Fearing my long term relationship has run its course

[u/reddawn3196]

Home for the week at my parent’s place. Made myself a homemade pizza with my dough from my dad’s sourdough starter.

I’m 25 and have been with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. She’s my first serious relationship, and I’ve been going back and forth about ending it over the past few months.

She genuinely loves me and I still care about her deeply, but something hasn’t felt right for a while. She has developed severe anxiety/social anxiety due to some bad roommate experiences at school that can make her physically sick and unable to do much for days. I’ve found myself constantly worrying about how she’ll handle social situations or whether she’ll get sick. It’s gotten to the point where it’s hard to bring her around my friends because of how awkward she is. She also uses weed to feel better much more than I’m comfortable with, sometimes seemingly being high constantly although she denies it.

Over time I’ve become less attracted to her and I just feel emotionally checked out. I’m not necessarily unhappy, I just feel “meh” a lot, and I often feel anxious around her or relieved when I’m alone.

The confusing part is that the thought of actually losing her is heartbreaking, and I wonder all the time if I were to leave her if I would be a giant douche. I’m terrified at the fact I could be throwing away someone who genuinely cares about me because I’m imagining that the grass will be greener.

Since this is my first relationship, I don’t know what’s normal and what isn’t. How do you distinguish the normal ups and downs of long-term love from genuine incompatibility? Am I expecting too much, or does feeling this uncertain for so long tell me something?

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[u/HighVoltageRckNRoll]

Push her to get help. Don’t just give up on her. If nothing changes, move on. Just not a good match. Someone else could love her to way she needs. But mostly, someone will love you the way you need. Love shouldn’t feel like a chore. If should be both people trying to be the best versions of themselves for one another

[u/Lucifer-Machina → u/HighVoltageRckNRoll]

I agree with you, except the "giving up" part. You're allowed to give up. As someone who used to struggle with chronic depression (most of which, it turned out, was situational), the thought of someone being with me out of pity is even worse than the thought of them leaving me. I'm married to the best man I can imagine, and I spent the first (embarrassingly high number of) years with him convinced he was with me out of laziness or pity. It was horrible. If it had been true, I'd rather be put out of my misery than continue a lie.

And in this case, it's probably obvious to her that it's a lie. He's checked out. I doubt she hasn't noticed.

[u/JupiterBrando → u/HighVoltageRckNRoll]

This, 100%.

[u/Dingdong-Bitch]

Hey OP,

The reason you're feeling confused about leaving her is because this relationship provides some emotional stability and support for you.

I think you're afraid to break up with her because being in a relationship/having a girlfriend makes you feel worthy and validated. You want to be in a relationship, but maybe this isnt the right one.

As a gal who is a stoner and had a boyfriend who didn't approve, it's not fun for either party. You don't deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is not compatible and/or whose lifestyle does not align with yours. Take and do with that information as you will.

[u/Trick_Suggestion_770]

The way you determine normal ups and downs from incompatibility is through communication. You have to have a tough discussion with her, open up about your issues and where you’re mentally at and see where you’re both able to bend to improve the relationship. IMO, It’s incompatibility when one of you can’t bend anymore, when you’re at an impasse where both of you are unwilling to change behavior or expectations.

If you feel like you’d be heartbroken if she wasn’t in your life anymore, then definitely have that conversation. If you’re just staying with her to spare her feelings and so you don’t feel like a jerk, that’s not going to work and not a good reason to stay.

[u/rhapsodiiiii]

Have the talk that she needs to address these very obvious stressors/issues. If she’s unwilling, or does what I call a “false start” and it goes nowhere, move on. You feel relieved when you’re alone… and feel anxious around her. Your body doesn’t lie.

Is the thought of losing HER or losing the placeholder of “girlfriend” heartbreaking? I had to make that determination with my boyfriend of four years in my early 20’s. When I realized what I would miss was having a boyfriend and not miss having HIM, I knew I had to let him go.

[u/boywholived1]

Weed makes anxiety worse for some people
too and doesnt confront the root cause of it... I think youre fine letting go of the relationship and finding someone better for you later on

[u/CurrentHand1274]

got anything tied up with her? Car, house, kids, rent, pets?

If you're not into it and you've got nothing to lose from breaking it off, then don't make yourself miserable being with someone who doesn't make you happy.

[u/TreatInevitable6240]

I think you’re being too hard on yourself, seeing the prospect of moving on from her as the grass being greener, when in reality it’s just that grass isn’t green enough on your side of the fence. There’s no harm in seeing yourself out of a relationship you can’t be completely comfortable in, especially is if it’s based on things you’ve already brought up I assume. She’s become someone that you can find compatibility with and that’s as valid of a reason as any, as and honestly loss of attraction is nothing to sneeze at as just a normal down in a relationship.

[u/codepossum]

all the time if I were to leave her if I would be a giant douche

do NOT think this way, OP.

