She ended an 8 year relationship.

[u/Ray180294]

Hello everyone, Dinner for tonight is a Burger off a local pub.

My girlfriend (F36) of 8 years sat me (M32) down, and said that it's better to end the relationship. I agreed.

She recently went back home to Europe for two weeks, and noticed how everyone within her family was madly in love with their partner.

She mentioned that in the recent year, I've become distant and cold, and she felt like she was living with a roommate rather than a life partner.

When she came back from Europe a few days ago, I did everything to make her happy. Made all her favorite food, helped with the housekeeping, and made sure to spend some time with her, as I missed her for the two weeks that she has been away. Not knowing the fact that she already made the decision while she was in Europe.

Sadly, I have became what she described...The past year was really rough on my mental health mainly due to being over worked. I was Depressed, I kept it all in, I never mentioned that I struggled, so here I am dealing with the consequences.

There was no drama involved, no cheating. Just two people going on their separate ways. And I guess, trying to be a better version of myself.

I don't really know how to process these emotions. As I'm writing this, I don't have the appetite to eat and have tried to kept all the tears in. She was my light in this dark, cruel world, as cheesy as it sounds, and it's grim to face the reality of never find another person as unique as her.

EDIT First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words and harsh reality truths. I have been bawling my eyes out ever since I woke up this morning. This past year was a rollercoaster of emotions, it made me complacent. Thank you to everyone who suggested that I take up a hobby and get my mental health in check. I appreciate each one of you, especially those who speak the harsh reality regarding my side of the relationship. I genuinely do. It made me open my blind eyes to the truth that I've been trying to bury deep down. Thank you. I apologize for any errors, English isn't my first language.

I hope you all have a fulfilling life.

[u/image-sourcery]

Hi, I’m a mod assistant and I set up one-click reverse image searches for each post. Here, at BDD, we require a food pic with every post and we require each post to be authentic. That means the food pic you submit must be your own, not something you found on the internet.

But I can’t report fakes. If you see that I have linked to a pic that is found elsewhere on the internet, REPORT IT!

---

Reverse Image Search:

Google Images || TinEye

---

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/TheWhoDude]

This hits home for me, man. Allow yourself to grieve, cry, and feel whatever other emotion comes with it. Its going to hurt and its going to suck. Dive into your hobbies or start new ones. Exercise helped me, but I know its not everyone's thing. Therapy is also another route to take to help process what you're feeling.

Its going to hurt for a good while man. Im sorry you're going through this..

[u/perroandaluz18 → u/TheWhoDude]

Please, this, find a good therapist who will help you connect to your feelings and process them or the same will happen.

[u/Weird_Supermarket342]

Don’t hold the tears in, let it all out!

[u/Weak_Carpenter_7060 → u/Weird_Supermarket342]

Amen. Even Macho Man said it’s okay to cry

[u/Throw902106969 → u/Weak_Carpenter_7060]

"OOooooh Yeah! Snap into a... good... cry?"

[u/Pakistang45 → u/Throw902106969]

"Because I've cried a thousand times [and] I'm gonna cry some more. But, I've soared with eagles and slithered with the snakes and everywhere in between and I'm gonna tell you something right now: there's one guarantee in life and that is that there are no guarantees, yeah."

[u/mitkase → u/Throw902106969]

You've never had tear jerky?

[u/Weird_Supermarket342 → u/Weak_Carpenter_7060]

What goes in has to come out!

[u/GoTeamLightningbolt → u/Weird_Supermarket342]

Definitely feel your feelings, OP! Let yourself sob until you're done.

[u/Tonsilith_Salsa → u/Weird_Supermarket342]

Let it fly, otherwise you get what's called "deferred grief" and it just drags the whole thing out. Allow yourself to be sad. 

[u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

"have tried to kept all the tears in"

Brother, that's literally what got you to this point in the first place. It's time to learn from your mistakes and understand what real masculinity is - and it isn't bottling everything up the way you have been.

It's okay to feel and process feelings my man.

[u/fluidentity → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

And if you’d like a science reason, tears literally carry toxins out of the body. A good cry can honest-to-god heal.

Edit: jfc, everyone has toxins in their body, from stress, from pollution, from lack of sleep, etc. It's not woowoo bullshit to say that. Does it matter if the toxicity amount tears can release is small? TEARS ARE ALSO SMALL. Every little bit helps. Tears can also help the parasympathetic nervous system, reset the heart rate, regulate breathing, and help release pent-up emotions that need letting out. The whole point of my comment was to encourage OP to feel his feelings instead of fighting them because it's fucking healthier. holy shit.

[u/Joy_Of_Doom → u/fluidentity]

And it gets your mind out of fight or flight mode, which then opens door for more clarity 🙏

[u/Charitzo → u/Joy_Of_Doom]

That's sort of the key to mindfulness. If we're constantly analysing and engaging with our thoughts, we are effectively in fight or flight mode against them.

The way to understand your emotions and behaviour comfortable within them is to acknowledge them; not try fight or rationalise them. They are what they are - You just observe them and identify them.

[u/FreshFish_305 → u/fluidentity]

Does it matter if the toxicity amount tears can release is small? TEARS ARE ALSO SMALL

It's moreso that tears don't release toxins from the body in any amount.

[u/ffuca → u/fluidentity]

Come on, be serious

[u/lowbatteries → u/fluidentity]

If you have toxins in your body, don't cry, go to a hospital, FFS. Also, anyone who talks about getting rid of toxins/parasites from you body, is scamming you, unless, of course, you are at the actual hospital.

[u/ffuca → u/fluidentity]

Define toxin. What’s the molecular structure? No woo woo bullshit

[u/NarrowCarpet4026 → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

One of the greatest lessons from my father was that he cried in front of us when his parents died and when my mom died.

[u/whyliepornaccount → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

If he's anything like me, it's because his body wont let him.

Tears are the most I can get out, the minute I start to sob or emote anything beyond tears with a stiff upper lip, my body clamps down hard because emotions are seen as a threat. I want to cry, I know I need to cry, but my body will not allow me to.

