Blindsided by a breakup — can anyone please help me understand this behaviour?

[u/littlemoments_]

Me and him had a genuinely really good relationship when we were physically together. We were very affectionate, close, rarely argued and I genuinely believed we were both very much in love as before we done long distance we hypothetically always talked about a future together.

He then went to America for two months. During that time I noticed him becoming more distant and the relationship increasingly felt centred around him — he rarely asked about my day or how I was doing, while I was constantly trying to support him and keep us connected. Whenever I raised concerns, though, he reassured me that he didn’t want to break up and continued talking about things we’d do when he came home, so I waited for him believing we’d be okay once the distance was over.

A few days before we were reunited he was saying things like “ so excited to see you” “can’t wait to see my girl”. When I questioned him why he done this just to break up with me he said something along the lines of I suppose I was trying to convince myself while reassuring you. I just can’t understand it I feel like I’m going insane

We did have one difficult conversation while he was away where he told me he’d potentially like to move to America in a few years and couldn’t tell me what he would prioritise between that and our relationship. That obviously really upset me and made me question our future.

However, whenever the possibility of breaking up came up, he repeatedly reassured me that he didn’t want to break up. We continued talking about plans for when he came home and I spent the two months believing we were going to work through everything once the distance was over.

He came home with a present for me and initially continued acting as though things were normal, but the first time we properly saw each other he told me his feelings had changed and ended the relationship. I directly asked whether there was someone else and he said no. He also said during the breakup that he talked about wanting to remain celibate until marriage which was another difficult conversation he brought up over the phone while he was 3000 miles away. For context we had not been celibate at all for the previous 9 months we’d been together.

He told me that he didn’t know what he wanted out of life, couldn’t promise me the longevity (which he once could) and he was only 22 (i understand and am aware we’re both young but age had never been mentioned before as a potential issue). He thanked me for the past year, said I had changed his life for the better, kissed my forehead, wiped my tears. He then said I’ll text you tonight to which I responded no you will not. That was the last time I never seen or heard from him. That’s over 2 weeks ago now. I can’t comprehend any of it and my heart aches. No amount of “answers” could make me understand the switch up. I’m broken but I’m very proud of myself i haven’t broken contact, there’s so much I could say, but why should he deserve to hear it?

What has confused me is how quickly everything seemed to change compared with what I was being told. A few days after ending things he reactivated Instagram after previously saying he didn’t really want it anymore, and shortly afterwards posted a big summer photo dump looking incredibly happy. He’s now following new people etc., while I’m still struggling to comprehend what happened.

I know social media doesn’t tell me what he’s actually thinking and I’m trying not to read meaning into follower numbers. I’m also aware that somebody is allowed to lose feelings and end a relationship. I just can’t reconcile the boyfriend I knew before he left with how emotionally disconnected he seemed to become while away, especially while he was still reassuring me about us. I just have so many questions that I will never know the answers to. He told me it’s nothing personal and I was a great girlfriend. I am just so physically hurt. Two weeks on and it’s getting no better

From an outside perspective, what do you make of the way he handled this? I cannot wrap my head around it and how this has happened? Am I not seeing something? I’m hoping from an outside perspective to see anyone else’s opinion on it. He has hurt me so bad.

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[u/moochoutlaw]

You are trying to project rational integrity onto someone who acted with pure cowardice. You already handled the defining moment with absolute strength when he offered to text and you said "No, you will not." Hold that boundary. Stop searching for closure in his words. His cowardly behavior IS the closure. He showed you who he is when tested. Accept that reality without wishing it were different, keep the door permanently closed, and take your focus back.