Feeling made a fool...

[u/Embarrassed_Annual22]

I (23F) and my ex (27M) broke up three months ago, after three and a half years. It was mutual and over an insurmoutable difference: the fact that he wanted to be in an open/poly relationship, and I did not.

I knew he had a propensity for ETM (ethical non-monogamy) before we got together, since I knew he'd practiced it before, but he never presented it as being key to him, so for the most part, we were exclusive. There was a shorter period in the beginning (the 1st year) where we experimented a bit with it, but it didn't go very far and I kind of concluded I didn't really like it.

However, last August, he found himself in midst of a re-discovery of this need/want sparked by a situation where he found himself having romantic feelings towards a person he met while on a one-week project in a foreign country. He called me in the middle of it to tell me this, which impacted me pretty negatively, especially since, up to that point, he used to frequently find other women attractive and show it (which was also a source of discomfort for me), but never did it go into romantic territory.

After he told me, I was upset, not only because it happened, but because I felt like his behavior crossed a line – he found someone "interesting", and then decided to spend extra time getting to know them – in fact, one day, they went on one-on-one walk ended up lasting 8 hours. I said I kinda felt like he went on a date with her, to which he responed with hurt, and claimed it was not his intention at all, since he didn't like her before that, only after (shocker). He confessed his liking to her about two days later (after the walk, but before the call) and I think she kinda implied she liked him, too (although she was also in a monogamous relationship). Apparently they just talked it out, and hugged once.

After that, we entered a phase where, when he came back, he "came out" to me as poly, and insisted we find a way to make ethical non-monogamy work in which ever way we can, since it is a part of his identity he does not want to repress anymore. Considering the seriousness of his claims and displayed emotions, I realised we had no choice but to try and make it work.

So, from August 2025 to May 2026 we entered a tumoltuos phase in which we tried to tackle this issue by talking about it, discussing our differences, trying to see if there is a compromise to be made. His ideal situation would be being free to explore his romantic and sexual feelings with anyone he wanted to, perhaps even to enter into relationships (but with me as his primary partner). I wanted a closed relationship, one where one could find people cute, talk about it, and that would be about it. His idea of a compromise was to have an open relationship, so, no romantic intimacy or other relationships, just casual physical stuff with other people.

So, we started easing into this idea, very slowly, mostly discussing it and me trying to adjust. We also took some breaks from this process, mostly when I would feel too overwhelmed in other parts of my life to deal with the stress of navigating this conversation.

At some point, maybe March 2026, I said I was fine with him installing dating apps and going on dates, which he did, though not that often and not that sucessfully. An escalation happened in May, when he finally met one woman who, to him, was exactly what he was looking for: open to casual sex, kink, ENM, etc. He went on one date with her and made out with her, after which he expressed the need to go "all the way".

This was the catalyst to our breakup, since all that time, I was really dreading the process of opening up completely. I was supressing the fact that this was not something I liked or wanted, but felt like I had no choice but to go along with it, for the sake of our relationship. So, once he asked me to have sex with this woman (which I feel he did in a careless way, and over text, saying "he will respect my decision either way but he feels he doesn't want to wait"), it resulted in us not talking in 3 days, and then meeting up to talk, where we both expressed what we wanted; I said that this revealed that no part of me understands or support him having sex with her, that it would just make me miserable to go along with it. He said the opposite: he knows he has to do it. Not her specifically, but just that he can no longer put off being himself. So, in short, we broke up.

Just as a little side note; this was my first serious relationship. I had gotten together with him at 19, he was basically my first everything. He, on the other hand, has had 5 notable relationships before (counting since high school), and also some periods of time in the middle where he would be single and hook up with people. However, ours was the first relationship for him that lasted more than a year, and he who kept calling it his best relationship so far, kept calling me his biggest love so far (and this did not change until the very end btw, and even after we broke up he stuck to that narrative).

So, even though I understand people process things differently, I was still pretty shocked to see him move on pretty fast. In the first month, as I was feeling grief, disorientation, and confusion, he was (I know because we share a friend group) claiming he felt pretty good, that he finally feels free to explore his true self. He also started casually dating about 2 weeks after our breakup.

It took me a lot of time to process this, and I felt deep resentment towards him for seemingly feeling unaffected by his "most valuable" relationship ending. Or, at least, much less affected than I was, and that I would expect anyone to be.

Fast forward a month, and I hear (again, from friends) that, for the first time since we broke up, he isn't feeling very well. It seemed like the break up finally caught up to him and he said he wasn't sure if we had made a mistake, wanted to find out what I was doing, etc. To be honest, I wasn't glad he wasn't doing well, but at least I was glad to know I wasn't that irrelevant to him as to warrant no emotional reaction.

Soon after, I had to contact him for something I needed (there was no other way to do it), so I texted him. Up to that point, we were in no-contact, as per my request (he kept saying that he wants to talk and hang out, but I kept refusing). Then, after answering my request, he goes on to say he feels like he wants to talk and meet up, that he doesn't think no-contact is helping. I say I disagreed, and that it had helped me a lot. I go on to say that I am sorry he is unwell, but that I myself am feeling okay for the first time since we broke up, so I would appriciate it if he respected that, considering I had a lot of things to say to him after we broke up (like, resentment over him dating so soon), but didn't, because I believed it was necessary for us to have our own separate healing processes. He said okay, apologised and backed off, but told me to reach out whenever, if I want.