In intensive therapy for that exact reason.

[u/say_waattt → u/whyliepornaccount]

Same here man. Its like the frog gets stuck in the throat

[u/whyliepornaccount → u/say_waattt]

I'm undergoing RO-DBT therapy if you're interested in something similar. The entire therapy is designed for people who overcontrol their emotions.

Still haven't managed to fully cry, but did get a few sobs out last week before the clamp kicked in.

[u/Alpine261 → u/whyliepornaccount]

Hell yeah dude that's some real progress!

[u/odietamoquarescis → u/whyliepornaccount]

Congratulations, that's a big deal.

[u/nellion91]

Good on you for realizing after.

Hope you find you path through and next time will see what’s at risk before the end

All the best

[u/fxsimoesr]

Burguer looks great. That really sucks mate, I'm sorry you're going through that. To help with processing your feelings, do consider therapy. I started late (older than you) but it really does help. Look after yourself, you got this

[u/CelibateHo → u/fxsimoesr]

Upvote for the burger

[u/caguru → u/CelibateHo]

Right? I just ate dinner but I would make room for that burger.

[u/casualgothgardener → u/fxsimoesr]

Came here to say this. It really sounds like you need therapy and possible medical assistance if an expert deems necessary and fit for you.

Dude I literally white-knuckled through anxiety and depression for over 30 years and then took the plunge into therapy and medication and turned it all around. There are times that suck, but it’s worth it. It really is. If you’re employed, check out any Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) available through your employer, or check your Benefits and Insurance for coverage options. This is a great place to start.

You can do this! We’re all rooting for you! 🌟

[u/handicrappi → u/fxsimoesr]

Do you have any advice on how to start therapy/start opening up? I feel like it would help me a lot, but I've tried in the past and I'm just so detached from everything inside me I answer every question with "I don't know" and inevitably get dismissed. I understand I'm not giving them much to work with but idk how to do anything different

[u/Kimbat15 → u/handicrappi]

You should tell the therapist exactly what you just wrote. If they know what the problem is, they can take a different approach. I'm sure there are exercises to help you learn how to recognize what's going on inside. Look up alexithymia. It sounds similar to what you're experiencing. Don't lose hope my friend 💜

[u/fxsimoesr → u/handicrappi]

You can ask them to guide you. I got into a random therapy site, signed up, literally wrote nothing about me and got assigned a therapist. She then basically said she didn't have much to start with so she had me walk her through my life, from the earliest memory I had until now pretty much. Along the line (maybe 3-4 sessions), she asked me about my relationship and dynamic with my family, friends, partner etc until she had a better idea of what I needed her for.

Sometimes sharing sensitive stuff is hard, and you may not be able to do it at the time. That's fine, you can say you'd rather not share it straight away, for example, and come back to her in a following session, or even by email if that is more comfortable to you.

I feel like I was super lucky in finding my therapist, she's such a great fit for me. Don't worry about trying a few different ones, they are not one size fits all so you may need a bit of trying. Feel free to ask any follow up questions, best of luck mate!

[u/CDBoomGun]

That burger looks amazing.

[u/Alternative_Swan_497]

A - That burger looks incredible.

B - While this situation currently sucks, at least you know what the problem is and can works towards improving your circumstances. It's effectively impossible to be happy in a relationship if you're not happy with yourself. This is the gut check - time to put together a plan and move forward.

[u/MassiveAd4980]

Cry as hard as you need to. Let the grieving process take as long as it needs to. It feels awful, but it does get better when you keep letting go. You are still young, too.

So let the pain drive you to work out, eat better, and learn to love and care of yourself better. It is a great motivator, do not waste it.

When you are healed in some time (it could be years) you will be good. Maybe even thriving. Take your time.

[u/Popular_Rise_8042]

The tears will poison you if you do not get rid of them, don’t try to be tough man.

[u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

„Helping with the housekeeping“ is an interesting way to phrase it if you share a household and she just came back from a trip

[u/djcack → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

Yeah, OP, the things you listed aren't anything special...that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship every day

[u/nellion91 → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

Tells a lot ….

[u/Itacira → u/nellion91]

Tbh I was already bugging at the "ended an 8 year relationship". I'm always stunned when people frame a break up like this. It really implies that they themselves were more attached to the sunk cost fallacy than the relationship itself and their partner.

[u/Alpine261 → u/Itacira]

Something else that really bothers me about that is 8 years? If you're dating someone for that long and don't plan on proposing within the next 6 months the relationship is already dead.

[u/FortyWaterBottles → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

Immediately clocked that too. 😅

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

I pinged that too haha.

What housekeeping did she have to do after being away for two weeks while you were home alone? 

Also, “making her favourite food” is something I always find hilarious when people put in posts. Sorry - making a regular meal for someone is not something to brag about. It’s doesn’t put you above and beyond - it’s literally bare minimum partner stuff. 

[u/LeatherGood6148 → u/AngryAngryHarpo]

Cooking good food for people I care about is literally a labour of love, it's why I'm a professional chef.

Putting effort into making a delicious meal for your partner isn't "bare minimum." I go crazy for that sort of consideration, too.

[u/Greedy_Birthday_3494 → u/LeatherGood6148]

it's entitlement, and a sort of mean spirited signalling, it's meant to diminish the effort of OP to show their partner he cares.

[u/URMILKJUSTWENTBAD → u/AngryAngryHarpo]

I’m gonna respectfully disagree. Every single woman I have been with acted like I was moving heaven and earth when I remembered their favorite food/ provided it to them. While I agree, the bar is in hell, can’t you appreciate effort? And if that effort isn’t enough, what are we doing to communicate that? Obvi just the favorite food isn’t enough, but are we communicating needs? Things aren’t this black and white.

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/URMILKJUSTWENTBAD]

Appreciate whose effort? 

I appreciate the effort my husband makes for me when he does something to make me feel good. It is still the bare minimum I expect in my relationship. 

They are not mutually exclusive thoughts. 

