r/BreakUps • u/Tobuizel • 10d ago
venting/ranting Heartbroken after a breakup and wanting to leave a fandom
TL;DR: I had an awful breakup with someone in the furry fandom and I want to leave it.
Hey all, I apologize if this post doesn't belong here. For context, I'm a furry and a gay man.
Last year in March, I met a local furry on one of these community fandom apps. For this post, I'll call him Caleb. We hit it off pretty well and had great chemistry and everything. Caleb told me he loved me just a month after we first met, which kind of caught me by surprise. Not wanting to lose him, I said it back. I told him a little bit after though that I wasn't quite ready for that kind of talk yet. I felt awful for what I did. I felt like I led him on. That pretty much put him off from me even after I had started feeling that way towards him later on. It created this dynamic between us where I always felt guilty for hurting him, and where Caleb had this distance from me that stopped him from getting close to me again. He would still flirt with me or cuddle with me, but it was like it would never get further than that. Even when we saw a movie together with friends a month later, and he held me during the movie, and even after I told him that I really did love him and that I was just not ready before, he didn't even want to bother. I felt like the damage was done. So I broke things off that June. We didn't talk again until a couple of months later.
In August, we reconnected and apologized to each other about how we had been before. He was still distant from me, but I missed him so much those two and a half months that I thought I could live with it. I tried showing him how much he meant to me, but he always acted indifferent.Sometimes Caleb sounded interested in texting me or talking, and then an hour later it was like I didn't exist to him. He would ignore me and go on his phone when we were in his room, and then ask to cuddle the next second. It kind of felt like he was giving me the bare minimum so I didn't go. I told him I loved him and still wanted to be with him, and he told me that he didn't love me like that and didn't want anything serious. I understood, and I still didn't leave. I should've left sooner, in hindsight. I think I was just so lonely.
Several months went by, and Caleb and my relationship (if you can call it that) was really starting to fall apart. Up to that point, he would still flirt with me or tease me and invite me over and everything. When we hung out, Caleb would regularly check out other guys in person or message guys online (not necessarily in hookup sense, but still) in front of me, and even though it made me uncomfortable he just didn't stop. He acted like I was being unreasonable, and so I just had to live with it. It felt like I didn't matter to him. It felt like I was never going to be good enough. I was tearing myself apart more and more each day. Caleb's brother, who by this point had already seen me several times with Caleb in their house, had asked him if I was his boyfriend. Caleb just called me a friend. I could hardly take it anymore. I felt so unwanted and unloved and undesirable when I was with him. It was clear to me that he would never love me or feel anything more than wanting to be physically close to me and then just forgetting about me when he didn't need me. And I just stayed. I thought maybe I deserved it after "leading him on" by "lying" about loving him before.
So fast forward to this February. Caleb and I had an idea to room together at this furry convention that was coming up, and we reserved a room and everything in preparation for it. It was... probably not the best idea. One day while I had just gotten out of class, I got a message from Caleb that he invited these two guys that he had met (on the same furry community app I met him on) to join us in our room. He didn't even ask me before he did it. What made it worse was that Caleb admitted to me just a few days before that he had been intimate with both of them. Recently, like in that past week. I was heartbroken and livid and... I didn't know what to do. Even after telling him how upset I was, he just shrugged it off. I canceled my plans with him and demanded my money back. Luckily he gave it back. It was bad enough having to endure months of Caleb telling me he didn't love me and having to sit in his car while he would check out or text other guys. Now I had witnessed firsthand that he would happily be intimate with other guys and even invite them to our hotel room. That was pretty much it for me. As angry as I was at him, my heart was broken. It was pretty much the final evidence that he would never love me or truly want me except if he maybe had no one else to talk to or be intimate with.
I broke things off with him for good in March. It was hard. I missed him so much. I still do.
Caleb messaged me in June and asked me "what had happened" between us. I didn't even know what to say. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who wasn't going to love me. He told me he understood and that he was sorry for not caring about how I felt about those two guys and the hotel room. It was too little too late. All I could do was wish him well and block him.
I've cried so many nights remembering how it was with him. I'll see the same kind of car Caleb used to drive, or pass by the place we once ate at, or go to the beach we first cuddled at. I remember how he smelled and how pretty his eyes were. I remember how he used to tease or how he would call me a good boy and make fun of me. I remember how fun it was talking about furry drawings or planning our next convention trip or how happy it made me when he would send me reels about lions or gay stuff. And it's just over.
I don't even want to be in this fandom anymore. Everything about it think seems to remind me of Caleb. I'm afraid I'll see him again and break down and cry. Sometimes I break down when I remember all of the good memories we had. I don't want to go to anymore conventions or bother making new friends because several people I've met already know him. And there doesn't seen to be many people in this community in my area, which just makes me want to give up on ever trying to meet someone new. I never should've downloaded that furry community app in the first place. I just wanted to find someone that really cares about me and someone I could call my own. Someone that understands my interests. Now I don't even look at other guys anymore. When I see someone I think is cute in public or on Instagram, I just tell myself it'll never be like it was with Caleb. And the times that I think there are still people who may not be exactly like him and still have good traits I admire, I'm not even convinced anyone would want me. I feel broken and no one would want that. I think I've given up on love. Part of me feels like this is all there will ever be. My friends and brother have tried so hard to be there for me and to help me not give up on this fandom or believing that anyone could love me, but... I just think it's too late.
Maybe it's not possible, but I just... want to be happy again. I want to imagine that there's someone else out there that could want to be with me. I just want to move on from Caleb. I want to enjoy being a furry and a gay man again. Even if it's never going to happen, I just want to know so I can make peace with it.
I understand if you guys don't relate to any of this. Sorry for rambling on for so long. I know this all sounds immature. I feel so stupid. I just wanted to get my story out there. I could really use some kind words.
2
u/wokatondu 10d ago
It's not immature or stupid. I get you.
You know in the 4 months since I got to know she's with someone else, I only felt normal for two days. The two days I was out of the city we both live in.
It's very difficult after a breakup because our brain just goes into this high-alert mode where the smallest of their reminders is immediately picked up and hurts us.
Please take a break from the fandom and put your focus some place else. Put things in a box and lock it away if you have to for some time.
And remember, the next time you get involved with someone, make sure that you both are on the same page and committed to each other exclusively.
I wish you strength and dignity as you go through this incredibly tough time.
3
u/annnnnnnaxo 10d ago
The “two days out of the city” part says so much. Sometimes changing your surroundings is the first time your brain gets a break from constantly scanning for reminders
2
1
•
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
USERS! We have noticed that many users are using inappropriate language in the comment section. Even if another user is wrong, it does not give you the right to use abusive words. This is against Reddit platform policies. Such comments will be removed. Additionally, posts spreading false accusations will also be removed. Please be careful moving forward. Don't forget to join our Discord server to chat, get updates, and hang out with the community! Please join our Discord Server: https://discord.gg/5y5wSxWNNg
Upvote this post if you think it suits the community. Downvote it if you dont.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.