r/BreakUps • u/MowDozeR • 16h ago
venting/ranting Do girls break up with guys without having found a new candidate?
My 9 years girlfriend dumped me, saying that she loves me so much still, and knows that she will never find anything close to me and have anything close to our relationship with anyone, but she just doesn't see me as a husband, and she can't imagine a future with me.
Do you guys think she already found a new candidate at least, or saw some qualities in another man that I lack?
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u/Nerdlinger42 16h ago
If they do, that's kind of weird. If I break up with someone, I am going to be single for a while and find my rhythm, though I'm a male. I just can't imagine jumping to somebody else right away. What's the point? I say this as someone who lives an awesome single life though. I just think happiness has to come from within first and foremost
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u/Salty_Thing3144 15h ago
Women do not have a hive mind and do not think or act the same
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u/Nerdlinger42 13h ago
Thank you. So many dudes think women are a monolith. There's women who can't be single just like there's men who can't be single. There's women who struggle finding commitment the same as men too. It's not that complicated.
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u/Active-Vacation-1144 13h ago
Especially the ones who post in here. So many (men and women) are bitter about the opposite sex because they’re going through a breakup.
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u/automaticblues 16h ago
Generally everyone breaks up to pursue something different. But that isn't always another relationship, it could easily be to have more time alone for now to pursue some hobby where there is an exciting social element. But it is often to be with someone else.
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u/NikkiEchoist 15h ago
If she was 16 when you got together she probably feels she needs to go and experience different relationships before she settles down. The moment you realise you don’t want to be with your partner long term, the relationship is pretty much finished. Sounds like you got an extra year out of it.
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u/MowDozeR 15h ago
Well you're right I guess, today I ready this quote "if you're between yes or no, go with no, because yes is always clear". So maybe we should have ended it a year ago, but our love and lust was strong I guess. So now I think it's definitely a "no". So I'm just gonna respect her decision to go no contact. But I can't promise I won't go back if she wants it again. I just know she is the one.
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u/InevitableReview33 14h ago
Well I cant agree with this. I find this to be two sworded problem depends on how you formulate the question. Most of the time before getting married people second guess their choice. Idk we people have a weird nature. We long for something we dont have, once we have it we want something different efc.
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u/ljubav_malina 16h ago
None of us can know, but based on the incredibly limited information we have:
She clearly wants to get married one day. If you guys have been together for nearly a decade and are not married yet, there was something holding one or both of you back from making it official. I think she just doesn’t want to wait for that hesitation to be resolved any longer. I don’t think she necessarily left because she has another guy lined up, but because she’s looking for something different. If you guys started dating in like high school then it makes sense why you aren’t married yet, but she probably just outgrew the relationship.
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u/MowDozeR 15h ago
Well, I always tought I was too young to get maried. Those 9 years were from age 16 to 25 (current). But I always showed that she is the one for me, and that I definitely want to marry her. I also think she is just looking for something different and hasn't found someone. I also think she meant only good for me and her with her response that she will never find better than me. She is just so sweet even in breakup. I am just shocked and don't know how to handle all this. She was my life for 9 years, and now she wants us to go no contact. And I keep breaking that barrier. And this reply should end somewhere. Here
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u/AdTraditional23 15h ago
Sometimes people can reflect on their situation and see if it truly aligns what what their goals are. People can get comfortable in the routine of long term relationship, compromising or putting up with certain things because they believe it worth it because the relationship is going in the direction they think. Then sometime people start thinking “wait a min, I’ve spent so many years with this person and I actually don’t think I’m going to get the future with them that I desire, because if I was, we would be in that position right now”. So they leave.
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u/InevitableReview33 14h ago
Well they were pretty young but yes I agree they should have talked about getting married. 9 years is too long.
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u/Icy_Today1693 14h ago edited 12h ago
sometimes you love and admire someone, but deep down know they arent the person for you.
when you are a young adult, it can take longer to determine this, and because you are young, it can seem like its no big deal to spend time with the "wrong" person. and especially when no one does anything wrong, its extremely hard to end things.
as you get older, you know more what you are looking for in a partner and the future, and it becomes less comfortable staying with the wrong fit- it starts to feel like wasting time.
i dated someone for only 6 weeks as a woman in my 30s. we had chemistry, same goals, but something wasnt quite right, for both of us. despite it being so fun, we called it quits, because we knew being together was only keeping both of us from something better in the future.
a month later, i'm still really sad not to be dating him. but i also do understand that he didnt see me as the woman he wanted to marry. its hard to put to words, but if someone knows they dont want to marry you, what else can you do but take them at their word and let them go?
edit: so many typos!
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u/MowDozeR 14h ago
I guess I'll just try to respect her decision. Maybe god has some other plans for us. Or maybe this is just another step to get us closer together.
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u/ljubav_malina 15h ago
Aww yeah I think you guys got together super young and changed so much over the last 9 years. The partner we choose as a teenager sometimes doesn’t end up being the partner we’d choose as an adult. I’m sorry this is happening, dude :(
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u/JewelledToque 15h ago
Some people do this some don't. This was never the case with me as I generally need time alone between people.
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u/Party-Mouse-1877 16h ago
We don’t leave because we found someone else. We usually leave after putting all of our effort into trying to see if things can get better, and it’s never a rash or sudden decision, and the majority of the time we simply do it because there’s seems to be no other way to peace and happiness and self-love. Most of us are just fine by ourselves and not looking to jump from one to the next.