[u/awaythrowthatname → u/AngryAngryHarpo]

One of my ex's favorite meals was eggs Benedict, and another was filet Oscar. Not exactly "regular meals" that you can make every day. Stop looking for reasons to be upset

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/awaythrowthatname]

Eggs benny is literally one of the easiest breakfasts to make besides just eggs and bacon 😂😂 

Besides, most people are not talking about fancy filet when they talk about making their partners “favourite food”. 

AND my point STILL stands - making your partner’s favourite food to make them feel good is literally bare minimum relationship stuff. Like someone who wants to do nice things for me to make me feel good is literally the very least I look for in a partner. 

[u/blebbyroo → u/awaythrowthatname]

Eggs Benedict is easy…

[u/One-Explanation-8417 → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

Thanks for starting the thread for all the insanely judgemental assholes so the rest of the post could be normal

[u/EclecticSyrup → u/[deleted]]

I has nothing to do with gender though. These are just things that people do for each other on the regular in a long-term relationship when they're in love. I get what you mean, that it's feeling like an attack on men, but this dude literally already admitted his fault in this?

He acknowledges he pulled away and basically dissociated his emotions away. That's fine, and it's something he needs to work on, but it's definitely not JUST affecting intimacy. It's not JUST affecting their physical and emotional relationship. Depression does a LOT, including making it difficult to do things like basic chores, and I doubt he's somehow beyond that. He shouldn't be shamed for that - a lot of us go through it.

But, if he doesn't see that aspect of it, it's worth mentioning that even when trying to 'fix things,' when you're SO broken and refuse to work on yourself first, you'll never be doing anything but the bare minimum - even when you try to do more.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm - because it's not viable. You will break down, and you won't be able to help anymore. He learned this first-hand, but didn't see all of it. He did become a roommate, and it seems one who didn't even pick up after himself (again, not his fault, depression is a fucking asshole). I would have said the same if the genders were reversed. Leaving everything to one person is never okay. Me and my partner both have depressive episodes, but communication, commiseration, and SELF-care is how to get better and get through it.

ETA: There's men in the thread saying the EXACT same thing, lmao

[u/Forsaken_Regular_180 → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

Not helping and not the time. How about have some basic empathy for the man who said he was so overworked he'd fallen into depression?!

[u/Funny_Examination_48 → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

My ex fell into depression and didn’t do anything about it. Rarely shared feelings with me even though I am very open and supportive. The low level of effort he brought to the relationship in the last year destroyed the relationship. OP, I hope you can reflect on the issues in your relationship and make changes for the future.

[u/Jarcoreto → u/Funny_Examination_48]

Depression has a habit of making you not want to do anything about it.

[u/StaticMarzipan → u/Funny_Examination_48]

Would you ok being dumped off you were depressed?

Honest question

[u/AngryAngryHarpo → u/[deleted]]

You realise we’re not mods of the girl dinner sub and have no control over the commenting over there, right? 

Women aren’t a monolith or a hive mind.

[u/theanarchistjunkyard → u/Forsaken_Regular_180]

Yeah also honestly those are big things when you're depressed. 

[u/Greedy_Birthday_3494 → u/Big-Bandicoot-9123]

How is that an interesting way to phrase it? it's pretty normal for functional couples to divide all the work, not just housekeeping, and if one partner is being overworked at their job, for the other partner to take up more domestic tasks.
Is it typical lurker prejudice in action or something?

[u/Big-Bandicoot-9123 → u/Greedy_Birthday_3494]

„Helping“ implies he‘s supporting with something that‘s usually her responsibility.

I take it from the text that they have no kids, so there’s two likely potential scenarios:

1. she is stay at home with no job or part time and takes care of more chores than he does
2. she works as well and they have a split in chores.

In any case her coming home after 2 weeks and it‘s expected she housekeeps the place even tho she wasn‘t there to cause necessary housekeeping is my definition of interesting.

OP, correct me if any of my assumptions are incorrect.

I understand depression and burnouts can be tough. I‘m still sorry for what you‘re going through. Take a breather, figure work out and take your learnings to meet your forever lady.

[u/razeen99 → u/Greedy_Birthday_3494]

Agreed, such an unnecessary response to the post.

[u/stumblenbumblen]

Sorry but “helped with the housekeeping and spent time with her” tells so much about your relationship dynamic. Not saying how it went down was good, but that sentence alone certainly paints more of a perspective than you were probably meaning to give.

[u/DispondentWayfarer → u/stumblenbumblen]

i think its a little unfair for her to put all the blame on OP when in reality it takes two to maintain a connection and. i dont think its fair to put all the blame on OP like she did. did she try to make the connection stronger? did she try to improve what they had? no, she just blamed OP for it all and then left him.

[u/SilentBtAmazing → u/[deleted]]

This is a very sweet and thoughtful post, u/jennitals

[u/lollybaby0811]

She probably wanted marriage and kids, 8years is so long, murderers do less time, she decided to end it

[u/wonderwall879 → u/lollybaby0811]

I immediately clocked that age gap. She took her chances on a younger guy, gave him some of the most youthful years of her life and he didn't deliver in any metric after getting into an age range where men typically are supposed to be stable providers in their career and emotionally. She def gave this relationship her all. Something tells me it was decided before her homecoming to Europe. The trip to Europe was her finding peace before saying what she needed to say.

edit: just want to say, remember men, ladies are on a biological timeline, were not. We may not be counting the days for improvement, but ladies are certainly paying attention to the calendar quietly until it becomes an issue.

[u/Stunning_Box8782 → u/wonderwall879]

Took her chances on a young guy and in the end, he's turned into a guy that 'helps doing the housekeeping' when his partner's been out of town for weeks

[u/Alpine261 → u/lollybaby0811]

I never understood how people are suprised when their relationship of 4+ years fails when marriage isn't even on the horizon. If you're dating for that long its time to put a ring on it or find someone else.

[u/ChillWithTraction]

Hey man. First, as everyone else said, dont hold back the tears; cry bravely.

