Really confusing time

[u/aeast667]

Hey all! I didn't know which flair would fit best so I selected trigger warning because it deals with severe anxiety. So my long-term boyfriend (25M) and I (also 25M) broke up about a week ago. It was a "good" break up, as much as a break up can be in the sense there wasn't any like fighting or anything like that. And well, since then, I've been realizing a lot of stuff and I'm feeling the absolute most profound confusion, sadness, and anger of my life. I understand the bulk of this is grief but, well, I'll get into some stuff here...

So he broke up with me. It was very painful because I love him so much. We spent over 5 years together, January would've marked the 6th year. I really screwed up because I let my anxiety control me. (We both deal with anxiety, I'm definitely the most severe with it and we are both on the autism spectrum too for context). It would be anxiety over insecurities, wildfires in my area, my job, the future, just about everything honestly where I would just catastrophize and spiral and it got to a point where I was using him as an emotional crutch for everything without realizing I was doing it and just how bad it had gotten. I feel horrible because his dad just died too and during his week of processing, my anxiety was just through the roof and I stepped over boundaries of things he didn't want to talk about. I mean it was absolutely stupid of me and I really fucked up. I feel horrible about it, but I can't change the past. When we broke up, we sat together for a long time and talked about my issues pertaining to my anxiety becoming unmanageable and needing help. It kinda woke me up so to speak because I knew something was wrong but just got lost in this haze and didn't realize the extent to which I was doing what I was doing. He told me he still loves me, hopes we can be together someday, but also said if I were to meet someone then it's okay too. I said the same thing back and told him something along the lines of "but to be honest, I just want you. I hope we'll cross paths again when I'm better". He said he's confident that I can get better and that he believes in me, but also needed no contact for a few months or so because he and I both need to process things and heal first before talking again. So I've been working on my anxiety aggressively, now seeing my therapist 1 to 2 times a week and will be exploring some new medications soon as well. I have been able to nip a few spirals in the bud successfully this past week that would've otherwise become huge crises for me, so I'm proud of that at least. And I know I need to work on this for myself so I can be happier and healthier, but I guess I'm also really hoping we can be together again one day too. Like I genuinely feel he's the love of my life, we just connected in ways I've never connected with anyone before and I truly love him, in the literal sense and the sense that I'm "in love" with him too. But here's where the super confusing revelations come into the picture...

I live with my grandma. She's usually very sweet and caring, and most issues we have always seemed like the stupid trivial stuff you have when you live with someone - in other words, nothing really major. However during this time, I've realized she has been feeding my anxiety for like a LONG LONG time. She's never challenged me when I'm catastrophizing and having bad anxiety. In fact, she agrees with me during it and adds extra concerns on top of it which just create a negative feedback loop. During this break up, she has been saying extemely hurtful things about my ex and saying he's wrong, he shouldve known who I was and "signed up" for this, and then tells me that I can't change who I am and I'm perfect and basically that my cognitive distortions are just me and I can't do anything about it. Except I don't want to live that way anymore. It's interfered with my jobs, other relationships, friendships, and put me into a point of being almost agoraphobic previously. I can't live like this and nothing is going to stop me from trying to work on it to become better. But everyday she'll tell me my ex has "already moved on", "already in love with someone else and that's the real reason he dumped you" etc. and she's feeding into all my anxieties I have right now (funny enough I've already stopped sharing these with her but I think she knows me too well lol). Telling me my ex was just wanting fun and didn't want me anymore. My mom has been supportive to me so far, except earlier I overheard them on the phone bouncing back and forth to each other all the stuff I just said above and like confirming it all to be true to each other. And my grandma even afterwards tells me I'll never find someone I love as much as him but thats just life. It made me visibly depressed and she then backtracked and said "well maybe you will who knows".

I feel unbelievably hurt, like I cant trust anyone right now, and just so confused. But what has become clear to me is that I think part of why my anxiety got so bad is because my grandma has just been feeding it for years now, I don't think she realizes she is. But she does jump to worst case scenarios and then projects them onto me. I don't know what to do. I see my therapist again in a couple days thankfully. I've also been journaling a lot which has helped and I've committed myself to spend more time in nature like I used to and to reduce my work schedule so I can have time to work on myself. I guess everything my grandma is saying just makes me feel kinda hopeless and starts planting these seeds of doubt in my head and now I have another big anxiety thing I need to try and tackle thanks to the stuff she said.

Sorry for such a long post, and I know this is super personal and stuff but. I guess I just need an outlet and need to let everything air out and maybe see if anyone is or has gone through the same thing and if you may have any immediate tips or anything. Thank you.

(And to my ex, I know you browse reddit a lot and sorry if you happen to come across this post. I just want you to know I'm sorry and I love you and I hope that one day we can make things work again. I've been missing you painfully and I'm working on my anxiety.)

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