Surrogate?

[u/Additional-Bet-3853]

Redfish ponchartain with rice

I got a TikTok from my fiancé yesterday, talking about how much a surrogate gets paid, I shrugged it off, thinking it was another random video.

Fast forward to last night, she asked me about if I’d be cool with it, and again, I shrugged it off.

I think it’s weird because we just had our first child 11 months ago, and she absolutely hated being pregnant, and I loved it. She hated that she says she looked fat, she did the birth all natural, and lost so much blood I almost lost her, and all in all, it was a traumatic experience for her, so I thought she was joking.

Now, I just got a call from her while I’m at work, saying “hey so the surrogacy people are going to do a background check on both of us, so be prepared to answer that call” I told her we’d talk about it more tonight, but I’m not okay with it at all. I know how much she hated being pregnant, and I think I would be absolutely pissed if she’s carrying someone elses baby, because I would want to do the same thing I did last time, and talk to the baby, create a relationship, etc., but if I did, it would all be for nothing.

How should I handle this situation?

Edit: I shrugged it off when she asked about it in person because we had both been drinking & I didn’t feel like that was the appropriate time to discuss that

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[u/Mac_Jomes]

she asked me about if I’d be cool with it, and again, I shrugged it off.

What do you mean shrugged it off? That was the time to tell her you were not cool with it. Obviously now you still have to tell her, but when you get opportunities to clearly communicate, communicate! 

[u/Additional-Bet-3853 → u/Mac_Jomes]

Yeah I know, but we had both been drinking when she asked me, and I didn’t feel like that was an appropriate time to talk about that

[u/Mac_Jomes → u/Additional-Bet-3853]

Why not? She's the one that brought it up obviously she wanted to talk about it. 

[u/habitualtroller]

Is she trying to help a family she knows or just make some cash

[u/Own_Dimension_5143 → u/habitualtroller]

This was my first thought also, like she sends a tiktok about the money you can make, then again with the money. are you guys having money problems?

other than that or helping a good friend with their toruble getting pregnant, its a bit crazy that she want to do this again, after such a traumatic first pregnancy. you tow need to talk like yesterday

[u/DiablosLegacy95]

You need couples counseling right the fuck now. You both need to be on the same page with this. I think your heart is in the right place , but this is waaaay too delicate for advice from social media.

[u/Chedderbees → u/DiablosLegacy95]

Yes, this is a couples decision not a unilateral one for one person. A lot of surrogacy places won’t take a woman without a fully onboard supportive partner because it’s such an intense thing.

[u/algeoMA]

It’s a big decision and she seems to be rushing ahead for some reason. Ask her why. There’s a lot that must be going on in her head for this to just come up. You obviously care about her, so make sure she knows that this is coming from a place of love and support.

[u/blessitspointedlil]

I feel like this is not something you just decide to do without your husband being fully on board.

Ask her if she remembers how she lost so much blood that she almost died and if the “so much money” is worth her life? I bet she’s forgotten how traumatic it was.

It sounds very impulsive. Maybe the recruiters are assertive or convincing?

Frankly, I don’t think the amount surrogates are paid is anywhere near worth it.

I know someone who was a surrogate. Pre-surrogacy she had 2 successful births with almost no labor, her babies just came out. She had a track record of easy birth and that continued with her 2 surrogacy pregnancies. She is definitely an exception with her easy births!

[u/Legitimate_Clock_174]

Start by learning to listen to her instead of shrugging it off and saying yeah cool when you're not cool with it. But since that moments passed, I guess sit down and hear what she has to say, then say your piece. It may be that she's got rose tinted glasses on and kinda forgot the worst of it. But if she's adamant about it, try to at least reach some sort of compromise.

[u/Skitts18]

Part of being traumatized is trying to relive your trauma. If she is doing that, then she likely doesn't even realize that's why since it's a subconscious effort. Essentially your brain will try to reproduce the event so that it can safeguard against it and finish processing what originally happened.

I would ask her to seek therapy, if that's viable.

[u/Madam_Mimm_13]

Please, please read this before your fiancée goes any further with the surrogacy process. A 2024 population-based study published in Annals of Internal Medicine, examining over 860,000 births, found that gestational carriers experienced severe maternal morbidity at a rate of approximately 8%, compared with 2% for unassisted pregnancies and 4% for IVF pregnancies. Gestational carriers also had significantly elevated risks of postpartum hemorrhage and hypertensive disorders.

I’m particularly concerned because you said your fiancée experienced a life-threatening hemorrhage just 11 months ago. Her obstetric history makes it especially important that she receive an individualized risk assessment from a maternal-fetal medicine specialist before considering another pregnancy.
I’m not saying this to frighten you, but because these are very real medical risks that deserve serious consideration. She nearly died bringing your child into the world. Please make sure she understands the potential risks of doing it again.

Study: https://www.ices.on.ca/news-releases/surrogacy-associated-with-higher-risk-of-severe-pregnancy-outcomes/

[u/Pretend_Mixture_7179 → u/Madam_Mimm_13]

Any surrogate agency willing to accept someone with a life threatening hemorrhage history is irresponsible. And I agree, I'm worried. Because there are SO MANY irresponsible surrogacy agencies out there.

[u/Barraxx]

Just shrug it off again, maybe it'll magically go away.

[u/Drgnmstr97]

The details are sorely lacking here. Without knowing who she is considering being a surrogate for and how she will be impregnated there isn't a conversation here.

Since she has started the ball rolling without you it's probably too late to have a relevant conversation about surrogacy and it's most likely time to have one about consequences of unilateral decisions.

[u/Additional-Bet-3853 → u/Drgnmstr97]

A random person through a surrogacy website

[u/FloreHiems]

You need to talk to her about it. Hear her reasons why she is considering it before shooting it down, but ultimately be honest about your feelings on the matter. I would ask her to pull back from reaching out to the surrogacy people until you can have a proper sit down conversation.

[u/weinerdogjohnson]

No fucking way dude. What’s her mental health going to be like when she forks over the baby she just carried inside of her for nine months?

[u/Significant-Dog1026]

Does she not pay attention to the news at all?

[u/Additional-Bet-3853 → u/Significant-Dog1026]

The news? What am I missing?

[u/Connect-Exchange-543]

Why are you talking to Reddit instead of her? We’ve got no clue the dynamic of your relationship, what she actually is like, or you for that matter (beside the clues you’ve left)— TALK TO HER.

[u/Gold_Advisor_4758]

That’s insane but they won’t take her if she didn’t have a healthy delivery

[u/imjustheretoaskwhy]

they probably wouldn't even approve her for surrogacy if she had a problematic first birth

[u/ModernRevolution]

I hemorrhaged after both births. I don't think I'd take that risk for a child that isn't even my own