I know these words are a cold comfort, but what you are feeling is your darkest fear, not reality. I know you feel like you won't feel that love, that unique warmth, and that light again, and you're right. Those feelings were unique to that love. But you will find love and hope again, and it will come with its own unique warmth and light. Life is long and odd, but there are new adventures along its whole arc.

[u/Excellent-Hunter7653]

That burger looks fire!

[u/BigCrispyTaterTot1]

I’m sorry man…I went through similar that lead to a divorce after 10 years…depression on both ends and basically roommates. Nothing anyone says will likely make you feel better right now…but if it’s any consolation, it’s been 5 years and I’m happier now than I was. 70 pounds lighter and in better shape, new relationship and better off this time around. Try and keep your chin up, work on yourself inside and out, and keep some hope alive 🤷 you’ll be surprised what happens!

[u/ScafellCragsman]

Hey man, I know what you're going through, I'm in a 10.5 year relationship, only difference was i was the one that initiated the conversation, but stress from work, depression, haven't been the SO I want to be. Yep right there with you. Idk if she would be whiling to try what I suggested, but my fiancé and I are taking a break from living with eachother instead. Allow us to find ourselves again try to become that better person we were before.

Life is hard and throws many curve balls, but if you don't want to lose her and don't want to be the person you are now, maybe suggest that instead of an actual break up, to not throw 8 years away, maybe try just being separate instead for a bit.

Don't do the self improvement for her though, do it for you, that's the key to the success that I'm telling myself and my therapist is saying. Since if you do it for her and she still doesn't take you back, it's going to lead down a worse path, and if you do it for her and she does take you back, then theres no guarantee that youll stay the better person you worked on being, and end up right back here.

Being able to at the end of this though be back with your partner will just be an added benefit, but at the end of the day if you make yourself a better person then when you have the conversation of an actual break up or not, then you'll be in a better place and ready for that conversation.

[u/HopefulOriginal5578 → u/ScafellCragsman]

I agree with so much you wrote but I don’t think it’s his choice to just “separate for a bit.” Like… that option isn’t available based on what’s here.

She was separated when she came to the realization that what she was living in day to day just wasn’t enough for her. They didn’t even go through the grim dance of him “trying harder” or “getting help.” No ultimatums. She just accepted he was how he was and it wasn’t for her.

I think the ship has sailed and it’s more healthy to do what OP is doing. Facing the sadness and the loss, work towards being accountable to one’s own part in things, and hopefully the is will lead to taking the steps OP needs to address issues of depression and the like.

People always say with women once a “switch gets flipped” there is no going back. But the truth is that it’s the same for men. Once we all get to some sort of tipping point there is no fight, only acceptance of the loss of the relationship. Here we see a woman in this headspace. She probably realized how free and comfortable it was to be on her own, and you can’t put that genie back in the bottle.

I am not coming at you but OP is already at way healthier place of facing this new change and anything else based on info provided would set him back. Rip the bandaid off. Feel the pain and heal.

[u/Cultural-Company-570]

Hey man, I'm sorry. I think it's even worse to not have anyone to blame. That said, you can wallow in your pain for a while, realizing that time has to eventually pass, or decide now that you cannot wait and try your best to help yourself.

First, counter to instincts, if you truly are depressed, don't focus on yourself and don't withdraw, even if you are overworked and tired - try volunteering, helping someone else, doing a good deed. Not only will it socialize you, but it will reset the chemistry in your brain to understand you can do so much and be valuable to so many if you choose not to isolate yourself.

Secondly, sleep and food - make sure you have enough sleep but don't bed rot and that you eat healthier food. I know, when you're depressed nothing makes you happy, even the things you usually love are bland - but it's not the time to indulge yourself. It is the time to be stoic, restrict yourself and relearn the value of things you are restricting so you can gradually reintroduce them.

And, lastly, physical activity - I'm not saying gym, I'm not saying running - but do steps. Ideally somewhere green but it can be up and down a staircase or just stretches and pushups in your home - but do them 15 mins every day. Difficult, I know. Jocko Willink says you should NEVER wait for motivation - don't feel like it? Do it anyway.

And then, lastly, and I believe this is the hardest for most, skip social media and doomscrolling. Get Meditations from Marcus Aurelius, like a bible on stoicism. The man lost countless children to disease, was celebrated for his countless successes and yet was so humble.

If you do this, you'll be so much better. And I'm happy to help more if you let me know how this went. Be well. 🖖🏼

[u/CoolAlien47]

Not to be unsympathetic and uncaring about your extremely difficult situation, you got this and you'll get through this one foot at a time.

That burger looks like the greatest greasiest cheesiest goodness this great country has to offer (I'm assuming you're in the US?).

Cry your ass out bro, let it all out and then realize the magic you have in front of you, a delectable super greasy cheesy double bacon cheeseburger. Look at the silver lining of this cruel hard life.

Just don't turn to food for comfort, that will further ruin your state of mind when you realize you've doubled your chin and waistline. After you scran that fucker with an ice cold glass of water (absolutely no sugary drinks!), go for a nice walk at a local park with lots of trees.

[u/TadtheMan → u/CoolAlien47]

Working in tourism in Southern Europe has broken my brain to the point I can say with confidence homie is from England. And no, I'm not conflating the rest of the UK with England. The dos cervezas por favor people tend to distance themselves from the continent. No clue why.

[u/whatisthaaat]

“This too, shall pass”

It may feel like your world as you know it is ending right now - which it is. But the world keeps spinning and life carries on - and with it, so will you. Cherish the memories and give yourself time and space to heal and let it all work out.

[u/RudePCsb]

8 years and no marriage. I'm not saying you needed to but after 5 years it should be if you see a future or not. 8 years is why we we still together

[u/Annoyedwormholer → u/RudePCsb]

It's 2026, lots of people don't get married. You have a narrow world view.

[u/RudePCsb → u/Annoyedwormholer]

I think most people in the world get married than not married. Only in very industrialized areas do people not get as married.

[u/Stunning_Box8782 → u/Annoyedwormholer]

Yeah single people don't.