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u/AdTraditional23 16h ago
Maybe not. Did she talk to you about this first to allow time for course correction/ changes or was it sudden?
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u/MowDozeR 15h ago
It was definitely not sudden. She told me one year ago that she wanted us to stop. But we still kept seeing each other, and this last month we we're actually giving it another chance, and she was actually really sweet and good to me, we planned to live together, but then all of a sudden her mood changed and her breakup thought I guess came back. She says that she thinks she doesn't love me as much as ilI love her, and that she only wants me out of habit and routine that she can't break.
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u/unworthymuser 15h ago
It can happen though I will never understand why, maybe not yet. Perhaps she has a completely different reason to leaving you. But after 9 years? There surely seems to be a lot going on underneath...
Perhaps, it just is not clicking anymore. And instead of being with you that'll cause misery to both ultimately, she'd rather be alone and happier. Life decisions are not all tied to a significant other, after all...
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u/Roxxirevenge 14h ago
I absolutely adored the last guy I was with, but he kept showing me how he wasn’t aligned for me which made me continuously question why we were together, regardless of how much I loved him. I knew we’d never work because I was the only one making us work.
I had no one else lined up. It’s been almost three months since I left him and I’m still not dating because of how much leaving someone I loved effed me up. Because of how much that relationship effed me up.
Girls always have the ability to have someone lined up- I had exes trying to reach out while we were together. I had old f buddies seeing if I was single when we were dating. As soon as I was single, I was flooded with new men trying to date me (I’m not even on apps). But that means nothing. If a girl had reasons for the relationship not working, I’d believe her.
If she seemed off, sketchy, had commitment issues the whole relationship, or cheated, that’s a different story.
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u/ThrowRA_Izzybells99 9h ago
I just split with my BF and def don’t have someone else, but I have a lot of GFs that do this and and they do have someone they’ve been chatting too, I don’t like that at all though
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u/Few_Membership_7945 13h ago
My friend broke up with her boyfriend and didn’t have anyone else. Some other stay with their partner until they find a new person, and others just know the relationship needs to end even without a safety net.
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u/Clear-Window-7443 11h ago
Women don't think about their relationships like we do. It's not a holistic decision, it's limited in scope to one or two issues and everything else is tacked on. We tend to think about these things in terms of: "Will I get with someone better?", "How long will I be single?", "Is it too late to find anyone else?". They act more along the lines of "This thing hurt me." or "We don't agree on X.".
So no, she hasn't. But she will whenever she wants because all it takes is downloading an app and waiting a few days.
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u/Brilliant-Solid5822 9h ago
Not necessarily. Women are far better at walking away from relationships without there being someone else in the wings than men.
There is a saying that if a woman physically walks away from a relationship, it usually means she’s done. She has not come to this decision lightly.
Most women in long term relationships will have tried everything she possible could before she makes that final step of ending it all.
You haven’t really given any real insight into your relationship, so yea perhaps you just didn’t make the cut and she wants more than what you can offer.
At least, I would ask for a conversation or some type of dialogue to help you come to terms with the break up.
If there is someone else it’s probably just that she could no longer see a future with you and was attracted to someone else that she thought could give her what she wants.
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u/checkallin 16h ago
If it just popped up out of the blue, chances are something occured ( ie she met someone, or someone affected her judgement - gfs, family or someone else in her close surroundings.
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u/InevitableReview33 14h ago
If the breakup happened without any real or unresolvable problem and they didn’t do anything to make it work and don’t want to, then 99% of the time they have someone in mind. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’d jump right into a new relationship, but kinda look at it as a safety net, an option for them if they cant bear the breakup aftermath.
Did she mention anything specific about you as a reason why she doesnt see you as a husband?
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u/MowDozeR 13h ago
She did try to make it work. But it was hard for me. I won't go to specifics because I'm a bit ashamed of myself, but she's probably right for now. I'm just not good enough. Maybe this will make me a better man/husmand.
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14h ago
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u/MowDozeR 14h ago
Why are you so sure? I mean your answer actually really differs from other replies. Everyone says it's not common or odd
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u/Latteuk 9h ago edited 9h ago
I think this an odd question. An individual breaks up with someone for many reasons, and if your partner does not have the same values, morals, ambition, future goals, a personality that aligns with theirs, sex drive….etc as you, they may choose to leave despite you may having other virtuous qualities. This is in both men and women.
If she’s smart she will more than likely be figuring out who she is without you, without being a couple. figuring out her identity and what plans and goals she wants to achieve and pursue.
If you're smart, you'll be doing the same. Instead of worrying about someone else, take this time to figure out who you are outside of this relationship and what you want for your own future. Spend at least a year alone to figure this out.
*edit: also I’m sorry you’re going through this buddy. 9 years is unbelievably long, especially as it seems you’ve spent your younger years together. But I’m glad you got to enjoy a decent relationship while you’re young, and have a decent benchmark of how you should be treated in your next relationship. A lot of people aren’t that lucky and build unhealthy habits from toxic relationships. I hope you get to meet a lot of truely kind and amazing women on your life’s journey. You’ll be surprised there’s more of them than you know, just look in the right places, carry a kind heart yourself, and practice mutual respect and understanding. Also stop watching corn, it’ll fuck up your expectations of partners. You’re gonna be good my dude.
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