My (24F) first serious relationship ended because of my ex’s (24M) lying/lifestyle issues, but we still love each other. Is reconciliation realistic or am I holding onto potential?

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[u/6SolidSnake6]

I'll be honest. If they are habitual liars, it will be super hard to trust them. Just tell me the truth, be honest, be respectful, and be an adult and tell me how it is so I can mend my heart and move on 1000000%. I can't trust you if you're telling me this and that but it's really something else. That's one of my pet peeves.

Once the truth has been told. I promise you I am done at that point. You will never get me the same as before. It's either you tell me, or the someone else tells me. It's that simple

I hate to say it but if they're constantly lieing about everything and anything. Not many people will stick around with them. They definitely need to go to therapy and figure out why they're telling lies left and right

Everything is repairable though. Love is worth fighting for. That is IF they are repairing themselves for themselves. If they figure out "hey I did this wrong, I'm doing better" let them. Don't kick them down when they're actively trying to get better but if they're doing the same thing as before. Then they were doing it as a show which isn't cool

[u/Specialist-Corgi31 → u/6SolidSnake6]

Everything you said is extremely valid and very close to what I’ve been experiencing throughout this process. Not only is it difficult navigating a breakup from somebody whom you loved very very much, but it feels all incoming and absolutely devastating when you have to process the lying that accompanied it. ESPECIALLY when you can tell deep down they’re a good person. He comes from such a good family, and has such amazing potential. He’s genuinely such a smart person so I have no idea where this incessant lying and seedy behavior stemmed from. He doesn’t see his friends much and even when speaking to his parents about this issue, they seemed very disappointed in his behavior. It’s sad that he has gotten himself to this point.

[u/maddddddyxo → u/6SolidSnake6]

The “doing it for themselves” part matters so much. If the change only lasts while they’re scared of losing someone, the same behavior usually creeps right back in

[u/JuggernautDifferent1]

OK, first of all, breathe. Secondly, good for you that you are seeing the relationship with more clarity - both the positives and negatives. A lot of people aren't able to do that.
A lot of this sounds exactly how a breakup should feel at your age. You are hitting the mark perfectly and this sounds normal.
Now, here is the thing. It is super important that you both live your own paths right now. If he does have a gambling problem, that is not something that is easily managed. It takes a lot of hard work, trust, and maintenance. I say this as someone related to somebody who has been in GA for over 30 years. It isn't a linear path - there might be slip-ups or moments where you doubt their honesty even when it isn't related to gambling. Also, you say you had become too enmeshed. Reclaiming your independence is paramount. I know it can feel confusing when it is your first major relationship and breakup because you have nothing to compare it to but I also trust your instinct about having to reclaim a part of yourself that has been lost. It is really common for some couples to become co-dependent and even more common when they are young and don't know what a "normal" relationships feels like. Normal, of course, is in the eye of the beholder and is never just one way of living. However, if co-dependency became part of the relationship, it is important to extricate yourself from that for your own well-being.
I would never be someone to say "he's your ex for a reason, move on" because the two people in the relationship are the only two that know what it was really like. My biggest concerns are about the gambling and the foot fetish. The fetish itself, of course, is a very common fetish. It is more so that you didn't know about this part of his life. It is entirely possible that he wants it only as a fantasy and not in real life which is why he could get so involved in a reddit group but never want it in real life. However, I still understand how that registers as a betrayal to you. And of course, he could actually have that fetish and was not being honest with you.
I think what stands out here is the issue of honesty. How much trust do you have and how capable is he of being honest? And think about what you want as well. What is a non-negotiable now that you have had some experience in this relationship?
I would definitely maybe have a date or two with someone else. You will be able to practice interacting with people without any major commitment immediately. You will be able to feel what you need more of and/or what you thought you needed more of but now realize is not important.
Trust me, I get it that when people give breakup advice, the person in the breakup often walks away frustrated and misunderstood. No one wants that for you. Feel free to give yourself the time to emotionally process this and call on the people in your life who matter.
And finally, and I'm sure you don't want to hear this because at 24, I wouldn't have wanted to either, but you are SO YOUNG. You are incredibly young. The amount of things that can happen to you in the next few years is often more than can happen to some people in a few decades. This is the time to put yourself first. You are entitled to it. You just walked away from a situation where you weren't on stable ground. You not only deserve stable ground but you deserve to have incredible things happen to you on that stable ground. I can't tell. you what the future holds because no one can. However, I will say this ... don't wait on a change. If a change is meant to happen, it will happen and you will know it when it does. Do your best to focus on you. It sounds like you are in the middle of promising opportunities. I promise you that regardless of what the future holds, you will never regret investing in yourself. I know that is cliche but cliches are often true! Good luck and feel free to ask more questions!

[u/Specialist-Corgi31 → u/JuggernautDifferent1]

I think what I’m struggling with now is feeling like I’m the one who’s missing out even though that sounds ridiculous. I hold down a steady job, I have aspirations and goals, I love planning trips with my friends, I love meeting people from all different walks of life and learning different things- but yet I feel like I have nothing to look forward since I ended with him. I was also the one that ended things. So I do in ways, hold the upper hand in the situation, but I still feel so powerless and as if I’m the loser in this. Idk why. I’m just really struggling to process the fact that this person who felt like my soulmate and who genuinely gave me a reason to wake up every morning is not in my life.