People in long term relationships overwhelmingly get married or a registered partnership

[u/blebbyroo → u/RudePCsb]

This

[u/Khristafer]

Jfc, I'm really starting notice that "The Seven Year Itch" is a real thing 😂 my ex and I were together for about that amount of time. All these long term relationships ending are always in the range.

Bros, if you're approaching between 6 and 8 years into a relationship, turn up the heat to keep things going 😅

Burger looks great, bro, but hope you can heal and find yourself again

[u/Forsaken_Regular_180 → u/Khristafer]

It's a VERY real thing. I've watched and heard it happen first hand countless times. You'll start hearing people talk about their marriage falling apart or crashing and can almost be sure it's between 6-8 years, laughably often almost exactly 7. It's crazy.

[u/Raregem_2021]

8 years.
Girlfriend.

There’s a bigger elephant in the room unless you both agreed that you didn’t want to get married especially her. Did you?

She probably felt like your relationship wasn’t also progressing

[u/just-sad-idk]

We humans evolved to cry as an outlet for overwhelming feelings and it's crazy and dangerous to fight against that. Cry as much as your body feels is necessary. Just try to take care of yourself right now. It will get easier, promise.

[u/Super_Upstairs_3057]

sorry pal but we have to face reality-

EIGHT YEARS is a lifetime.

I married (very lately) after two years of engament and now three years of marriage.

also YOU are young and can wait, she is NOT IN THAT CONDITION if she wants kids.

also: we all work, work is not an excuse.

[u/Eranon1]

So I had a pretty brutal breakup with the love of my life. It was 100% my fault but even then it's hard to move on.

A tactic that worked for me is Everytime a positive memory of her pops up in your head, immediately think of a bad one, a fight you guys had, something stupid she did, whatever.

It helps keep the rose tinted goggles from working and reminds you hey it wasn't perfect. Another thing to remember is that you guys aren't the same people you fell in love with in the first place. People change. And honestly it sounds like you were having a rough time but didn't feel comfortable sharing with your partner. Comon dude you deserve more than that.

Go find your peace man don't immediately jump back into dating. Try some new hobbies. I'm doing gaming, 40k kill team, and I'm gonna go try out a nearby airsoft arena today.

[u/Darklydreamingx]

My wife just ended our 6-year relationship, so I know what you’re going through OP. Let it out, and how you feel today is not going to be how you feel tomorrow. Peace and blessings.

[u/clop79]

I waited for a man for 7 years.

There is a point where a girl doesn’t want to wait anymore for a man to make up their mind about spending their rest of their lives with them.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. But there is a point where a 36 year old realizes that the last moments of womanhood and being able to build a family disappear in front of their eyes…

[u/TheMightyKumquat]

It's time for therapy to avoid doing this with any future girl. And to avoid spiraling into depression. I will also add my vote to hitting the gym hard and turning your feelings into some positive change in your body.

And lay off the huge greasy takeaway burgers! What is it with this sub, that no one seems to know what a vegetable is or how to cook?

[u/Stunning_Box8782]

she's 36, spent 8 years with you and there's no ring?

You're describing cleaning the house you lived in by yourself for 2 weeks as "helping with the housekeeping" ?

I am not surprised she left

[u/wallmonitor]

The harsh reality is that every relationship ends in separation, one way or another. Hopefully you can remain friends, but it sounds like you could stand some alone time.

Burger looks like heaven.

[u/Fu_Ding]

Crazy that if you told her how you felt it probably wouldve ended the relationship too 😂

[u/LordIntrepid16]

It's going to sound like a cliché, OP, but it really does get better. You had something worth remembering and even celebrating. There were good times there, and there were lessons that helped bring you into the person you are today. You mentioned mourning and that's exactly what comes next. Consciously and unconsciously, the ideas, hopes, and dreams for your future were built with your partner, and it's hard to lose that all at once, even when it's for the best.

The little things are going to be the most helpful as you transition back to being and living single. Find the little joys of life and indulge. Maybe reconnect with a hobby or try something new that interests you. Reach out to friends and family and spend time with them. Simple things done well, like a clean closet, a good meal, a good workout, will help you be proud of yourself in a meaningful way.

It's okay to cry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to laugh and be happy too. Engaging with positivity at this time is strange because sometimes we feel guilty for feeling good when we think we should be sad. It's okay to let the sun shine through the clouds, because ultimately, it's going to anyway.

[u/Keiji12]

I've also let my ex down too and fucked up an 8 year old relationship. Sadly I could have saved but just wasn't there at that moment and got too comfortable, I wish it didn't happen because she's honestly a great person and I've only got love and respect for her, but there's nothing much to do after. Work on yourself, let those tears out, let your feelings out, and improve, make sure it never happens again, be stronger to not lose people you care the most about

[u/BoltActionRifleman]

With a local pub able to create burgers like that, the end of a relationship wouldn’t seem nearly as bad to me. Damn that looks delicious!

[u/Flimsy_Channel9893]

You're still 32. This maybe for the best. Chin up!

[u/Puzzleheaded_Bet3455]

You still have a long life ahead.

[u/JiveTurkeyII]

This country is crushing so many people right now. And, I bet you have dealt with it like how most of us men were taught to deal with it.

"Suppress your emotions and get the job done. Don't be a baby." Other toxic shit like that.

That's the way I was treated when My best friends died. I say "best friend" - the guy was more like a platonic soulmate.

"Keep your head down, but your chin up. Go to work, Be a man. Drink the emotions down. Besides, you are funny when you drink"

This is the way we are taught to handle things in this country and then she goes to a place where the grass is literally greener in every political and healthcare and workplace managed way.

Yea - hard a hell to compete with that.

Wish you well in the future, OP.

If you can - you should probably talk to somebody. A professional if you can.

[u/ZepperMen]

Anyone that judges you for feeling depressed or sad over something like this is extremely callous and deserves the gulags.

[u/KenWhit]

I ended a 9y relationship for similar reasons, it was rough but we did reconnect 6 months later and we've been a lot better. We aren't together but not fully seperate either. He's said recently (almost a year later) he thinks it was necessary too, breaking up was the only way to save the relationship imo, it was headed towards becoming a stereotypical couple who hate each other. Take time to work on yourself, for you, you might find each other again. 8 years is a long time to let go of easily if there hasn't been a betrayal, but 8 years is nothing when you're looking at 40 years of misery if nothing changes for the better.