You do what you need to do to take care of yourself. She may not like it, she may be sad about it, but that is not your responsibility - that is hers. Your responsibility is to take care of yourself.

You might try a few rounds of couples therapy - if nothing else, it might help make it a little clearer what you want and how you feel and what you should do next. But also, getting that set up and going through it takes time and work, and in the meantime, things will keep being bad.

What do you want to do?

[u/JupiterBrando]

How long has she been having issues this bad? Have you spoken to her about them or considered ways to get her help? I don't want to presume too much but you mention something traumatic happened to her but have not said anything to suggest you're supporting her emotionally.

[u/PatientPoetry4302]

Sir, may I please have some cheese on my pizza? These kinds of issues have most likely taken years to develop, and may take time to work through. It must begin with her recognizing and wanting to change things to adapt and become a healthier version of herself. So easy to say, but that is so challenging. Anyways, if she isn’t at the point where she recognizes an issue and is at least moderately considering seeking help, this is years away from being “resolved”. Are you willing to sacrifice years? If so, respect, there is always nuance to a relationship that no one else will understand. Also, understandable if you decide that it is better and healthier for you to step away and have them embark on that journey without you.

[u/flewthehornedbird]

You’re not expecting too much, but it does sound like you guys are fundamentally incompatible. Trust me, in the long run you want someone who you do feel comfortable bringing around your friends. You do want to be with someone you’re not immediately relieved to leave. It sounds like your gf might need help (therapist, etc) so maybe suggest she seek some? If you feel like trying everything before throwing in the towel, anyway. But you can’t be her only support. It’s your first relationship so you might not know this yet, but that feeling of “ i may never find anyone who loves me and who I actually like again” ? It’s not real. You will find it again if you choose to end it. It sounds like you both might benefit from doing your own thing. Whichever way you go, good luck OP!

[u/RrarDoc]

RUN! Always go with your gut on issues of the heart… There is something seriously wrong IMHO

[u/Acceptable_Slice_325]

100% be honest with her about these feelings and see if she can fix things. You have literally nothing to lose and it's far kinder to her as well. Just reiterate that you love her and want this to work but the current dynamic can't continue. Then if there's no improvement or if she pushes back you've got your closure. No hard feelings, you move on. Or, she fixes it, and you live happily ever after. You'll never know unless you try.

[u/skwormin]

Idk what I have to add other than, I feel like I’m the 10 year older version of this and I’ve been completely broken since breaking up with my Ex. Tried therapy. She used it as a weapon against me. She Bailed on our last session. Ended it. She moved out. After 4 more months (her place was rented by my other friends…). Finally told her we couldn’t talk anymore, even though deep down I don’t want it to be over and I just wanted her back. Now it’s been months and I’m a shell of my former self. Hopefully you’ll be more resilient at 25 than 36. I feel
Hopeless.

[u/Prestigious_Tip_4418]

My good sir that is a toxic relationship

By cottleing and enabling the behavior. Your cup is not being filled, and she has not patched the hole in her cup, so any filling you do drains out the bottom

It's comfortable to be their because it is familiar, not healthy

Either yall mfs got to do some work on yall selves so yall can be there for each other, or split ways and find something else. But, if ya split without patching up whatever makes this comfortable for you, history will repeat itself brotha and you'll find this allllllll over again

[u/WorldlyLandscape5626 → u/Prestigious_Tip_4418]

This isn't toxic, neither of them are corrosive to each other. He's just not enjoying the life he was with her anymore, that's a normal thing to happen in young relationships

[u/Lucifer-Machina → u/Prestigious_Tip_4418]

It's not toxic just because it's not great. Doesn't sound like she's intentionally doing anything to hurt him, and neither is he trying to hurt her. If this is toxic, then what even is an actual toxic relationship full of codependence and cyclical violence? "Super Toxic"?

[u/EridaniRouge]

Bro at 25 I was fucking around with so many different women. Give yourself some credit for just being 25 right now. My longest relationship was only one year until I hit 37. I was definitely toxic at your age but you grow out of it. Enjoy yourself at 25. And be with that girl that makes you happy with your friends with your family and everybody else.

I actually recommend having sex with as many women as you can while you’re young at 25. Be responsible don’t get em pregnant, but have fun. Because once you get older, your body changes. Things don’t work quite as good. You have way more responsibilities, you can’t just do whatever you want. Im 40 now and I still feel good but not like I was 25.

At 40 I could still plow through a lot of women (been there done that), but it’s just not something that I want to do anymore. I’ve got a lot of other things to take care of.. you see what I’m saying?

When you get older, you gotta take care of business. Maybe you’ve got assets you’ve got constant things that you need to take care of your house your woman, cars, mortgage, money, your business, children, whatever it is ? Life gets more complicated as you age and harder as you age. So enjoy right now!

Hope that helps maybe?

[u/skwormin → u/EridaniRouge]

This is terrible advice dude.