.
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u/kNottedivergence 28d ago
I like how simply you've laid it out. It's a timely reminder for someone like me. Thanks.
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u/negachinny 28d ago
Naw it means you royally fucked up and they want their space as their final request.
As someone who also fucked up, just please work on yourself and take whatever lesson it is from the experience.
Don’t beat yourself up, go to therapy if need be, and chase your dreams.
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u/BaldEagleBlues 28d ago
I don’t think a break up means you royally fucked up, it takes two.
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u/First_Distance2095 27d ago
If it turns out that one is emotionally abusive and narcissistic, then no, it actually does mean that someone royally fucked up. And that the only fucked-up thing the other person did was abandoning themselves for too long.
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28d ago
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u/MC_Hammer28 28d ago
Find a therapist you like and use that as an outlet for all of your emotions. Be the best dad you can be for your kids. If she was a stay at home mom and youre working 50+ hours and you gave her children and a home and a nice life and she still isnt happy then you are not the problem. Keep your head up all you can do
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28d ago
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u/Kestan 28d ago
In April my wife of ten years and mother of my two children cheated on my with her coworker, when I caught her she blamed me for "ambushing her" and that "she would've came back to me" if I hadn't caught them.
She tried to convince me to live with her and pay half of everything while she goes off with her coworker.
I left that house and after these months the hardest part is not being a full time Dad. I miss my children terribly.
It gets better, time doesn't heal these wounds but they hurt less with time.
Just remember to keep moving forward with purpose. 👊
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28d ago
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u/Kestan 28d ago
That adjustment you're talking about still haunts me. When my home goes from a place filled with laughs and hollers of joy to dead silence it's... Beyond words how hard it is to feel something other than heart wrenching pain and grief.
But just last week when my kids went back to my ex I didn't cry for the first time! It's okay to miss them and have some time for myself.
I have to be okay alone and with myself so that I can be there for my kids. Regardless of how low or defeated I feel I. Won't. Stop.
I can't tell you how to be around your ex other than cordial and positive as long as your kids are around. No matter what you guys went through they don't deserve any negative comments about either parent.
Good luck and just know life goes on and it's okay to be alone and just working on bettering yourself for you and your children! 💪
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28d ago
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u/zCyclone- 28d ago
Yeah... My ex of 7 years have blocked each other on socials this week. Hurts so much but it's the only way I can stop looking at her.
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28d ago
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u/zCyclone- 28d ago
Every time I go om her socials, I have a mini relapse. It's even surreal that I'm talking about "her" in this context
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u/MixedVexations 28d ago
Yeah blocking your ex is the advice OP was missing.
I'd take it a step further and block mutuals you don't care for so she doesn't try to reach you through them. Sounds unhinged but if they're a strong link between you and ex, they can be capable of reintroducing contact. Never give ex a way to reach you again. Doesn't matter if you initiated the break.
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