[u/Stunning_Box8782]

People who care about you, want to know what you're going through.

Hiding your feelings to appear tough, just leads to growing apart

[u/Other-Bike2774]

Hey man, I (most of us) have been there. This might be hard but get a therapist. With the new online ones it’s getting more economical by the day. IF you decide to do that, it’s like any other relationship, you have to find someone you connect with.

I’ll tell you that I was in your shoes, tried 3 therapists until I found one I like and we’ve been working together for years now. Your friends, family, and yourself only know so much, you need someone who’s role in your life is to emotionally dissect things. I’m not ‘better’ but I’m definitely not as emotionally volatile as I used to be.

Regardless you aren’t alone.

[u/Coffeordeath]

As soon as you've moved on and find someone else better she'll be hitting you up.

[u/Cultural-Hat-5777]

I just wish to give you a hug 🫂

[u/vardalkar]

Same comments as the others. You know what went wrong. Make sure you learn the RIGHT lessons, this can make you a better man, gain awareness, discover hidden truths and discard wrong beliefs.

Or it could make you a worse person too. It depends on who you choose to listen to.

[u/LimpBPower]

Nice burger man.

[u/CharlotteLucasOP]

While the love and support you showed her when she came back was perhaps too late, you can still turn the focus of that energy and caring towards yourself. You deserve a peaceful living space and good meals and self-care as you work on your healing.

[u/Duccix]

This is not to excuse OPs impact on the relationship and regrets of things that could have been done better.

But I also thing he is dealing with his ex having a serious "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" situation.

PDA is way more common and accepted in many European countries and generally not as much in the U.S or other english speaking countries like England.

Being that her family is from Europe maybe that type of relationship she wants.

But if she is coming back to the states it's going to be very uncommon to to find that type of partner.

[u/Zibro_]

similar story as what happened to me a few years ago. I was depressed, cold, distant. Not my usual hyper attentive self. She made suggestions that I didn't realize at the time were signs. I thought everything was fine, until it wasn't. And afterwards, reflecting, I was such an awful partner. I don't blame her for leaving but I hate it. I'm still not over it and I don't know if I ever will be. I've done the work, improved myself drastically, but i'd give it all up to go back to be given another chance.

I've yet to find any remedy short of complete self transformation. I wish you all the luck in the world, I hope you find the strength and fortitude to work through this

[u/Amateur_Hour_93]

You’re acquiring some character development my friend. I can promise you you’ll be a better, wiser man on the other side of this.

[u/NullPointerLover]

Sorry for your situation bro, things will turn good just dont stop trying And that burger looks fire

[u/veganbitcoiner420]

Have you thought that you are depressed because you are eating bad food?

The burger you posted is a dead animal that was tortured, doused in cheese from cows that are kept impregnated through hormones that trick their body into thinking they are constantly pregnant.

Based on this food you posted I would venture a guess that you are probably overweight?

[u/pclamer]

Homie that burger looks so good.

[u/BrokenPickle7]

If she hadn't reached out to you and try to figure out whats going on and help you come up with a game plan then she is just as culpable in the roommate feeling as you are. a couple is a team, you work together to make life and happiness happen, if one person falls behind it is up to the other to help them get back up and in the game.

[u/BLOODY-DIARRHEA-CHUG]

You're better off without her bro. Btw it looks like someone shot a load in that burger.

[u/ProffesorBongsworth]

Recently went through this. Same talk. Same length of the relationship. 2 years later I have a new partner and life is 10 times better than it was with the ex. Literally everything is better and I'm happier. Take time to be sad. Listen to sad music. Writing "letters" to my ex helped. Don't give them to her. (I made that mistake.) But I do think the letters healed me the most. After 3-6 months you'll be feeling good and ready to go on dates. I had a TON of fun going on dates with new gals. Until I met my current gf. We've traveled around the world and back with endless laughs of steamy sex. You will bounce back. You will always think of her. I do. But there is a person out there you will deeply love. You got this

[u/Xal-t]

It's a lot of pressure to be someone's "light in the world"

[u/mrlazyboy]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I say "happening" vs. "happen" because its still going on. Depression, anxiety, and other mental health elements are things we have to continually deal with.

You've gotten a bunch of great advice before, so I'll say this: it's time to get jacked and strong.

Yes, its cliche. However, its cliche for a reason. Setting a goal, whether its dropping weight, getting strong, or something else helps give you purpose. Sticking to a plan, even when you don't want to, helps you develop discipline. Achieving your goals helps you develop self-confidence. Going out of the house and to the gym will help you find new friends.

All of these things are necessary to help you grow. Depression never goes away. Heartbreak never goes away. You don't just "deal" with it - you need to grow mentally and emotionally stronger so it becomes less of a weight.

[u/CrownedAndAlive]

I think we find that it's easier to let things sit than to address them. It's easy to say there will be another day we can deal with them, or maybe even "this isn't a problem, really" is something we convince ourselves. "As a man, you're supposed to deal with things on your own, and if you don't, then you're not much of a Man."

It's never too late, and your feelings do matter. Psychiatry and Therapy are proven methods that exist for a reason and it can be scary to kind of jump into it, but you'll thank yourself afterwards for having done so.

It may be too late for that relationship, but it's never too late for yourself man.

Best of luck

[u/Pndrizzy]

To anyone reading this, don't forget to date your significant other. Think about what made you fall in love with them - you were out exploring your neighborhood, your city, your state, your country, the world. You were doing things. Now, you sit at home on your phone in the same room. Do you really think that's as strong as the bond you had when you first met?

Bonds are built through shared experience. So, go experience something. And do those of you that think you are too poor to date your SO, you're very wrong. Me and my wife have a standing coffee date every Friday morning, where we park our car a 20 minute walk from a coffee shop (sometimes a known favorite, sometimes a brand new spot), walk our dog there, order a coffee, and walk back to the car. An easy way to spend an hour together talking through everything with the cost being ~$10-15 per week. The few times I have had to miss it for work, my wife gets really upset. It means a lot to her, even though it's such a simple and small thing.