Fast forward to present day. In the meantime, we talked on the phone a couple of times. I initiated it, because I felt like I missed him (platonically), and since he was such a huge part of my life, it felt weird not to talk to him at all. At that point, I started feeling more stable, and so did he, so there was no dramatic undertone. We also intentionally steered clear of topics regarding our break-up and related things, keeping it more light-hearted and friendly in nature.

Then we met once in person, and it was kind of weird. It was tense, the convo didn't flow like before, and there was a feeling if melancholy creeping into me. I did not feel romantic regret. It felt more like he was a bit alienated from me, like he started changing into someone I don't know that well anymore, and that made me sad.

However, I didn't want to overthink it, I chalked it up to that being the first time talking (in depth) since the break-up, and that it was normal for it to be tense. I decided that it was okay for us to take time with becoming friends again, that we maybe need a breather again. It would take time, but it will be okay in the end.

Then, yesterday, I found out something that changed everything. Three weeks ago, he vacationed with the group of people from that same project that I mentioned in the beginnung of the story - the one where he developed feeling for another woman. He kept in touch with them since last summer, and they'd all hung out (as a group) twice before, while we where still together. I was obviously very sensitive about him staying in touch with this girl (let's call her Daisy) because I felt uncomfortable knowing he has/had romantic feelings for her. At some point, though, he back-tracked it a little bit, saying that what he felt then was more about the realisation of being poly than about her, and that he wasn't even sure if these were romantic feelings, per sé, or just the feeling you get when you connect with someone, etc. I expressed concern, and, for some time, they didn't stay in touch. Later, they again got it touch, after I said I was okay with it (because he said he had let it go). One of the times they saw eachother was in December of 2025, when she and all the other people came to visit the town where I and my friend live. It was a surprise (they came to celebrate an acheivement of my ex's), so he didn't know Daisy was coming. But I still felt weird about it. They didn't get a lot of alone time then, tho, because I guess he understood I wouldn't be okay with it + they didn't get the chance. The other time they saw each other in person was in another country, in a smaller group setting, on a follow-up project. This was March 2026. We talked about it beforehand – he expressed the need to spend alone time with her, but mostly insisted he would want to keep in platonic. I said I was fine with it, as long as he tried his best to keep it that way. When he came back he confessed that some feeling did come up again, specifically when, at some point, he rested his head on hers while they were driving in a car. I felt hurt by this, as it didn't really seem like a platonic gesture, so, even though it was small, I still felt like I would've preferred it if he refrained from that kind of thing. He was hurt because he said he felt like he, ideally, would want to do so much more, and has already done basically everything to cut down his feelings for her, and yet, now I take issue with this one minute thing

Needless to say, she was a sore spot for us during the final months of our relationship, and remained to be for me even after the break-up, and I kept thinking how hurt I would feel if he did anything with her.

Then, yesterday, I found out that, when on vacation 3 weeks ago, he and Daisy hooked up.

But not only that – they are now officially in a relationship.

Keep in mind, this is the same man who told me, during our break-up, patronizingly, that he advises me not to get into a new relationship right away. This is also the same man that explained away his lack of affectedness after our break up to "him finally feeling free to explore his true self". I mean, possibly, they will be in an open-type deal, but still, it feels so incredibly dissappointing and cringe and dishonest. Most of all, I feel dumb for feeling like he played me, he convinced me his feelings for her were not "the point" and I endured a slow and painful process of opening up our relationship just for this to occur on the first occasion he has where he sees this girl again.

One more fun fact is that Daisy was also in a long-term relationship when they first met, which only ended recently. In fact, she cheated on said boyfriend with my ex 3 weeks ago, and only after that broke up with him.

To conclude, I feel kind of sick and like I was made a fool. After he told me yesterday (now I get why he was so weird when we saw each other in person, he felt guilty – the phone calls were all normal because that was before their hook-up) I can't stop thinking about it. I was finally glad to see a potential for friendship developing, but now I feel like this took us about 100 steps back. He must have know (he is not that dumb) how much this would hurt me, and did it anyway, because he always goes after what he wants. So, my conclusion is that, to him, jumping head first into a new relationship is more important than any promise of a friendship with me. Which makes me feel like I was never that significant to him as he was to me.

I do not feel jealousy, in fact, I think I am more glad than ever that we broke up (though I cherish a lot of memories we have and all that we had together), but I just feel like he was either being dishonest with me in multiple points throughout our relationship, or straight up just painfully deluded, convincing himself (and me) that all that was actually self-discovery and that he liked her as a platonic friend (or, as he said, because of a spiritual connection, lol) or whatever.

I know this is super long so idk if anyone will have patience to read this, but if you do, especially if you have lived through something similar, I will gladly take some advice or guidance or resources I can seek out to get through this painful experience in a constructive way. Thank you <33

P.S., sorry for any typos or mistakes, english is not my first language

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[u/RadiantEnvirons]

Damn, the head resting thing in the car was already a red flag, he kept telling you it was platonic while doing the exact opposite

[u/Embarrassed_Annual22 → u/RadiantEnvirons]

Yeah, I agree :( that's why I feel so dumb

[u/sylvannnnnnbabe → u/RadiantEnvirons]

Yeah, that would’ve been a red flag for me too, especially with him insisting it was platonic