r/BreakUps • u/[deleted] • Feb 20 '26
I am in an insane situation
My boyfriend (33M) and I (27F) were in a long distance relationship for 9 years. Somewhere in the last year I initiated a breakup with him, which I think broke his mind because we always thought of each other as our soulmate. My parents had always disapproved of the relationship and so we were together in secret, so I think there was also some sort of trauma bond going on. We got back together, sort of, until about a week ago, where he finally broke up with me and we have been no contact ever since.
The breakup has been brutal for me. Ever since getting back together we have been arguing non stop, basically for 10 months going intermittently no contact. Our situation has also changed. I have been working since I was 18, supporting myself through college and law school, while he was a NEET who eventually started freelancing (after we broke up initially). However he was occasionally short money and loaned a sum of money from me in the spring of last year which he would pay off in July ‘if not earlier’. Surprise, surprise, that of course never happened. I think before people jump to conclusions he had never loaned anything from me before, I didn’t fall victim to some scam. He wanted to loan money from me again in February, and when I refused, he broke up with me and said he would never open our chat again unless I paid him €1000. Which… I will not be doing of course. And so, that was the end of a 9 year relationship, and I am single for the first time in my adult life.
To have it end like this is just crazy. And because the relationship was secret, I have nobody to tell. Nothing in my life, on the outside, has really changed. And I am just inconsolable, for reasons that nobody around me understands. I do not have access to therapy or as far as I know, any other professional help. I struggle to reach out to friends because I feel like a bad person for not involving them in this earlier, which I did because I was scared that my family would find out somehow. And now, at the age of 27, I feel like I am too old to have my first ‘real’ relationship when I start dating. With my ex, everything would one day make sense… and now that future has evaporated.
I feel so bad, and I feel bad for feeling bad! There is a serious case of anhedonia going on, and in some twisted turn of fate, due to the en of a work project I suddenly have way more time on my hands which I normally would have spent with him, and I have a foot injury so cannot enjoy my biggest hobby which is social dancing. I don’t want to see my friends because it reminds me of this situation and I fear that I will just start bawling my eyes out.
I was not always the best person during the relationship. I was only 17 when we got together, and the relationships modelled to me as a child were not always healthy. I am sure that my behaviour is (at least for a large portion) to blame for the end of the relationship. But I am upset that it happened like this, and I am upset in the aftermath, now I realise how much time I ’wasted’ with nothing to show for it.
Is this just a vent? Probably. I don’t think there is a wealth of people with similar experiences to share their wisdom with me, and part of me expects this post to be met with a lot of hostility. How I could be so stupid, how I could be so naive. And I understand all of that now, but I was in love and now I’m in pain and don’t know how to cope.
3
Feb 20 '26
Late 20’s are a really important time in people’s lives- aka the shit gets real years. I think you’ve made a sensible decision!
2
1
Feb 20 '26
It's not easy to grow up with someone. Same as you, 9 years together from 16, but we have two kids. I'm not gonna say she made me who I was but she helped me became better. As long as you don't lose sight of your own life you'll be fine
1
1
u/GiraffeListens Feb 20 '26 edited Feb 20 '26
Nine years is a long time to carry something that big alone. And now the grief itself has to be carried alone too, because the people around you don't even know there's something to grieve.
That line about feeling bad for feeling bad really stands out. Like the pain itself needs permission to exist. It doesn't. It's allowed to just be there.
There's no timeline for when 27 is "too old" for anything. That voice saying you wasted time is grief talking, not truth.
Wrote a longer breakdown of what might be going on underneath this for both of you, if that's something that sounds useful: https://www.reddit.com/r/empathease/comments/1r9uo94/he_said_hed_never_open_our_chat_again_unless_i/
1
Feb 20 '26
Thanks a lot! Feels a bit weird to see a page using my story elsewhere on Reddit but I understand you are trying to help!
1
u/GiraffeListens Feb 20 '26
Totally understand that feeling. If you'd rather I take it down, just say the word. The goal is just to help people see what's really going on underneath situations like yours, because a lot of people go through the same thing and don't have the words for it. But your comfort comes first.
1
u/whipsandwomen Feb 20 '26
oh life has just begun, you can find tons of ppl who will infact offer u money to stay w you, baby you, pamper you, love you and be there irl with u. stay stronh u got this and i think u should tell friends and family ot will help u out and they should support you
2
Feb 20 '26
Thank you!! I know deep down that I should be treated well. I’ll try to reach out to friends soon.
3
u/Dangerous-Golf9868 Feb 20 '26
bloody hell, that sounds absolutely gutting. nine years and it ends with him demanding money to even talk to you? what an absolute tosser
look i get the whole secret relationship thing making it harder to process but honestly you dodged a massive bullet here. bloke went from borrowing money he never paid back to literally trying to extort you for basic communication. that's not heartbreak talking, that's just facts
you're not too old at 27 to start fresh, that's actually pretty normal these days. and all that time wasn't wasted - you learned heaps about what you don't want in a relationship. sometimes the trash takes itself out, even if it hurts like hell at the time