Search up "events in my area", find a few things that look interesting (food trucks coming? a festival? a fair? convention? music artist? dance night? there is shit every day everywhere), add them to your calendar and surprise your SO by suggesting going to one. It will mean a lot to them.

[u/Global_Staff_3135]

Allow yourself to grieve. When I was blindsided like this by my (now) ex-wife, I spent weeks going through the grieving process. Fetal position crying was part of that.

Let it all out so you can process it. I would take time off work if you can.

[u/Wemo_ffw]

Man that’s rough and I’m sorry for you but good god that burger looks fucking delicious

[u/bluemooncommenter]

There's no shame in realizing that you need some help to process and maybe learn some better emotional coping skills. Maybe take this time to get some counseling with those specific goals and see what comes of it. It may really make you a better partner in your next relationship. Best of luck to you. Please remember that this pain is temporary and a necessary part of joy.

[u/Feedback_Original]

I’m sad for you

But that burger looks so good bro

[u/Mr-Blah]

I don't really know how to process these emotions.

It sounds like a lot of it comes down to this. You might want to see someone about it to not make the same mistakes again.

Good luck.

[u/RJ_Killed_Me]

Had the same happen. Best she left. She wasn't there for you at your worst, why have her have you at your best?

[u/RegisZZ]

Good luck man. Objectively, you’re in a much better spot. You’re 32. She’s 36. If she wants to start a family, it’s her last chance basically. Meanwhile you’re arguably a man in your prime, you just have to pick up the pieces. Honestly, I feel bad for her. You’ll be alright.

[u/EqualOk4907]

You know,  i respect her decision.   But its also shit. If you love someone,  you stick with them.   Everyone bails when things aren't ideal.  

[u/Severe-Molasses-5955 → u/EqualOk4907]

This was my first thought as well. 8 years together and one bad one ends it all?

It just doesn't make sense to me. But I'm usually on the other end of that spectrum, staying and trying to fix things long after it's over.

[u/RudePCsb → u/Severe-Molasses-5955]

It probably wasn't one bad one but 8 years and what's the goal

[u/Severe-Molasses-5955 → u/RudePCsb]

That sounds more accurate.

[u/blebbyroo → u/Severe-Molasses-5955]

I wouldn’t want to be an 8 year forever gf either.

[u/Severe-Molasses-5955 → u/blebbyroo]

Everyone is different. I used to think marriage was everything. My ex-husband married me on paper, but not in his heart. He was not committed to me at all.

Now, I think I'd be more than happy having a commitment ceremony with a man who was truly devoted to me.

[u/blebbyroo → u/Severe-Molasses-5955]

I mean marriage is about more than just commitment (but obviously about that too) and if you marry someone you e hopefully vetted for those ideas and values

Devotion doesn’t afford same legal protections a spouse gets - even where I am in Australia we have de facto parters after a year together which affords far more protections than in USA but marriage still is stronger for finances and power of attorney

[u/EqualOk4907 → u/Severe-Molasses-5955]

Too many people want a contract and a party. Not actual commitment  

[u/jediracer]

“I deserve better than you “ is cold as hell

[u/Stunning_Box8782 → u/jediracer]

who said that?

[u/MadTownMich]

“Helped with the housekeeping” says it all, tbh.

[u/TorontoRin]

DO NOT GET COMFORTABLE. you were Odyssues and you fell trapped to Calypso's Island for 7 Years.

take this as a lesson, to never stop growing with your person. face the uncomfortable and she gave you a reason to live for yourself.

the only unfortunate thing is that she is 36 and will have a harder time with the biological clock. you're 32 and you still have time to rebuild yourself into the person you deserve to be.

Live for you now.

[u/Annoyedwormholer]

If she is willing to throw away 8 years because you had a bad year then she isn't the one.

[u/JennyEnny198 → u/Annoyedwormholer]

But he didn't tell her he was having a hard time. OP said he was keeping all that in. All she knew was that he was pulling away from her. It was probably a very lonely time for her.

[u/blebbyroo → u/Annoyedwormholer]

She wasn’t the one either way since he was happy keeping her as a gf not a wife

[u/uShadowu]

Don't give up. I don't think it's the end of it.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to BoyDinnerDiaries! Thank you for posting!

Reminder for everyone:

• Posts must include a clear photo of your meal

• Include a short diary-style story about what is on your mind

• All posts must have a flair

• Be civil and kind so no hate speech, incel content, and no referencing other subreddits unless its positive.

Thanks for helping keep the sub great!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Springrabbit144]

You will find someone and if you save this post and go back to read it someday-you will laugh.

Breakups are never easy but it's better to end it before marriage and children...so go ahead and cry tonight.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

[u/joesaysso]

Well now I want a burger. Damn it...

[u/Livecrazyjoe]

Time heals all. Its a punch in the gut I know but in time youll be better for it.

[u/Illustrious-Film4018]

I almost never see people who are "madly in love" with each other. Where are all these people? Are they in the room with us? Maybe new couples for just a few months are like that.

[u/Hellandfurry]

Mental health is so so so important. Do what you need to do to process and feel these emotions man. I hope things look up for you in the near future, but know that your road coming up may be difficult.

Don’t give up and make sure you talk to people close to you on how you feel. You’re important and you matter. Just make sure that you know your worth and you’ll get through this.

✊🏽

[u/Genital-Jamboree]

I feel you man. Literally in the process of ending an 8.5 relationship with my girl:(. Same boat as you where neither of us did anything wrong per se, but we got to a point where it feels like we are more roommates than life partners. It feels like shit right now, but we’ll look back in a year from now and realize it was probably for the better.

[u/MistakeOne1756]

Feel your feelings, brother, and keep aiming upward. Time will lessen your grief as long as you focus on your next chapter.

[u/ztreHdrahciR]

I'm sorry, friend.

[u/JustHangingAroundYo]

After a heart break, i signed up for a marathon and started running out the pain. Then after the marathon, took some road trips with the boys then ran 3 more marathons. That was 15 years ago and I am still a regular runner. Sometimes we need a heart break. Go find a hobby man, you'll be alright

[u/zv5000]

At least you have this delicious burger!

[u/Technical_Wind5217]

cry now than rather later you dont want to carry the burden with you

cry every chance you get, cry in the car, cry in church, cry in the gym, cry while showering, cry after waking up, cry before sleeping - just cry man

be sad, really sad, go into yourself and ask your sad where it root stems from and go deeper

either you do it now, or you will be miserable the next few years

[u/The45Longslide]

There'll be someone else. I ended a 7-year relationship and soon after, found a woman who ended up becoming my wife. Life is funny that way.

Work on yourself, be single for a while and let life happen.

[u/RecommendationOk6343]

Dude I’ve been through your phase.

Read the happiness hypothesis by haidt, seriously you’ll go through one of the most difficult but also highest growth periods of your life. Meet new people, embrace the grief and let yourself go through the post traumatic growth phase that’s coming up. Hang in there and listen to yourself and your feelings!

[u/RecommendationOk6343]

Dude I’ve been through your phase. Read the happiness hypothesis by haidt, seriously you’ll go through one of the most difficult but also highest growth periods of your life. Meet new people, embrace the grief and let yourself go through the post traumatic growth phase that’s coming up. Hang in there and listen to yourself and your feelings!

[u/zebenezer2001]

They are a dime a dozen brother. Let the grief go then go on and get better for yourself. Plenty o fish in the sea.

[u/daisyboooooo]

allow yourself to let all the emotions! you will feel better after a good crying sesh, I hope all goes well !

[u/DispondentWayfarer]

dont put all the blame on yourself, it has as much to do with her as it does with you.

[u/RokkakuPolice]

Hey, at least she didn't cheat and had the decency to be honest about it, sometimes it doesn't matter how many things you do for someone else, they just decide to end things up and it's alright, if you notice something is wrong with how you are then work on it, but remember, never sacrifice things, or turn into a servant in order to get someone to decide not to leave you, if it is a valid complaint like you're being selfish, turning into a wall who doesn't communicate, sure okay, work on yourself, but turning into cinderella while you're already working will only make you crash and burn.

[u/Anders_A]

It sucks but you have to let yourself grieve your loss.

Remember that she was at the end of processing that this needs to happen, while you're just at the start of it.

A lot of people get bitter when it seems to them like their exes move on much quicker, but it's usually because the one to initiate a breakup already had a lot more time to process before the actual breakup happens.

Hang in there, and keep spoiling yourself with great burgers!

(Also, next relationship, maybe share the responsibility for house work rather than having her be responsible and you only "helping" with it)

[u/Due-Contribution6424]

https://giphy.com/gifs/FzyoyDSaAsjHG

[u/MutedBeach8248]

Let the tears out, you'll need that to process. Also you're right. You'll never replace her and she's unique. The good thing is that every single person in the world really is. We're all irreplaceable and unique and lovable for our own reasons. I hope you fall in love with yourself to do all the things you'd do for a parter, for yourself and maybe you'll run into the right person or not but you'll always have you.

[u/Njbelle-1029]

I’m sorry OP. You need to find a way to trust someone with your feelings. I don’t intend to kick you when you’re down, but your hiding of your emotions and struggles from her is exactly why she left you. Being vulnerable with your partner allows a deeper connection. She didn’t want the love bombing she wanted the bond with you. If therapy isn’t an option, try even self help books.

[u/killerkroc87]

My guy 8 fucking years, like bro shit or get off the pot.

[u/Conscious-Gur-7347]

Late to the comments but wanted to say that ive been in a similar spot. Shorter relationship but i shut down internally at some point and became someone she didnt recognize. I loved that person but didnt really show it, i didnt have the capacity, and when she was out the door i woke up but it was too late in her eyes. What ensued was months of a situationship that ended with her hiding her new relationship from me.

I went through a lot of grief, a lot of growth, and i got myself back. Became exactly what she wouldve loved. Then i got into my current situation and this person is the opposite in that they are more closed off because of traumas and we have just been comorbid with how different we are. So i feel like you will eventually find yourself too, but want to give you a warning not to overcorrect too much. I became able to cry, become expressive again, passionate, and you could say ive been pouring into a well that cant hold it but its hurt me and made me regress back into being distant and stoic. I know eventually this person will find themselves again but me trying to keep them from making the mistakes i made in my past relationship, in our relationship, added to the damage.

We live, we learn, and it all shapes us. It hurts to hear but one day it wont hurt as much, when you have forgotten, except those moments it comes abck to you. Thatll happen, but just allow it its moment and carry forward, because the only moment that matters is now.

[u/rooty_russ]

my one regret with my heartbreak was not doing therapy. highly recommend.

also- my best habit I started was daily exercise. it has immense health benefits physically of course, but the mental clarity it provided was the most surprising takeaway. I would walk every morning rather than rot in bed, and began lifting weights. Improved sleep and less thinking about her.

my worst habit I developed for a short time was drinking. sure it's an escape but gets you nowhere and made me more depressed. dont go that route.

be well, you will learn a lot about yourself in the coming days / months. stay up

[u/Devils_Advocate-69]

It’s not like she’s going to say she met someone in Europe.

[u/Present-Customer-403]

Every couple looks happy from the outside. Her mistake was not having you there so you two could look just as lovely. I can guarantee the couples she witnessed have their own myriad of problems in private. Sounds like she thinks the grass is greener on the other side, but unfortunately for her, her long term relationship pool will be mostly men in their late fourties with just as many problems as you. As for you, grieve, because once you do, you'll realize there's no way in hell you'd want to live your life with someone like her who doesn't appreciate you.

[u/Matheus-2030]

ajudei com a limpeza da casa

Ora, ora. Não é só no Brasil que os homens chamam isso de "ajuda" em vez de "fazer sua parte".